#3-25-14

[jaipaul]

3-25-14 replied to your post: does anyone wanna tell me  if the...

I doubt I’m going to matter much to you, just another review for some follower you don’t know, but I really do think this is amazing work and yes it is a little rough at times, it’s not bad AT ALL. Like I could never do this. Good job. Keep going!

yeah this matters thats fuckin sick thanks so much

[amyzingly-sassy]

I don't know.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. I should be content with what I have, with those around me, yet that "but" still exists. It seems that there's still more for me out there. I want so much more, am I just greedy? I know I don't really post personal stuff to tumblr, but it's one of those moments where I just want to let it out without anyone knowing. Given the notes I get on my original posts, I know I'm safe. Even if it's spring break. I don't really care if people saw it either, it's that stupid "I don't want them to directly know" kinda shit.

I don't know.

Maybe it's just another long rant. I feel like I don't really have a lot to complain about. Life is relative, isn't it? I have it better than a lot of people, and a lot of people have it better than me. I can't be blind to that fact. I feel like the emotions and effects of having a lack of a father figure in my life is catching up to me. I thought I did away with my trust issues, with my commitment issues, and now it just feels like they're all running back to me. I'm on a never ending train track, and they have first class tickets on the train that's going to run me over.

I wonder if he's the cause of it. I'm happy with how things turned out between us, I mean, not everyone gets their own share of cliche little stories and we made ours possible. But being with him has me constantly doubting myself, doubting him. It's wrong to do but I can't stop it. Trust issues resurfacing each time I convince myself it's alright. Commitment issues, in the non-common form. I've never felt more committed to someone, I've never been in a more committed relationship. That, oddly, bothers me. Only because though I feel so committed to him, I can also feel the two of us holding back on things we want to say. It's like that first-date facade, but we're past the feelings of a first-date couple. Even if it's only been two months? I wonder what would happen if he saw all this. Would he just read it and not tell me? Or will he confront me about this? I don't want us to end or feel like we're ending soon. Not yet... not yet.

I don't know.

It's spring break and I'm just kinda wasting myself away. I still passively work for my unrealistic dreams. Acting? Being a model? Who am I kidding? I'm a tiny Asian girl, living in corporate America and plastic Hollywood. Even if "yellow fever" swept through Hollywood during the right years for me would not be able to save me. It's ridiculous, the standards they hold, really. My friend brought up "I'm sure it'd be better being an actress than a model, since acting requires talent still, and the model world is so shallow and I know you would hate that." She's probably right. So I continue to try and work on my realisitic dreams, doing advertising/graphic design. I'm behind on AP artworks for the AP Art portfolio, yet I'm just sulking. I need to study my APs, yet I'm just sulking. I end up playing League, which used to be fun for me and now suddenly feels like a necessity. I can't bring myself to uninstall it. It's like I'm addicted, not necessarily to the point of constantly playing, but I can't take it off my computer.

Maybe depression is acting upon me again? I really doubt it... I mean, it's been a while since I've had an "episode" of tears and aimless crying. I'm glad that's over. I remember back in junior high, it was kind of a "cool" thing to be depressed and self-harming yourself, which is so damn stupid, why was that even a thing at our school? It was like, if you didn't or weren't, you didn't understand, your life was just too good. What kind of shallow basis is that? You don't even know the other person's story and you just pass that judgement? I don't even- ... ugh. I want to be that happy, cheerful, bubbly person. I used to think bubbly was more of a girly term, but I'm really okay with it now. Not that it was bad to be girly, I just didn't really want to associate myself with that definition. I know last night was off beat for me. He went to bed, and I don't blame him. I asked if he was going to soon, since he has school tomorrow. He left. Maybe the part that bothered me the most is that he didn't even notice that I wasn't okay. That isn't really his problem though, that's mine. Plus, he was tired, so I guess, it's fine? I don't want to sound like one of those hypocritical girlfriends. He also didn't respond to the fact that I told him, that Saturday, I'd be going to a guy's house for a social, and as of right now, it's all guys that are going. He doesn't even know any of them. Some crazy part of me thought he was supposed to be worried. Maybe he trusts me enough. And I'm glad, because I wouldn't do anything wrong anyways. Either way, he left the call. When he left, I ended up talking to Nick again. I'm really glad Nick is so often there for me, I wish I could do more for him. He stayed up with me. It bothers me more that Nick and I are so comfortable with each other, given our situation that I really can't disclose to the internet, yet I can't be that comfortable with my own boyfriend. It's odd, very odd. Should it send red flags for my relationship? Maybe, maybe not. I really wish I could somehow treat Nick better. I'm doing my best.

I don't know. That seemed like a longer rant than expected. Just... scroll on through, kiddos.