#9.19.21

[rubylioness]

😳

[batmads-ao3]

[illuminatedpopcorn]

[myemotionsandstuff]

Oh man. The last couple days have been wild.

9.16.21

I worked 4a-1230p. Came home drove to the airport (2hours away) flew to Seattle, swapped planes and flew to Boise. Helped my Sister-in-law with some errands and got to a hotel around 11:15-11:30pm. Then went to bed.

9.17.21

Got up at 6am, got ready and at 7am, started to drive SIL uhaul back home (she was moving to where we now live). The check engine light came on so we had to stop and figure that out, which took about an hour. It was a minor issue and we were able to get back on the road. We drove a pretty long way and then stopped for gas, which is when I locked the keys in the uhaul. It took us about 2 hours, an off duty police officer and two passing construction workers to get the door open and get the keys. We got back on the road, with a couple more stops I needed to do, then finally got home about 7:30pm. What should have been an 8 hour drive, was a 12 and 1/2 hour drive and I was pooped. I got to see wife and baby and spend a little time with them before bed, so I could get up for work the next morning.

9.18.21

Yesterday was a long one, I worked 6a-2:30p then went home. When I got home wife was already down for a nap so I didn’t get to see her. Baby and I had a pretty good afternoon though, went for a walk, played, all the good stuff. Around dinner time I tried to wake wife up but she wasn’t ready to get up so baby and I ate dinner with the rest of the family, then baby took a bath. Oh and baby pooped in the bath, again, and it was a whole production to get her out and get the tub clean, again. She’s been pooping in the bathtub almost every time I give her a bath lately, and honestly it’s getting old.

After that, we woke up wife and spent a little time together, but then SIL made a rude comment to wife and wife got upset. We finished the night and put baby to bed, while I was reading baby a book, something happened in the living room. When I came out wife stormed past me into our room. I got frustrated because I just wanted wife to have some social interaction and spend some time out of our room. However, she didn’t want to come out and didn’t want to eat the meal I prepared for her in the kitchen. So instead I got her water, a snack and got my things together and went to the bedroom with her. We folded some laundry then just watched Netflix. We ended up talking about the day a little and she came and snuggled with me as we looked at pictures I had taken of baby.

I laid there with my arm around her and just felt like the luckiest person in the world. I thought about how no matter what happens and what we go through, I love this woman with every fiber of my being. Life is hard, depression is stressful, and our living situation isn’t ideal, but the constant thing in my world is how incredibly much I love my wife and nothing will change that.

9.19.21

This is today, and I’m writing this as I sit at work and think about everything that has been happening lately and how crazy life is. I was thinking about the love languages and how I think acts of service has got to be one of my biggest love languages, because of how much I really do enjoy serving others, especially my wife. I love to be able to be the constant in her world that will help her no matter the situation and I won’t let anything change that.

I love you wife. I love you with every fiber of my being.

[truc0nfessionz]

I hear you saying that you feel that I say that everything is your fault. That all of our problems is your fault. I don’t want that to be the case. With that in mind I only want to speak about what’s happening with me and not be focused on what you do or have done. For me our situation puts me in a very bad emotional situation. I feel constantly triggered, I feel ready to attack and for some reason and it within a few words that you say to me that’s where I get. I don’t want that to be the case for us I don’t want that to be the case for me. I want peace, I want solitude. The situation is not adding to my peace. And while it was difficult not to speak to you yesterday, the peace in my heart that I felt not arguing, made me think this might be the right decision. Neither of us deserve the stress that the situation passes through. I’m not angry with you and I don’t want to fight. I just want to be happy. I don’t know that the situation has made either of us happy recently. But I don’t want to be the person who is constantly in a fight or flight mode. I don’t want to feel like I constantly need to attack and you shouldn’t feel that you’re constantly on the defensive. Thats not the right state of peace for either of us.

I feel like I need to make my boundaries clear with you. And when I say something, I need to hold myself accountable for it. That’s one thing I don’t believe those pathways. And I feel it’s influencing me to be less accountable for my word by dealing with this back-and-forth. So when I said I wasn’t going to answer your calls yesterday, I really meant it I had to hold you to that and when you said you weren’t going to message me I believe you. It looks like only one of us were actually true to our word but I see that that might be how it Hass to be now. I don’t know if you have the capacity to keep your word but it’s not on me to figure that out. 

[purenumbers]

9/19/21

9 * 1 / 9 = 2 - 1

Also:

√9 = 1 * √9 = 2 + 1

Also:

√(3 + 1^9) = 2 * 1

[briefsoulsuit]

Alternate reality Dreams fuck me up the worse because our grasp on reality is already tenuous at best and non existent at worst.

Tho thanks for last night being a "all things positive" Dream. The "we support your mental health issues" was much needed.

Screaming I don't wanna go back and being told I have to was disheartening.