#a and d

[sidekickkep]

A lot of shit’s been happening on my end.

And I feel like because of it, it’s triggering my depression to come back swinging in full force. 

Last Thursday: Found out the retail company is closing its doors on 200 locations, including mine. That place, as much as I gripe about it sometimes, has been my one solid foundation since I’ve started college. It’s been a place I could go to to satisfy my busybody needs while giving me the mental ability to relax while merchandising/selling products. In just a few weeks, we’ll all be gone.

That Saturday: Got into yet another fight with my dad. Because he couldn’t take a joke. It was the dumbest thing I don’t even wanna go into it.

Valentine’s Day: Oh okay I told a dude I knew who liked me that... nah. Not especially shitty, but a notable event.

Yesterday (this past Wednesday)... I found out I’m not graduating because I’m short 7 credit hours. I generally didn’t mind (I even thought about putting off graduation anyways) but that’s money I don’t have. My scholarship is up after this semester and at over $1,000 per credit hour, that’s 7 grand that I don’t have. 

And they all seem really small and petty things, but even before then I’ve been struggling. 

I can’t sleep, yet I sleep too much.

I focus so hard on focusing itself that I miss the point of focusing, of working, of paying attention in class, in retaining information for studying.

I’m not hungry but I’m still hungry. So I munch on whatever I can for the sake of savoring something sweet--not to sound overly poetic--because I’m missing something to savor.

Time drags, but even at that sluggish pace I fall even further behind somehow.

I’m so tired. I’m so exhausted. 

I can’t drink because I gave alcohol for Lent, though I don’t know if drowning in my sorrows is exactly healthy.

But I resorted to, well, the knife. (Not exactly a knife, but you know the context) because I don’t know how to cope.

My friends don’t get it. Or maybe I don’t want them too. I don’t even want to talk to anyone really. I just feel like I need to write everything down and vent and maybe it’ll help me feel better. I did so well last year and here I am falling back apart. Not that I’m crying or anything, like I’m so tired that I can’t even cry.

I haven’t done laundry in 2 weeks. Haven’t washed my hair in 10 days. Haven’t been to the gym in 3 weeks. 

I feel like giving up and I don’t know why or what I’m even giving up on. 

I’m just tired. 

[sidekickkep]

[sidekickkep]

The good news is that I think I’m  getting over him. My thoughts aren’t defaulting to him anymore

The bad news is that I know this because my default thoughts have returned. My default thoughts are about dying.

Great? Welcome back to the norm, Kep. 

[l-close]

Rant about A and D (Wattpad story)

There is this book on wattpad, and I hate it. It is horrible. Don't get me wrong, I like the plot and stuff. Just how this person wrote it was EXTREMELY stereotypical, placed HIGH gender roles, and insulted gay community by saying just because a guy liked art and didn't like playing sports, they were gay. I like the plot, so I keep reading it, but my lord I get upset so much because of how this person writes the book.

[sidekickkep]

rant rant rant personal life rant rant im a bitter ungrateful child

okay so I’ve been feeling like shit lately. Havent been sleeping much. Appetite has seriously decreased (though I’m not exactly completely skipping meals. A fruit for breakfast, a granola bar for lunch, actual dinner, a protein shake somewhere in there after workout). Growing more and more tired, especially the more I interact with people (even though I do so minimally, even at work and my internship). And I’m catching myself just zoning out and not wanting to come back. I have approximately 2 interests and I’m doing all I can to keep up with them because if I lose those things... then what else do I have to care about? (More on this below)

Ah yes, signs my anxiety is peaking and depression is returning, mmm.

But lately my friends have been great being there for me. You know, having the group of constant who’s just there all the time.

Anyways, there are 2 (maybe 3, depending on whether or not it’s payday), things I look forward to during the week. That get me going. That stop me from putting a blade there. Turn: Washington’s Spies (lol no shit, have you seen my blog lately? also hewlett, if you have the strength to resist, I do too) and kickboxing. 

My friends and I have been “promoted” to the advanced class. The sparring class. Which is today.

They bailed on me.

They knew it was today. And they bailed.

I mean, I ASSUMED they know what happens when I get fucked up like this? This is already nerve-racking, going into sparring. But to do it without anyone I know? With people who’ve been doing this for a while? 

Jesus Christ.

I could skip out, but why? I don’t want to disappoint my instructor and I’ve been looking forward to this for the past 2 weeks (also I skipped last Saturday’s conditioning class).

But I’m hyperventilating so fucking hard right now and my left ear suddenly just ... popped (is that significant?) and is ringing weirdly. And I feel super tense and like shit and holy shit this isjust more of reason for me to go. I need to move. To do something.

Fuck it. I love my friends but I’m going to fucking picture their faces on the bags during warmup.

UGHHHHH. 

[stormfather]

aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe gets a solid 7.5/10. YA just isn't my thing, i guess, and the pacing could have been way better. but it was good and queer so thats awesome now i can sleep

[stormfather]

this writing feels like a less cishet-white-Straight-Teens version of a john green book. also the adults are well written in it