#4amcarrie

[carriiieee]

The Imposter Syndrome

For Black History Month in February, my school decided to start a Black awareness/Allyship Challenge. For each of the 20 days (probably excluding weekends), there are curated reading articles and video materials regarding the Black community on different themes such as culture, history, music, science etc. for us to read, listen, and reflect on. To gamify the experience, we get points per day for submitting a short reflection.

I definitely learned a lot and appreciate that I did end up doing this initiative. It gives a voice to the Black community and reveals just how lopsided history really is. It's always good to have someone feed you rather than looking for the food yourself lol.

But midway and towards end of the whole initiative, I feel a little bit guilty. Writing the reflections make me feel the imposter syndrome. Yes, I am reflecting and understanding my role as an ally, and I am saying all these grandiose things about how I am starting to see, think, and aim to act differently in my reflections. But at the end of the day, I don't think I am changing the way I live on a grand scale. I also think, maybe this is more of an excuse for myself, that because of where I am, I just don't have the opportunities to be the ally I should be.

So, there are some readings that are pretty inspiring and instructive and do empower me to be a good ally, i.e. buying from a Black-owned business, talking to other people and raising other people's awareness, use my social platform, or just continuously learning on this matter - all of which I can do and am doing. Since I have been doing these more small things, I am somewhat consoled that I will be able to act when I am needed in the future *game face*

[carriiieee]

Our Story

A Sonnet The algorithm noted her swipes and likes And collected his style and tastes too, Aligning their paths. Their affection grew. But love is really an upward hike. Their third date was only just a month in, Yet her friends assume they were six months thru, As she chides him to do chores overdue. In time, they can’t wait for their lives to begin. He thought he can win in games that they play, Not knowing she min/maxes even phone games. Beaten by her quick, bold, and witty claims, He succumbs in defeat to his dismay. On his knee to finally get his way, A Pokéball to have her forever stay.

[carriiieee]

It's 10am and she still feels a bit down from the night before. So she drags herself up and and straightens her hair. She cooks herself a pretty good early lunch for the first time in a while. She hasn't been eating well. It's 2pm and she needs company. So she goes to karaoke with everyone and sings her heart out; her expressions, so full of love and full of life. The music and lyrics flow out effortlessly, full of meaning only she understands. It's 8pm and she hasn't hit the gym yet. A better option comes up and she plays ping pong for the first time in years with newly made friends, trying not to let her competitiveness show. 2 and half hours later, she has never felt more energized. It's 11pm and she calls up an old friend without reason. His familiar face and voice calms her. She knows chances like this are becoming less but she maintains that they will still be very much in each other's lives. It's 9am and she wonders why God is giving her pain. It's 1pm and she's tired. After reading for 30min, she lays down and takes a nap, dreaming of the things she shouldn't. It's 7pm and she's feeling quite daring. She goes to have hotpot with 9 people she has never met before. As long as she doesn't feel awkward, it won't be awkward. She tries to sound confident but he still notices her slight accent. It's 2am and she's too excited to sleep. Her life is slowly changing -or way too fast depending on tomorrow - but she still doesn't know how to reconcile the old with the new. She doesn't know if it's courage or stupidity if she is to admit that she still misses him. It's 3am and she promises herself to get up at 10am tomorrow. And she will. After all, those readings won't read themselves.

[carriiieee]

Intruders

We used to roam these hallways Like the kings and queens we were Like the entitled and presumptuous kids we were We knew all the nicks and crevices Along the walls and the indented ceilings Like the back of our hands and spaces between our fingers Our doors and hearts always open Our incessant laughter and obscenity Used to fill the emptiness and fight the loneliness This place was ours, Undoubtedly, undeniably, completely ours Nothing was ever going to change; except it did Now only visitors to a place once so welcoming Mere strangers to a new crowd Even intruders But they aren't us and they never will be To rule from the top of the world To live unselfishly To breathe and exhale genuine love For this place that may seem So harsh and cold We stepped down and simply observed This is us growing up And letting go