apricot summer

Carrie [kar-ee] noun 1. a bundle of stars 2. likes puppies, boxed stationery sets and sleepy late night talks 3. easily flustered 4. realist, long term optimist 5. gamer, dreamer 6. a hoarder of feelings verb 1. to be good and bad at English at the same time 2. to forget the right idiom 3. to be in a perpetual state of wanderlust at insta @anoldpromise

[carriiieee]

the most fallible flaw is believing oneself to be infallible.

[gcmzi]

♡　

Twitter / Pixiv

[carriiieee]

1:23

童年的我，对于很多事，都抱着一辈子的想法， 追寻永远，绝对，一生的故事。 最好的我都想要，所有的都输不起。 及能做到的，想做到的，都做到了。 18岁的我，18年的“经验”， 莫名其妙的让我有如此的自我肯定感。 现在想起来，也暗暗羡慕那时的天真无虑。

那时的我，轻松无忧， 自由自在，痴情受宠， 闹了个小脾气，是我错，还是装了个无法无天。 什么都不顾虑得往前冲，自以为是地过着轰轰烈烈的日子。 终究也是因为我不明白我自己，虽然当时我会积极否认， 也真的很幸运遇到的朋友没有嫌弃我的幼稚。 所有的事情，我好像也看模糊了一点。 但也好，因为没看透，从来不和别人计较，计算。 说实在一点，傻笑得一路过来，那还真是我的黄金时代啊。

长大成熟后，懂了体贴，忍耐，谨慎， 每个所作所为未免也要考虑到别人的感受， 不能再次的放从呼喊 “我在这儿“。 声音小了，身边的人也逐渐地散了。 不等我的人，我追不上的人， 好舍不得啊，但我也得学着放手。 一些人仅仅只和我走人生渺小的一段， 注定不会陪一辈子的。 不勉强，不强求，安慰自己接受常态。 那时的美好青春就保留在那时。 牵过他（们）的手已是我一辈子的快乐。 对于不懂事的我，也谢谢他（们）的宽容。

30 岁的我呀，想对20岁的我说， 虽然你一直刻苦（偷懒）追求成就， 也一步步走过来终于有了成果， 但最后当你反思生活里遇到的事， 令你心动心酸的还是过路人。 要懂得珍惜身边的感情和友情。 你也会发觉，待人，你的脆弱就是你的坚强， 你的逞强却是你的示弱。 回想这些年经历过的幸福，就已感觉满足。

[carriiieee]

[soulstratum]

[carriiieee]

The Imposter Syndrome

For Black History Month in February, my school decided to start a Black awareness/Allyship Challenge. For each of the 20 days (probably excluding weekends), there are curated reading articles and video materials regarding the Black community on different themes such as culture, history, music, science etc. for us to read, listen, and reflect on. To gamify the experience, we get points per day for submitting a short reflection.

I definitely learned a lot and appreciate that I did end up doing this initiative. It gives a voice to the Black community and reveals just how lopsided history really is. It's always good to have someone feed you rather than looking for the food yourself lol.

But midway and towards end of the whole initiative, I feel a little bit guilty. Writing the reflections make me feel the imposter syndrome. Yes, I am reflecting and understanding my role as an ally, and I am saying all these grandiose things about how I am starting to see, think, and aim to act differently in my reflections. But at the end of the day, I don't think I am changing the way I live on a grand scale. I also think, maybe this is more of an excuse for myself, that because of where I am, I just don't have the opportunities to be the ally I should be.

So, there are some readings that are pretty inspiring and instructive and do empower me to be a good ally, i.e. buying from a Black-owned business, talking to other people and raising other people's awareness, use my social platform, or just continuously learning on this matter - all of which I can do and am doing. Since I have been doing these more small things, I am somewhat consoled that I will be able to act when I am needed in the future *game face*

[ireth-alcarin]

[carriiieee]

Kind of a coincidence that I got sent this book to read for the break but it pretty much sums up my life. I’m not afraid to lose again so I have hope. Be nicer to me 2018

[carriiieee]

And then, I found my happy ending that year.

[northwezt]

[carriiieee]

flat lay composition is actually harder than expected. but here's my first attempt at a vintage spread :3

[carriiieee]

Dropping off Toffee at my friend's place where he has two dogs and then, seeing how happy she is with her friends elicited feelings I didn't think I would so strongly have, but probably will also feel in the future with my kids lol. I am pretty sure this is well documented somewhere in parenthood topics, but I don't have the words for this right now and is a little indescribable for me. At the very least, it is a bittersweet feeling. I don't want to feel sad, and rationally, why am I feeling sad? But I do.

I think a lot of what I am feeling is also somewhat cognitive dissonance. Again, rationally, I should be happy that her happiness can come from connecting with others, not just from me. We are all social beings. But feeling sad about that maybe shows that I am selfish (?). I want her to rely on me, maybe because I want to feel that definite sense of "she is mine." But this is how love can be overbearing, and I need to remember that love is also about letting go.

[carriiieee]

Looking beyond myself and the sense of “self” and where I’ve dragged my sorry ass to always humble me and serve as a reminder that whatever “hardship” I am experiencing or may experience is nothing but a passing, trivial worry. Even more so in light of recent events, there’s a lot to be thankful for. Every time I look at Toffee and what a ruff life she has, I am always grateful for the being able to enjoy this stress-free life with her. Every time I get locked out of the school building, I am always grateful for colleagues who regard me well enough to text me back in a timely manner and let me in. From my being the youngest in the program to now being the older one that should gtfo soon, our group of O&M students year after year have always been such a supportive and lovely bunch. They made this process infinitely easier for me. Every time I want to splurge a little, I am always grateful that Kyle indulges me in a guilt-free $$$ sushi dinner. (Don’t worry, this is hopefully once a year ordeal. Actually, I hope even less frequently… lol so much for guilt-free.) I am grateful for the safe roof above my head for me to be in my natural state of a homebody but also lets me to be able to drop everything and escape to wherever tickles my fancy at the moment to learn, travel, work, and focus on self-improvement. Of course, I am also thankful for Kyle’s exasperated you are leaving Toffee and me again? I am grateful for everyone who’s stepped into my life, walked alongside with me, and for who I’ve become and strive to be.

[carriiieee]

不知不觉，过了一年。迷迷糊糊，过了童年。是好是坏，还是蛮开心的。

[petalier]

@WeHeartIt /entry/85157855

[delta-breezes]

Abbie Mellé | @abbie_melle

[lucidite]

Kromboomssloot by Jorge Luis Zapico

[thenordroom]

Scandinavian apartment / styling by Greydeco & photos by Jonas Berg

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