#4.30.18

[love-always-100]

This makes me very happy.

[missinvisibleandco]

"Albany Bulb: Set 3"

DISCLAIMER: I MAY have taken too many photos today at Albany Bulb so a few posts will be full of photos from there. Albany Bulb is a place full of history where beautiful nature and old landfill ruins meet graffiti art and stunning city skyline views-I mean, does it get better than that? I think not.😊 (no edits. 4.30.18)

[edo-vivendum]

A Ramble About Swimming, what it meant to me as a kid, what my ED stole from me, and what it means to me now.

This shouldn’t be triggering, but its a bit long, so I put it under a read more.

When I was 13 years old, nearly everything about my life felt miserable. I was bullied at school. I had no real friends. And I saw myself as a problem to fix. There was a lot that wasn’t right, but there was one thing that was right. Swim team.

A month after my 13th birthday I joined a year-round, “club”, swim team. I was new, and I wasn’t the best (or even top 30%) as most kids had joined around age 7-10, but I loved it. For some reason, not being that good didn’t matter to me. At swim team, I had friends.

I think it was the first time in my life when I truly felt comfortable in my own skin. At swim practice, I didn’t have to worry about being “weird” or “awkward.” Hell, I was super weird. But I was me. I got in “trouble” a lot for talking too much, but I never really minded. I had friends. Gabe, Lauren, Gemma, Danielle, Lydia, Lisa, Aaron, Melissa. ... Everyone was my friend. I was sociable, and I was liked. And not being teased and isolated... it felt so good. I enjoyed the sport too, but I think the best part was probably having friends.

I looked forward to swim practices SO much. It was the highlight of every weekday. 

There was a time once when I was 13 or 14 when my dad came to me in my room and me down and told me he had to tell me something that I wasn’t going to like. He told me that we weren’t making as much money that period (he was paid on commission at the time), and they couldn’t afford to keep paying for swim team. I was devastated. I think I immediately started sobbing. In the end, I’m not sure what happened--maybe my parents realized how much it meant to me and decided to make a different sacrifice, maybe money figured itself out--but I didn’t end up having to stop swim team. But I remember in that moment, I felt like my life was ending--and perhaps it really would’ve. I was a psychological mess in middle school, and I spent way too much time contemplating death. Swimming was my retreat from that, and I’m grateful my parents figured out a way to let me keep swimming.

In high school, my eating disorder blended the joy of swimming with compulsion to burn calories, and eventually I couldn’t separate the two. In tenth grade, I had to stop swimming club. I still (sorta) did high school swimming junior year, but senior year my eating disorder stole that from me. I was going to be team captain, and I’m still so sad that I couldn’t be. If my eating disorder had never been a thing, I would’ve been good enough to swim in college (not at a top swim school but at an OK one... I know people who were just a tad slower than me who got some swim scholarship money!). It’s sad to me, but there’s nothing that can be done to take back lost time.

What I can do is continue to focus on recovery. There are master teams, and when I am in a healthy place (and have enough income to pay for it), I will join a masters team. I swam for a master’s team for a few months in fall 2016, but then I got a really bad cold for like 2 months so I had to stop and then I couldn’t really afford it. And now my nutritionist doesn’t want me to swim. 

At least I get to coach summer swim team (for the 5th year)! I’m excited to work in the sport, even if I can’t participate. 

[missinvisibleandco]

"Albany Bulb: Set 1"

DISCLAIMER: I MAY have taken too many photos today at Albany Bulb so a few posts will be full of photos from there. Albany Bulb is a place full of history where beautiful nature and old landfill ruins meet graffiti art and stunning city skyline views-I mean, does it get better than that? I think not.😊 (no edits. 4.30.18)

[edo-vivendum]

4.30.18

I finished my last exam around 12:30 today. I think it went well! Afterwards S and I headed back to my house. We had bagels and greek yogurt for lunch, and then we played Mortal Kombat for a bit. Then we headed up to my room and took a nap, etc. When we woke up, he made us both grilled cheese sandwiches, and I made coffee. He left a bit ago, and I’ve got a bit of a caffeine buzz (yay), so I’m about to work on my bullet journal and maybe organize some of my semester papers, as right now they’re just in a big pile on my extra desk chair xD. I’ve got the rest of the week off until “maymester” starts, and S wants to teach me how to drive (ughh anxiety). We’ll see lol.

I feel good right now (: 

Hopefully the post-exams buzz doesn’t turn into a post-exam slump :P