My family doesn't know when to stop talking.
I don't know how long is vent/rant will be, so read more break can just be put there.
My mom spends money on my education. Like any middle class asian parent would do. But she's a single mother, so everything is harder for her. I know that. She knows I know that. Unfortunately for her, (and me, I guess, but I accept it) I'm not the brightest child. I can survive perfectly fine, I'm a street smart person. Book smart is a whole new realm for me. I guess I'm average, my grades are... okay. Meh. But today, my aunt, cousin, mother and I went out to eat together as a family for the first time in 2 months. It's my fault, I'm always occupied with schoolwork since my high school is so damn competitive. I don't really struggle to keep up, I struggle to raise my grades. I used to not really care, as long they were above a C, I couldn't give two shits. Last sem, I got a D in AP Calc. Calc just isn't for me, I tried beyond belief in that class. My mind just doesn't work the way I want it to be. -sigh- Now, I have to actually make my grades higher than last sem to make up for that D.
Why do I do this to myself?
On the way back home, my mom mentions how we haven't gone on a vacation or gone somewhere fun in forever. The last trip she got was a gift from her boss, in March. Free trips, yay. But she's right, we haven't gone anywhere in a while. Strange part is, I don't feel the need to go anywhere, at least not now. Vacations are such wallet killers. But she says we haven't gone because we don't have the expenses to, but she spends that money on my education, mainly prep classes. SAT classes threw out ~$1000, and my score didn't even improve. I don't fucking understand. TY ACT for existing. AP Bio she spend money too. I got a 3. She says it's okay, because I actually passed, but I feel like the tone she has says otherwise. Mandarin can have such odd tone connotations, or something. AP Micro is coming up. Yeah, I'm not ready. She spent money on that too. If I don't pass, I'm just wasting more money. Does she not think I don't feel bad? I'd be glad for her not to focus on my education so much to let her take a break. I'm glad she cares, but I want her to have fun too. I can survive. I don't need expensive colleges in the future, I just want to be happy in life, and that's not where I am right now. Finals week, APs, everything just piles onto that inner pile of stress and anger inside me. I implode. I never explode. (Well, very rarely, at least) I can't take this. I ask her to stop speaking. To stop telling me these things. She does, for one second, and continues, believing she has more to say that I haven't heard already. Everything she tells me on these subjects, I've heard. "I'm just reminding you" she says. Please. I don't need reminders that trigger my depression.
My chest is feeling heavy again. It's getting that feeling of if-I-get-a-knife-and-cut-it-out-it-can-stop thing. I haven't relapsed in a while. Surprise, it's junior year, and no episodes yet. I'm getting better, at least.
I think, what's even more terrific, is that she doesn't really believe in "depression." [Insert obligatory reminder that mental illnesses are too often overlooked and/or not taken seriously] She thinks it's just me being too negative, and if I thought more positively, it can go away. That's the thing though. It doesn't work that way. Too ask a someone with depression or depressing thoughts to think positively is a far-reached request. She thinks I need to do more meditation. I'm tight on a schedule already, she knows that. She believes, miraculously, I can make time.
I love my mother, no lie. We get along, we're close, to a degree. But she has a more conservative manner about her. She's a liberal conservative. But I'm just liberal. Not in political terms, but general. She'll still believe in the old things she grew up with, I don't blame her. That was the environment she was given, and we usually accept truth as it is handed to us. [Insert The Truman Show reminder] But I just want her to please stop. I don't want her reminders, not when I have heard them hundreds of hundreds of times before. It's triggering.
Please stop.
