#3-11-20

[huzzah-for-clouds]

[its123am]

3-11-20 (Wednesday)

[foxymoodsbyafoxythude]

Sorry

Ik m not sposed to out

Bu... an ill try to go back but s

S hard to sleep when it hurts so much

Um... ppl keep... ppl keep sayin stuff like how they wanna hurt trix for wat they did an

I understand they r tryna be protective and show they care but

The thought of trixxr gettn hurt is honestly rlly scarey to me an

I wish theyd all stop sayin it

I don't want them to be punished

I want them to... i want them to be strong an i want them to b okay an.... an m alreddy worried enough abt them... im... so worried

I just wish... they weren't some random asshole who hurt me. They are my mate. And ye, that malws it worde that *they * of all ppl hurt me but... i dont... i dont like anyone threatening my mate

I... no on can follow thru thankfully bc trix is so far

Bu im p sure id get p aggressive if i thought they wld rlly do. Which would b unfortune bc

I rlly shldnt lash out at th ppl who are being good to me

Um

Last nigh, i got alex to tell me what happened in the blackout time

Apparently i just apologized and thanked them an got weepy over trix an promised loyalty to alx n to be a Good frien n stuff

Which she said she disregarded bc i was drunk which is fair. We meant it tho. Didn say that bc

We

Were 2 inches away frm despondent s morning when she went home an also... i have been v v vulnerable to ppl lately and not only is is scarey, s exhausting

Imma... i dont have any reason to b awake rlly... usually i tried to make sure i was up for as much of the day as i cld b so i cld talk to mate

Now... i don have a reason

So we will go back to bed

I wil try to.. i will try to sleep an let life have the reign

They

... ik they r able to be... terrifying, no like *to* us bu, ive seen them truely angry... only once.. while ago

Bu anyway... they r being v nice.. an gentle.. which.. ik this effects them same as rest of us so.. prolly isnt easy for them to do

Don tell anyone, blog, bu, if u ask me life is way closer to smn divine thn third

Not that hes nothn

But

They r just... yea

Evn tho thy r borin a lot n stuff

Um

Yeah imma try to sleep

And breathe

[thats--life]

That little fox has done so well...

Letting them sleep will not stop their pain but they should not have to be strong for us all for so long

I guess... it is my turn to share with Roan now... I wish i thought i could offer more comfort how i normally do... but

Even though life will go on i dont... i dont feel the same.... fulfillment.. in anything without them in ours.

But i had my time to fall apart

I will try to keep us going now for a while

[foxymoodsbyafoxythude]

S mornin now an

The pain went... we were distracted enough an

Drinkin Not Alonw meant we didn spiral an

We talked to all th ppl we could wen we cldnt sleeb

An set up thkse pluralkits

Bu

Be run out of things to do

Just

Hurt again

S ... it feels so wrong tha we are w out them...

[foxymoodsbyafoxythude]

Dunno if this was good idea....

We.. i feel rlly vulnerable

Ppl knowin me means rhey can hurt me i didn think this thru enough mabe... fff idk wat to do

Wat to try...

[foxymoodsbyafoxythude]

I made a thingy on pluralkit bot on doscord

The others havent yet

Bc they either arent sure they wanna or bc they r too

Not functioning rn

Bu

I think being less

Like

Like i think havin ppl who *i* can talk to mebe will help... bc it was just them before...

But ye.. juss so me or ro don forget my taggy thingy is ● w no space at start n end

[foxymoodsbyafoxythude]

S... felix snap chatted us. An we weren't quite asleep yet bu almost

An when out notification vibrated... we... we thought... or hoped mebe... it was our mate...

We... should not be ... we should...

We should be more angry w them ... we shouldn't want.... we shouldn't be hoping for anything frm them ever ... i

I am not..

I

We v much meant wat we said to them... abt if they learned how to treat us well... ghat we were willing to talk evn tho we wouldn't garantee

Bc by then

We dunno wat out mindset wld b

Bu

We would hear them out at th v least

An

Is good chance would

Try again if we thought they rlly did change for better

Bu

Rn

We shldnt be... so eagr abt notifications bc it is tiny baby chance it is them.

Evn if... they realize they made mistake? Now or in future wldnt jump into relationship. Wld friend till could... till they earned trust

Bu

But now

They literally jusy chose Not Us. We shldnt be hopeful for shit. Ik is partial bc we r so scar ed n worried for them.... an i

I am not mad that we r

Bu we gotta understand

They wanted to b w luna and pretend to themself like we were okay too more thn they wanted to be decent. An thas not

We cant

Ik we cant be waiting for them anymore. I juss forget sometimes.......

Fuck pls... pls let them be okay