Relationships. Shared between two people with a mutual understanding.
I know relationships are built with love, respect, and honesty. But mine has a little twist: my relationships are built with a little thing called “hate”. By putting hate first, I think that bond is stronger compared to my relationships built from love.
But then, there’s this one relationship that was built from that and has been my standard in all relationships.
And that is with my cousin/half-sibling.
Now, you may be wondering how that happened?
According to science, if twin mothers gave birth to their children, they’d be half siblings. Legally their kids and their sister’s kids are first cousins but at the DNA level they are half siblings. Since my mom and her mom are twins, that fact also applies to us.
Still, even if we’re that close just by blood alone, that doesn’t mean our relationship has been destined. Our relationship was formed after many years of fruitful fights and broken promises. Still, oddly enough, we’re close – even closer than with our own full siblings.
My cousin and I have been together since I was born. She has been my babysitter, my playmate and in some cases, my chauffeur. For every fight, she would let me calm down first, then explain her side. For every broken promise, she’d make up for it twice-fold. Even if it was my fault, she’d say sorry.
She never left my side.
Even if I abused her kindness and made her cry almost every single day, she still stayed.
I first thought it was because my mom told her to do that, which was a bit true. But, she told me it was more than that.
To her, it wasn’t just an errand. It was her mission: to protect me at all costs and prevent my self-destruction. She knew I had this tendency to do something impulsive and then regret it for all my life. And she was right.
And after all these years and countless attempts to make her leave me, here we are. Staying strong and true to our bond, showing no signs of breaking.
And in those years, she changed me. She inspired me to do things and even my reason on why I chose to study psychology in the first place. She made me open my heart when I decided to close it and keep it to myself until I’m six feet under the ground.
I may have built out relationship in hostile soil, but she raised it with love and care. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I still believe in that type of set up when it comes to making new relationships. But, maybe I'll also do my part in building that relationship with love and respect, just like what my cousin did to ours.
Somehow it felt good, to finally voice out something I kept hidden for a long while. They say “deal with it”. I ask, “how?” They gave me thoughts to ponder on, to defy this feeling inside. Little steps, little steps, please don’t make it too hard. I’m not that strong as I seem to be from the outside.
Unexpectedly meeting your long forgotten friend who strangely caught your attention and interest.
“Hey, where are you right now?”
“I’m still on way. Why?”
“There are only three persons who haven’t come yet and you’re one of them!!! You and your incurable tardiness!”
I laughed to hear my friend’s complains about my so-called ‘incurable tardiness’ blasting from the other line. If I had this disease in me, so this friend of mine—her name was Dhea—also had her own incurable disease: unstoppable nagging. Since I’d known her from we’d been in junior high school 12 years ago, she’s indeed gifted with that kind of mouth, which couldn’t stop talking and nagging for twenty four-seven.
“Dhea, I don’t mean to be tardy, really. My boss happened to give me a shitload of work today, that’s why I came late. If he didn’t, I believe that I would come on time,” I reasoned, looking at the busy road from the window of the public bus I’d taken from office building. “Besides, the traffic is beyond crazy here. I think I’d still stick here for next ten minutes.”
Dhea didn’t continue her super nagging, especially when she definitely knew that I worked at the busiest spot in the city. And not to mention, I was dismissed later than usual today. Incurable tardiness or not, I meant to come late for my senior class of junior high school’s reunion.
“Okay then, I’ll tell them that you’re gonna come late,” Dhea sighed.
“Thank you, Dhea,” I said to her. “At least I have my late companion.”
Dhea grunted. “Okay then, come quickly. We can’t start the reunion if we’re not completed yet.”
“Just wish that miracle would come and made this traffic disappeared in a second,” I chuckled lightly. “See you!”
Dhea murmured some dirty vague words before she ended her call. I shrugged my shoulders and put my phone back into my bag. After five minutes—and still stuck—I decided to pull my iPod out from my bag and listened to the music, hoped the bore would evaporate in instant.
I shifted my eyes to the messy view outside and found a red car next to the bus I was in. There was a young man who drove the car, looking annoyed with the traffic. His black hair was styled neatly and he wore a white shirt with his sleeves rolled up to his elbow, showcasing his toned forearms—typical young executive who just went home from work.
Though, the interesting part was, I felt like I knew him. I only could see his side-profile through this dusty window, so I couldn’t make his face completely. He’s sure good-looking, and I didn’t remember that I had a friend or acquaintances like him. Even none of my office mates looked like him. But why I had this familiar feeling when I looked at him?
Out of the blue, that man turned his head towards me and I quickly looked ahead, didn’t want to be accused as a stalker by some random good-looking man. I might be almost 27 years old this year and still single, but it didn’t mean I was that desperate to look some random cute guy for me to take. And as the whole universe integrated to save my pride, the bus went on and left the red car.
And in fifteen minutes, I finally arrived at the restaurant where I would meet my old friends for reunion. Once I stepped in, I was welcomed by super-crowded table; my junior high school friends. I greeted them all one by one, till I finally hugged my best friend, Dhea.
“ANDRAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” she shouted, making all of our classmates shook their heads, but at the same time they found it funny seeing our reunion. “Finally you come!!!”
“Finally,” I said, patted her back and sat on one of the remaining chairs next to her. “So… I ain’t the last one, right?”
“Clearly not,” Dhea pointed the last remaining chair. “Our dear mysterious Ilham hasn’t come yet. Anton said that he’s stuck in the traffic too.”
“Ilham?” I asked, taking Dhea’s orange juice and drink it till the last drop, making her groaned in annoyance. “Was there any guy who named Ilham in our classroom back then?”
The girls who sat near Dhea and I were chuckling to hear my—probably sounded dumb—question. Sorry but not so sorry, I really did not remember that I had a classmate who named Ilham in junior high school. Besides, I had quite a poor memory system, especially for people whom I didn’t meet frequently.
I even forgot some guys I’d greeted before.
“Geez, you haven’t changed a bit, Ndra,” Marissa, one of my classmates who loved gossiping around back then—and apparently, it hadn’t changed even a bit though she got married a year ago, even worse it’s said—commented, shaking her head. “Still forgetful like a grandma,”
“At least I didn’t do gossips like middle aged woman when I was still a cute teenager girl,” I spat back, then we all laughed.
“And still insensitive,” Qorry, the prettiest one among us—since then and even now—joined in. “How could you forget him when he sat next to your seat, Andra?”
Okay, so I wasn’t only still forgetful but also insensitive. And tardy too, if I had to include Dhea’s testimonial. Oh, dear.
“Hey, hey, don’t be too harsh on her, ladies,” Dhea said, side-hugged me in a protective manner, making me stuck my tongue on them all in a victory (or childish) manner. “You all know that Andra was and still is a headless woman. We shouldn’t be that shock if she didn’t really remember him. He really disappeared after graduating junior high school.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Vanessa, my other classmate said. “He moved in to Germany right after graduating junior high school and just came back a week ago, based on Anton’s info.”
Ah, I thought. My mind finally sparked some flame when that ‘move in to Germany’ was being mentioned. Now I remembered him, Ilham. He was an awkward guy who didn’t talk a lot. He was chubby and wore a pair of thick glasses. Dhea adored him so much back then, she thought that he was cute like a honey bear.
And me? I didn’t really care about him. And once he disappeared to Germany, he also disappeared from my memory. But now, I kind of remembered about him, although only a little bit of piece.
“Seeing your face, it looks like you’ve gained your memory about him back,” Marissa said, giving me a new glass with apple juice, which I accepted happily.
“Yeah, I kinda remember him a bit. The awkward dude with glasses, right?” I confirmed, sounded so overly confident, making Dhea scoffed in disbelief. “This guy is back? Who said so? He even doesn’t join our Whatsapp group or something?”
“Apparently, Anton just met him yesterday in his workplace,” Marissa’s gossip girl-self had turned on, as her voice started to tone down and we had to lean closer to hear better. “Long story short, he is Anton’s new higher-up and he recognized that Anton was one of his classmates before he moved in to Germany. They talked and Anton told him that we’d have a reunion today. Seeing that there will be so many of us coming, so Ilham said that he would give it a go."
“If he works at the same place with Anton, why he doesn’t come together with Anton?” I asked, side-eyeing Anton who was laughing with other classmates on the other end while drinking his beer.
Dhea sighed. “Didn’t you listen? Ilham is Anton’s higher-up. He probably has more job to do than Anton does,” she barked, and I made face for her reactive response. She just couldn’t let her chance to nag slipped away from her that easily. "You fool."
“Hey, don’t be too harsh on her,” Qorry gave Dhea’s piece of words back to its owner, and I gave her a high-five for her smart comeback.
“Ssssh, there is one more important piece of news!” Marissa hushed, making us gathered back like ducks coming closer to their mom. “And this morning, I saw on Facebook that Anton just accepted Ilham as his friend.”
“And...?” Vanessa asked, looked so curious.
“Damn, he has changed,” Marissa squeaked like a desperate fangirl and dig her red purse then pulling her phone out. She unlocked the screen and now she scrolled something on it in a thrilled manner. “Here! Here! You guys have to see it!”
First, it was Qorry and Vanessa who sat next to her gave it a look. They gasped and looked at Marissa’s phone dumbfounded, like they just had seen the latest limited diamond on 70%+20% discount at some malls. Couldn’t take it anymore, Dhea finally snatched the phone from Qorry’s hand and shared the view with me.
I gasped too when I saw the profile picture of Ilham Adiatama.
“Is there any interesting thing from my Facebook account? You can add it if you want to,”
As I heard that deep husky voice coming from behind me, I saw the changes of expression from the girls who sat in front of me. But their expressions were strangely typical: shocked with their eyes and mouth wide-opened. Even Dhea, who turned her head to see the one who just spoke, looked like she’s in awestruck.
Hoping that I was seeing wrong on that profile picture, I turned my head to see the newcomer and finally let out the loudest inelegant gasp like I’d just seen a ghost of my ancestor came to haunt me. It felt my soul had left my poor mortal body in shame.
That husky voiced newcomer who’d just claimed Ilham’s Facebook account as his, was that darn good-looking guy in the red car I’d seen earlier. Right now, he was standing right behind me, with his all probably 180-something centimeter height, with his hands casually placed on the back of my chair. And not to mention, I also could creepily sniff the fresh and manly scent from him.
As his eyes met with me, he raised his eyebrow. “Huh? You strangely looked so similar with a woman in a public bus whom I saw on the way here"
UGH, PLEASE?! I really wanted to dig a ground and buried myself there.
“Excuse me,” Marissa, who finally had gathered herself first, spoke to him, “are you—”
“Ilham? You’ve come?”
Anton’s voice from the other end cut Marissa’s question and that guy turned his head to Anton. He smiled and waved his hand lightly. And the whole table got so noisy, they all questioned the same thing: IS HE THE ILHAM OUR CLASSMATE?! IMPOSSIBLE!!!
“Yeah, finally. I got lost several times too, there are too many changes here,” he answered Anton's question. And then, he faced us all and saying, “Hi, all. I’m Ilham. Do you all remember me?”
And, as he’d finally introduced himself as Ilham, everyone officially went hullabaloo. When everyone was so overly busy greeted him, I just turned my back on him and hid my face behind my hair because I didn’t want to face him so badly. The fact that he was seemingly aware that I was looking at him through the window just made me embarrassed. And even my self-esteem started to get shaky.
Damn, he’s not Ilham that I used to know, I thought, mentally jumping around like a nervous rabbit. If he still looked the same to his old self, maybe I wouldn’t this ashamed. Ugh, God, why?!
“You’re Andra, right?” after receiving such an almost-heated-warm welcome from his fellow ex-classmates, Ilham took the only remaining sit next to me. He asked with such a friendly tone that was so unfamiliar in my ears, making me fidgeted on my seat. And I, still had no gut to see him on the face. “Whoa, you’ve changed a lot. I remember that you had a tomboyish look when you’re in junior high school. But look at you now, you’ve grown your hair long and looked so feminine.”
Uh, so Germany could change that awkward fatty guy into a charming and sweet talker man like this?! I shrieked internally, completely in a panic mode.
“Hey, he talks to you, why are you looking at me and giving him your ugly back?” Dhea questioned, raised her eyebrow. “Or you’ve just turned deaf and didn’t hear that Ilham was talking to you?”
In order to stop her unstoppable nags, I didn’t have any choice but to face him. And I didn’t know why my heart suddenly beat this fast when I saw his close-up handsome face. He casually put his head on his hand, with his elbow planted on the table, looking at me while dashing his boyish smile that I'd never seen before. And for Pete's sake, I couldn’t trace the old Ilham I’d known in him at all.
I usually didn’t really care about my appearance, but now I wish I could do some touch ups so I wouldn’t look this ugly and grimy in front of him.
“Sorry,” I murmured to him, unconscious running my hand in my hair and stuck it behind my ear. “And yes, I’m Andra. And I think I’m not the only one who’s changed. You too, you look completely different.”
“Second that!” Marissa joined in.
And there were so many ‘second that!’s following after, making Ilham laughed heartily and I had to admit that his derpy laughing face was strangely attractive too. His aligned pearl teeth also captured my attention on him. Did I sound so odd? Or even creepy?
“I also didn’t realize that I’ve changed this much before I finally found my old photos weeks ago when I was packing my stuffs before moving back here,” Ilham answered, then chuckled as if he himself also found this fact was hilarious. “Besides the magic trick of puberty, when I was in senior high school, my friend told me that I needed to exercise and control my eating-habits. Probably the changes started from there.”
“Ilham, please become my personal trainer,” Dhea suddenly begged, sounded like the old times when we’d still been in junior high school. “I’m getting married in three months but I haven’t started any diet yet. If I don’t start, I can’t wear my wedding dress~” geez, with that puss-in-the-boots-look of her, no one would manage to say no. "Ilham my honey-bear~~~?"
Everyone laughed to hear that old nickname that only Dhea could monopolize back then. No matter how different Ilham's looks might be now, he would always be Dhea's honey bear at heart. Ilham chuckled and nodded his head.
"I think I could give you some general tips," he winked.
It was freaking Dhea who got that wink, but WHY ME WHO ALMOST FAINTED?!
After that, the reunion began. It was pleasant, really. We talked about the old days, the bad and good ones. And for the ones who already got married talked about their spouse, which was so interesting to be honest. Then for the ones who already got kids talked about their adorable kids. And of course they wouldn’t pass the chance to pick on the still single fighter ones, included me. Even Ilham was also still single, much for my surprise.
***
In three hours, at eleven o'clock, the reunion was finished and we started going to our respective home one by one. As if it wasn’t enough that I had to go home alone by public bus, the sky had to pour heavy rain to add more difficulties in my life today. I cursed the heavy rain inside my head, pulling my small yellow umbrella out from my handbag. I knew that tomorrow was already Saturday and I had no work, but the idea of getting my shoes and bag wet still made my mood dampened.
“Hey!” that deep voice stopped me from running through the rain and when I turned my head, I saw Ilham was approaching me in light steps. “Where are you going?”
“Of course home, you stupid,” I spat bitterly, as if he questioned the dumbest question on the earth—and to hide my own jitter.
He chuckled to hear my answer, as though it didn’t bother him at all. “Sorry, sorry, I asked you the wrong question,” he said, with that boyish smile of his that started to invade my mind in a bizarre way. “I mean, you’re going to go home by public transportation?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I had to take the last bus if it’s still around,” I shrugged. “If no, I would grab a taxi.”
“Isn’t it dangerous for you to walk home alone?” he asked, sounded so concerned and… sincere. I really heard his sincerity, no matter how strange it might sound. “How about I take you home?”
In five minutes, both Ilham and I were sitting inside his red car, slightly wet because we'd been running to the parking lot with my damn small yellow umbrella covering the two of us. He was so smooth and persuasive that I couldn’t say no to his offer and ended up sitting on the passenger seat. And as if seeing his side-profile driving from dusty window wasn’t enough, now God gave me a big chance to see his side-profile from this close.
Life is getting harder, I sighed.
After turning the engine on, he started to pedal his car slowly.
“So… you live by yourself?” he asked after I told him where my apartment was and I did live alone there. “Whoa, it’s so unbelievable.”
“Why that’s so unbelievable?” I asked him back, confused.
“I mean, it’s so unbelievable that you’re still single right now,” he said, with his eyes focused on the road ahead. And to be honest, his firm and manly forearms really distracted me. “I thought you’re joking when you said you’re still single earlier. And because Dhea is getting married in months, I thought you actually have a boyfriend and live with him or something.”
I scoffed. “If my mom knew that I live with a man who wasn’t my husband, she would go apocalypse and even sent me to the back of the mountain to reflect my sins,” I intended to be sarcastic and not being funny, but Ilham laughed and shook his head in wonder.
“Sorry, I used to live in Germany for years and many of my friends there lived like that,” Ilham apologized, and I just dismissed it lightly, completely understood in what kind of environment he had lived on in years.
"It's okay, we lived in different cultures for years, I understand," I said. "And by the way, Dhea is Dhea, and me is me. We are best friends, of course, but we live completely different life, you know.”
Ilham smiled, like he was agreeing my words. “So… why are you still single? I think you’re fine. You’re always fine since I’ve known you back then.”
I almost slapped myself when my heart suddenly fluttered to hear that damned sentence. “What do you mean with me being fine?” I couldn’t stop myself from questioning him that.
“Despite of your tomboyish look back then, I still found that you’re beautiful, even more attractive than the feminine ones,” he answered, as if that answer was a matter of fact that wouldn’t cause any side effect on me. “You’re so confident, you didn’t give a crap from anybody, and it made me feel so small as a boy. Really. And I see you've matured more than fine, so it's hard for me to understand why you're still single."
I stared at him, as his words were hardly processed in my head. As we stopped on the red light, he turned his head to me and then those big eyes bored into mine. I couldn't say anything to him, but at the same time I also couldn't take my eyes off of him. I didn’t know why he said that out of the blue. Was it a confession? A compliment? Or only a flattery for someone whom you hadn’t seen for very long long time?
As we heard a honk from vehicles behind us, Ilham shifted his eyes from me and back on driving. There were only the sound of rain outside, and sometimes the lady on his GPS was stating out the direction to my apartment. It was awkward, and I didn’t know what to say right now.
“Hm… sorry if I made things awkward,” he apologized again, and cleared his throat. "Was I making you uncomfortable?"
"It's not like that," I stated slowly, "But... it sounded so surreal, you know. The things you said earlier. Me? Beautiful? How come?"
"Why? Don't you have a mirror to see that you are beautiful?" he questioned back. And again, he really sounded so sincere and I heard no intention to mock me at all. “But really, you indirectly motivated me to change. After graduating junior high school, I started to open myself more, bravely voicing out my thoughts like the way you did, and then I found more confidence in me.”
What? He just said that I was his motivation? REALLY?!
“And honestly, when I decided to come back here after years to start a new life, I never expected that I would work at the same place with Anton,” Ilham continued. “He said that our classmates in junior high school would have a little reunion and he gave me the lists of you guys who would come tonight. As I saw your name on it, I said yes in instant. I was so ecstatic that I could see you again."
I gaped, totally lost myself in his story—and his close-up handsomeness, of course.
“And then, on my way to that restaurant, I got stuck in the worst traffic that I’ve ever faced in my entire life and—why are you laughing?” he demanded when he saw me giggling like a drunk girl.
“Such a good life you had there in Germany, young man,” I said, patted his arm lightly and I had to agree that his arm was indeed firm like it seen. “But this is Jakarta. That worst traffic is my breakfast and dinner for almost eeeeeeeevery day!”
Ilham made face, didn’t have any comeback to reply my words. “Okay, Jakarta’s senior residence, I'm sorry,” he mocked, and I laughed hard to see him pissed like that. But in the end, he continued nevertheless, “Where were we? Ah, that. When I was stuck in my car, I saw a girl in the bus who was strangely familiar. I saw you in her, but I thought it’s impossible because that girl had a feminine feature and—”
“Hey,” I cut him, before he would go far away with his imagination. “It was me. The girl you saw in the bus was me,”
“It… was you?” Ilham questioned, and got flustered.
Then I mindlessly blabbered about his statement that I saw a lot more feminine than I used to but still that oblivious to comprehend that that girl he'd seen in the bus was me. And we talked about other stuffs such as our (shitty) work, where he lived right now, that he just graduated from his Master degree months ago, how was Germany, how was school, and many things till I finally realized that we're already parked in my apartment parking lot.
I was too immersed into our conversations to realize our position right now: with one hand on the wheel, while his other hand was placed on the back of my seat, his face was so dangerously close to mine. After having some talks, the awkward situation had turned into a more comfortable one, as I also found myself leaned my head on his arm as if it was my personal neck pillow. I thought we already knew that we already invaded our own personal spaces, but none of us intended to pull back.
"I suddenly remember that we never talked this much before," Ilham said, with his eyes still bored to mine, clearly had no intention to look away right now. "Heck, you even almost never noticed me."
"I did notice you, but I just did not socialize with you," I gave him my best witty answer and he had to pinch my cheek so I stopped giving him smart comebacks. "Hey, I know that I'm a lot chubbier than you now, but it doesn't mean that you can pinch my cheeks as you please."
"But you're still beautiful," he stated, a matter of factly.
"You keep saying that I was beautiful and I still am. Are you just teasing me? Because you now look so handsome and awesome so you can step on the chubby me?!" I snapped, now became so suspicious about his compliments.
He just smiled listening to my unstoppable rants. "Now I understand why you're still single. I see that you can't take compliments from a man," he stated. "But thank you anyway, if you see me as a handsome and awesome man now. I'm so flattered."
"Shut up," I said through my gritted teeth, trying to obscure my humiliation because yes, he is words were damn true. "Don't be so full of yourself, you fool. I can ask you the same question. If you're so good with your words, so why the hell are you still single?"
"I used to have no idea," he shrugged, still with that darn smile attached on his lips. "I dated some girls in the past, but I just couldn't find the click in them. But now, I realize, maybe I'm still single because I've been unconsciously waiting for you."
I gawked. "W-what?"
He chuckled. "I just heard a click once I parked here minutes ago," he said, leaning even closer and our faces were only separated by an inch. "That's why I just can't stop talking to you. I find it strange too, but really, I can't help it."
Man, it made me speechless.
"Tomorrow is Saturday, right?" he questioned. Before I could say a word, he continued, "So... how about this handsome and awesome man takes you to stroll around the city tomorrow?"
Like a fool, I questioned him, "Is it a date?"
He laughed so heartily and again, pinched my cheek. "Of course, it's a date! I just heard that damned click from you, Andra. How could I let you go that easily?!"
And believe it or not, we dated each other one month later.
And successfully made a pandemonium.
Andra, 27 years old, finally got herself a boyfriend.
(Chika Manupada, 2016)
Inspired by: PCY
PS. Sorry for grammatical errors.
PSS. Please, do not piracy! The story plot and characters were mine.
Today was very tiring.
I fell asleep in chemistry (again)
No one in our class understands the info
Staying after school with him was nice though.
But then my mom called and kinda ruined it OTL
shower thoughts? nope we don’t have one in the dorm. therefore, toilet thoughts!! i live a life of constipation and it’s not funny. not at all.
kanina i was thinking that even though- okay now i can’t quite remember it. damn. i’ll write it down next time. dammit.
starting from this entry, i’m gonna add what i’m feeling and the date and time!
feeling: forgetful, panuhot
dee & tee: 10/29/15 11:12PM
DEATH AND NEAR DARKNESS foully lurked through the underpass tunnel. It was a pitiful experience, hearing what should have been undead scream out to them in almost rational words. Most of the walkers eventually lost the ability to speak, grumbling unintelligibly but the terror in their twisted faces – it was like an animal backed into a corner with nothing to lose if it fought back. Some looked less human from their own clawing on their faces, ripping off skin and flesh that they were closer to being called undead.
It was almost difficult to pull the trigger.
But the people they encountered within the passage were gone. Beyond help and hope. The two agents, TerraSave member and BSAA medic had to remind themselves and each other that.
Well, only three. Vince had taken the front, shooting down the new form of 'half-undead' without hesitation to push the team further. He had hollered, "We'll be stuck here if we don't shoot our way through! Move!"
It was either the black-eyed zombies or the living. Pick the choices and it'd always be the latter.
After the first few were put down, it felt like it was back to Raccoon City for Leon, Claire and Rebecca. The need to shoot in order to stay alive.
They couldn't stop.
The cluster of Shades, with two or three Darkened ones bursting out from their shallow shells, eventually dispersed deeper in the tunnel.
Another heavy door up ahead and the four went through.
The scene around them mended from grey and red to beautiful dazzlingly blue that the foursome had to take a moment to process the change. The tunnel ceased being made of concrete – being like glass channels at those water attractions where adults and kids could see the marine fish swim by on the other side. The only indication of how far deep the team was at was the printed numbers on the wall. 800 metres below the surface.
