hello all, kiwi here. or well, jennie mun. i had a lot of thoughts i wanted to put down here. a sort of reflection as someone who's written jennie since 2012.
i started writing her when she was still a trainee and there was barely anything out there of her just yet. i did a lot of freestyling but i ultimately took advantage of the information that was put out against her will. those were all leaked back then and looking back at how the early years of her career played out, the parasocial relationship many of her fans had, she suffered greatly for her privacy being invaded upon on multiple occasions. on top of that, she was a minor during all this.
with the release of ruby, i'm starting to understand her relationship to idolhood a little better. i've listened to the album almost exclusively for the past two weeks (i streamed it so much i got the freebie photocard spotify was offering from that 7 stages event). and beyond the music and the production of it all, there's a fundamental message that led to the creation of this au version of jennie; that her career as an idol, the persona representing the person behind it, existed at the detriment of her identity and wellbeing. watching her interviews in relation to this project, she speaks so carefully and delicately still about being an idol. it's something that she believes is her duty, and that the wisdom that she has now she owes to that side of her.
retrospectively speaking (and despite my immense love for blackpink), i dropped the 'general' tag so that my muse could exist more creatively and freely. seeing how artistic this girl was, it was upsetting to see just how held back she was with her 'occupation'—she wasn't really allowed to showcase her vision and artistry. in hindsight, me coming back to writing jennie again was not sprung up out of some big epiphany and the decision to make the muse do music again to reflect the real jennie's work was also not as thoughtful as i'd like it to be. i was just genuinely really excited and it sparked motivation in me. but as i write jennie in this new chapter, closer to how i used to portray her before (following schedules and referencing more relevant content), i find myself feeling both pride and guilt. i'm proud that she came out with this body of work. this project has clearly given her the means to stand up for herself, from all the bullying she has experienced from the media and general public in the past. but at the same time, i feel a guilty conscience for the fact that i may be contributing to the noise that she has been trying to drown out.
so this is just me thinking inward, shouting out into the void, wondering if i'm co-opting the offense of misunderstanding this already misunderstood celebrity. if i am, i at least hope and want to remind myself that i'm doing all of this in good faith and the genuine desire to acknowledge her personhood and commiserate with the bullshit that she has to deal with.