This has been the longest two months of my life. I've been struggling with intense loneliness, loss, codependency, jealousy, emotional chaos, and financial instability after the actions I took trying to cope with the aforementioned. There was a brief period for about two weeks that I was in denial about everything and did whatever I wanted, regardless of the consequences. I was getting high everyday with a friend I made in a friendship with a foundation of loneliness. I thought that at least we could be lonely together, until he found somebody else to make him feel less lonely. Without realizing it, I was such a wreck in that time that I couldn't even think straight. Two months later I'm still financially struggling and emotionally a fucking trainwreck. I'm struggling the get my life back together while at the same time trying to also move forward. Trying to get a new job, which regardless of how much I financially and mentally have to, it's also necessary to avoid a person I have to cut off. Also in a rush to move my things out of my dads house into my storage unit which I have to upgrade to fit my things into, which having only had it for nine months, I've been late on my monthly payment three times now. I lost somebody very important to me and tried to fill her place with somebody I honestly never should have been friends with in the first place, and I invested EVERY bit of emotional and mental energy I had in him to be thrown aside just enough that I still feel incredibly guilty for ending our friendship that I should have a month before I initially tried to. Looking at his face everyday brings me back to the spot I started at a month and a half ago. The pain only continues. I regret the last two months. I regret letting him into my life. I regret putting myself in a position that I had to hold onto somebody like that again. I regret a mistake that I made, knowing I would later regret. I regret putting that empty space between us in the only meaningful friendship I have left. I truly regret this. I have so few regrets because I know I learn and grow from my mistakes but this mistake that I spent so long making has been killing me and its temporarily ruined my life. Putting him in that role in my life has ruined me. He knew I was in pain and did nothing to help, knowing he was the only one who could help.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all my friends I've abandoned. I'm sorry to my family that I neglect. I'm sorry to myself. Most of all, I'm sorry to my dad. Who I've kept at an arms length for the last nine years when all he's gone is give me everything he can and all I do is take from him. I'm sorry for letting one mistake nine years ago ruin our relationship. I'm sorry and I'll try harder. I'm sorry.
