So I'm rewatching Yuri!!! On Ice for the first time since 2016 and I'm finding it fascinating watching a piece of media while being in a different time of my life is showing me about how my view of the world has changed and giving me a mad level of comparison for my past self vs my present self (heads up this will be a ramble evaluating how I've changed in the last 5 along through contemplating my relationship with how I have experienced watching yoi then )
So firstly let me set out who I was when I first watched yoi. In 2016 I was a lonely, sad 14 year old struggling with my mental health and struggling with feeling much of anything. I watched yoi over a couple nights lying on my bed hanging out in my room as was the only way I existed at that time when not at school. I had joined tumblr the year before but only started using my account at the beginning of that year. This was also the year I had got into fandom but I had not got very deep and it was before I had made any fan content myself either.
I watched yoi and found it awesome, I loved it. It was a fantastic and I also realised that watching something with subtitles kept me engaged more than most anything else.
But I remember being confused by it, because I had heard it was 'the gay skating anime' and to me at that age I couldn't spot a canon gay relationship. I was waiting for a conclusive declaration of 'they are definitely together'. Only when the rings were exchanged at the end was I somewhat like 'yeah that seems pretty close'. But I was so cynical and thought 'well, it's fairly gay but I think it's a bit more fanon than canon' like the fool I was
Watching it a second time has been fascinating and I have honestly been able to appreciate so much more about it than the last time.
Where I'm at now is I'm 19, I have since left the school I was at and gone to college (UK college, not university) and got A levels in English and other analytical subjects which rely on studying what you are given and questioning it. I have been heavily part of many more fandoms in the last 5 years, primarily Supernatural (which you can read into for yourself on how that has changed my outlook on canon/not canon opinion for ships). I have made fan art and headcanons and written more than 80k of fanfic and plus other creative writing and written hundreds of essays on how to read into content into what is said between the lines.
I am also now in a far better place mentally. I have amazing friendships which I couldn't have dreamed of when I first watched this. I have friends both in fandom and out of it, I have an idea of what I'm doing with my life when in 2016 I couldn't see much further than the end of the year. And more than anything the way I am watching this show again is highlighting the difference. I now watch yoi lounging on my sofa in the living room, perched on my dining table in between doing college work and uni research, or curled on my bed before I go to sleep. I no longer feel isolated (even though I do in a different way because of the pandemic meaning I've had to stay inside for almost a year for personal reasons but that's different to what it was then)
It has been fascinating watching yoi in this period of my life. Now knowing what makes something good or bad writing, and also knowing that the way Yuri and Victor behave is not normal for any kind of platonic friendship (rewatching has also helped me realise how much more socially inept I was as well as lacking literary analytical ability as I somehow found it difficult to see victuri as as gay as it is because oh my fuck there is no heterosexuals explanation for so much of this show. I have spent the last few days mentally screaming at my younger self 'you needed friends and critical thinking ability so fucking bad you sad stupid little weirdo').
In addition to this I have also experienced being in a romantic relationship in the last 2 years and the amount that has done for my kinda aro/asexual ass in recognising romantic signals has been a wonder (I just copy and paste compare to my own experiences but it feels like I've been given a cheat code for this stuff it's amazing)
What I'm saying is it is fascinating too watch yoi again now because I can see everything people were picking out then. The words and phrases mean a lot more to me and I understand so much more what's happening. I watched episode 6 today and then spent ages contemplating the point their romantic relationship began and deciding it must have been post Yuri's returning performance to professional skating. I am having FUN picking up the clues, playing connect the dots with the looks and the words and the expressions of love that I couldn't understand as a quiet, sad, and unaware 14 y/o who was doing her best to silence any form of emotion. Watching the creation of what I can now appreciate as a layered piece of writing that is also just FUN to watch.
I am just so enjoying watching this show again and being able to appreciate the fun of this very gay soft show about these two adorable chaotic skaters.
