#a level 2023

[studynxiety]

06/09/2023

Lately, I have been tired. I am not sure if it's burnout, a random depressive episode or executive dysfunction. All I know is I haven't been really doing as much as I could be. I didn't want to admit it since I was still doing enough to get 80% on most tests and things could be worse.

Looking back, however, I haven't really done much that enjoy lately. I don't remember the last time I turned on some good music and wrote away, burning the midnight candle for something that made me alive. And there has been this constant knot of anxiety at the bottom of my stomach. So, things haven't been vibrant but things aren't exactly bad. It's like waking up on the wrong side of the bad; nothing's horrible but everything's off nonetheless.

All this is to say, I think I need to bounce back and I'm done being passive for this year. I've always been ambitious and I'm going to start pursuing things I want again. I woke up today feeling weirdly motivated so I've decided to start the 100 days of productivity challenge!

Things I hope to achieve from this challenge:

Become good enough in Physics that I can enjoy it again

Finish at least half of the CS50 course

Study for SATS

Make a complete compilation of which Unis to apply to

Finish at least two WIPs

Get better at French

Extra/Less-prioritized goals:

Get abs

learn to cook

Sketch/Draw more often

I think there will be two main obstacles in the way of me accomplishing these things. The first will be finding time. Most of the goals I've mentioned are things I have been putting off for more immediate concerns or just, generally, people needing me for things in the present that need to be dealt with but don't have much of an impact in the future.

The second problem is my undeniable internet addiction. Okay, I feel like internet addiction is too broad; my addiction to constantly consume some form of creative media, be it in the form of books, movies, TV shows, anime, cartoon, comics, or fanfiction. I really need to cut down on that. I think this will be the most difficult part. I'll try cutting out serialized content and instead explore more indie books and movies again. They're usually less addictive but fulfilling in the same.

As always, I'll be ending this post with some talk about the most recent shows that I have been enjoying, which is kind of ironic given the previous paragraph is me just complaining about my inability to stay away from them. Lately, I have been into the ongoing Kdrama "My Lovely Liar." I think the chemistry between the main characters is great and the mystery is alluring. An 8/10 in my books.

Other than that, I've been watching "The Boys." Currently, in season three. It's one heck of a show and it's just so believable and feels like a mirror to reality. The corporate greed of pharmaceutical firms, the corruption among the people who have sworn to protect us, and how hard the world works ... only to maintain the status quo. I think it's very interesting and directly draws parallels to the real world. It's definitely a 10/10 for me. The world building, characters, humour; everything hits just right.

That's all for today. I'll do some chemistry, look over the CS50 course and fill out some forms for some official stuff today and kickstart the productivity challenge tomorrow. I'll try to be more active on tumblr during the 100 days as I need something to keep me accountable. Here is to hoping for better me's and better days and better outcomes.

[redfrogs]

10/09/23 —> Sunday

I am SO. TIRED. I’ve only had two and a half days and the workload is already killing me.

I haven’t had a biology lesson yet due partly to timetable but also a bunch of welcome back assemblies. It’s annoying, because my old school had a theatre with seats in them and in this school we all sit on the floor. Pins and needles hell 😔

I’ve had a couple chemistry lessons, and I’ve been enjoying them so far. It’s a little intense, but nothing I haven’t been able to wrap my head around yet.

GEOGRAPHY?? Everybody warned me that bio and chem would be the death of me, but I’ve only had like 3 geography lessons and I’ve already had to do 2 essays. ☹️☹️

I was up until 3 AM on Thursday trying to get my research and essay done on the difference between warm and cold glaciers.

Today I finished my research and notes for my next essay, ‘The Mediterranean Migrant Crisis’. I’ll write the rough draft in my free tomorrow, and finish it after school.

I also finished (I think) setting up my organisation system today. I realised my system i had planned would NOT be good enough.

Also, the physical toll is not something I was prepared for? Friday night my shoulders were covered (still are) in friction burns and purple bruises, and my ankles keep getting cut open. My whole body aches from the amount of walking, the weight of my bag, and the amount of mental energy I’m using.

Still, this is WAY more fun that year 11. I’m having a great time. 👍👍

[superbusmeretrix]

this is a break from our regularly scheduled content to say fuck this results day bullshit i worked too goddamn hard to wind up with two Bs and a C

[llevs-corner]

Non-rhotic accents include most varieties of British English, Welsh English, New Zealand English, Australian English, South African English, Trinidadian and Tobagonian English, Standard Malaysian English and Singaporean English.

In non-rhotic varieties, speakers no longer pronounce /r/ in postvocalic environments—that is, when it is immediately after a vowel and not followed by another vowel. For example, in isolation, a rhotic English speaker pronounces the words hard and butter as /ˈhɑːrd/ and /ˈbʌtər/, whereas a non-rhotic speaker "drops" or "deletes" the /r/ sound, pronouncing them as /ˈhɑːd/ and /ˈbʌtə/. When an r is at the end of a word but the next word begins with a vowel, as in the phrase "better apples", most non-rhotic speakers will pronounce the /r/ in that position (the linking R), since it is followed by a vowel in this case.

[sophxwithers]

A levels… completed it mate 🎉🎉🎉

IM FREE

[the-evolving]

i’ve never been one to fear exams or tests or anything of the like. so why right now am i fearful and have a sick feeling to my stomach. i want to scream and cry when i can’t think of an answer and my brain feels heavier with knowledge but lighter in the endorphins that make happiness.

let these times pass please

[beepbeepdespair]

me noticing some fairly empty boxes in my greece booklet and realising i just never fucking finished some tasks:

[studynxiety]

11/08/2023

My AS results were ... devastating. It feels like I'm the only one surprised by how low they dropped and it's making me question a lot of things. All this time, had I been too confident about myself? Was my best not enough or did I really not try hard enough? I'm grieving the version of myself that I could not be, and I'm grieving all my efforts that were not enough.

Honestly, it's difficult because so much of my identity has always been based around being good at academics that this feel particularly crushing. I'm not lucky and I'm not loud, so if I'm not particularly good at anything , I feel like I'll disappear.

I don't think if I can forget or make up for the pain I feel at the moment. I know my life isn't over, and that I can always make up for it by doing good in Undergrad and what not, but it stands that it means I'm not who I thought I am. I'm not smart enough to be excluded from the statistic of people who expect too much, who are too blind to see they don't work hard enough.

It's shaken my confidence and it's making me question if I can do good in A2. I'm getting a little tired of having to constantly lower my expectations, of settling for my second best, of giving up on dreams. At this point, I can't even remember what I was trying so hard for.

I'm a bit too emotional so I haven't been able to do much. I want to try my best in A2 and pull my grades to A*s even if they seem impossible. I'm wondering if I should retake but most teachers say it's a waste of time, energy and money if it's anything above a C.

Things to do today:

Physics Past Paper Practice

Figure out a way to deal with the emotional mess so I can be on top of my game from tomorrow