#8:18pm

[l0st-inluxury]

Ready 4 bed

[ajyal-azez]

ماذا يثير النَّاس لو سِرنا على ضوء النهار

وحملتُ عنكِ حقيبة اليد والمظلَّة

وأخذتُ ثغرك عند زاوية الجدار

وقطفتُ قُبلَة.

-محمود درويش

[serotonina-kf5]

Me duele la existencia, me duele el corazón.

[ajyal-azez]

لي رغبةً بمعانقتك الأن

والاحتماء بدفء صدرك

والتلذذ بصوت انفاسك

فهي سكينتي، وسكنى لِقلبي، وهدوء تام لِروحي.

مطولاً أقبل فمك، حتى أرى طرف ابتسامتك

فا أسكن الخد بالخد، وأقبل مرسم العنق

وأحلّ خيوط ليلك بفتح أزرار قميصك، الواحدًا تلو الآخر،

وألمح ضياء صدرك يطل على ساحة وجهي فا ابتسم،

وأعلن ارتطام خدي به، متذوقه عطر صدرك، سارحةٌ بنبض قلبك،

مارة بيدي حول خاصرتك لِتلتف بك،

متمنيةً من تلك اللحظة أن تطول كشيئ أزلي باقي

لايعرف رؤى الخيال قط.

.

[the-things-i-wish-i-could-say]

Don’t we love a good math exam completely degrading my sense of self worth and leaving me dissociating all day because my whole life I’ve been told I was smart and when I got to university and started failing, I started losing that part of myself. But as that’s who and what I’ve been my whole life, if I lose that part of myself, who am I?

I didn’t want this! I didn’t wanna go to school for this! But I was told to “choose something to start and you’ll figure it out”, but I don’t seem to be allowed for a lot of changing my mind and self discovery.

TW: suicide

Hot fucking take: school, at any level, should 👏 not 👏 make 👏you 👏want👏 to 👏kill 👏yourself. Never thought I’d have to clap that one out but here we are

I’m just so tired, and fucking done with all this bullshit that I never wanted in the first place. Yeah life isn’t fair and it’s hard, but I’ll say it again, the toughness of life shouldn’t make you legitimately want to die, sorry boomer, it’s just true ;)

[sadnessteph]

Y un día sin pensarlo, mis canciones de amor, tomaron sentido.

[closetgremlin]

OH I got distracted while drawing Basil, I gotta draw my gal!

[diaries-of-a-hopeless-soul]

Entry #52: July 17th, 2019 (8:18pm)

I keep getting these emails from my school about my course schedule since I'm transferring into this program so I have different requirements than others. It's kinda stressing me out even though I'm gonna dead before school even starts. But I've gotta make it seem like normal to my parents anyway so it kinda works out. Though I don't even know why I'm trying, it's all a waste anyway. School is a waste on me. Give it to someone in the world who can't afford it, someone who actually wants to learn so they can try to make a difference. It's not like anything will change anyway though. It's all a waste, like me. I mean, at the rib fest my fam and I went to a few weeks ago for example; when my dad was paying for the parking ticket he ran into this nice family who only spoke French. My dad calls me over. I'll spare the embarrassing details, but I could barely translate how to purchase a parking ticket to them. Ten years in French immersion and I can barely do that. My dad even commented on it, jokingly. Ten years my parents put into my education to give me a better chance in life and I could barely help that family. I want to help people in life and I couldn't even properly be a translator for a simple issue. That's more proof that my life is a complete waste.

School is pointless for me but I'm still somehow stressing about something as simple as making a schedule for myself as though I'm actually gonna live for it.

My parents are also talking about going to Quebec in a couple weeks. My mom and I were looking for a hotel earlier today. Luckily there weren't any rooms available for the two weeks my dad took off from work. I'm hoping this trip won't happen so it won't feel like a waste for them later.