Discover Top Posts Tagged with #9.19.18

Hey darling, how are things going? How is PHP? How are you?

hey hey, thanks for asking. Sorry I’ve been so absent on here. I’ve honestly had internet access the entire time, but I’ve just gotten used to not being on my phone so much (which is what I used to use for tumblr), and I’ve taken up journeling A LOT which leaves less space for long rambly tumblr posts... not to say I won’t be back in full force at some point, but for now it’s likely I’ll be a little more distant on here.

Anyways, for an update. I don’t want to give anyone a false report of how I’m doing. I’m not going to sugar-coat it. I am really, really struggling in PHP. After leaving res, my ED voice got super loud.

In program, I’m mostly managing the food, but I have had 2 refusals and 5(?) supplements (for portions of meals not entire meals)... which sounds like a lot when I write it out, but today was the eighth day I’ve been in program, and we have 2 meals every single day, plus 1-2 snacks, so that also means more than half of the time I can finish everything without supplementing or refusing. The refusals really came from an issue that’s now been worked out... I supplemented those days, and I didn’t trust the supplement portions bc they seemed wayyyy more than what we were getting in res, but it turns out in res they used boost plus and here they use regular boost, so that makes a lot of sense....so ideally I won’t get another refusal.

Out of program, I am struggling. I have had my full breakfast every single day, but I struggle with AM snacks and PM snacks. Sunday is our day off of program, and that didn’t really go so well either. I’m planning on having my PM snack tonight though, bc I know that if I have it then I will be giving my healthy self a win which will make me feel a little more hopeful, and it’s way easier for me to fight my ED when I’m hopeful.

Emotionally, I have been a wreck. I’ve been crying a lot in program, out of program, everywhere really. It’s hard.

Physically, things were pretty great when I left res (besides hip pain when I walk more than a mile at once... which is not normal but whatever). Like, all my hunger/fullness cues seemed fairly normal, but since leaving res those are no longer a thing bc I have managed to disregulate them by missing snacks. My heart palpitations have gotten more frequent, and I’m considering going to a cardiologist. I also fear I might’ve messed up my sodium levels again (which was a problem when I was in res), as Sunday when I wasn’t in program I was drinking A TON of water which is something bad I do when I’m being a disordered fuck and Monday (and since then, but decreasingly so) I’ve felt the same symptoms I felt in res when my sodium was low (excessive thirst mostly, but the heart palpitations could also be related). Anyways, today was fine physically, so I’m hoping I’ll scare myself into not doing dangerous disordered things anymore but I don’t even know bc Sunday I knew what I was doing I just felt self-destructive and didn’t care. Right now I do care though. Blah.

I’m just taking things moment by moment and trying not to let one moment determine the next, as I know I’m struggling a lot but if I let the moments of struggle weigh me down I’ll never be able to take the next step forward.

#longggg update #tw #tw behavior mentions #personal #9.19.18 #ask #anon #Anonymous

"Time And People"

Why don't people understand that some people do like the concept of "people", but aren't comfortable physically being around most people? People who like watching and studying people (in a non-creepy manner😊) from a distance, but who experience massive anxiety with the prospect, or encounter, of engaging with, or being seen by, people? It sucks sometimes being a socially anxious introvert...it's like no one quite gets it....and trying to explain it makes it more confusing...which just makes it worse.😞(9.19.18)

#source:missinvisibleandco #365 photo challenge #social anxiety #tumblr rant #introvert #time and people #life #random #grandfather clock #original photographer on tumblr #9.19.18 #b&w photography #things i notice #the way i see the world #details

Worlds.

After getting lost in love and having lost love,

I’m finding my way back to me.

I need to remind myself I’m right where I’m meant to be,

even if that means it’s not with you.

In giving you my world, I deprived myself of mine.

I uproot the trees I so carefully planted before you came along,

transplanted them so that we could sit together under the shade;

that’s where I thought we belonged.

But when I returned back to my world, I found myself running low on oxygen.

It became harder to breathe. And every fight we had left me with unease.

Every night, I wanted to dive into the sea of you,

but instead, I found myself drowning in the silence of us.

It’s ironic, I never felt more distant, than when we were lying in bed.

Our bodies two feet apart,

yet all I could detect was the numbing of our hearts,

bleeding, pulsing

for a love we so desperately yearned,

for a love we thought we had earned,

for a love we felt we gave to one another,

but never received in return.

How do you ask for a love you didn’t know how to give yourself?

How do you give a love you haven’t lived out yourself?

Do we still build a world together

even if that means lighting mine on fire,

just to keep us warm?

Was the desire to be with you so strong,

that I’d rather feel lonely with you, than learn how to be alone?

#poetry #9.19.18 #spoken word #one day

9.19.18

I just wrote my therapist from residential the most babbly email EVER. Like seriously it’s like 6 paragraphs at least. I almost copied the whole thing and posted it on here because I didn’t want to bother her.... just like I would NEVER send that to my home therapist even though I’ve known her for a long time and she knows me super super well... wouldn’t want to bother her while she’s not working. I don’t know. I feel guilty. But it’s an email--she doesn’t have to respond or even talk to me again bc I’m never going to see her again, whereas my at-home therapist is going to see me again. I’m not sure. I’m overanalyzing the fuck out of this and it’s super unnecessary. I’m going to go to sleep lol.

#personal #9.19.18