#4300s

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4319

another long day today.

joel to work. pick up things from mama. visit papa. work on things for naz. go to work. help friend. wait for second student. get joel. bring joel home. visit papa again. work on other things. change phone for papa. have headache. get gas. get dinner. home.

i'm exhausted. not eating food all day isn't great.

brain cells dead. joel goes "it's sleepy time" when it's time to sleep. i love him. he is very cute.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4318

(wednesday, june 3rd, 2026.)

i am exhausted. rightfully so.

i:

bright joel to work

mailed a package back

stopped at barnes and nice

went to spend time with my dad

picked up naz and brought her to her appointment

bright naz home

went to physical therapy

picked joel up from work

stopped at home quickly then brought joel to the game store

went to craft night (it was wonderful. i missed my friends. 🩷)

picked joel up

went to applebapples with dao and joth and talked until 1:15

finally got home around 1:30

am finally in bed

it's been a long day and i used half a tank of gas. time to do something similar tomorrow.

at least i got those minutes done. i'll send them tomorrow.

and joel is already asleep behind me. i love him so much. he encouraged me to write before falling asleep instead of just passing out. so i post.

i'll tell you a little more tomorrow, i guess.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4317

today i didn't get to go see my dad. i got up and went to the school for the first ipse meeting, stopping at dunks to get something to eat. it was about 40 minutes and i took ten pages of notes. after the meeting, i spent more time with melissa talking about additional ideas and important details that we needed to include.

then kendall came to the school and she and i went and got dairy queen for lunch and just sat and talked for a little while. it was nice.

after lunch, i started typing up the notes i took, and i met with a student at 3 to do business math, and then i went back and sat to wait for melissa because when im there and naz is not it is my responsibility to get melissa to leave at a decent time.

i failed.

another friend of melissa's stopped by and the three of us talked for a while longer, and we didn't leave until about 6:50. i needed to go to grab some things from walmart and i ended up getting more things than i anticipated, but it was needed.

i also ended up being very hungry and i stopped at mcnaldos and waited until i got some answers from joel and john and i ordered food for us.

i ate and then i opened my computer and finished typing the notes and started working on the minutes format i wanted to use and then i was tired of it so now im in bed and about to go the fuck to sleep.

i'm gonna go see dad tomorrow, though.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4316

(monday, june 1st, 2026.)

tw: hospital stuff

tl;dr: dad's okay. :) i visited him all day yesterday and earlier today. i worry.

dad's surgery went well! after surgery he went to the ICU, and then the step-down unit, where mom and i visited him together on saturday briefly.

i nearly cried as we were about to leave because i saw my dad as he was - an ever-increasingly fragile older man with health problems. just a man. it nearly broke me.

i spent my day yesterday with him at the hospital. mom couldn't make it up because she doesn't do well with hospitals, and we'd planned on going to the movies later but neither she nor chels were feeling well so i cancelled the tickets and stayed with dad.

while i was sitting and talking with him, he was telling me all sorts of stuff about his life. he shared music with me that had been influential in his life, and some songs that moved him to tears because of the sentiment behind them.

and i realized that this was a very rare occasion where dad was talking about himself and about something he doesn't normally share - and that i don't have a recording of his voice anywhere -, so i grabbed my phone and started recording. my dad is a very private person, and he doesn't share things about his life. he rarely tells stories about things that happened, and when he does, mom frequently rushes him through it, and dad is frustrated that he isn't able to share the whole story, i think making him feel the need to share it again and again. but i was able to sit and record some of it, and i ended up with about two hours of my dad talking and answering some of my questions. he shared work experiences and stories about his music and stuff, and it was generally a really great day. i love listening to the things he has to say. mom is impatient; she feels she has things to do all the time and listening to someone else talk is not something she wants to do especially if she's heard it before. so she doesn't listen to him.

but i do. i love to listen to people talk about things they love.

maybe i should be an investigative journalist. or a memoir ghostwriter. a biographer.

that would be cool.

anyway.

so that was good. i was there from 10:15am until about 7:15pm. i met the nurses and learned more about what happened during his surgery and stuff, and i gave him hand sanitizer after every time he had to pee because that was yucky.

joel and i went to longhorn for dinner, too, which was very much delicious.

today, monday, mom and i met and went to see dad. i got to the hospital just before she did, and i went to park myself because i don't like using the valet if i don't personally have cash, but i passed a car that was about to back out, so i turned around, and by the time i got back to it, another car decided it was theirs and took it despite my presence. great. i spent more than ten minutes looking for parking. there was none on the side of the hospital i was on. if i'd gone around the other side and walked around, it might've taken the same amount of time and saved frustration and anger. but it's fine. i stalked into the building, grumpy and frustrated, very slowly losing the steam from my ears.

mom and i went to the dunks before heading up, and getting a donut was a good way to calm me down. i love me a good donut.

we went up to see papa. he was fully dressed today! yesterday he was wearing a green johnny.

but mom and i sat down, and we talked to him. mom updated him briefly on the homestead. and she sat and complained. the nurse today was brusque and got along with mom. didn't indulge my dad in conversation like yesterday's nurses did. they were so sweet. conversational. caring. attentive. today's was all business. i was sad about that for him.

but once the nurse came in and said she needed to change his dressing, mom had had it - she got up and was almost sick and the nurse was so apologetic and took care of her first, making sure she was not going to pass out or be sick on the floor. while they were occupied, dad turned to me and told me he was surprised that mom had come at all with how she is with hospitals. the nurse came back in to change the dressing. dad sat at the end of the bed and the nurse told him to stop talking so she could change the bandage. so i sat forward on my chair across from him, sat up straight like he was asked to, and i reached out to hold onto his fingers, just rubbing my thumb across the backs of them to distract him.

the nurse finished quickly, mom coming back in a few minutes later. maybe ten minutes later we ended up leaving because she'd had enough. i was not surprised she didn't last long. i'm glad i didn't get her squeamishness like i did her general dislike of people, although that's annoying too. oh well.

the two of us went to tucker's for breakfast, where i couldn't decide what to eat. she told me to close my eyes and point when she said to, and she moved the menu around a bunch, and my finger landed on a combo that was actually a great choice. so i got that. it was very good. but i ended up spilling a bean on my shirt. :(

during our meal, i texted kendall to check up on her. i had in my calendar to ask her about paying me back from dinner a couple weeks ago, but it's tactless to just go "gimme money" without even saying "hi how are you." she replied. we had a brief back she forth before i got my food. after, before i left, she invited me and our friend chelsie to get dinner together, and so we made plans for that.

after mom left but before i got to my car, though, an older lady got out of her car and saw me and my "live laugh lurk" mothman shirt. she said she liked my shirt. that it was cute. that will live with me now.

after lunch, i headed back to joel's, remembering last-second to get a few things, so i cut across a few empty lanes to get to target. in the dollar section i found some canvas under-bed storage things with plastic covers, so i grabbed three. i found what i needed, and then i went in search of a gift for chelsie. she's been going through a really hard time and a ton of bullshit lately, so i wanted to get her something to lift her spirits a little bit. i found a notebook with plants on the cover, a set of good pens, and a set of three potted plant magnets. a bag and some tissue paper, too, and a card telling her she can do this. and then i went in search of a few other things, since i got the under-bed storage, because i keep meaning to grab things to make things neater in the apartment, so i grabbed a rack for over the bathroom door and a hand towel.

i came home and did the other thing on my list of things to do today: clean up my massive corner of bullshit/laundry. mostly laundry. i'd started this morning by throwing my dirty clothes into the washer, so that was out of the way by the time i got to organizing. i took everything out - all of the bags, emptied, all of the stacks of nonsense, unpiled -, shook it out, folded it again, and sorted it into piles of items. i put my winter clothes away. i found winter accessories and put them away. my boots. all of the extra bags. stuffed animals that were in the way. craft supplies. it's all away, folded neatly, in containers under the bed. i found some stuffed animals that were icky from mouse yuck that i put into the washer to clean.

but i took the rest of it, sorted out what i wanted to donate, and put the remainder back into bags and plopped them against the wall to be used later.

i took the snacks out and put them away. i swept. took out my trash. collected other trash.

i was sweaty and gross but very satisfied with my work. i put on more deodorant and a new shirt so i wouldn't be smelly to see my friends. kendall got here around 6:20 and we got to chelsie's around 6:50. i gave her the gift i got her and she showed us her apartment. it's very cute and very her. i love it.

then the three of us went and got chinese and japanese food from a place nearby. it was very good, and we got to chat and catch up and sit and talk and it was really wonderful to just be goofy and chatty with them. i love them both so much.

when we were done, we found a friendly's and we got ice cream. we sat and talked a little longer, and when chelsie started yawning, we headed back, dropping off chels before kendall and i came back to joel's since kenny had left her car here (not a lot of parking space at chelsie's).

and now i'm home, in bed, exhausted, needing sleep but not wanting to put off writing another day.

but overall, because dad is doing so well, they won't be sending him to a rehab facility and instead will come home 24 hours after the drains come out. he really just wants to come home.

also jared ordered him indian food for dinner and had it delivered to him. he was very excited about it. he called me when kenny and i were leaving to ask if i wanted to come up and take the rest as leftovers since the nurses didn't really want it. i told him to share it with the night crew. but i was happy he called.

i hope i can see him tomorrow. i worry.

joel is demanding i sleep now. goodnight.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4313

today my papa went in for surgery. major neurospine surgery. didn't know that until i got a text from mom about it.

went to bring joel to work and went to see my doctor for a med check. told him about my updates - the pain and spine, the fibromyalgia diagnosis, the manual depression fighting - and i got a sign off on my adderall as well as an update for my bupropion.

talked to mom again on the phone while waiting for my updated meds to be filled, then went and picked them up before stopping aromatic joseph's and going to physical therapy, where we worked on my mid-lower back and hip. it's miserable. since my pain and spine appointment on wednesday, i've felt like a twisted shirttail hem and a stuck telescoping radio antenna in how badly i need my back to pop. it's like scrunched in the wrong way and it sends shooting pains to different places and i'm very uncomfortable most of the time. it sucks.

after PT i talked to kristen briefly, just to check in. i called the hospital to check on dad, and i called mom right after to get answers because they wouldn't talk to me. so dad at that point was still out and would be staying in the ICU until he got the OK from the doctors to lie on his back and then would be moved from there, i guess. not really sure on it.

i talked to her for a while and then went to pick up joel from work because i'd spent my whole day out and about to where i didn't do anything but talk on the phone and go to two doctors appointments.

i picked up joel and we made it home, i changed into something warmer and played my game a little bit. around 5:30 we headed out to go see our friends stopping on the way for food. and instead of gaming like we'd intended, the five of us really just hung out. it was nice. very chill. joth cooked. we talked and worked on little things as we chatted as dao worked on some commission pieces that they need to finish. i got to assist in flipping a particularly stubborn tail inside out to be repaired and refurbished (pun unintended but very appreciated). eventually it was almost 11 and dean had to go, but the four of us left went to get chocolate cake and cannolis. we sat in the car for a while and talked and i was happy to do so just to catch up and spend time with them. i've missed them.

and then we came home and it's now two hours later and i'm still awake and i need to be at the hospital by 10am and i am grumbling at myself but hopefully i will be able to sleep enough that i am not still grumbling in the morning.

joel is already very much asleep. i love this man so much. i worry about him a lot but he has reasons for the things he does. and i think the meme of "we listen and we don't judge" is so funny because i do listen and i do judge because yes i love you, but sometimes the people i love do stupid shit. and i'm here for it.

i love you joel. 🩷

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4312

today was joel's birthday!

we slept in today. i took my meds late. my physical therapists office called to reschedule my appointment

so eventually i got up and showered, and i got dressed in the coordinating outfit naz and i had planned yesterday while we were at walmart. striped dress, leggings, black sneakers. she added a black cardigan and i added a pink bow to my hair because today was also kristen's baby sprinkle at work. not quite a shower. a sprinkle.

on my way to the school, i stopped at target to pick up a gift for kris, in such i was greatly successful.

i made it to the school and i went to "distract" kristen but i wanted to check on her anyway. she's been having tummy problems lately because of the baby and she's been tired and unable to sleep a lot. plus naz said she needed kristen distracted to bring in the cupcake cake she made. but mostly i did want to check in. i'm concerned. she's so close to her due date and she's been having a lot of issues lately between hormonal fluctuations and money shit with being out of work for a while, so. i wanted to ask.

but eventually she said that she new something was going on today, because she's very observant and very smart and nothing gets past her.

naz made a cupcake cake in the shape of a baby bottle which was super cute but for some reason it tasted funny? it could've been the cake but it also tasted funny in the frosting. so it might've been something in the air in the kitchen that affected it while it sat, but i don't have any guarantee it anything.

but it was good - she opened no fewer than six things that said "little sister" on them. kristen cried at the set of flower onesies i got for the baby. also i got this white eyelet onesie with a button butt that was so cute and i had to get it for her. and the card i picked out coordinated with the bag with a mobile on it of the moon and stars (where the bag was the planets) that had little gem stars on it and said "little toes little feet little sleep" and i laughed because i been knew she's not gonna be sleeping well for a while.

regardless, it was very cute. we finished up around 2. i went with naz and melissa to melissa's office and the three of us sat and talked about the upcoming programming we'll be working on, so i have some answers to work with, for which i am grateful. i have some direction now.

at some point chelsea texted me - she said it's been four days and she's still in love with the mac n cheese i made. i am truly honored she likes it so much. i will absolutely make it again for her.

after all was said and done, i took naz and we went grocery shopping again a little bit. we stopped at hannaford and got stuff we couldn't grab yesterday at walmart, and i picked up some stuff too.

then we stopped at the macaroni and cheese place to grab dinner for joel and his game, and as i handed the boxes to naz in the car, i heard my name being called - it was my coworker federico! he was getting into his car but he saw me and called out to me, and he came over to say hi. he is very brave. he asked me what i got and judged me for what i got and said original and white cheddar were boring lmao. he's funny. this is the kid who i awkwardly gave a hug at graduation and haven't been able to stop thinking about because it was THAT awkward. but i'm glad it's been completely forgotten by him and it was nice to see him. it's weird when people exist outside of the school.

so i brought naz home, texting joel to preheat the oveb for the macaroni. when we arrived, naz and adam took the groceries upstairs. adam said to me, "you are as kind as you are tall," to which i said, "slightly more than average?" and he goes, "more than me." we laughed. and then i headed back to joel's to make sure the house didn't burn down and that the mac n cheese got cooked.

once it was done i brought it out to the troops. as i walked out, i reflected briefly on the macaroni and cheese in my hands and the fact that it's joel's birthday. and then, the thought came to me unbidden that "macaroni and cheese" and "happy birthday to you" have the same number of syllables. that connection was the first thing i said as i walked in with the tray, and so the idiots started to sing "happy birthday" but "mac n cheese." it's arguably one of the better versions of the song i've heard.

john served it up to them for firsts and i took over for seconds. we also had ice cream cake, which i cut because i had the best leverage as i was standing, and i made an appropriate number of pieces. once everyone has been served i brought it back inside, bringing it eventually downstairs and putting it in the freezer. and then, i looked around for joel's water bottle which he'd wanted, so i found it and filled it and bright it out. caitlyn headed out because her tummy can't handle the mac n cheese and everything, so i took her seat and read for a while.

they were talking about history, altered history, and their 1970's dresden game. it was sort of wild. the amount of knowledge contained in this group of people is truly bonkers. i love it. it's incredible.

and now we are inside at home and i need to sleep because i have to be up early tomorrow. i'm ready to nap.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4311

today was okay. i had my appointment at pain and spine this morning, and we discussed the pain in my hips and my lower back, we talked about future options, and then i told him about the pain in my middle back, which he recommended i do physical therapy for. i said, "great, i have an appointment tomorrow so i'll tell them then," so that was good.

but as i ended up making my way back to joel's, i realized that my back hurts and is shooting between my hip and my lower back and i can't fix it, and i can't stretch it out either. it's miserable and i just want to have it go away. it sucks too because the last thing we'd decided was for me to decide if i wanted to go through with the needles or whatever for the nerve ablation. i would simply like to crack my back.

i was home for a while, back hurting the whole time but happily reading some byler fics. i trimmed my nails and i snacked on pasta salad. it's so good. i then went to pick up naz for her appointment this week, and she got a second miserable injection in her left knee, but because the first shot was lidocaine, her knee was numbed and not hurting for a little while, so we made our way over to walmart where we picked up a bunch of stuff for her and her roommate adam. we got her groceries and some warm-weather clothes because her wardrobe was destroyed by being left outside for like a year and a half or more by her genuinely fucking insane and incredibly abusive ex.

i know - the word is not something to use willy-nilly. it's not something i say lightly. words have meaning. i am still learning to do and be better about making sure my words are what i mean and not something different. this time, i mean it. it's not my place to tell about it, but from an outsider's perspective it's still genuinely frightening.

anyway.

we got her food and stuff to make cupcakes and we got matching dresses that we'll be wearing tomorrow, and i'm excited about it.

but after that, we stopped at the gas station where filling my tank cost $55 exactly without any topping off or anything.

i brought her home and made my way to the school where i stayed for a few hours, snacking on an array of mini cookies i got from walmart. then i came home again, and we had pulled pork and played our star wars game.

and joel just finished watching a stream just now and it is now time for us to sleep.

i have physical therapy at 10:30. sleepy time.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 4310

today i got up early, played on my phone a bit, got up at my normal time, showered, stood in the water as it drained slowly and recognized i needed to take the clump of hair and yuck out of the drain, finished up in the bathroom, got dressed in something cool for the hot day ahead, and brought joel to work.

i then made my way to the bakery i love for cupcakes for my favorite person at the physical therapist office because it was her birthday today so i got her cupcakes and i got cupcakes for everyone else too. i was early to pt for the first time in my life and we worked on my forearms for an hour and change because that shit's been hurting like the devil. i'm confident some of my mysterious bruises are from my physical therapists. i have at least that's developed from the work today.

after PT i went to the school and ended up sitting in with melissa and working on things with her for a little bit and then working with my friend damien on some of his sociology stuff. i then worked with my friend furqan's sister on her microsoft applications class, but we weren't able to finish and she works longer than i do so we'll be meeting on saturday.

after work, i brought another student home so he didn't have to walk or wait for a bus which wasn't out of my way at all. i went to haywards to get some ice cream too, because all day i've been struggling with aches and pains and tiredness and cramps. at one point in melissa's office i remembered i had a king size kitkat bar and then i proceeded to eat it sideways without being thrown out onto the highway. this was just after eating a fruit by the foot by slurping it, the same way melissa was doing it. and at one point, kristen came in, took a look at my one bag instead of my five, and asked, "are you okay? you don't have your snack bag so i figured something must be wrong." incredibly astute observation. good to know i am predictable in the most genuine of ways.

the ice cream was yummy but they didn't have m&m so i got strawberry instead with my moose tracks and mint chocolate chip with rainbow sprinkles.

i came home, ate dinner, brought down laundry soaps, put in my laundry, cleaned out the yuck from the shower drain, washed down the bits with hot soapy water, cleaned up my tools, cleaned the sink. (i cleaned the mirror this morning. it's nice to see it's still clean).

i played animal crossing and then went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and washed my nose piece before taking the trash next to my side of the bed and putting it into the big bucket so i have space again.

but my head has been steadily hurting more and more over the last four hours in the form of a migraine/cluster headache. so i suffer.

joel is wondering why people are stupid. i do not have a good answer. ("why do they think they have to buy the book??" i have no other context.)

my tummy is grumbling at me despite being fed. boo.

my nails are too long. i need to cut them tomorrow.

sleep.