There’s no great need to customize a Thneed, cuz my Thing can change into anyThing a body requires. You’d be hard-pressed to figure out a form or function the plain old original Thneed can’t fill. Still, there is a demand out there for personalization (mostly through different proportions or mixed materials) and I’m happy to oblige. Sometimes a customer with impeccably good taste will request a reproduction of some or other Thneed gear I designed for myself that they caught in a photo. Some want their thneed made with an exotic flavoring or scented with something other than butterfly milk. These are not off the ol’ Assembly Line but knitted by hand to the measurements in question and sold at a premium. The clients of this couture made-to-order division of the company include celebrities and notables from far and wide.
Besides that, thneeds altered to adapt more easily to a particular service (mops, beds, stuffed animals, nylons, upholstery, floss, curtains, food, toothbrushes…) can be spotted readymade on a store shelf near you, since they’re all featured in the Thneed Inc product lines. Companies can order these in bulk if they need a whole mess to outfit their employees with, but a few times a company needed something specific outside of what is already offered. In these cases, too, we were cool with whipping up whatever, according to their specifications. People know my patented Thneed fibers are second to none when it comes to quality, usability, gentleness, absorption, durability, a thorough clean, you name it.
The funkiest customized thneed ever conceived was—and it’s a tough one to call—a swanky little number laced with 24 karat gold thread and diamond dust. It also had to glow in the dark and reveal a Peter Max painting under black light, while smelling like Chanel No. 5. Oh yeah, and it had to be crocheted instead of knitted.
The requester is under wraps, but suffice it to say the cat was loaded.
I’m getting the feeling we might be wanting some different Thneed-types here. Just a hunch. If I’m right, not a problem. Lucky for you, variety in the marketplace is the spice of—…the marketplace!
Thneeds come in several colors, all naturally produced by the plants themselves. Firstly, there’s of course pink, my bestseller and the most recognizable representative for all Thneeds:
Then there’s purpley, orangey, yellowy, and reddish. As best I can figure it, “fuchsia” is a sort of a variation of purpley.
But now we’re in a whole new age, and only five original colors just don’t cut it these days. The world’s ready for expanding options, to get turned on and way out with kaleidoscopes of crazy looks. I owe it to my customer base to provide whole new Things to try on for size.
In that interest, the newest diversification measure of my product offerings is a whole new color range. That’s blue, green, white, brown, black, and tie-dye!
If there’s any other kinds or colors (or patterns or pictures or, perhaps, pop art) of Thneed you think would make a cherry addition to my line-up, drop me a line and I’ll give it a look-over.
I’d like to tell you all a story. It’s a fine illustration of my relationship with my family.
See, we didn’t always get on.
Way back in the days before sliced bread and frozen tv dinners and instant coffee, there was a little old cabin tucked in the trees on a mountainside and I lived in it. Me and my folks, that is. We were sharecroppers down south, in the woods just west of Kinchafoonee. The place was wanting of electricity, running water, and right about anything else you can think of.
Things were tough out there; pickins were lean. There wasn’t much in the way of recreation, just what satisfaction you could get out of surviving. Everybody, big and small, had to pitch into the effort of putting food on the table. Sure, I had what diversions I could devise to bear me through the hardship and troubles…
…but up in the hills where I’m from, nobody was particularly prosperous. We all made do with what we had.
My family consisted of six relations: there was mama, my aunt, my uncle, my brothers (just knee-high to a grasshopper then),
and me.
Life can get crowded with all them kin in a one-room cabin. Eking out a living kinda tended to take the precedence over luxuries like celebrating special occasions or, y’know, basic privacy. We lived almost on top of each other, and every singular thing was as simple and raw as it gets and you had to work hard to get it. That kind of daily drudgery can wear on you.
By a certain point in my boyhood I’d gotten pretty sick of all this, and my ambitious streak had kicked in full-time. Me and my family didn’t tend to see eye-to-eye on a lot because of it. They just couldn’t understand my vision of yanking us up outta that lowly life and onto easy street. So one day, a Sunday, I decided to shake up the routine. I’d concluded that my folks must feel as tired and worn as I did, maybe even more for the child-rearing, and that they didn’t know it, but they needed a surprise. A little taste of what I kept squawking on about.
So that morning, when the rest of my family went to church, I secretly hung back and sneaked home. I snatched up my axe,
my mallet,
my fishin’ stick,
and my copy of Helen Koues’ How to Be Your Own Decorator,
and got down to business. First I cleaned the whole place from top to bottom—and then I made it purdy. I hacked up some branches and hewed ‘em into a coat rack, painted on our tin plates, twisted twigs into wreaths, tied rags and rope into bows, fashioned a stump into a centerpiece, knitted up makeshift curtains and doilies and vague unspecified hangings, draped and hung flowers and leaves all around, and lit a whole mess of candles. On top of all that (with the help of a better crop than usual this year, my lifetime savings of pocket money, a secret stash I’d been compiling, and that fishing stick) I fixed a real-life actual feast: catfish nuggets, squirrel, butter grits, pigs’ feet, hog mows, shoo-fly pie, and flannel cakes to boot.
Finally, it was all finished.
I was so jazzed about the big reveal I could hardly contain it. But then, they all came home and…
…let’s just say they weren’t too crazy about it. They didn’t take kindly to dirty “weeds” being drug in from outdoors, or to my skipping church to make a sorry looking mess of things, or to my tying up bows and painting pretty pictures. They didn’t take to any of it. Into the fire went my coat rack, which is where firewood belonged, and out into a trash heap went everything else. I didn’t catch so much as a thank you. All I did catch was a whoopin’ for wasting a day’s work.
After that I took off running, deep into the pines near the creek, where I settled under a briar patch, sat there holding the last remains of my surprise, and stewed.
Boy, was I cross. Why couldn’t they appreciate my classic, yet rustic interior design sensibility? Why couldn’t they see I was trying to improve our lives, give us all something nice for once? I was so mad I resolved to never go home. I’d strike it out on my own. I fastened together two seared coat rack shards (and plenty of other pieces of wood) into the Coat Rack 2.0: a canoe to float me down the creek to a faraway destination.
The next thing I needed was nourishment for my journey, and luckily, I had it. Earlier I’d strung a sack of berries on a tree while catching the main ingredient for my catfish nuggets, and left the provisions where they hung.
I figured I could subsist on that till I arrived. It was a little heavier than I remembered, though.
Well, I set sail down the creek for my new life. But after drifting along for a while, sure enough I was gettin’ famished and I wanted a berry. So I opened the sack.
The doggone thing was filled with rocks.
It was obvious to me who’d done it: my kid brothers. On the way home from the holler, they’d crossed by the creek, found my berries, and took them. I knew it was those two because that’s what they always did when they stole my stuff. Replaced it with rocks and thought I wouldn’t notice. They even used rocks when they stole my pillow out its case one time. Thought I wouldn’t notice. And now they’d gone and done it again, just when I needed something to survive off. I didn’t think I’d ever been madder.
I fix a big surprise for my family and all I get from them is rocks. A whole lotta rocks.
I hated rocks. I hated every rock in the river, every big jagged boulder—
—something was off. I was in a river. Sure, I knew I was in a creek, but this wasn’t no creek. The waterway had been widening and widening and now I was in the middle of a bonafide river, and moving fast. I hadn’t paid it any mind since I was so preoccupied.
In almost the same whack, I realized I was approaching rapids, the kind of rocky rapids right before a fall. And from the sound of the roar ahead, it was lookin’ to be a big one. But if that didn’t kill me, crashing into any one of those boulders would do me in just fine.
I had to think fast. Luckily, I always thought fast; you had to growing up like I did or else you wouldn’t grab up any supper from the table before everybody else hogged it up. Or else you wouldn’t reel up your fish while it was on your hook and it’d get away and you’d go hungry. Or else you wouldn’t get anything. So I assessed my surroundings, and after finding nothing else to prevent my impending demise, the answer jumped out at me: drop anchor. What I had with my sack of heavy rocks attached to a rope was an anchor, all I had to do was use it that way. So I did.
And it worked!
Just before my vessel descended to oblivion, I hit the brakes using my brothers’ rocks. Their rocks saved my life.
When I finally made my way out of that water and onto shore, I had a new perspective. Things seemed clearer, my resolve to run away seemed stupid, and everything I had taken for granted before, everything that wasn’t enough for me, was perfectly satisfying just the way it was.
I realized now that those folks at home may have been unrefined, but they labored each day from dawn till dusk to keep me alive and I did the same for them. We all depended on each other. And that was a pretty thing indeed.
As soon as I was grown I actually did strike it out on my own, and—you know the rest. All of ‘em came up to help me once I struck metaphorical gold, and we’ve been getting along swell ever since.
Yeah, they were tough on me, but my family’s actions gave me the greatest gift and wisest council a young person could ask for, which is preparation for the way the world is. I learned early on that nobody was gonna hand me anything, even gratitude. That everything I got had to be really earned, and to not expect anybody to care how hard you tried. That all people have limits, that they can only love so much and then they’ve got to take care of themselves, and to understand that and love them anyway.
My family did more for me than anyone in the world. They don’t owe me anything, because what they gave me was what they had, and what they knew to do with it. I owe them all I’ve got in return.
Hello, I'm Dakota Jenkins. Would you like a marshmallow brownie? They're free, by the way
Dear Dakota,
Baby. Please. You never have to ask. Don’t you know that marshmallows are the balm to this man’s weary soul? If you should have the inclination, send it right on over to Ye Annex, your very own verified address for packages or veritable victuals of any variety. Same goes for all of y’all reading: if you’ve anything for the Thing King, such as whodads or doodads or desserts or whosmawhatsits or desserts or thingamabobs or, say, desserts—you can send ‘em to me directly at that address.
Thank you kindly for the generous offer, little Miss Jenkins! It ain’t every day a man can obtain a delicacy of this order for nothing at all.
Do you eat your toast butter side up, or butter side down?
Dear Miss Jaimie,
Another letter from you, and another message having something to with food. I like you. You’re speakin’ my language. But, Jaimie, I read this one once, and I read it again, because I figured I misread it, and then I read it a third time, and I tried to understand it, and I don’t reckon I misread it, and correct me if I did—but why would anybody eat a piece of toast upside-down? Maybe I’m outta touch, maybe this is one of those cryptic messages y’all’ve sent me that means something different. But if not, why? Why eat your toast butter-side down? What’s the benefit? So you can hold it like that and get your fingers all buttery?
To make it easier for it to land that way?
For an unnecessarily messy eating experience?
To adhere to a smooth surface?
I mean, help me out here. I’m old enough to remember when sliced bread came out, and I gotta say this is anything but the best idea since.
Green is a color yes it's true, but it's not very creative (of course, unlike you.) 8)
Dear Anony,
First off. Friends, I’m sitting here with a piping hot mug of Dr. Pepper thinking about that real gone cat all dressed up in red who dropped off thousands of Thneeds last night and it is very heartwarming. Congratulations to the nice kids who got ‘em. How did I know? Oh, I happen to have it on good authority.
As to the sender. So you don’t think green is creative, huh? Well, that’s your opinion, you’re entitled to it. But I’ll have to respectfully disagree with you on that one. Today especially. Y’see, green is the color of nature, youth, wealth, and, well—the Holidays. That’s probably due to several traditions, the first being the bringing in of evergreen trees from the cold forests to the merry yuletide hearth. Another being the song “Greensleeves”, which King Henry the VIII wrote about some chick he was hung up on named Anne Boleyn. Incidentally, “Greensleeves” is also something folks called me way back when. I picked the color out ‘cause of its character. It’s got that bright liveliness that’ll jump out at you in a world filled up with black suits, but still classic, y’know, something formally refined in its vibration. Due in part to the aforementioned. Kinda wild, but not too weird. In the new old-fashioned way.
Anyway, a very merry number-8-parenthesis to you too, Anony.
what are some askblogs that have blown you away in terms of art/storytelling?
I’ve got a lot to say about this!
So here we go, in no particular order.
Without a doubt; although I’ve explained why time and time again thatLQ-ler’s blog is my most favorite of all time. I’ve also got a lot of reasonsfor why I love it but to put it simply, his blog has used lots of interestingmedia elements like gifs, and creative obscuring of information and dialogue.Plotwise it has a profound concept and is metaphysical with some deepquestions. LQ also interacts with his followers in such an engaging manner. I’vehonestly cried when I read his blog and right now…right now I just can’t stopthinking about some things that have happened recently on his blog. It’s just…phenomenal.I’m so moved. Just…just read this blogif you haven’t. Start to finish…and as it continues onwards.
Swone-ler’s blog is another one. From a glance, he’s just a combination ofthe Swag Once-ler and One-ler but when tumblr user TruffulaJam started to mod the blog avery interesting and mysterious story began to arise. The blog has comedy,interesting plotlines and an fascinating main character. Nobody really know’swhat’s his deal, but something is certainly going on there. There’s alsoconsideration about his past, which may be the key to unraveling some of hissecrets.I’m heavily intrigued by this blog.
Third I can think of is Greedlr. The entire blog is a crossover of thePortal series but it is BY FAR the best executed crossover blog I’ve ever seen.The character casting is fascinating but the world building is extremelynotable. Looking at the blog you see how the elements of The Lorax and theTruffula Valley translate with the elements of Portal and Aperture Science.Gifs are used to provide movement to the posts such as flashing lights, clawsgripping the air menacingly and computer text. Again, the character has a shareof secrets, although the truth has so far been heavily eluded to (but knowingeverything about portal a lot of things fall into place). A variety of sceneryis done. The details are fantastic. I’m always eager to see the blog update.They’ve also heavily included fans, followers and all kinds of blogs which isreally refreshing. The backstory of Greedlr is especially gripping and tragic.Please check this blog out.
Fourth is Kink-ler. I’ll admit, I haven’t been following his blog for verylong. In fact, I kinda judged the blog by its name at first! But when I didlearn of it and Yoyo-Illuser explained to me that there was more to him thanjust…well, sexuality (which at the time I was wary about) his blog reveals avery engaging story that goes beyond what you see on the surface. The art isfantastic, emotional and representative. There’s a lot more to the maincharacter than you would think from a first glance and I really love how themod put a lot of thought into this character and made the concept all around somuch more profound.
398 ThneedVille Drive is a blog set in the 1960′s where people send inletters and the Once-ler replies to them! He’s never taken off his glasses.He’s a fantastic homage to the 1972 Once-ler, and I’m SUCH a sucker for that!!Although the concept isn’t profound and the blog is mostly for fun, I love theseussian elements, the time period and the short videos the mod has created.It’s an grand example of making a blog that really stands out on it’s own that doesn’thave to have to go profound to be interesting.
Oh, and there’s Cold-ler! The art is absolutely breathtaking and I know fora fact that many others have positively melted over it. The main character seessounds in colour and auras around other people and many of the effects areabsolutely breathtaking. It’s a story that has reached its conclusion, but it’sworth reading 100% if you haven’t already. It’s rather emotional in its ownright. The story of an aftermath trying to make things right.
Another more lighthearted blog of hilarity if Truffu-ler! It’s the story ofa…truffula tree…Once-ler???? Okay. This blog. Is a master of random humour andI’m SO GLAD it existed. The art is instrumental in showing meta and mindtwisting gags. Again…a blog of mystery(?) Like seriously what was Truffu-lersdeal? Perhaps we’ll never really know. It’s hard to explain…just…read it if youlike 4th wall breakers.
And…that’s all I can think of at the moment! Actually I can give opinionsabout any askblog I’ve read…so if you want some more askblog reviews, I’ve gotya covered. Just drop me an ask.
For this list I kinda tried to go back and pick blogs I’ve known for a long whileand that I remember having had an adamant reaction to…so…I mean, I might bemissing a few things? But here you go ^^
