#96mood

[monographically]

It' odd. I see you everywhere. We're always walking on the same routes. I'm hoping that one day we'll be walking the same in the same direction as well.

[monographically]

He said, "It's like it almost has to be him." I guess I never thought about it like that. But maybe it does. Doesn't it?

[monographically]

It’s always been about you. Whether I’ve realized it or not, the feeling of wanting something more than what little we currently have. I know it’s human nature to want things that we don’t have. But it’s not human nature to not try; to not be capable of exploring the what-ifs.

So why am I so afraid?

[monographically]

Not gonna happen

Don't do it. Everytime you start feeling this way it only ends up hurting you, or worse, him. Rehashing these old memories isn't fair. He doesn't deserve your indecisiveness after all the shit he's been through.

[monographically]

when it comes to you

there are feelings that come and go. they’re more like phases of feelings. but they’ve been happening for what seems like forever. or at least ever since i first met you. can you believe it’s been 10+ years since then? and you probably don’t have the slightest clue about what it’s been like for me all this time. mainly because i haven’t done anything to let you know. hell, at this point i don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore. i wonder. are you worth it anymore? am i worth it anymore? soon i’ll have no more reasons to see you. you’ll be out in the real world finding yourself and a career. meeting new people and forgetting all about the life that existed before adulthood. but i think i’m ready to let it go. or at least i hope i am. letting my feelings and memories fade. it’s funny. i always find myself in these situations when it comes to you.

[monographically]

the thing is..

it was fine when he was dating someone b/c I had a reason to let go of the feelings. but now that he's no longer dating anyone I don't know what to do with myself.

[monographically]

What am I afraid of?

Embarrassing myself. Saying the wrong things. Being too weird or awkward. The list goes on and on. I'm admitting these things in hopes that I'll be able to change them. I've been this way for so long that I don't even realize what I'm doing until the moment has already passed. I go to a school with over 40,000 students. Running into him not once, but twice within a week was very unlikely. But it happened. And I just kept walking. Granted that he probably didn't see me. I say "probably" because I was too afraid to look back in case he ended up noticing that it was me. Why did I keep walking you ask? Honestly, I have no idea. I just couldn't bring myself to say hi. I've known him for so long but it never gets any easier. I know I should have said something. But the fear was so crippling. If he did notice me he probably thought I was purposely ignoring him. I wasn't. Or at least, I didn't want to. I wish it was easier.

[monographically]

To you,

Thanks for coming up to me today. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the new environment and seeing a familiar face was definitely reassuring. You may not have known all of this (and probably never will) but seeing you today was such a trip down memory lane. To think that I've had a crush on you since I was 8 is insane. Sure, we didn't go to the same schools but we did live in the same town for most of our lives. So in a sense, it almost feels like we grew up together. I would see you at random events throughout the years like school plays, track meets, and parties. But it was always just that. Just seeing each other. Passing by but never really connecting. It's been 13 years since my crush on you first developed and I guess it never really went away. You were always on the back of my mind whether I knew it or not and I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to let it go. Circumstances may have changed the 8 year old boy that I once knew, but all those feelings came fleeting back in once we started talking today. I'm not sure if this was meant to be. Fate has its own way of sneaking up on us when we least expect it.