#8.4.2018

[xxdying-lightxx]

I was hoping that this would be a good weekend but that's not happening. Parents are fighting again. A lot of obscenities have been thrown from both sides. I'm legit thinking of moving out tonight. Yeah, they'd but upset but my mental strength right now is waning... Kids, don't drink if you get angry easily. It's a formula for unnessecary hatred and angst.

Right now, all I hear coming from upstairs is that mom screaming, dad doing the same. I know someone got hit and I know someone threw something... I don't know if I can do this for another four years... College doesn't seem so worth it if I have to come back to this... If they're going to fight, I don't want to be here.

At least I have a job so I can try and save up so I can go away begin my life without their tortuous shadow...

[ignis-et-equi]

I bought myself a new bag that should be here on Monday. I’ve been needing a new one for a while. My old one is starting to get holes in it, the zipper tabs have broken off, and it has a few stains. My ex bought it for me about 2 years ago, so I think it’s time to move on. Kinda been purging myself of him as I go through my stuff and find little things here and there that’d I’d forgotten about amidst the chaos of moving to and from New York.

Also plan on getting this beautifully purple luggage set, probably with my next check in a couple of weeks. For someone who traveled 12,000 miles in one year, I actually don’t own a single suitcase. Kinda really excited about buying my first one. Also, fun fact, if you’re traveling overseas, it’s not uncommon to have two free checked bags on the plane.

[godsnameisjoy]

8 April 2018

39 minutes at bedtime

It was easy for me to complete the session. I barely dipped into the shallow subconscious in the entire session. Last night, I never reached the deep subconscious and it had everything to do with a conspicuous lack of god thought through the entire day yesterday.

Sundays and other holidays have an effect on our schedules and therefore our minds. Our conscious mind picks up things through a waking holiday, that are unusual. The weekday mind stuff is the usual. Am not complaining here. Just saying that we are dealing with different animals when we meditate at morning vs at bedtime vs weekday vs weekend. At bedtime after a restaurant dinner is a different mind than a regular after home made dinner kind of meditation !

Funny thing is that one doesn’t realise how markedly different one is, by the hour, unless one takes the effort to watch. And meditation 🧘‍♀️ is a well thought out method to observe the mind. Meditation gives that vantage point where you can view most of your mind. As you grow as a meditator, the vantage point shifts and covers more of your mind and you can see how infinite your own mind is. That’s when you experience the first pangs of wanting to grow beyond your natural ability to weave dreams.

Godspeed us !

[einfach-stark-bleiben]

Jemand der genau weiß wie man ist, wie anstrengend und stur man sein kann, wie eifersüchtig und dumm man sein kann. Der weiß wie du aussiehst wenn du lachst und wenn du weinst. Alle Phasen und Launen von dir kennt und trotzdem bei dir bleibt.

Der deinen Charakter und deine Vergangenheit kennt aber dich trotzdem liebt und unterstütz, ist mehr als nur "jemand". Es ist der Mensch den wir alle brauchen. Der uns halt gibt, der zeigt das es sich lohnt zu kämpfen und das es ok ist, wie man ist. Der an einem glaubt und da ist, wenn wir wieder eine unserer tiefs haben. Der einem bei strömenden Regen den Regenschirm in die Hand drückt, sich mit dir darunter stellt und sagt "komm wir gehen zusammen nach hause."

Me.

[einfach-stark-bleiben]

Wenn man nicht nachdenkt, dann hahaha als ob...

Me.

[einfach-stark-bleiben]

Ich: Kann sein das du sie siehst. Kann aber auch sein das du sie nicht siehst.

M: Kann sein das ich ihr eine rein hau, wenn ich sie seh. *smiles*

[einfach-stark-bleiben]

Fuck what they think.

Lets get happy.

[juckt-mich-einfach-nicht]

Was macht man, wenn man sein eigener größter Feind ist?

Me