It’s Gonna Be Ok

[myemotionsandstuff]

“You know how last night I said I have a lot of shipping and work to do? And you didn’t even wake me up? I didn’t even plug in my phone last night!”

I legit don’t understand how this is on me.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Me: “Hey how was your day?”

Wife: “Uh, I’d really like to sit in quiet for a bit.”

[myemotionsandstuff]

Also the other day when I lost my ring, I got home and wife was 100% different in person that she had been over text all day. She was totally fine, she had made phone calls to look into getting another ring and to help me replace the one that I lost.

So the actions that I saw and the insane amount of depression that I dealt with that day, was nothing I was supposed to worry about because you were fine and had no real issues.

while I sat all day believing that you were consumed by rage and couldn’t tell me you loved me, you were unable to communicate with me and reassure me that it was going to be ok. But now it’s all ok because you weren’t actually as upset as you made it seem..

I’m so tired

[myemotionsandstuff]

I’m so so tired. So tired. I don’t have friends. I don’t have people to talk to and my wife, well apparently I don’t love her well enough.

“This isn’t a new feeling, it’s the same feeling I have around dar. I’m unwanted. The only one who really cares about me, is me”

“And it’s like, cool. My basic needs are met. Thanks everyone. But I need more than that.”

She talks about me leaving the bedroom at night, well it’s because the kid is in the bed and I just want a little space. She talks about me not sending good morning texts, well when did I get a response. When did I get a good morning back.

You see, when she looks at me and I’m trying so hard to deal with my demons inside and the shit that she doesn’t see, and she just adds more on top by telling me I’m not enough. Oh man that really makes it worse.

And the best part, I can’t talk to her about it. I can’t tell her that I don’t get enough. I can’t tell her that the silly kiss, that she almost didn’t give me yesterday, was the last one I remember getting in the last months.

How am I supposed “to make you feel wanted” when, whenever I try I’m rejected and told not to touch you? I really don’t get it.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Oh and to top it all off you leave me on read for an hour when I told you I love you, then respond immediately when I tell you I got rejected for a loan.

Priorities?

[myemotionsandstuff]

Wow.. not even gonna look at the last time I wrote stuff down because, honestly I was just gonna delete this whole page because I feel like I only end up writing down the negatives of my life but.. here we are again.

This morning I accidentally threw my wedding ring out of my window when I was throwing out a small piece of banana. My ring was too big, I knew this but I still wore it any way, so I guess in the end of the story this is my own fault.

As soon as the ring left my finger I started to cry. I feel like there is little to no chance that I find it and it means the world to me. I turned around and searched the highway bridge at 5:30 in the morning in some sort of hope that I would find it. I didn’t. I almost got hit by cars, and I froze my ass off.

So afterwards I text wife and let her know. Tell her that I am upset. That I am frustrated. And all I get back is “this isn’t my fave thing to wake up to” so now in all of my own personal misery, I get to console you for making you feel bad by telling you about the bad thing that happened to me. As always, some how things come back to be about you. I am crying, I am hurting, but now I am consoling you instead of being consoled.

Thank you, for somehow making my mistake and accident that I feel like shit about already, now about you and making me feel any worse.

Oh ps, then you said, “Happy 7 year date-I-versary” to really drive the nail in.

[myemotionsandstuff]

“I just wish I could have a day to myself so I could relax and nap and just recharge. Just me.”

Lol me too dude. I wish I had more than 1 day off a month but it’s all good 🤦‍♂️

[myemotionsandstuff]

Today.. I am sad, mad, and jealous.

Last night I found out wife is taking her brother to Comic-Con tomorrow. We have discussed cheaper gifts this year due to having no money and things so, this is already a much larger gift than we had planned. Also, it was not discussed with me at all until after the fact.

I have mentioned many times about how I would love to attend and I guess that has fallen on deaf ears.

I guess I am also upset that, not only do I not get to go, I have to work. It’s all I do. I don’t feel like I get to do the fun activities, or spend the hard earned money on myself. I feel like I work my ass off so others can have things and do things, while I go to work and spend my life working.

Idk. It just doesn’t seem like anyone else understands the fact that their suggestion of “just call in sick and you can go instead of wife” is so stupid because, then next week we will have less money because my income is the only one and it’s already not enough.

I didn’t proof read this or anything so whenever I read it again I’m sure it will just sound like rambling. Who cares. Not like my opinion holds any weight any way.

[myemotionsandstuff]

It’s been a little while, not sure how long but too long.

The other day wife said that she feels like I’m “over it” referring to the depression. It couldn’t be farther from the truth, but I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m working every day and financially it’s never going to be enough.

Some days I come home from working for 8 hours, just to work 8 more at home it seems. I don’t feel valued. I don’t get breaks. I get home, I shower, then I need to do whatever needs to be done at home. Maybe that’s just what life is I don’t know. I can’t close my eyes for more than a blink for fear that I’m going to fall asleep. I am drinking 5-10 cups of coffee a day minimum to make it through.

She says she doesn’t feel supported when MIL makes comments like, “if you need help then you can bring the laundry back and i will help fold it,” because most days I am the one that has to fold the laundry at the end of the day.

Every day for the next few weeks is scheduled for her to have time to do things once I get off work, which means I’m getting off work, coming home and doing everything at home, be it laundry, dinner, grocery shopping, whatever.

I don’t know how to respond when she says she doesn’t feel supported because I don’t know how to support her better. She doesn’t want to talk to me about it pretty much at all because “the conversation just goes round and round” and nothing changes, but when I ask what I can/need to do differently, she doesn’t have an answer and neither do I.

I’m so tired of feeling worthless, when I feel like I do everything that I can.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Tonight you couldn’t even say you loved me.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Haven’t really posted much on the last few days…

When I do post I just feel like I’m complaining and writing it down and that it’s all negative. I try to write down the good things but then I feel like I’m not living in the moment with those things by having to write them down. Idk. Journaling (?) is a strange thing and I’m still trying to understand it but I do want to keep at it.

Wife has been having some good days lately. Saw the dr and got some things changed which is good and I really hope it helps her. She has started trying to clean up her area in our room, between her stuff and the baby stuff it’s a lot but she’s doing great. Baby is a genius. She has been learning so many words. She has been eating off a plate without throwing the plate off her highchair much more which is just a giant plus. So it’s been a nice few days.

The thing that sucks right now is money and the lack of friendships. I have.. 2 people in my life that I think are my legitimate friends. Logan and Mouse.

Logan is usually busy and we used to play a lot of games together which hasn’t happened in monthsssss but we still talk pretty frequently but our talks haven’t been as deep as they used to be, maybe because we are farther apart and talk less, who knows.

Mouse has always been there for me and always will. No subject is off limits. They just get me on the strangest level. I think I miss the time of our close friendship and hanging out most of all, especially lately, but it was so amazing to be able to reach out to them and be on the same level instantly. I honestly think that they know me better than anyone else except wife.

Other than the two of them I don’t think I really have any friends. I saw a post on redit that said:

“I don't remember the precise definitions, basically there 3 kinds of friends.

1. ⁠Friends of Convenience - People who regularly have to be at the same place as you at the same time. i.e. Work friends.

2. ⁠Friends of Habit: People who enjoy the same hobbies or activities as you. Gym buddies, bar buddies, etc.

3. ⁠Actual Friends: People who you like and who like you back, and more importantly will seek out your company even if they have to go out of their way to do so.”

Going by these three definitions, I have two friends in the world out of all 3 categories and they both are under #3. I wouldn’t consider anyone that I work with even Friends of Convenience yet. I mean I started here about two months ago but still. I have absolutely no Friends of Habit because I don’t even kind of have the time to have hobbies or do activities enough to meet people. And Actual Friends.. between moving, covid, and having a baby everyone else in my life would have been sorted into one of the first two categories, if they were still around at all.

So coming to that realization has been pretty difficult for me today and probably in the recent past too, with having no one to talk/vent to.

Oh well, back to work I go. Improvise, adapt, overcome. Or something like that idk I’m not a marine.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Oh man. The last couple days have been wild.

9.16.21

I worked 4a-1230p. Came home drove to the airport (2hours away) flew to Seattle, swapped planes and flew to Boise. Helped my Sister-in-law with some errands and got to a hotel around 11:15-11:30pm. Then went to bed.

9.17.21

Got up at 6am, got ready and at 7am, started to drive SIL uhaul back home (she was moving to where we now live). The check engine light came on so we had to stop and figure that out, which took about an hour. It was a minor issue and we were able to get back on the road. We drove a pretty long way and then stopped for gas, which is when I locked the keys in the uhaul. It took us about 2 hours, an off duty police officer and two passing construction workers to get the door open and get the keys. We got back on the road, with a couple more stops I needed to do, then finally got home about 7:30pm. What should have been an 8 hour drive, was a 12 and 1/2 hour drive and I was pooped. I got to see wife and baby and spend a little time with them before bed, so I could get up for work the next morning.

9.18.21

Yesterday was a long one, I worked 6a-2:30p then went home. When I got home wife was already down for a nap so I didn’t get to see her. Baby and I had a pretty good afternoon though, went for a walk, played, all the good stuff. Around dinner time I tried to wake wife up but she wasn’t ready to get up so baby and I ate dinner with the rest of the family, then baby took a bath. Oh and baby pooped in the bath, again, and it was a whole production to get her out and get the tub clean, again. She’s been pooping in the bathtub almost every time I give her a bath lately, and honestly it’s getting old.

After that, we woke up wife and spent a little time together, but then SIL made a rude comment to wife and wife got upset. We finished the night and put baby to bed, while I was reading baby a book, something happened in the living room. When I came out wife stormed past me into our room. I got frustrated because I just wanted wife to have some social interaction and spend some time out of our room. However, she didn’t want to come out and didn’t want to eat the meal I prepared for her in the kitchen. So instead I got her water, a snack and got my things together and went to the bedroom with her. We folded some laundry then just watched Netflix. We ended up talking about the day a little and she came and snuggled with me as we looked at pictures I had taken of baby.

I laid there with my arm around her and just felt like the luckiest person in the world. I thought about how no matter what happens and what we go through, I love this woman with every fiber of my being. Life is hard, depression is stressful, and our living situation isn’t ideal, but the constant thing in my world is how incredibly much I love my wife and nothing will change that.

9.19.21

This is today, and I’m writing this as I sit at work and think about everything that has been happening lately and how crazy life is. I was thinking about the love languages and how I think acts of service has got to be one of my biggest love languages, because of how much I really do enjoy serving others, especially my wife. I love to be able to be the constant in her world that will help her no matter the situation and I won’t let anything change that.

I love you wife. I love you with every fiber of my being.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Today.. fuck today and fuck yesterday too.

Yesterday, long day worked in the morning came home to wife having a nap and baby waking up from hers before I could even shower. Thankfully MIL helped with baby so I could shower. Later on after dinner baby pooped in the bath, again. While I was cleaning up I spilled bleach on the bathroom rug which is irreplaceable because it’s not made any more, so that process has been great. While putting baby to bed, she bit wife twice while eating which upset wife and when I came out she was crying and told me, “there’s nothing you can do I just want to be alone.” Then I picked a scab and bled through my shorts onto the sheets and we needed to change the sheets. Just kind of a one thing after another night. Not a great night.

Today while at work, I get texts with wife upset because yesterday I complained to MIL that I was tired and had wanted a nap. These texts went on for a while with wife talking about how bad her day was. Then I got a text that I don’t think I’ll ever forget, “Lucky. I literally want to die today but I’m happy that we are so concerned about you taking a nap.” Which just really hit hard because, while she is talking about “no one caring about what she needs” as I am struggling to do everything I can to help her pretty much all day every day right now. It’s basically all I think about, all the time, besides baby and what she needs.

What is even worse is that I feel like all I do is work and try to help wife right now and no one cares what or how I’m doing. Unless I snap at someone no one asks what’s going on with me or how I am doing. I can’t tell you when the last time someone asked how my day was or what I did today. It just really sucks and makes me feel shitty. It feels like if all attention isn’t on her and trying to help her, then she doesn’t think that no one is thinking about it or cares.

Just sucks and I’m tired of feeling tired, and sad. I’m both mentally and physically exhausted.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Yesterday was amazing.

Wife and I went and spent some time together at the outlet mall a few hours away and got to have dinner and just relax and enjoy each others company, it was long overdue.

On the drive we got to talk about so many things, and it was such a breath of fresh air that we both needed. We talked about depression and how it’s affecting both of us. I got to tell her how it has made me feel and she acknowledged that, I don’t know if she knew before or not but it was really helpful. We talked about living situation issues with MIL. We just talked about how smart and wonderful baby is. We talked about her little temper tantrums she’s getting, when she doesn’t get her way, and how we want to deal with them together. We talked about teaching her to jump. We talked about conspiracy theories and science. We talked about covid and how it affects us right now.

We just got to talk, and it was so so nice.

I love wife so much that it hurts sometimes. I hate not being able to help her, but I’m learning with her and doing everything that I can to help her. I just had such a great day.

[myemotionsandstuff]

I’m so tired. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of never feeling good enough. I’m tired of feeling like I do everything wrong no matter how hard I try.

Today was a lot for me. I went to work and it was a difficult day. People calling in, showing up late, and me being new still combined and just made it a difficult day. I voiced some of this to wife today and she didn’t really seem to care, and never asked any questions or followed up about it. However, no one ever really asks me how my days are unless I’m frustrated or angry or have an attitude, so there’s nothing really new there.

After getting home MIL asked if we were going to the beach and wife said, “probably not baby doesn’t need any more sun today.” So I went and took a shower. After my shower, wife immediately went to do her homework and just left me and baby with no game plan, just disappeared. I then find out that she had been planing on going to the beach all day and then because I went to take a shower we didn’t go.. I’m still not sure how I am the reason we didn’t go to the beach but I feel like that is my fault too.

Baby and I went for a walk and that was ok, I cried a bit but it was ok. Then we came home and worked on dinner. Baby and I were the only ones home and we don’t have a lot of practice making a meal alone, so that was very difficult. Wife came out right before we started eating and realized that I had used my MIL’s beans which contain lard which we don’t eat. I got really frustrated with myself because I don’t normally mess up and not read the labels on food. So I ruined dinner and wife was visibly upset, but said that it was fine and she just didn’t eat.

The rest of the evening was mediocre. I ended up taking baby on a bike ride and we had a pretty good time I think.

After getting home wife hasn’t really said anything to me unless it was about baby or in a conversation with baby. We took baby to bed, after I came out wife is in bed with her glasses on and the blankets pulled all the way up. I tired to talk to her, tried to ask her questions and all I got was an attitude and told to stop asking questions. She said I could stay in the room if I could stop talking to her, if not to leave.

So here I am. Sitting on the couch, writing in my “diary,” trying not to cry, and wondering. What could I have done better today? How could I have helped wife better today? How can I help wife’s depression today? Am I struggling with depression? Does anyone even care? Should I get a job traveling? I might not ever be home but at least I can support wife and baby better.. maybe they will be happier if I’m gone all the time.

[myemotionsandstuff]

The last couple days have been an emotional roller coaster.

Wife was able to get in to see her new doctor which is really good. Got her on a new med so hopefully we can help her better.

While we are transitioning to the new med I expect some things to be a little more up and down than normal but that’s ok. I am doing my best to work with wife through everything.

Yesterday I sat down with my mother in law and told her that something that she said the night before really upset me and that I had been thinking about it all day so I felt like I needed to voice my concern. She listened and seemed to recieve the criticism well. This was kind of difficult for me because with us living in her house, I feel intimidated sometimes when it comes to voicing my feelings because I don’t want to upset her and throw our living situation off. However, I’m glad I did it because I stood up for my wife, and I need to be better about doing that in the moment but doing it at all is better than not.

Hmmm, good things happened this week too and I’m going to be better about writing about them too. I took baby to the store with me (which still makes me so so nervous because of covid but that’s something for another time) and she got to meet some of my co workers and they loved her. We had a great time just dad and baby hanging out for the afternoon and we were able to get some special treats for MIL and wife.

Oh and after my fall on 8.29.21 I have been able to ride the bike again! Baby loves the bike so much and I love to hear her yell “GO, GO, GO!” As we go down the hill. I’m getting more endurance I hope. My knee is still bothering me when I walk but I think (hope) it’s getting better.

[myemotionsandstuff]

Today, I feel like I get put on the back burner again. Yesterday I was told the breakfast I wanted to make together would be a priority and they weren’t. So that sucked.

Tonight I need to go to bed at 8 to wake up for work tomorrow at 3 am and wife is in the shower with 6 minutes left and we need to do baby’s night time routine.

I’m just stressed at this point and feel like the things for me just don’t matter.