#7.22.18

[alltheselights]

_paul_roberts I have the best memories of our time together rehearsing for this. On this day 5yrs ago is when we first danced all night to the ‘Best Song Ever’. #memories #onedirection #bestsongever #video @mrbenwinston @fulwell73productions

[reaperpainting]

Who is it that really dies when all the people look at me?

[edo-vivendum]

7.22.18

Looking through my study blog, I am just so sad. That world is far away now. My fall classes are going to look so different--that is, if they even happen. IF I do fall classes, I’ll be doing one or two classes. 

At this point, I don’t know how likely that is. There are four weeks between now and August 20th, the day that classes start. I haven’t been following my meal plan for about a week, progressively worse. I don’t know what I’m doing. They challenged my rigidity last week in groups, asking me to add KETCHUP to my meal, and I don’t even know...my response was dramatic, and since then I’ve been falling apart. I reckon they’ll push me back to PHP this week, but I don’t think I want to go back to the PHP location for this program, as they didn’t challenge my rigidity in food choices at all, and I hadn’t realized until that WAS challenged just how big of a thing that was for me. There are essentially 2 other PHP programs near(ish) where I live, and I know one of them serves food there rather than having us bring our own meals--and I think that approach would be really helpful for me to relinquish control. I don’t know how the other program works. 

I think it’s going to be important for me to give up control over what I’m eating, and I think until I do, a certain part of my ED will continue to lurk with me, waiting for the right moment to re-claim full control. Beyond other php programs, I have considered a little bit residential programs. I’m not sure if my current level of struggle is really enough to warrant residential treatment, but I am not sure. At this point I’m just sort of considering potential options. I’m meeting with my therapist tomorrow. 

If I’m being honest, I doubt I’m able to advocate for what I need. I’ll probably just spiral until someone tells me I absolutely need HLOC. But, TBH I am near certain they’re already going to talk to me about it tomorrow unless I come in reporting that I following 90-100% of my meal plan all weekend...which I can unfortunately say is far from what reality has been. 

Well. C’est la vie. I miss school, but if I went back right now, I wouldn’t be attentive and happy to learn--I’d be an anxious mess. 

[lolwatevssssss]

I want to talk about it. About everything that’s been bothering me. About everything that I’ve been keeping in. Lately I’ve been having this heavy feeling that’s weighting me down. I’m so overwhelmed.

[reaperpainting]

These ghosts I keep inside

[reaperpainting]

Hide your face to take your place inside his realm

[edo-vivendum]

tw urges

I went and ate my snack while S was sleeping/resting, and idk why, usually I really really rarely get these urges, but I'm just feeling strong urges to purge and if not that then self harm, but I'm fighting them.

rn I'm laying in bed next to S. I'm not sure if he's asleep or reading over my shoulder as I type tbh lololol but either way if I move to get up to do something stupid he'd notice so I am stuck here, which is good.

blah.

[reaperpainting]

Destiny // who cares