Cotton-Headed-Ninny-Muggins
Pairing: Darcy Lewis/Wade Wilson
For: @georgiagirlagain
Prompt: “I’m a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins.”
Word Count: 1033
Rating: T
Check out the [25 Days of Darcyland Masterlist] for more holiday themed fics! I’m posting one a day until December 25!
Darcy wasn't exactly sure what happened and in what sequence. All she knew was that one minute, she was taking a nice, well-deserved shower and the next, her bathroom contained one more person and they were legit trying to hide under her vanity.
A flash of red and black clued her in on the who. Not that it really surprised her. They had an open door policy, she and Deadpool. Of course, it was a relatively new policy and she'd kind of been hoping that the first door he'd open would be her bedroom door, but that was splitting hairs.
"Wade… for the love of Thor…" Darcy peeked out of the shower curtain. "What the actual fuck, dude? Please don't tell me you're hiding from an assassin in here. Because that puts me in danger, bro."
"Don't call me bro…" he whined. "It makes me feel like an asshole… like I watch Rick & Morty for fun and tell people on Reddit how smart I am."
"Are you hiding from an assassin in my bathroom?"
"Since you previously told me not to tell you if I was hiding from an assassin in your bathroom... no?"
"Is someone going to come in here guns-a-blazin'? Because dude, I've had enough blazing guns for one week, I just wanna sit down and relax. Maybe make some cookies later."
"Okay. You don't have to worry about blazing guns. It's Clint who's after me. Clint and Natasha. Mostly Clint, Natasha got bored because she kept winning."
Darcy sighed. "What's the game?"
"It doesn't really have a name? It's just… the loser has to wear this ugly sweater with a quote from a very popular, very cheesy, very Will Ferrell holiday film, and I don't want to be the cotton-headed-ninny-muggins again, Darce…" The last bit was definitely a whine as he rummaged around under her vanity, pushing her tampons and various hair accessories out of the way to see if he could jam himself under there.
"Is the hide-and-seek based or tag based?"
"Both. But if you get tagged, you lose."
"Right. So you're already losing because if he finds you, which he will, that's a terrible place to hide, you won't have anywhere to run. You need a better hiding place."
There was a thump outside the bathroom and both of them looked towards the door. She reached for a towel, one of her fluffy, luxurious bath sheets. Wrapping it around her body, she motioned for Wade to join her in the shower. "Just come in here… he wouldn't ever expect that you'd be in here."
Wade paused for a moment, but nodded, stepping into the shower and staying a respectable distance from her as a hand knocked on the door from the outside.
"Darce?" Clint called. "Can I come in?"
"Clint… hasn't anyone ever told you that it's rude to disturb people in the shower?" she asked.
"Yeahhhh, and how many times have you barged in on me to find out where I keep my Pop tarts?"
"Listen. I barge because I care. And you know pop tart shortages are a thing when Thor's in town."
"Okay, well. I'm looking for someone. Mind if I come in there and give a quick look around? I'll stay away from the shower."
"Fine dude, but I warn you. It's just me. AND there are tampons."
He scoffed. "I'm Hawkeye, world-class-archer. Member of the Avengers. I ain't afraida no tampons."
His search was pretty thorough, considering there were maybe two places Wade could be hiding. Well, three, if you counted in the shower.
Wade was squatting down on the floor of the shower, arms crossed as he was pelted with backspray from her shower head.
"Cool, thanks Darce!" Clint said, rapping twice on the wall.
He started to leave and Darcy sighed in relief.
"I put a dry towel on the rack for you, since you've got the other one in there with you."
Her heart leapt into her throat. "No, I don't."
"Yes you do. I know you wouldn't let Wade in the shower with you if you were completely naked."
"How did you--" she started, her eyes closing as she leaned her head against the tile. "Sorry, Wade."
The merc with a mouth sighed in exasperation. "It's fine, Darcy. You tried. Kind of. I mean, you did give it up under little to no interrogation. But I mean… it's cool, babe."
"Wade. I have a sweater with your name on it. You cotton-headed-ninny-muggins," Clint called over the still running water.
Realizing how ridiculous this was, Darcy turned off the water and shooed Clint out of the bathroom. She opened the curtain, clutching her soaking wet towel around her as Wade stepped out onto the bath mat.
"You can come over tonight for cookies?" she offered. "Cotton-headed-ninny-mugginses only."
"Are you including yourself in that group?" Wade asked, his suit squeaking as he made his way to the door.
"Definitely. It's obviously the best group to be in."
"You're pretty swell, Darcy. You know that?"
She shrugged. "I do now."
"Whatever, you knew," he scoffed, pulling his mask all the way off and scratching his head. "I'm gonna go change, unless soaking wet leather suits are a kink of yours…?"
She shrugged. "I could get on board with that."
"But can you get on board with hideously ugly sweaters featuring catchphrases from movies that are over ten years old?"
She waggled her eyebrows. "Depends on what else you're wearing."
"It'll be that sweater and only that sweater, I will be bedecked and bedazzled for your holiday entertainment/pleasure/frivolity."
"Sounds perfect. Consider my door and my legs unlocked for your use."
He smirked. "I feel like I should warn you. It lights up."
"The sweater, or your dick?"
"If I said both, what would you do?"
Darcy purred, winking seductively.
"I will be here with bells on, Lewis. Oh, and the sweater has bells. And I'm wearing it the whole time we're fooling around, it's gonna sound like an elf is getting plowed all across your bedroom."
"Jingle all the way," she countered.
"Oh my lanta…" He clutched his chest. "Bad sex puns. Be still my heart…"
