There is an age range that every person has that is acceptable for them to date in. It’s an unspoken rule, but everyone sort of knows the boundaries. When you’re in elementary school, you’re a baby to the middle schoolers. When you’re in middle school you’re a child to the high schoolers. And when you’re in high school you’re jail bait to the adults… unless you’re R Kelly. And in that case, he’s asking you to stop by after trigonometry with the young girl you baby sit on the weekdays. He has an extra happy meal for you both, orange Hi-C, light ice, to not water it down, just the way you like it… Oh, too soon??? Stop it, he pissed on someone like twelve years ago. A 12-year-old. It’s time to stop stepping in the name of love guys. Pick another family reunion song already. Anyhow, when you’re a man I understand the dating range is scrutinized. You never want to be the dirty old man hitting on young girls at the bar. But surprisingly they do exist mainly because most dirty old men are highly unaware. You’d think when they are getting dressed in their matching Nike track suit or age inappropriate cut out jeans with the coordinating football jersey, some bell would ring. – Hey, you’re old dude. No one under the age 35 dresses like that. But no, these guys confidently make their way to every 20/30-something bar, club, party (who is inviting them btw) so they can find some unsuspected soul, usually a young lady who has managed to wander away from her friends to go to her bathroom, or because she spoke to someone she knew a fraction of a second too long and now she’s isolated, fair game to be harassed for the remainder of the night.
Future Boyfriend, good for you I’m not a dirty old man, but what if I’m a dirty old woman, Eartha Kitt style in Boomerang – Maaaarcus darling…. Okay, that’s extreme, but I am a lady who has no idea what my dating range is. Somewhere along the line while celebrating my 26thbirthday – repeatedly, I got older. Not quite sure when, but apparently, I aged… no I matured. Aging means I look old, unless I’m wine, but I’m not and I don’t, so consider yourself lucky. But I am more mature. Things I once thought was tolerable, I have zero patience for. Like living for today. You’re not Drake, #YOLO is over, so what’s your game plan. I’m not interested in living check to check in a one-bedroom apartment with your Jordan collection🙄. Grow up. Also, get a grip of your emotions. You like me or you don’t. I’m not interested in little mind games. Three days with zero communication, and it’s like baseball – You’re Out! Between the two above infractions and a few others: 1 – You still call your mom, “mommy”. 2 – You think Taco Bell is an acceptable first date. 3 – You’re on a shared Netflix account with 10 other people, so we’re never able to watch a movie. And 4 – You think a $10 glass of wine is steep. Generation Z isn’t for me. These guys are still trying to find themselves. And even if they are cute, fun and filled with the promise of amazing sex, I have to say “no”. We’re not on the same page and you’ll probably mess up my credit anyhow. So Future Boyfriend, maybe you’re an older man. They do say women mature faster than men so perhaps I need to stop looking and the youngins and start talking to their pops. In theory it sounds great. Older guys are established in their career so that’s one step closer to retirement, pension and social security. Oh and a golf cart. I always wanted one of those things to ride around my suburban community doing a royalty wave. I don’t know if I pictured you alongside me, but I guess I could use a driver. Score! Also, most older guys are one or two times divorced. That’s perfect, he ironed out all of the kinks on his practice wives. But the down side is when we go out, people will ask me, “How long is your father in town visiting.” – Tragic! Not to mention, every time you nod off during a conversation I’m going to think you’ve died. And that kind of inconsistency just isn’t fair…. For my golf cart dream. So Future Boyfriend I believe you’re sitting right in the sweet spot: Somewhere between 35 and 45… no a 45-year-old goes to bed at 8:30 - pass. Okay, maybe it’s between 25 and 35… no a 25-year-old is too close to my nephew’s age. I can’t date his friends, they’re going to call me Auntie Cougar. What about between 30 and 40… hold up, a 30-year-old is practically a 20-year-old. I’m going to have to help him build a vision board to figure out his dreams. Too much! Looks like we have a dilemma Future Boyfriend. I don’t know my dating range, but I do know for you to hang with me you need the energy of a 20-year-old without the stupidity, the forward thinking of a 30-year-old without the baggage, and the practicality of a 40-year-old without the narcolepsy. So, how about you just dress age appropriately and we’ll figure out the rest. Because the best thing about me is I’m ageless… so I blend in with everyone.
