#8-29-19

[backtothestart02]

Animal selfies at the zoo!!

[vampirequeeer]

3 good things a day

- had breakfast! and friend gave me the best kind of donut this morning!

- pa day!

- vic finally got the part! and also is cute

- aaaah finally got all of escapism done and studied chords and got a real nice cheat sheet made for tomorrow (even tho it WONT PRINT)

[its123am]

8-29-19 (Thursday)

[nevada1949]

so i’m gonna vent here cause i literally have no one to talk to it’s been 3 days since i got back “home” and my energy + the energy of the house feels so ‪stagnant‬ and it amplifies by the time i go to sleep and just the darkest thoughts plague my mind about how my life have been for the past 5 years and how stuck it is on this never ending loop and how i try to be positive and tell myself that better days are coming yet they never do and i get really suicidal and think about how i’m starting college next week even tho i know i’ll never be able to do what i want to do (act, write, make films, dance, make art) how i’m such a disappointment to myself how all of my teenage years were wasted on being depressed and anxious and sad and insecure and scared all the time and how all my friends who are my age achieved so many things and met so many people and then there’s me just a waste of space i sleep all the time and when i wake up i’m just on my phone trying to find an escape from my bitter reality, i have no self esteem sometimes i hate to look at the fucking mirror, like i said before this place triggers so many unpleasent feelings and that’s why i don’t want to be here i don’t want to drag the people i love into my misery but i can’t. i can’t leave. and the sad thing is i don’t have anyone literally no one to talk to and share our problems together because there’s no one like me. and every time i try to talk to someone i give more than i recieve which even that doesn’t seem enough to keep them and eventually they leave like the rest. i don’t even fucking care for myself it’s so sad and my mom sees it and it breaks my heart to disappoint her like that. i just don’t know what to do or what to make of this life

i want to do the things i love i want to learn how to dance to start writing to join theatre club but it feels like all the doors are shut on my face

[nevada1949]

i’m starting college next week and my future and my dreams just seem so foggy and so far away and i don’t wanna stay here. goddddd knows i don’t wanna be here

[nevada1949]

my heart is so tired. god please