An ARTIST, solus. They should be dressed in over-sized bib overalls with paint/chalk/marker splatters all over their clothes and skin. The space is littered with artwork on huge tablet paper, assorted craft projects that look like they were made artists of various abilities, from grade school kids through professionals. There should be huge amounts of art supplies scattered about on various tables and on the floor. Around this chaotic looking mess is an easel, center, upon which is a magnificent artistic representation of the actor as a small child holding a box of crayons in one hand with a single crayon in the other, upheld as if about to draw. The representation evokes a sense of childhood joy and innocence.
ARTIST stands and regards the representation for a moment before turning to us.
ARTIST I am all that is left
There were many of us
Smeared with the color of dreaming
We would change the world
(re: the Artistic Representation) I wanted to capture that moment
The first time I held hope
Light in my eyes, tools of change in my hand
I was not always alone
There were others
Scattered here and over there
Hope and change everywhere
They said they would be back
Left their crayons and finger paints
Piles of paper and tubing
Here: the misshapen crown Lily Brown made
She broke all the rules
Make a mess of things
Here: Kahns sword of paper maché
A rebel too was Kahn
Cutting through bullshit
A maker of paths
Over here: Jon’s landscape of sunshine and grass
A true dreamer he, vision of natural beauty
Future untarnished by excess and greed
There: Emily’s magic wand of blown glass
Perhaps the most extreme was she
Determined to reshape the world
Where we could live our dreams
All this collects dust
They said they would be back
There was a kind of sound perhaps
To me it was a dreadful knocking
They said
Do you hear?
Perhaps I did but
I was too busy dreaming
That business of hope and change
Who has time for listening
To the sounds of distant things
So focused was I on the present
But they heard it
Far off there in the distance
A knocking, iron on steel
I hear it now too
One by one
These dreamers, these rebels
Put down their tools
To take up hard things
I looked up and saw
No one here at all
Perhaps that hurt most of all
We dreamed dreams together
We told stories
Of the death of kings
Battles we would fight
Against our enemies
And Love dreams
Visions of a future
Our future
Shaped by our own hands
This was not it
None of this looked like—
Look at all the dust
I thought this was our forever place
Fighting battles and telling stories
But in the end paper crowns and magic wands
Cannot feed a starving face
I have to answer
The hard things call
(re: the Artistic Representation) This is the best that I can do
I captured it
That moment I first held hope
Look at the light in the eyes, those fresh tools in my hand
They said they would be back
I am tired of being alone
It is time
Love is not enough
When there is no one left to believe
I believed once
You can see it there
ARTIST exits.
Slow fade out on Artistic Representation.
(The lights come up on a modest-looking house. MACKENNA works on preparing a spread in the kitchen. DREW enters, but MACKENNA doesn’t notice him. She’s startled when she hears his voice.)
DREW
Wow, you really went all out! I feel like I’m in Paula Dean’s wet dream right now.
MACKENNA
Drew? Oh my god!
(She wipes her hands on a dish towel and gives him a hug.)
What are you doing here?
DREW
Your mom invited me.
MACKENNA
Figures.
DREW
I think she’s trying to set us up again, just like old times.
MACKENNA
I can’t say I’m surprised. You didn’t tell her, right?
DREW
God, no. Do you want any help with all this?
MACKENNA
Only if you want to. Just follow the recipe on page….I think it was 34?
DREW
Lemon basil chicken?
MACKENNA
That’s the one.
(He starts gathering ingredients.)
DREW
So...how much do you really want to go to this thing?
MACKENNA
What, my sister’s seventh engagement party? I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What are you talking about?
DREW
Do you like him?
MACKENNA
Jake’s fine, besides the fact that I didn’t bother to learn his name until about three days ago. He’s nice enough. Not someone I’d choose to spend the rest of my life with, though.
DREW
Well, I know of a drive-in that just opened not too far from here. At most, it’s probably a 20 minute drive. What do you think?
MACKENNA
Drew, I can’t just skip out on this thing.
DREW
We’re not skipping out. We’re just going to go get ice for the cooler because we forgot it.
MACKENNA
I don’t know.
DREW
You already made all the food. You’ve done so much. How often do I come to town?
MACKENNA
Never.
DREW
Exactly.
MACKENNA
Hold on. (She leaves the room. Offstage:) Mom?
(Drew’s confident exterior fades as he checks his shirt for stains, fixes his hair, and re-rolls the cuffs on his sleeves. He rehearses a conversation in his head, at times making hand gestures and mouthing some of the words. He pulls a ring box out of his pocket, opens it, and shuts it again.)
DREW
This is so stupid. She’s going to say no. You’re so stupid.
TUME is a dick and VAJ is a pussy. This is a play about a penis and a vagina. Just in case that is not absolutely clear. There is no need to indicate directly via costumes, sets, or props that this is the case. I would like the audience to have the realization slowly (and hopefully I have achieved that in the writing.). It might be interesting to see what this play does standing up when it is acted by actors of the same sex and/or actors who own the opposite physical equipment of the character they are playing.
Production Note: At no time should the actors in this production be nude or remove any clothing.
Lights up on TUME and VAJ, eyes locked, like prey fearful if they move the hunter will find them.
VAJ Holy shit.
TUME Holy shit.
VAJ It’s happening.
TUME I think so.
VAJ (pointing at TUME) I mean my mom told me about—
TUME I know!
VAJ And now we’re like—
TUME Here.
VAJ Wow.
TUME Together in the same room.
VAJ And I see you.
TUME I see you too!
VAJ I mean, I’ve seen you. A picture of you.
TUME Yeah, me too.
VAJ How did I look?
TUME Clinical.
VAJ So, this is my room.
TUME Its nice.
VAJ I feel funny.
TUME Me too.
VAJ What happens next?
TUME I have no idea.
VAJ Are you okay?
TUME I’m stiff.
VAJ Was it something you ate at dinner?
TUME No.
VAJ That was a nice dinner by the way.
TUME You’re welcome.
VAJ Is that normal? The stiffness?
TUME Well, it happens.
VAJ begins to drool slightly.
VAJ Is there anything I can do to help?
TUME You could rub me a little.
VAJ Rub you?
TUME Just here. And here.
VAJ Are you in pain?
TUME I’m not.
VAJ Then I’m not gonna rub you.
TUME What’s with you?
VAJ Nothing.
TUME You’re drooling.
VAJ I’m just having trouble swallowing.
TUME There is drool literally running down your chin.
VAJ It happens sometimes.
TUME Is it supposed to?
VAJ Depends.
TUME On what?
VAJ I’m so confused.
TUME Me too.
VAJ Like, what are we supposed to do?
TUME Can I come closer?
VAJ No, I’m drooling, its embarrassing.
TUME Not any worse than being stiff as wood.
VAJ Are you seeing this? This is abhorrent.
TUME Its kinda cute.
VAJ Stop.
TUME I mean it.
VAJ No, I mean, stop, don’t come any closer.
TUME Why?
VAJ You’re trouble.
TUME I’m not trouble!
VAJ My mom only told me about… your type and that I was supposed to be careful.
TUME Careful?
VAJ Yeah.
TUME What, like I’m some kind of monster?
VAJ Well, not exactly.
TUME What did she say?
VAJ She just said, “Be careful of Tume’s. They are nothing but trouble.”
TUME My mom said I should be real polite, buy Vaj’s dinner, and open the door for them.
VAJ What did your dad say?
TUME He gave me a garbage bag.
VAJ A garbage bag?
TUME Like, three of them.
VAJ Why?
TUME Because I might throw up?
VAJ You got a weak stomach?
TUME No.
VAJ Well, it can’t be any worse than my drooling all over yourself. Super hot, I know.
TUME Human bodies are so weird.
VAJ I know right?
TUME Like, they do stuff just all by themselves. Like, we don’t get a say.
VAJ Tell me about it.
TUME Like this stiffness? Everyday. It comes and goes but its super embarrassing when it happens in public.
VAJ My body feels like its begin ripped apart from the inside by a tiny tyrannosaurus rex named Terry and I bleed from my mouth every month for a week but no matter how much I wish I would die, I never do. And then it happens again the next month.
TUME Okay. You win.
VAJ I think we’re supposed to do something now.
TUME I’ll come closer.
VAJ Okay.
VAJ drools a little more
TUME That’s a lot of drool.
VAJ If you don’t like—
TUME Like I said, I think its cute.
VAJ I like how stiff you get.
TUME It’s a beautiful room.
VAJ Thanks.
TUME Just like you.
VAJ leans in to kiss TUME but before she can get there, TUME holds his hand up topause.
TUME Hang on. I promised my dad.
TUME removes a garbage bag from his pocket and arranges it over his mouth with a loose pouch like area so that we can see his breath inflate and deflate the pouch. He then resumes the position he left before putting on the garbage bag apparatus.
VAJ and TUME kiss. It should be long-ish, wet, and gross. Feel free to add sound effects. Maybe a brave stagehand, fully visible and in theater blacks, enters and douses the couple in water or slime.
The kiss concludes with TUME vomiting into his garbage bag.
VAJ Oh my god, did I do something wrong?
TUME No, that happens all the time.
VAJ That happens all the time?
TUME Usually when I get stiff.
VAJ God, it looked… hot.
TUME Thank you? You look like you went swimming in slime.
VAJ You too.
TUME I think I liked it.
VAJ Me too.
TUME Wanna do it again?
VAJ You have another garbage bag?
TUME I have two!
Lights fade as TUME places another bag over his mouth and the couple begins again.
Beside or near the underside of a bridge in a major metropolitan area. There should be large bricks with crumbling mortar, graffiti, trash. Somewhere in the chaos of all this there should be a conspicuously written “MATHEW 5:5-9”, preferably near JOSIAH’s house.
JOSIAH is rich by street standards. His home is comprised of assorted, mismatching pillows, a few shopping carts, a tarp that has a few holes, plastic bags, bottles, and jugs, a mattress that has turned the color of soot, and several empty Campbell’s soup cans.
JOSIAH also owns a bible.
TOPHER enters singing LED ZEPPLIN’s “Stairway to Heaven” disheveled, dirty and drunk. TOPHER should present as a man. There should be absolutely no indication made until explicitly stated in the script that TOPHER is anything other than a man.
TOPHER “THERE’S A LADY WHO’S SURE
ALL THE GLITTERS IS GOLD
AND SHE’S BUYING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
WHEN SHE GETS THERE SHE KNOWS
IF THE STORES ARE ALL CLOSED
WITH A WORD SHE CAN GET WHAT SHE CAME FOR”
JOSIAH (entering from the portal of his house) Could you keep it down friend?
TOPHER What’s it to you?
JOSIAH Just trying to read.
TOPHER What you got there?
JOSIAH Bible.
TOPHER A bible!
JOSIAH That’s right.
TOPHER Why the fuck you reading a bible?
JOSIAH It soothes me.
TOPHER Got anything to drink?
JOSIAH Water.
TOPHER Whisky, vodka, fucking gin motherfucker.
JOSIAH Move along friend.
TOPHER I ain’t your friend.
JOSIAH I know it. I don’t truck with drunks.
TOPHER (amused) He don’t truck with drunks?
JOSIAH Move along.
TOPHER Got a nice little set up here pops.
JOSIAH I said move along.
TOPHER (indicating the MATTHEW 5:5-9) That your work?
JOSIAH “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”
TOPHER You sure about that?
JOSIAH What do you want?
TOPHER Can I have your mattress?
JOSIAH I said what do you want.
TOPHER So defensive, old timer.
JOSIAH I don’t recognize you.
TOPHER Why would you?
JOSIAH I know all the street folk. And all the street folk know me. You’re not one of us.
TOPHER “One of us” he says. Like it’s a fucking club.
JOSIAH It is.
TOPHER Who says I wanna be a part of your fucking club?
JOSIAH I’m saying I don’t know you.
TOPHER Got anything to drink?
JOSIAH No.
TOPHER I need something to drink.
JOSIAH You need the Lord is what you need.
TOPHER Jesus Christ.
JOSIAH “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.”
TOPHER I’m thirsty, all right!
JOSIAH I told you to move along.
TOPHER Tell me, how are some words on a page gonna do anything for you?
JOSIAH The Lord is my solace and my salvation.
TOPHER So you believe in that shit? Some alien in the sky gonna take you to paradise after you die?
JOSIAH “Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy”.
TOPHER Mercy, huh? What’s that mean?
JOSIAH I told you to move along friend.
TOPHER And I said I ain’t your friend.
JOSIAH This is my house here. There ain’t nothing for you here.
TOPHER Suppose I take a liking to something I see?
JOSIAH Would you like a pillow?
TOPHER I’ve been eyeing that mattress of yours.
JOSIAH “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God”
TOPHER You gonna see God, old timer? Got one of those pure hearts?
JOSIAH The mattress is mine. All of this is mine.
TOPHER Awfully possessive for a Christian, ain’t you?
JOSIAH What do you want, friend?
TOPHER For the last time, I ain’t your friend.
JOSIAH “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God”.
TOPHER You a peacemaker now?
JOSIAH I don’t want no trouble.
TOPHER That was always my beef with that book of yours.
JOSIAH What?
TOPHER I ain’t meek or blessed or merciful or pure or a mother fucking peacemaker because that ain’t me. It just ain’t me because I had a daddy who liked to suck my titties and finger my little pussy every night while my mom slept and then, he got sent to prison. For 18 years. 18 years my daddy served for making me feel like I was about as far from them words you got tattooed up there on that bridge but then: He walked free. My daddy got out and got himself a bible and street corner and he stood on a little box and started talking about sin and forgiveness and telling all the little street urchins that they could be redeemed, made whole if they just believed in the word of the Lord. But you know what? Its all just lies. You can’t be made whole. Not by words in a fucking book. And certainly not by a rapist pedophile father. But you know what can make me whole? Vengeance. What’s that phrase? Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord?
JOSIAH Abigail?
TOPHER Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare call me that. You call me Topher because that’s who I am to you.
JOSIAH Abigail?! Oh my God, I don’t know what to say— I was a different person, I—
TOPHER So was I.
JOSIAH How did you find me?
TOPHER Say I’m sorry.
TOPHER/ABIGAIL begins removing a long-is cloth bag with a bundle of coins at oneend, a violent instrument of bludgeoning.
JOSIAH What?
TOPHER I want you to say I’m sorry.
JOSIAH I’m—I’m sorry!
TOPHER Sorry ain’t enough for me mother fucker.
TOPHER/ABIGAIL bludgeons JOSIAH to death upstage inside of JOSIAH’s house. It should be brutal sounding and incredibly vocal from both actors until JOSIAH falls silent and all we hear are the sound of TOPHER’s breathing and grunts and the sick sloppy sounds of the bag of coins hitting something wet and soft.
A moment. TOPHER looks around.
TOPHER begins to sing again as she exits.
TOPHER “THERE’S A LADY WHO’S SURE
ALL THE GLITTERS IS GOLD
AND SHE’S BUYING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
WHEN SHE GETS THERE SHE KNOWS
IF THE STORES ARE ALL CLOSED
WITH A WORD SHE CAN GET WHAT SHE CAME FOR”
AGNES and GERDIE’s living room in an assisted living facility. Both GERDIE and AGNES should be played by much older actors. GERDIE is knitting/crocheting something with a furious intensity. There are several beats of AGNES taking in GERDIE’s behavior and energy before she begins to speak.
AGNES This is depressing.
GERDIE No it’s not.
AGNES You are knitting a shroud for the dead cat.
GERDIE I loved Buford!
AGNES Buford was a cat!
GERDIE Get out of here with your negativity.
AGNES Let’s go to bingo.
GERDIE I hate bingo.
AGNES Let’s go for a walk. The mall hoofers van leaves in 20 minutes.
GERDIE I’m tired.
AGNES I’m worried.
GERDIE This is important to me.
AGNES There’s something going on with you!
GERDIE You wanna go bingo or for a walk, be my guest.
AGNES Look, I’m sorry about Buford.
GERDIE You hated him.
AGNES He clawed my thighs!
GERDIE Buford liked to leap from your lap.
AGNES I never understood that.
GERDIE I kept saying you should keep a blanket on your lap.
AGNES I wouldn’t have needed a blanket if Buford hadn’t been such a jumper.
GERDIE Well, he was a jumper.
AGNES I’m sorry.
GERDIE Its okay.
AGNES He was just a cat.
GERDIE Not to me.
AGNES Whats’ the matter?
GERDIE Nothing.
AGNES After 35 years you still think you can fool me.
GERDIE Just go already.
AGNES I’m not going anywhere.
GERDIE I’ve got a lot on my mind.
AGNES What?
GERDIE I thought you were going for a walk.
AGNES If I’m going for a walk its gonna be with you, now will you please put down the kitty death shroud.
GERDIE I hate it when you get like this.
AGNES Good, we’re both irritated.
GERDIE Leave me alone.
AGNES What is it with you?
GERDIE I’m thinking about death.
AGNES Well, that’s understandable.
GERDIE What am I gonna do without you?
AGNES Wait, what?
GERDIE When you die?
AGNES I’m not dying.
GERDIE But you will!
AGNES So will you!
GERDIE I’m not ready for you to die.
AGNES Good, cuz I’m not ready to die.
GERDIE It could happen though. It could happen right now.
AGNES Are you trying to tell me something?
GERDIE Look at Buford. Run over by a garbage truck!
AGNES That was an accident.
GERDIE Exactly. Accidents happen, they can happen anytime.
AGNES I’m not going anywhere.
GERDIE But you will. Eventually.
AGNES You’re being unreasonable.
GERDIE I’m being realistic. What happens when we croak?
AGNES We croak!
GERDIE I want a divorce.
AGNES What?!
GERDIE I can’t take the pressure.
AGNES Pressure!? What pressure?
GERDIE If you die first it’ll kill me.
AGNES So you want to divorce?
GERDIE Its what I want.
AGNES What about what I want?
GERDIE I’m sorry but I think this is best, for both our sakes.
AGNES I don’t follow.
GERDIE As long as you’re around I’m gonna be thinking: When is she gonna die? When am I going to die? What if we both go at the same time? Its like living with a ticking time bomb.
AGNES Modern bombs don’t tick.
GERDIE You’re not listening to me!
AGNES Because you’re not making any sense!
GERDIE I can’t live like this.
AGNES I’m not going anywhere!
GERDIE But you will! And so will I! I want a divorce!
AGNES So, what?! You can die alone? What kind of sense does that make.
GERDIE If it’s gonna happen anyway, why not?
AGNES You aren’t gonna die alone! I’ll be there!
GERDIE Not if you die first!
AGNES Who says I’m gonna die first?
GERDIE You’re older than me.
AGNES That doesn’t mean anything.
GERDIE I want a a divorce.
AGNES Well you can’t have a divorce.
GERDIE Fine, I’ll call a lawyer.
AGNES A lawyer?
GERDIE Yeah.
AGNES What is this really about?
GERDIE I’ll say you beat me.
AGNES That’ not funny, put the kitty shroud down and talk to me!
beat
GERDIE I’m scared.
AGNES It’s okay to be scared.
GERDIE Why do we have to die?
AGNES Death is a part of life. Its part of the package.
GERDIE It shouldn’t be. It should be optional.
AGNES That sounds awful.
GERDIE No it wouldn’t! Then you could choose if you wanted to leave others. There would be like an early warning system. “Gerdie has decided she’s going to die on Tuesday September 9th. Agnes, please mark your calendars.”
AGNES The way my body had been behaving lately, I don’t want to see how much more can go wrong in the next decade.
GERDIE I don’t want to lose you.
AGNES You’re not gonna lose me. I have a great sense of direction.
GERDIE What if you’re not there? On the other side? Just, like… darkness and cold.
AGNES I’ll be there.
GERDIE How can you be sure? Like how do you know death isn’t the end, you know?
Like Buford. I feel like I’m never gonna see him again.
AGNES Close your eyes.
GERDIE What?
AGNES Close your damned eyes, Gerdie!
GERDIE closes her eyes.
AGNES Place your hands on the shroud. Now picture him, Buford, see his mangy little face and those damned claws.
GERDIE His face wasn’t mangy!
AGNES Shhh! I’m trying to make a point. Just listen and visualize! Get a real clear picture in your head. You got one?
GERDIE I think so.
AGNES That’s him. His spirit. Right there with you in your mind, its in the warmth creeping into your chest and that smile on your face. There is a there there, on the other side, a place where, whatever this is, goes, this energy that is us and that’s the place I’ll be. Ready to irritate the living shit out of you for the rest of eternity.
beat
GERDIE Thank you.
AGNES We should probably bury him.
GERDIE Good idea.
AGNES I’m glad we’re not getting divorced.
GERDIE Me too.
AGNES I mean, we still could if you really think it’ll make you feel better.
A simple park bench. The sun is shining and there are the sounds of gulls and perhapsthe occasional crash of a wave. It is extremely pleasant. A man, WILLIAM, enters eating an icecream cone. He is dressed very smartly in a cream or powder blue suit with bright yellow tie andtan loafers. He is meticulous in the way he eats, careful not to get any ice cream on his suit or thepark bench where he sits.
Immediately adjacent to the park bench is a large storm drain cut into the curb. It shouldbe large enough for the actor, CARL, to be seen.
After a few moments of WILLIAM enjoying his ice cream and taking in the beauty of themoment, CARL appears inside the storm drain. It is okay if the audience doesn’t immediatelyregister his presence. CARL watches WILLIAM eating for a bit and then:
CARL Is it good?
WILLIAM Somebody there?
CARL Down here.
WILLIAM Down where?
CARL The storm drain. Right next to where you are sitting.
WILLIAM Good heavens! One of you people.
CARL You people?
WILLIAM From the sewer?
CARL It’s called my home.
WILLIAM Okay.
CARL (re: the ice cream) Is is good?
WILLIAM The ice cream? Delicious.
CARL I’m having mushroom salad.
WILLIAM I beg your pardon?
CARL Fresh mushrooms? Tossed in oil. Delicious.
WILLIAM You’re joking?
CARL I love your suit. It’s festive.
WILLIAM Its my birthday suit.
CARL You were born in that?
WILLIAM Don’t be silly. I wanted to treat myself to something nice, on my birthday.
CARL Todays’ my birthday too.
WILLIAM Well, happy birthday.
CARL In my birthday suit too. Letting myself take in the sunlight.
At this point, we should be aware that CARL is completely naked down below.
WILLIAM Good heavens!
CARL Can I have a lick of your ice cream?
WILLIAM Is that your nipple?
CARL Yeah, I’m self conscious about them cuz they are so tiny.
WILLIAM Naked! Are you naked down there?
CARL Why wouldn’t I be? So how about a lick? I’ll give you a bit of my mushroom salad.
WILLIAM You are foul.
CARL Not a bird, just a man.
WILLIAM How can you live like this?
CARL So that’s a no on the ice cream then?
WILLIAM And whatever it is your eating looks disgusting.
CARL How would you know, you haven’t even tried it.
WILLIAM I don’t need to try it, I can see it with my eyes.
CARL The eyes can be deceived.
WILLIAM Put some clothes on.
CARL No thanks.
WILLIAM I can’t enjoy my ice cream when I know there is a naked man in the sewer eating fungus.
CARL Really? Cuz I’m having a helluva time watching you in your birthday suit.
WILLIAM Must I call the authorities?
CARL Hey man, I’m just living my life, why don’t you live yours.
WILLIAM This is a public park!
CARL Your point?
WILLIAM You people down there.
CARL What do you mean by that?
WILLIAM It’s like you are just so different.
CARL And that’s a bad thing?
WILLIAM I just don’t understand how you can live like that.
CARL Live down here?
WILLIAM When there are perfectly fine ways of living up here!
CARL Why do you say that?
WILLIAM Because that’s filthy.
CARL You don’t know that.
WILLIAM I can see that its filthy.
CARL You ice cream is melting.
WILLIAM Dammit!
CARL Got a little on your suit.
WILLIAM Where?
CARL Just on the cuff there.
WILLIAM Oh, blast!
CARL Here, have a wet one.
WILLIAM A wet what?
CARL A wet one. Their like little nappys, only wet.
WILLIAM I am not taking anything called a wet one from a naked man in the sewer.
CARL Their good for cleaning up sticky situations.
WILLIAM I wouldn’t know anything about that.
CARL You know, you should come down here sometime.
WILLIAM Good God, no.
CARL I think you’d like it. I could show you the massive culverts and the Falls of Confluence where all the drains meet and form this huge spray of greens and oranges or the hall of mushrooms where you can pick as many as you like and you could make your own salad and I’ll show you a place where we can watch the planes from the airport take off. We’d get so close that the roar of their engines will make your teeth rattle. Sure you don’t want any mushroom salad?
WILLIAM Now my suit is ruined. Ice cream all over the cuff!
CARL Gosh, that is awful.
WILLIAM Thanks to you.
CARL To me?
WILLIAM You distracted me. The ice cream melted all down my hand.
CARL I ask you if I could have a lick.
WILLIAM And I said no.
CARL But why?
WILLIAM Because you’re down there!
CARL But I offered you a bite of my mushroom salad.
WILLIAM I don’t want anything from you people down there, I’ve got all I need up here.
CARL How can you hate something you’ve never even tried?
WILLIAM Because I just can.
CARL You people up there are just nuts.
WILLIAM Excuse me, what did you say?
CARL I said you’re nuts.
WILLIAM You said “you people”.
CARL Yeah?
WILLIAM How dare you!
CARL What?
WILLIAM You’re a…a… floorist!
CARL A what?
WILLIAM You’re prejudiced because I’m up here.
CARL No, I’m not.
WILLIAM You just said “you people.” (Shouting as if to others offstage) He just said “You People!”
CARL I mean, I did, but I meant like you in particular.
WILLIAM He’s a floorist!
CARL I’m not sure that means what you think it means.
WILLIAM It means you think I’m inferior because I live up here. On this floor.
CARL Oh! F-l-o-o-r. Floor-ist. I was super confused for a second. Uh, yeah, no, not a“floorist”.
WILLIAM You and your disgusting dirty naked body and fungus salad.
CARL Not dirty, I use wet ones.
WILLIAM Ugh! Their probably just moist toilet paper!
CARL I just wanted a lick of your ice cream.
WILLIAM You people deserve to be down there.
CARL Are you sure you don’t want a wet one? I don’t want that stain on your sleeve to set.
WILLIAM Get away, stay down there where you belong! Police! Police! This floorist is attacking me with his beliefs about wet things, fungus, and nudity! Help! Help me!
LUCE So, wear your stupid dress and I’ll wear mine.
BIANCA My dress is not stupid.
LUCE Sorry. Your dress. Wear your dress.
BIANCA You can’t come to my wedding in an original white Vera Wang.
LUCE Who says?
BIANCA Me!
LUCE It’s already paid for!
BIANCA Wear it somewhere else.
LUCE You know I never go anywhere fancy. Besides, Vera wants to see how it looks in a natural setting.
BIANCA A natural setting?
LUCE Yeah, outside the studio.
BIANCA Don’t they do that at fashion shows?
LUCE Blech, too corporate.
BIANCA Wait a minute, how is Vera gonna know how the dress looks?
LUCE She’s my plus one.
BIANCA Luce!
LUCE Chill out Bianca! You should be honored.
BIANCA This is my wedding. My day! You can’t invite Vera fucking Wang to my wedding.
LUCE She gave me a huge discount on the dress for letting her tag along.
BIANCA Tell her she can’t come.
LUCE Why not?
BIANCA Because, it’s my wedding and I will not have you or her ruin it.
LUCE She’s very discrete.
BIANCA This is LA. Nothing in this town is discreet.
LUCE I’m sure Brian will understand.
BIANCA Do you know how far up his ass the studio is? If they find out he went ahead with the wedding—
LUCE Is the studio still promoting his relationship with country Barbie?
BIANCA Taylor Swift and yes, they need to keep up appearances until after their new movie comes out.
LUCE Seems like an awful lot of work.
BIANCA Movies sell better when there’s the appearance of real life romance.
LUCE But the romance is fake. Brian is marrying you.
BIANCA So’s the movie. People don’t care. Studios sell fantasy.
LUCE I still don’t see what the big deal is.
BIANCA Vera Wang is one of the hottest designers in town. If she shows up here, that means there will be paparazzi, photographers. Word will get out that Brian is marrying some bimbo in publishing.
LUCE You’re a junior editor at Vogue!
BIANCA Exactly. I’ll be the woman who broke up Brian and Taylor’s relationship.
LUCE They don’t have a relationship.
BIANCA You need to tell Vera she can’t come.
LUCE But the dress?
BIANCA Why can’t you ask her to wear it someplace else?
LUCE There’s the Rotary Convention next month.
BIANCA Great! Rotary. That’s fantastic.
LUCE But Vera really hates Rotary.
BIANCA Why?
LUCE Something to do with corporate greed and malfeasance. I wasn’t paying attention.
BIANCA You can’t let Vera come to my wedding
LUCE I can’t really afford to tell her no.
BIANCA Sure you can. Just give her the dress back and say “No, Vera, I’m not going to ruin mysister’s life.”
LUCE I can’t do that.
BIANCA Are you serious right now?
LUCE I mean, maybe there won’t be any paparazzi?
BIANCA Okay, give me your phone, let me call Vera right now. I’ll explain everything.
LUCE No, no, no, no, alright. I’ll tell her she won’t come.
BIANCA Fantastic!
LUCE If you feature the dress in next month’s issue.
beat
BIANCA Are you blackmailing me right now?
LUCE No.
BIANCA Because I feel like you might be blackmailing me.
LUCE Vera really needs this dress to be seen.
BIANCA Does she?
LUCE Its kind of really very kinda important.
BIANCA Vera didn’t make this dress did she.
LUCE Not exactly.
BIANCA You made the dress didn’t you.
LUCE Maybe.
BIANCA Vera doesn’t need the dress to be seen, Vera needs to see the dress.
beat
BIANCA How much did you spend?
LUCE Everything I had?
BIANCA Jesus H. Christ, Luce! This is my wedding.
LUCE I know, I know and I’ll tell Vera she can’t come and I’ll wear something else but youhave to get this dress into the magazine.
BIANCA You know how its gonna look I feature my sisters dress in Vogue?
LUCE Nepotism is like the only way to get ahead anymore.
BIANCA This is so fucked.
LUCE I love you?
BIANCA You owe me big time.
LUCE I definitely love you.
BIANCA And no Vera!
LUCE No Vera. But can I bring Puglsey?
BIANCA Your dog?
LUCE He fits in my purse.
BIANCA What if he shits in it?
LUCE I’ll bring wet ones.
BIANCA I really hate that you call them that.
LUCE That’s literally what they are called.
BIANCA “Wet ones”, sounds hideous, like they were dry once but something awful happened to them.
