100 Kinds of Living

words, pictures, and just a little bit of everything.🐁 二 blog ✌

[monographically]

“Hit me up another time

Maybe one day I'll change my mind

You know that I just wanna be your friend again

But there's some shit I can't forget

I don't think I'm ready yet...”

- Sasha Sloan; Ready Yet

[monographically]

"She said, 'If you really care for me, you better treat my heart carefully.'"

- Jake Hope; Heartbroke

[monographically]

"I need my current location to be your current location. Fly back to me."

- Lany; Current Location

[monographically]

To you (again),

For (hopefully) the last time. Wow. I can't believe it. You're actually moving away. All these years of wrestling with these feelings on my own. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I always convinced myself that when I couldn't see you anymore would be when my feelings for you would go away. I suppose it's time to test my theory. 14 years is a long time, but I also know that it's not healthy to constantly be feeling this way about someone. I wish you the best in your endeavors. The future is bright. And who knows, maybe our paths will cross again one day.

❤️, m

[monographically]

"The only thing I fear is fear itself. Fear of losing you. Losing everything. Over nothing."

- RKCB; 31/10

[monographically]

12 • 23 • 18

tunes to end the year

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/129319011/playlist/7FG2btltMwLOboRtTLxmAM?si=4UZVshbSQVuz14thpdzVLQ

[monographically]

I'm convinced that I have social anxiety. I know people say that you shouldn't self-diagnose, but it's honestly how I feel. Transferring into an entirely new university last year certainly didn't help either. In fact, I'm sure it has made my anxiety worse. But to be fair, I've always been a shy person. I'm not usually one to start conversations or ask people to hang out. That being said, these last couple of years have spiraled out of control. I don't know why I'm like this but I find myself skipping classes a lot, especially if I know that class is going to make me interact with other students about the lecture material. I tried to talk myself into joining some clubs and being more proactive but I always talk myself out of it with some excuse (or rather, many excuses). I don't know what to do. I have one more semester before I graduate. I want to make new friends and step out of my comfort zone, but even thinking about doing any of that creates anxiety.

[monographically]

Sometimes. It's a lot. And it feels like it just keeps piling on. And you ask, "when will it ever stop?" And I wish I had the answer to that, but I don't. I wish I could give you a time frame in which these feelings you're feeling will go away, but I don't. It's a lot. But one day, you'll look back and you'll realize how far you've come. How much you've grown and changed. One day you'll look back and understand that you had to go through all of the shitty times to get to where you are. And most importantly, above all else, you'll come to love yourself. Without judgement. Without doubt. Just pure personal understanding and appreciation for who you are, flaws and all.

[monographically]

It' odd. I see you everywhere. We're always walking on the same routes. I'm hoping that one day we'll be walking the same in the same direction as well.

[monographically]

I dream of angels, but I live with demons.

[monographically]

He said, "It's like it almost has to be him." I guess I never thought about it like that. But maybe it does. Doesn't it?

[monographically]

It’s always been about you. Whether I’ve realized it or not, the feeling of wanting something more than what little we currently have. I know it’s human nature to want things that we don’t have. But it’s not human nature to not try; to not be capable of exploring the what-ifs.

So why am I so afraid?

[monographically]

I have a tendency to do things that i regret almost immediately.

[monographically]

“Cause I don’t wanna be a letdown. Wish that life would just figure it out for me.”

- CaRter; “Letdown”

[monographically]

Not gonna happen

Don't do it. Everytime you start feeling this way it only ends up hurting you, or worse, him. Rehashing these old memories isn't fair. He doesn't deserve your indecisiveness after all the shit he's been through.

[monographically]

7 • 11 • 18

summer jams pt.1

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/129319011/playlist/7FG2btltMwLOboRtTLxmAM?si=GDfsHcy-Sz-grP0D3HORSg

[monographically]

I hate that I’m so non-confrontational. It really fucking sucks because I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, but in actuality, i’m letting people step all over me. What’s worse is that I’m aware that this is happening, but I still let it continue. I guess I just don’t want to make anybody feel uncomfortable. But why should I be the only one feeling uncomfortable? I hate it. I hate that I’m this way. I really need to grow a backbone.