#500in31

[queerynotfound]

500 a Day: Day 29, 8.30.2017

What do I want to use my voice for?

Today my best friend wrote her struggles with silencing herself. She wrote about how she’s discovering the ways in which she had replaced her own voice with the voice of others, rather than develop her voice and allowing herself the space to speak. Her post sparked some thoughts of my own on the topic.

This past Sunday, the church I’m interning at began a Distinctives class. Simply put, they are spending six weeks focusing on the history of their church, what it is they believe, and what it is they do. They’re allowing space for newcomers and members alike to become acquainted (or reacquainted) with the development of the church and their vision. What does this church believe? How do those beliefs inform their vision and how they operate? I’ve been pondering this idea all week. I wanted to write about it on Sunday but my own voice has been struggling. I’ve struggled deeply with a sense of detachment lately and it has been difficult to move beyond simply transcribing events to posing questions, thinking well about those questions, and developing thoughts on those things.

What is it that I use my voice for? What are my distinctives? How often do I take the time to thoughtfully and intentionally consider what is I believe, what it is I stand for, and what it is I want to use my voice for? Not very often I think. I talked last night about how there is a lot of fear in my life. Fear has rooted itself deeply in my heart and in my life. I’ve allowed it to whisper to me until I believe that the voice of fear and its lies are my own. It has caged me up and paralyzed me. I’ve allowed fear to take up residence in so many corners of my mind. I’ve allowed it to convince me that I am small and inadequate, that my deepest passions, my far flung hopes, and improbable dreams are too risky, unrealistic, and unworthy of pursuit. And these fears say a lot. Fear targets those passions, those hopes, those dreams and tries to keep you from stoking the fires in those furnaces, until they’ve burned out completely. Fear whispers lie after lie to you and tries to shame your identity. It wants to rob you of your voice by targetsing those things that make up the very fabric of who you are, shaming you and deceiving you into believing that those things don’t matter.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve allowed fear to rob me of my voice. I’ve allowed it to talk me out of believing that the thing I was so passionate about, doesn’t matter. I’m beginning to understand that it is important to examine ourselves. It’s a scary thing to self-evaluate, to look at oneself and desire to know what it is we believe, what drives us, and how we operate. It’s important to learn what it is we are passionate about, what it is we hope for, what it is we dream, because understanding those things opens up so many doors. And understanding those things also provides opportunity to seek out the voice of fear and learn how it tries to speak to us, how it tries to discourage and dissuade us to develop those passion and dream those dreams.

My best friend talked about the importance of unlearning the ways in which we have conditioned ourselves to do things. She posed important questions like how can she (really, how can we all do this for ourselves) learn to nurture her voice? What does it feel like to value her voice that it would give more space in life’s most critical decisions rather than allowing space for other’s voices to speak for her? What will it life be for her if she chose to always stay committed to herself? She posed so many questions that are now rattling around in my brain because they are important questions. These questions speak specifically to who she is and I’m amazed at her courage. Because it takes courage to consider these things and to ask those questions of herself. And I am challenged by that. I’m challenged by her vulnerability and her courage, even if she feels like she is speaking with a shaky voice. Because even if her voice shakes, what matters is that she is speaking anyway.

So here’s to asking important questions. Here’s to rooting out my fear. Here’s to doing everything I can to see more of myself that I have my entire life. Here’s to listening to others do the same. Here’s to cheering them on. Here’s to my best friend, for inspiring me by facing every day even if she doesn’t want to. Because showing up is important. It matters, even if we don’t think that it does.

[queerynotfound]

500 a Day: Day 28, 8.29.2017

Synonyms for Fear: Angst, Anxiety, Terror, Panic, Unease, Worry, Agitation, Dread, Doubt, Timidity 

There is a lot of fear in my life. I’ve always known this about myself. Everyone has things they’re afraid of. And I’m not just talking about being afraid of spiders or heights. Those things are valid. But I’m not talking about phobias of that type. I’m talking about fears that whisper to you, fears that try to speak to the very core of who you are. These are the fears and lies that know which dreams burn brightest, they know your passions, your deepest loves, and they whisper to those parts of who you are. They try to make you feel small and inadequate. They’re the ones that try to cage you in and leave you there to rot, filling every corner of your mind with what ifs until there isn’t room for anything else. This is the fear I’m talking about. This is the fear I see in myself.

I’ve thought a lot about courage this summer. And today I had a conversation with a mentor of mine. She’s also my intern supervisor through school and our conversation was an official debrief about my summer. She knows me well. And I know that she was sensing the fact that I’m floundering a bit on the heels of finishing my internship and navigating post graduation life. Our conversation was fairly short. It accomplished its goal. But we ended on the note that we would talk more next week. I’m grateful for that. She wants to help me process, to navigate everything I’m feeling. To really digest what’s been happening, how I feel about it, and the things I can learn in light of all of that. Our conversation left me emotional. She’s a dear friend and mentor and in the middle of trying to give her concrete answers about how my summer internship has gone, what the challenges have been, what’ve been some of my favorite things and so on, I realized that I’ve been absolutely crippled by fear these last few weeks. My anxiety was sky high when we talked because my alma mater finally posted the job application I’ve been waiting for. I filled it out immediately and submitted it. But in light of that, I was deeply anxious. It felt like I had swallowed fire. My lungs burned, like they do after you run to hard and you can’t catch your breath. And my chest hurt. There’s been a stabbing sensation in my chest all day since filling out that application. You would think that I would feel better right? Part of me does but part of me doesn’t. Because the reality is, I’m desperate for this job. I want it. Badly. And I haven’t done a good job of planning contingencies if I don’t get it. I’ve been struggling under the weight of being present here during my internship and trying to prepare for my next step. 

This combination of events today has brought me back to the realization that I have some deeply rooted fears in my life. And I don’t know what a lot of them are. Not really. I think I tend to gloss over them and try and pretend they aren’t really there. Ignorance is bliss until the damn breaks and suddenly you’re being drowned by the depth and gravity of everything you were trying to pretend didn’t exist. I don’t want to live with fears like these in my life. Because these fears don’t need to shout it at me until I run away. All they need to do is whisper to me, until I think their voice is my own. And before I realize what’s happening, I’ve walked myself into the cage they built for me and locked myself in. They did their job by deceiving me and convincing me that the right choice was to take the key and do the deed myself. Fear will own you if you let it. It will turn you into a shadow of yourself. It’ll shame your identity and convince you that being who you are is the wrong choice. It’ll say that its better to play it safe, you’ll have less regrets by not taking risks, you’ll be better liked if you learn how to wear different masks that project the image of who people want you to be. It will convince you that bowing to other people’s expectations of who you aught to be and not putting in the work to kindle the fire of your passions and hopes and dreams is the right choice. Because that way you won’t get burned. And by doing that, the fire that burns inside of you, the one that flickers with your brightest passions, far flung hopes, and improbable dreams, will die out without you ever even realizing it. And that’s when fear owns you. When you let it force you to your knees by bowing to the expectations of others, when you let it lock you in a cage and hide yourself away from the world, when you let it keep you from stoking the fires that burn in the deepest furnaces of your heart. It cripples you, paralyzes you, haunts you, until it owns you.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” // J.R.R Tolkien, The Children of Hurien // 

I refuse to let fear own me like that. I don’t want to be that person who runs so fast and far from fear that they only meet it all the sooner. I once heard somewhere “Fear is what you feel. Brave is what you do.” Fear will not cage me in. Fear will not paralyze me so that I never stoke the fires of my passions, my hopes, and my dreams. Fear will not whisper to me so sweetly that I soon believe the voice is my own.

Here’s to facing my fears. Here’s to learning what they are, how they speak to me, and not letting them own me. Here’s to being brave. In any way I can.

[thisinspiresresa]

500 a Day: Day Twenty-Six, 8.27.2017

I sit here at the end of the day mentally stepping back. I lean my heart away from my personal affairs and onto other things, other people. Have you ever felt nearsighted about your life? But you only realize your narrow way of life after your vision has been stretched a bit to fit other people’s views of life. 

Today, I read an article about a dear former peer of mine. I have read many stories written by her, but this article was rather a snapshot by a reporter attempting to summarize my peer’s past two years of cancer treatment. I haven’t heard from her in a while, so I was glad to find the article being shared so quickly by other acquaintances on social media. I thoughtfully read through the interview and my heart and all of it’s ferocious desires of self ambition suddenly shrank - or maybe, my vision finally saw it in its real size. Here I am reading an article about someone I know and admire very dearly who is going through the process of death with her family. She is 23 years old. Only a few years my junior, I am actually a novice at life compared to what this woman has accomplished and conquered. Her story reminded me my life is so wasted when I’m not using it to its fullest, not speaking as I have been equipped, and not giving as much as my privilege allows. I am and always have been inspired by my peer since the first time I met her. She has eyes that see no limit to someone’s potential and success. She has a heart that reaches out to the marginalized and the socially shunned. She has ambitions of selflessness; always aiming to give to others. She is an incredible human being; a rare connection for someone to make in their lifetime. 

Yet, I have lived most of my life in fear, in a state of self-infliicted discouragement, and majorly unmotivated to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff that I truly desire. She has been an inspiration to me to always see outside of myself, to put now my near-sighted vision and look properly out into the world where other precious lives surround me. People with their own stories filled with pain, illness, triumphs, sadness, and more. People whom I can connect with on a meaningful level, to encourage where they are at, empower them toward their potential, and share my life with them in turn. I wonder how much of my life will change for the better if I had this sort of bravery. 

I haven’t even been transparent with who I am on this blog. The words that desire to push me toward a more honest state of being aren’t even claimed by the name of its owner. It is an ironic state to be in, I find. I wonderful if this author will have the bravery to be a little bit more honest, a little bit more courageous, a little bit more other-focused, and own every bit of those improvements/failings. I wonder if that is at all possible. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be as brave as my peer has been. 

[thisinspiresresa]

500 a Day: Day Five, 8.6.2017

A community of true friends

have no greater joy,

nor glorious duty,

than to bestow newness of life

upon each other.

Few and far between are such beings of light

Rare as a precious star sharing its glory in the dark

mysterious night skies

every hundred years.

Life-giving, 

Light-bearing,

Love-being.

Been thinking and experiencing friendships on a variety of scales the past week. From the broken and obscure with such fragile connections and cracked foundations to enriching, life-giving connections with sincere and care in their groundings. Such polarized descriptions of friendships, yet often I navigate through the extremes of life. At least, everything feels and looks extreme in your twenties. 

I believe life is an insane journey. With each stretch of land there are various people whom you have the honor to trek paths with. Some, you journey together closely but only for a time. Others, maybe you would notice ahead of you or behind. Maybe some are taking sudden turns and detours you did not expect them to make. Perhaps you were influenced by another to choose another route that you would have otherwise have taken. As I think through life as it is currently, in my twenties, during an extremely transient time, many things remain unknown and uncertain - including connections made. This is a time in my life where truly I find paths filtering into separate roads for many connections I’ve made.

Yet, the separation is not forever for many. I got to spend time with a few people who I haven’t seen in a long time or have spent any meaningful amount of time learning and laughing with them. By the end of my time with them, I felt a significant increase of life revived within me. I was inspired by friends who are aiming and reaching their goals. I was encouraged by their words to me as I struggle with navigating through my own life. I felt at home and received such peace with these friends. I didn’t have to be anyone but myself with them: completely and totally. I could be bummed out about life and express my discouragement around them and feel the affirming head nod, high fives, and verbal remarks of understanding. And then we could all celebrate and laugh and reflect upon the past together. There was nothing outstandingly special about our time together that ushered in such an atmosphere. There was no program, no game, or ice breakers that could enable such compassion and love. There was something intrinsically beautiful within each human that preexisted before we ever got together today. If they were stars in a galaxy, they would be the biggest and brightest, giving life to worlds. 

So, tonight I’ll rest with a thankful and very full heart. Full of life, full of light, full of love given to me today. If there is one thing I have experienced this week, it’s darkness. To be able to end the week with the such illuminating beauty is the most tragic plot twist for my dark world. 

Let in a little more light, 

you were not made for the dark.

Child of light,

become whom you were born to be. 

[queerynotfound]

500in31: Day 10, 8.14.2017

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” // J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings //

I Facetimed two of my closest friends last night, my Parabati (check out Cassandra Clare for that reference) and my Chummy (a largely British term of endearment for someone who is your close friend). There are two hallmarks for our video dates: longevity and laughter. We could simply sit with each other on Facetime for two or three hours at a time, talking about anything and everything. And when we do, we laugh, a lot. Last night was one of those times were I laughed so long and so hard that I could hardly breathe. It was the kind of laughter that soothed the ragged edges of my soul. It eased the weeping wounds in my heart, wounds brought on by grief birthed from loss and change and distance and so many other things. It was laughter that burst upon my heart like a supernova, filling my heart with light and cheer and a joy I haven't felt in weeks. And for a time, I felt whole again.

This summer has been hard. Transition is never easy and graduating from school has been far more difficult and painful than I realized it would be. I miss my family and when I went home for a week long visit in July, my heart was full because of my time with them. But there are always two sides to a coin. And even though I always miss my family, I have friends that are so beloved, that I consider them my family as well. They are the family that was completely unexpected, not a family I was born into but the family that, in many ways, chose me and I them. And those types of friends, there are so many words and yet no words at all to describe them.

Friendships are marked by such tenuous connections. Friends come and go. And every friendship is different. There are friends that come for a season, filling a need you didn't even know was you had. There are friendships that are mutual but also feel like a mentorship, a friendship marked by the difference in age and experience. There are friendships that shouldn't be there at all. Relationships filled with frustration, marked my an imbalance in commitment and difference in priorities, and overshadowed by the derision of disappointed hopes. No friendship is perfect. There will always be mistakes made, miscommunication, disappointment and more. But sometimes we hang on to friendships in which the scales are so unbalanced by the patterns of frustration, disappointment, and inconsistency that they embitter us, transforming us into the worst possible version of ourselves.

I've hung on to those wrong friendships before. I've hung on to friends that bleed into me like a poison, and the infection spreads until I'm transformed into someone completely unrecognizable. And I've also hung onto friendships that were only meant for a season and I am unwilling to let go. And sometimes I get so caught up in my idea of what I want a friendship to be. My idealistic, dreamer heart falls in love with the illusion of who I want to be and who I think the other person should be that I leave no room for the reality of what that friendship truly is and what it could grow to be. 

But there are some friends that make you whole. There are people who love you in such a way that you know your heart is completely and undeniably safe. There are friends with whom you can unequivocally and without apology, be your true self. There are friendships in which the space is so safe that you can fail and make mistakes and allow each other room to grow. These are the friendships that should be cherished. These are the friendships that should be nurtured and cared for. These are the friends that become safe havens amidst the storms of life.

These are the things that make the world turn. These are the things that make the world merrier. Food and song and cheer. And friends that turn into family. Friends that make us whole. People talk about soulmates and I've come to learn that some soulmates aren't found in romantic love. Some soulmates are a  platonic love, that best friend who feels more like a brother or a sister, like family and yet, are not because they are distinct and separate, they’re undeniably different, undeniably unique. They are those friends that would traverse every mountain and valley with you. They are the friends that would weather every storm. They are the friends that finish your sentences and love that you laugh so hard that it seems like you've stopped breathing all together. They are the friends that know your darkest fears and the dreams that burn brightest and face them all with you. They talk you through the darkest of nights and lose sleep to show up for you because love would sacrifice anything to care for those that have been woven into the very fabric of of who you are. They are the friends that make saying goodbye the most difficult thing in the world and yet, when you're reunited, it feels like no time at all has passed.

I have these friends. And even now, my heart aches for these friends of mine, the ones that feel like home. The ache in my heart burns bright and hot, searing me with its intensity. I know that some separation is only for a time and some is forever. Distance makes the heart grow fonder they say. Some friends are friends forever they say. I know its true. There are countless clichés and tropes that I could repeat to myself but none of them bring true comfort. My future feels so undecided yet I know, I know where I belong. I know the next step I want to take. 

My heart is impatient.

My heart is ready for this summer to be over.

My heart longs to see the people I love.

Its ready to reconnect with my family.

And its ready to be reunited with my friends, my soul sisters, my safe havens.

My heart is ready to go home.

[thisinspiresresa]

500 a Day: Day Eight, 8.9.2017

adding experiences to your life is really important. At least that is something that I think I truly found out today. 

Today was a good day. I got to spend time with my mentor who is full of wisdom, insight, and great humor. She thought to bring me to a crisis nursery for a tour of the place and to learn about their functions and what sort of people help out. It was amazing the variety of people that can work there. All it takes is creativity and a heart to give. I was floored by their acceptance of any person’s skill set and their appreciation of any sort of contribution. Typically, such places I assume would appreciate one’s time or money and/or donations. The first skill set they remarked on was a man skilled in woodworking who cut their doors. Amazing! What a creative, yet incredibly giving and important, contribution. 

At the end of the tour, I reflected upon my own skill sets and interests and hobbies. Somewhere in this world, there is a place that will welcome me and my own personal skill sets, interests, and hobbies in a way that I am able to contribute toward their goals with them. That sounds absolutely exciting to me. The very thought has never crossed my mind. I always have compromised or given up a lot of myself when it comes to navigating this life. The idea of a job or career that would give me space to thrive as myself has barely crossed my mind. The mentality of limitations is so powerful. 

And this whole thought process wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have the experience I had today. EXPERIENCES ARE IMPORTANT. they are different things that you wouldn’t normally have in your life. they challenge the way you live currently, they inspire your mind into magical what-ifs, and they open your eyes to a new way in which the world works. Experiences are powerful. 

But experiences without follow-through are simply memories with little impression. As I reflect over the day, I have thought through my own skill sets and interests that may turn out into major contributions at a job or in a career. I’ve been soaking in inspiring documentaries of creative beings who took their hobbies and made them into their dream careers. I’ve listened to motivating podcasts encouraging me to not limit my dreams based off of false pretenses and fears. I’ve talked with honest and dear friends who have challenged me to find my passion in life and keep gathering inspiration and grow in disciplines. I’m entering my second week of my 31 day writing challenge and I can be proud to have a physical record of something consistent in my life, something that I am working hard on completing each day, as well as actively doing something I actually enjoy doing - writing. I’ve taken in so much within the past week alone and I feel as if things are finally coming together for me now. 

I am finally seeing some potential in my own life and it’s quite the experience. 

[thisinspiresresa]

500 a day: Day four, 8.5.2017

Today I want to write about fear. I want to describe it for you. 

For me, Fear is a shadow with a mind of its own. Without warning, it casts its darkness upon all sorts of things. A a child, your closet becomes a realm for monsters. As an adult, that shadow works in scarier ways: you feel the darkness as you check your bank balance. It travels into your body and engages your legs to move at the sound of anything unknown. And it most powerfully casts its dark cloak upon things like dreams, aspirations, ideas, and goals. Fear is a shadow and whatever it marks is instantly seen as scary, intimidating or unachievable. 

I think some of us walk through life with shadows in our minds. We’ve shut off any possibility for illumination and truth in order to accommodate fears we find “realistic.” We close mental and emotional doors to the act of risking and take chances on a dream because fear’s shadow has blinded us from believing we can really reach anything we dream about. 

Why must we allow fear’s shadow to cast so far into our lives? 

Sometimes fear is more than a shadow, but a form and powerful force of completely oppression. If you look closely, Fear holds pieces of fragile thread. Fear ties itself upon things in your life with them. And if you close your eyes and listen to Fear’s threads collide together, their sound resembles that of heavy chains. We often believe Fear’s illusion that his ties are weighty and inescapable. We believe the chains we hear equate to the substance that is tied around us. Little do we question what we hear and illuminate the weak threads that are actually holding us down. 

Why must we allow fear’s chain facade to hold us down?

So Fear is nothing more than a shadow puppet. It’s attempt to cast its over an entire light source is never fulfilled. And Fear’s tools are nothing more but fragile illusions. 

*crunches on chips*

I have to pause and engage with what shadows are in my life and what faux chains I have believed have been keeping me down for so long. When I was in theater growing up, I wanted nothing more than a substantial role in a musical with as many beautiful sad ballads as possible. My fear? My mediocre acting skills. My chains? I believed that I could never be good enough for a main role. I was in college-level dance for two years and I always wanted a solo in the annual concert. My fear? My post-surgery foot would not be able to handle intense dancing. My chains? I believed I could never advance far with my physical set-back so I never pushed myself any farther than what was expected of me. I could go on and on about how Fear has literally ruled my life from my youth days to my young adult days. I think if I was really honest with myself (and I wanted to start doing that for myself), I gave up on more dreams than I have ever fought for. That’s what fear does to you: it creates the passive, compliant human. Nothing more than the Shadow’s own puppet, used to cast shadows on another victim. 

That is fear to me. 

[thisinspiresresa]

500 a Day: Day Thirty-one, 9.1.2017

The beginning of the end is now. The journey of a month full of writing is coming to an end. With every word typed, I draw a step closer to the fulfillment of my goal. It all seems like it went by so quickly, yet at the same time I feel as if it was all in slow motion, like an action film through all the intense gruesome scenes. This blog has carried me through a lot of those scenes in my life, the gruesome and the intense. The days where I was feeling too much to write, I proved myself wrong and recorded all that was going on in my heart and mind and all around me. The times of great sorrow, pain, depression; it was all recorded and I can’t wait to look back at my own words and think of how young I was or how naive I’ve been, or how good I actually had it. 

I was able to read through my first post to this blog and was moved by the raw sincerity and gentleness of it. The expectations were more than simply becoming a better writer (of which, I am unsure if I have accomplish any sort of improvement) but rather for a revealing and acquainting with myself - the one person I have been dying to know and understand for a long time. The encouraging affirmations and the self-inflicted criticism I laid out within that first blog post were refreshing to recall to memory. I reflect finally on what this blog has aided for me and if I would reaffirm the same pros and cons of what I saw within me 31 days ago. 

So, to you, young one, I speak thus: 

These past 31 days were horrendous and also wonderful. You have been through the highs, the lows, the stupid in-betweens, and each day you have stayed committed to your decision to write. to process. to be a little bit more truthful than the previous day. I have seen more growth in you to be your true self without reservations, but take care to not disregard others in light of your pursuit of becoming who you really are/want to be. Let love drive you to the fullest beauty you were made to become. You still have a very long way to go, but this was such a great opportunity to get to know you a little bit more. Put your name on your thoughts and ideas. Set your face before your opinions and issues. Claim what is yours or else it will be taken from you. And keep writing. Keep processing. Keep making yourself known to others. And be okay with yourself, in all of your wonderful flaws and imperfections - for we all are glorious imperfections journeying through life with worn out shoes and dysfunctional minds; narrowed visions and tired souls. Let’s be a little more understanding of our shortcomings as they are: real and really there. 

Thank you for giving me the time to get to know you. I hope we can continue this journey of revealing, rawness, and realness. 

I became writing this post on 9/1/17, but as you can see it was posted on 9/2/17. Partially due to my late start in writing, but also for a purpose. This blog carries on. Things will be a little different from now on since my writing challenge is over, but I have every intention of keeping up with my writing in some way, shape or form. I hope whoever has braved the pages of my writing and grasped something of value to send me a message of your real thoughts or questions about it and what you may be looking forward to in the future. It may not be what you expected, that’s okay. I probably won’t expect it either. I sort of like it that way. 

As the new day comes, so a new stage ushers in. 

And let the curtain rise.