500 a Day: Day 29, 8.30.2017
What do I want to use my voice for?
Today my best friend wrote her struggles with silencing herself. She wrote about how she’s discovering the ways in which she had replaced her own voice with the voice of others, rather than develop her voice and allowing herself the space to speak. Her post sparked some thoughts of my own on the topic.
This past Sunday, the church I’m interning at began a Distinctives class. Simply put, they are spending six weeks focusing on the history of their church, what it is they believe, and what it is they do. They’re allowing space for newcomers and members alike to become acquainted (or reacquainted) with the development of the church and their vision. What does this church believe? How do those beliefs inform their vision and how they operate? I’ve been pondering this idea all week. I wanted to write about it on Sunday but my own voice has been struggling. I’ve struggled deeply with a sense of detachment lately and it has been difficult to move beyond simply transcribing events to posing questions, thinking well about those questions, and developing thoughts on those things.
What is it that I use my voice for? What are my distinctives? How often do I take the time to thoughtfully and intentionally consider what is I believe, what it is I stand for, and what it is I want to use my voice for? Not very often I think. I talked last night about how there is a lot of fear in my life. Fear has rooted itself deeply in my heart and in my life. I’ve allowed it to whisper to me until I believe that the voice of fear and its lies are my own. It has caged me up and paralyzed me. I’ve allowed fear to take up residence in so many corners of my mind. I’ve allowed it to convince me that I am small and inadequate, that my deepest passions, my far flung hopes, and improbable dreams are too risky, unrealistic, and unworthy of pursuit. And these fears say a lot. Fear targets those passions, those hopes, those dreams and tries to keep you from stoking the fires in those furnaces, until they’ve burned out completely. Fear whispers lie after lie to you and tries to shame your identity. It wants to rob you of your voice by targetsing those things that make up the very fabric of who you are, shaming you and deceiving you into believing that those things don’t matter.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve allowed fear to rob me of my voice. I’ve allowed it to talk me out of believing that the thing I was so passionate about, doesn’t matter. I’m beginning to understand that it is important to examine ourselves. It’s a scary thing to self-evaluate, to look at oneself and desire to know what it is we believe, what drives us, and how we operate. It’s important to learn what it is we are passionate about, what it is we hope for, what it is we dream, because understanding those things opens up so many doors. And understanding those things also provides opportunity to seek out the voice of fear and learn how it tries to speak to us, how it tries to discourage and dissuade us to develop those passion and dream those dreams.
My best friend talked about the importance of unlearning the ways in which we have conditioned ourselves to do things. She posed important questions like how can she (really, how can we all do this for ourselves) learn to nurture her voice? What does it feel like to value her voice that it would give more space in life’s most critical decisions rather than allowing space for other’s voices to speak for her? What will it life be for her if she chose to always stay committed to herself? She posed so many questions that are now rattling around in my brain because they are important questions. These questions speak specifically to who she is and I’m amazed at her courage. Because it takes courage to consider these things and to ask those questions of herself. And I am challenged by that. I’m challenged by her vulnerability and her courage, even if she feels like she is speaking with a shaky voice. Because even if her voice shakes, what matters is that she is speaking anyway.
So here’s to asking important questions. Here’s to rooting out my fear. Here’s to doing everything I can to see more of myself that I have my entire life. Here’s to listening to others do the same. Here’s to cheering them on. Here’s to my best friend, for inspiring me by facing every day even if she doesn’t want to. Because showing up is important. It matters, even if we don’t think that it does.