Nov 12, 2020
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Today's Assignment: Polar Bear Gravity Machine Disaster by Aly Jones
My actual topic is: "A world where gravity is powered by a giant polar bear on a stationary bike at the North Pole. But the bear is getting sick," but it felt extreme trying to fit all that in my header. So let's get to it, shall we?
You guys, I have terrible news. As we ALL know, the Earth's gravitational pull is powered by an enormous polar bear pedaling a custom Schwinn stationary bicycle connected to the Earth's core by a series of cables installed eons ago by sentient bacteria, working together like a team of ants that teach at MIT. The energy transferred by this tireless ursine's pedaling is all that has been keeping us grounded for the entirety of human existence. Countless gallons of a top-secret salmon flavored Gatorade have been consumed by our gravitational hero as he worked without ceasing to ensure we didn't float off aimlessly into the stratosphere, but CNN is now reporting that Albeart Einstein has fallen ill with a rare case of Bear AIDS and is losing his ability to keep the bicycle going.
It seems that some years ago, during an Elf Basketball Association All Star weekend, there was an orgy centered around Albeart where copious amounts of egg nog, the real kind, not some bullshit you get in the dairy section for children, were consumed and things got a little out of hand. No one is sure whether Al contracted the virus through a hypodermic needle used to inject heroin between his paws or from Santa, who we all know gives a "gift" to more than just the children on Christmas Eve, but regardless of the source, Albeart is fading at an alarming rate.
If it were possible to find another gargantuan bear capable of pedaling a bike connected to the Earth's core, then we would have less to fear. Unfortunately, Albeart is a carry over from prehistoric times and bears of his size are now only found in books of North Polean mythology. People of Earth, we must find a way to save Albeart. Our life on this planet depends on it.
In order to save Albeart, and in that ourselves, we must find a cure. That is why I am starting the Bike Across the World for Life Saving, or BAWLS. Each rider that cares about BAWLS enough to participate will be raising money to fund scientists that are working 24/7 to discover a treatment to keep Albeart alive. In the meantime, the Gatorade factory has gone into hyper-production of the salmon flavored beverage Al holds so dear. They are asking all fishermen to please donate their hauls in order to keep up with the demand necessary to fuel Albeart through this difficult time.
To learn more about the Bike Across the World for Life Saving event or support a rider, please call 1-800-SAVEAL. If not for yourself, then for the children.
Thank you to @primawesome for today's topic, and thank YOU for reading.
no. 565 - @primawesome
~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~
Apparently singing "total eclipse of the heart" in an elevator makes people uncomfortable. It's not my fault that song requires eye contact. @primawesome