#4-ho-met

[mbvvacationbibleschool]

4-HO-MET: Ego corrodes

Yesterday I had somewhere between 30 and 37 mg of a tryptamine hallucinogen analogue of psilocybin. I set my intention to be more patient, to reduce “friction” in relationships and to deal with my ego.  I got what I bargained for.

For future reference, I dosed at 4:20 and was certainly coming up by 4:50, entering peak around 5:15, and the peak lasted until just before 7:00. I was down by 10:00 but didn’t sleep well. 

In the come up I was feeling like I was in a humid tropical place and I had to choose to submit to the oncoming wave of dizzying intensity where nothing felt right except lying on the floor. Playing guitar was difficult, holding a pen was difficult, walking or standing was difficult, talking or listening was difficult.

The ceiling erupted into rapidly flowing interlocking patterns that pulsed with subtle color. Shadows crept and the whole world pulsed and stretched. Looking at different objects around the room changed my headspace dramatically enough that I had to just pick something to stare at. I picked the light fixture on the ceiling, which I was communicating with as if it was God.

During the peak I had to deal with the “baggage,” which seemed to be about how many logical inconsistencies that were present in my behavior. I became a spectator of my own neural pathways and assumptions, and felt as though I had been living in and reacting to a delirious environment.

I had been stubborn and closed minded, thinking I was too smart to listen to other people or try something like therapy, which it turns out I could really benefit from. I am too impatient to do things properly the first time. I fail to adequately express my needs clearly and try to simply endure frustration endlessly while projecting this frustration onto other people. 

I want to be free of paranoia and anger and to become more down to earth. I don’t want to feel like I’m living life alone. I wondered if I practice what I preach. If I come across as “cringe.” I had put up so much resistance to gratitude and peaceful coexistence with the bogeyman society and the people around me that represented it. I discovered aspects of myself that puzzled me. Am I a person who compulsively collects seeds? And what’s with this entire department dedicated to marijuana!?  I discovered that I have a lot of shame and shamelessness, flipping between a crassness and secrecy around recreational drug use ( finding out that I was a recreational drug user made no sense to me during the trip). . . always planning when I can use again or where or hoping to buy this or that novel hallucinogen.   I decided marijuana is like some kind of toxic ex-lover that I can’t move on from. It’s not therapeutic like classical psychedelics. I often don’t even enjoy it and just feel compelled to let it send me into a hole on the weekend.  It is a noise that drowns everything else out and can even inflate the ego or entrench habit. It tends towards more abstract esoteric territory as opposed to the healing and emotional experience that I had on 4-HO-MET. So as much as it pains me to say, I may take an extended break on marijuana. 

I was afraid of a serious dose of a classical psychedelic for so long and it was frustrating letting myself pussyfoot around taking a committed dose. I think it is better to have five dried grams on every solstice and equinox than to dabble with 2 grams once a month and have to distract or entertain myself for the majority of the experience... and then to “have to” use marijuana to kick it into interesting territory. I don’t know what I was so afraid of. As some kind of self-proclaimed shaman type I really didn’t have much of any spiritual, transcendent or bizarre otherworldly exploration- marijuana is more likely to produce that kind of self indulgent psychedelia for me- I stayed mostly embodied on the planet while my mind turned inside out. This experience wasn’t exactly recreational. 

It’s really hard to explain how it felt to be exposed to your own mental circuitry in such a way. I wondered how anyone could tolerate me with all this contradictory maladaptive wiring. Having foolish pride challenged was exactly what I needed, and I plan to go forward with these things in mind. And now I have to decide if I am on the right path, or what that looks like.

Cheers

[themagicruby]

i'm tripping for the first time in a while on a p low dose of an rc and im like out of the peak where i was just playing dragon age inquisition and i cannot decide if i should smoke marijuana or not like logically i know it is very synergistic and will make me peak again but also..... will it make me more sleepy or not probably not but also maybe it will. i also think that i could probably take half a klonopin to dampen the effects if i needed cause the rc im on is often compared to shrooms in effect and structure (ofc i know it's its own thing) but ppl say that benzos decrease the effects of psilocybin so it might also do that for this but who's to say - not a lot of info and i didn't have the patience to scroll thru this one guys trip report where he took a benzo at one point to see what the effects were. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i mean i took a very low dose of this rc which i've taken multiple times before and it will end so ultimately whatever i do doesn't matter usually when i trip i smoke a lot of weed throughout but that also was when i was smoking a lot of weed in general and now my tolerance is wayyyyy lower. but i did roll a joint with a more cbd heavy strain earlier so it won't b like getting hit by a semi if i smoke it

lmao tumblr mobile formatting is terrible i press enter and this paragraph is down here, maybe ittl look different if i post this which i think i will and probably no one will read which is fine but if you are reading this; Hi!

also i know how very much this reads like someone who is on a psychedelic lol i might delete this in the morning but maybe i'll keep it for posterities sake or whatever, and also if i smoke (which i almost certainly will go do after i post this) i'll probably reblog this with what happened. this is what blogs were made for folks! lol ok bye

while writing the tags i realize i have no idea what the rc community on tumblr is like maybe there are ppl who follow tags idk anyway bye for real until i reblog this

EDIT: uugh ok i can feel myself coming down do i just wait it out or do i smoke i kinda wanna smoke.... i really wanna smoke lol but i also dont wanna b up all night cause my gf's asleep and i can't like watch stuff on my tv and i dont really wanna sit at my computer cause my neck is stiff from playing dragon age lol. i know im probably gonna smoke lol but ok if this ends up fuckinf me over and making me stay up all night at least i'll have this post as reference for next time

[chemicalcollective-blog1]

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[chemicalcollective-blog1]

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[astral-night-sky]

It felt like Oceans

Durring my bad trip, I did have a moment of bliss. I remember reading up that on high dosages your body feels more connected to water than ever. That became super clear now on how thirsty I was and the leg cramps I felt when I felt like my legs were just like oceans. 3 hours of cold tight fear thinking I was dying and a weird emotional sorrow, only to feel true confort when I got in the shower. Like a spiritual safe place, my body felt like it was at its true home & bliss took on a new meaning as adoration became something whole as both mind and physical. I flushed everything down the toilet before reaching that state but I'd sure as hell do it again sometime down the line at a safer dosage than my reckless self.

[mbvvacationbibleschool]

On a Friday (4-HO-MET)

Document 1: The shroomening

Leonardo here. This report is probably not particularly interesting, as it was moderate in intensity and somewhat light in psychedelia, it was however very personal, cathartic, and healing. I feel like I am excited to be alive, and overall happy.

4:00 on a Friday with my trip mate Raphael. I had Weighed out 24 and 26 mg respectively, I chose the smaller pile. It had been incredibly frustrating to weigh. I also licked up a speck of powder on the counter. Raphael took the 26 mg. Hopefully our doses were equipotent.

I tried to lay down after washing down the very bitter powder with water. The powder tasted familiar somehow, but it didn’t taste like it had anything special about it. Our friend Donatello arrived, he was staying sober and was around for the come up.

In about 10 minutes, it started. My head was full of some flowing warm pressure sensation and my mind gradually descended into chaos, culminating as an assault on my senses. The incense was too strong. The song playing by Sophie oozed and squirted in an unbearably abrasive manner. I started obsessively pacing in a small circle- around the island kitchen counter, past Raphael, along the edge of the living room and back into the other side of the kitchen. Something about this period had an orangeness. We both felt the come up had an incredible sense of urgency. I had a lot of restless energy, so I had to pace, but I was afraid I would get stuck in a loop if I kept pacing the same way. I made occasional ventures into other sections of the tiny apartment. When the Sophie song finally ended, I relaxed slightly.

Donatello was playing an online video game and I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me or to the other players. I could not relate to him very easily in this state, only Raphael made sense as he had also dosed. Raphael reported having visuals already. The curtains seemed to look very interesting to me, and as I approached the window, the slightest coolness leaking in from outside was incredibly refreshing. I cracked the sliding door open and bathed in the sensation of cold air on my skin.

Donatello left the building. I wasn’t too worried, because I had mostly been talking with Raphael. The first visual effects took place as a pattern on the counter. We both saw very slowly moving crystals- like a cross section of a hexaradially symmetric geode, teal and white snowflakes. The tiles looked to be like bubbles under thick ice, or milky textures under glass, slowly moving. These same patterns appeared on my last trip on 4-HO-MET! The brown paint showed ornate 3-dimensional texture of triangles, reminiscent of ancient cultural patterns.

The body felt very weird. Every moment had a specific strong feeling that just seemed to be a weird interperatation of how skin normally feels. I felt this oozing through time feeling, and realized that at any given intensity of a sensation, (my body high felt like it had a specific and large size), there were still infinite different feelings out there. I visualized a weird orange landscape of my particular sensations. Stopping for a moment gave me this feeling that the drug would weave me into some sort of mystery. My peak was like being sewn with soft yarn into abstract fancies of incomprehensible content. 

After the peak, I had very little for visuals, but I remember Raphael kept looking like different people every few seconds, the lighting was stark, etc. 

This album cover seemed to me like the rappers contained in the photo were intentionally  tinted the same shade of green, slightly geometric comma shaped blobs, and in the same plane as each other. The narrative of the song “Don’t give me no bammer weed” game me a good chuckle. 

 Time got all messed up, and I have no idea what happened when. I talked about my existential fears- my lost youth, being placed in a body against my will, the inevitable passage of time. I felt any time I made a definitive statement, it was odd that time kept going, and my revelation would be buried as if it had never occurred. It’s too bad that time erodes memories of important events, reduces their impact, etc.

I sat in the bathroom with Raphael to see if anything interesting would occur. The closed eye visuals were not strong anymore, some cultural patterns of blue appeared, and they moved slowly. I remember they resembled the cannabis phosphenes, in the dark patterns seemed to be between the eyes and the object just as they are with cannabis. It looked like a closed cupboard door in the dark was slowly giving way, stretching into a deep dark opening, and it felt like it contained a mystery. Perhaps at a higher dose, or during peak, it would have. Somehow the topic of predation came up. Pepper moths, hiding on a tree trunk in the rain, hoping no one finds them. And the bird, waking up on a chilly morning, desperate for a meal.

I wondered if the tree trunk provides the comfort and warmth to a moth that this couch, blankets and pillow provide me.

I said how safe we are in this building- nothing can get us. No predator, no matter how canny, can penetrate this fortress. Raphael wondered if that’s how other animals (I thought of termites or mice) must feel in their homes- what can get us? Suddenly, I imagined an ant lion 10 stories tall, crushing buildings with its great claws. Its prehensile tongue whipping down the halls and snatching people up. With an imaginary megaphone I shouted “What the fuuuck is that!?” Absolutely absurd! Size is relative. I’m sure if insects had the capacity, they would think of anteaters as absurd myths until they appeared.

Several times in the trip, it felt as though new chapters had started, as if there was a sudden break in continuity or vibe. I felt a cosmic and infinite connection to Raphael, we could be the only people on earth, and it would have been fine. The apartment could have been the only place in the universe- after all, there was infinite potential, and everything was so interesting.

People are too critical of human beings- human beings are amazing- we are the creators of content, we are the only ones who can appreciate the world to its fullest. Without humans, who could observe the universe and record its many wonders? We are too quick to criticize ideas and art- many forms of expression are valid and beautiful. At this point, the trip had waned considerably and the comedown seems to lend itself to long and deep conversation.

I wondered about money, and if my parents were as happy as I was. I couldn’t believe that most of society would scorn psychedelic use or say it is a waste of time or of life. These experiences are unbelievably rich, and healing, and bonding.

We shared a cigarette, the tobacco buzz made me need to sit down. I almost tripped on a mic stand coming inside and instantly I was full of adrenaline. I used that energy to frantically dance. We accidentally locked the cat outside for about 15 minutes!!!

We stayed entertained long enough that I felt no need to smoke any weed, which is a good thing. I don’t need it to have fun. When Donatello came back just before 10, I took a moderate bowl of marijuana, just because I could. It seemed to bring some effects back- mostly the sense of urgency, the oozing through time, and the anxiety. We talked about music for a while, and it did seem a bit pretentious, but I really love talking about music! I headed home by 10:00 and enjoyed being with my fiancé. I told her that the visuals aren’t the point, it is about feeling and thinking. It is about connecting to other people.

We started playing a singing game-just harmonizing and composing in real time, pretending to be performers. This made me laugh very hard, because nothing about the game had been spoken, we just knew we were playing it. You had to be there.

By 11 pm, I was still having strange hallucinations. Feeling like parts of her body weren’t connected in meaning or physically to other parts, that I wasn’t necessarily touching a person’s body.

Some mental stimulation lasted until midnight. The visual aspects of this trip were mild, but it was quite powerful headspace wise- although I never had any ego loss or much difficulty communicating. I would consider taking a higher dose of around 30 mg again, or consider a dose like this in another setting. The peak was over in 2 hours. Overall, it was a very meaningful experience, and I feel refreshed.

[mbvvacationbibleschool]

Ego softening

Fun toy for simulating visuals;

I found that 23ish mg of 4-HO-MET that I took last time could be pushed a little further. Another Saturday with the same 3 friends we embarked on a 30 mg dose each. Originally we planned to go to a large city park but we decided to stay in because the park is far and it was raining off and on all day. So I'm in an apartment and feeling antsy after weighing the dose. They ranged from 28-31 mg, triple checked. Hella-Jeff told us he wanted to trip sit and not partake. That's fine with me. We lined up the pills and looked at em. Shuffled them around a bit. Hmmm, I'm not so sure if I'm ready, but then again, am I ever? Suddenly Jeff grabs the first pill and pops it open, pouring powder into his mouth. Now we all had to take it. The time was about 2:30.

I called my girlfriend because I was feeling a little anxious after dropping. I was hoping she could calm me down. I talked about the synthetic vs natural tryptamines and whatnot. She was at work. I started to feel the come up. My first alerts were a vague sense of change in my environment and the strange psychedelic body high. I describe this feeling as being lightly massaged or just a hair away from being 100% comfortable, awareness of your skin. Stuff like that. I noticed some symmetry appearing in the carpet. Hella-Jeff was lying on a couch saying he already was getting visuals. I remember looking at the ceiling and seeing doiley-esque patterns appearing in the stucco. It changed every second in swirling patterns, almost like rain. Hella Jeff's long hair looked like ornate coils of solid gold metal, in two dimensions. Hard to describe. Hella Jeff decided to leave. Apparently he went a good distance around town on foot, he was gone for what seemed like quite a while. 

I backed into a chair in the kitchen area and thought it was a person touching me. I remember talking to Sweet-Bro from across the counter. Her sky blue sweater looked unbelievably soft. I could see incredible detail in her hair. The world took on a very rich warm color scheme. Then we noticed the counter. The cream and aqua color started forming a look of polished stone in patterns. A similar pattern continued seamlessly onto the metal of the sink basin, made out of reflected light.  The floor to me looked like a glass panel above a huge vat of milky fluid. I ended up sitting on the floor after bending down to have a look at it's deep milky vibes. We talked about all sorts of things. I felt like there could be another room around the left side of the counter, but alas- there's just a wall there. I was lying on the floor, as I always end up doing.  I felt like I was being pushed into some fractal corner of possible experiences. 

Suddenly I became aware of my mouth while I was lying prone on the floor. It was so full of fluids I thought I was going to be nauseous, so sticky. My existence became stickiness and my whole head felt full. After I spat I felt a little better.

 At some point, Hella Jeff had returned to tell us he wanted to spend his trip alone.  It felt like he was going away for a very long time. We hugged, it was dramatic. "Bye dude! See you sometime." I forgot about him right after. 

3:45 pm. Bob's Burgers was on. We chuckled a little bit at the gags but turned it off quickly. I was saying something about how children are so unaware, like cats that can talk. It's crazy that they are all boarded up in a classroom every weekday, so many young minds! We tried to put on some music and relax. Sweet Bro put on MGMT. I was texting my girlfriend and became confused. She sounded as high as I was. I had to double check who I was talking to. Was she tripping with us? I couldn't figure out what was going on. I was tripping really hard at this point. I remember seeing some fractal visuals and sitting on the couch, ending up on the floor again to find myself doing aerobic type dance moves to "She works out too much" by MGMT. "Ready to have some fun!" I decided I let "feeling foolish" get in the way of genuinely fun activities such as exercising in the living room. I was peaking. I told Bro it felt like my brain was on display, because I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself. We got a phone call from Hella-Jeff. Apparently he was in Co-op. It blew my mind that he was out and about- I was absolutely too smacked to be in public. We decided we should go get him because if he was tripping anywhere near as hard as we were, he shouldn't be alone. It was a rescue mission.  Over and over I was trying to get my things together but I kept getting sidetracked and confused. It felt like there was a conspiracy trying to stop us from leaving. When I noticed the counter from the angle I entered the kitchen earlier in the trip, I was concerned I would end up doing a long loop. I really really didn't want to go outside but I felt I had to. After I finally got my shoes on we met Hella-Jeff in the lobby. I realized I didn't have water, which made me anxious, but I at least had a wallet? I followed Hella-Jeff around the block. First I felt connected to the Beatles because we were tripping outside. Then I started becoming gradually more confused. It was around 4:00. We ended up back in the apartment and I couldn't follow anything that was going on anymore. I forgot who I was and how I got here. I only knew I could trust my friends. I texted my girlfriend (I didn’t really know who she was but I knew I could trust her somehow)  saying "I'm so confused?" "I'm confused because I'm tripping?" I kept asking my friends what was going on.

I called my girlfriend. Somehow I knew I could trust her. I told her I was confused, I forgot who I am, I told her I figured it out- that things are weird because I might have taken a psychedelic drug. I couldn't remember why I would do something like that. She asked me what I remembered. I remembered we lived together and had an ant problem. I could tell she was becoming concerned and things weren't becoming any more clear so I said I was fine and hung up.

After I hung up and became confused again. I once again remembered that things were weird because I had taken a psychedelic drug. I couldn't believe it. WHY would I take this? Am I the kind of person who would take a psychedelic drug? I think I've done this drug before? This drug is certainly not fun. I think it might wear off soon. It's supposed to last "6 hours?" Why did I take this? What kind of person was I? WHY would I ever want my girlfriend to try this. How do I know so much about this drug? I barely know anything about myself. I felt an uncomfortable body high that gradually waned. I don't remember any visuals after I got back inside, things seemed dark, and like my field of vision was surrounded by a blobby border of blackness. Hella Jeff had been having a difficult trip since we came inside. He felt very uncomfortable in his own skin.

Every so often after that I kept remembering that I had taken a psychedelic drug, that it would end, and pieced together my life. I'm not totally sure if this was a full ego death or just skipping around the edge of it. I didn't find the experience of "ego death" or ego softening to be very spiritual or inspiring. It was just confusing. I somehow knew I was a person and I knew my girlfriend was someone I knew but I forgot what kind of person I was. This made me question my drug use- especially psychedelics. They aren't toys, they aren't always fun. 4-Ho-MET is underestimated by the research chemical community- mostly by parroting misinformation. It is a powerful substance. I found the headspace to be fairly strong even before the real confusion set in. 30 mg is a strong dose. Despite this, I might try a dose in the high 20s again sometime. Maybe shooting past ego death territory makes it more comfortable, rather than skirting it for so long, but I might be wrong.

I’m not saying it’s a scary chem, but you really have to treat it like a real psychedelic, set and setting. Good times are not guaranteed for all. I wonder what would have happened if I had taken this dose at the wilderness park. I’d consider a lower dose for such an expedition.

5:00. After about an hour my confusion died down and the trip was more or less over by 6:00. I ate some delicious fries and headed home. I had some lingering effects for the evening but nothing to write home about, I honestly can’t remember what happened after I left the apartment.