#a little musing

[pebbles-scatter]

it happened and im able to live past it but also every now and again i get so angry everything happened like wdym the first 19 years of my life a variety of people abused me or mistreated to the point that i am now constantly battling with body and mind and the symptoms and coping mechanisms i developed in response to that to feel safer. and thats ok. but only sometimes. sometimes you wish there were consequences to the people that hurt you. i usually just wish the best for them, but sometimes itd be nice. bur im not mad at myself or my symptoms. i was protecting myself. it was a kindness. now im working to cope with my much better life. and realistically all i want is for them to know and feel bad, a lot of them i would hate to see truly suffer. but im letting myself be angry sometimes. just a little. #IM SO HEALTHY

in all seriousness working thru all this shit has made these moments feel so much..... less heavy. im not drowning! my heads above the water.

[clmusings]

I love people with issues

It shows that they've been touched by another human being, another person. They've been affected by society, specific individuals in their specific society, they've been changed by another. Their mind has been cracked by something, the mind being such a complex thing - it was easy to the right people.

People with issues are my favourite type because the evidence is so apparent that they were changed by another person, got too close - words were too harsh or too much, and they couldn't handle it.

And then comes the handling of those issues, some unhealthy and some healthly habits to deploy to cope with those issues - if only for a short while because those issues linger, might lessen it's grip but it will remain tucked underneath all the crevices and creases of skin, under ribs and veins and blood. Until it fades away along with the things that kept it hidden for a lifetime.

A little musing by yours truly, CL.

[clmusings]

I want to escape from this wrenched want writhing deep within my chest, I'd like to reach under my ribs to carve the messy, overlapping tendrils of it out. I need to pull back each rib individually, taking care as to not to disturb the tiny wantings; and finally when they're open I'm able to reach inside to remove every bit of wanting in my chest. And yet... I'm unable to, those tiny tendrils had overlapped to such a point where it has become a massive writhing mess that has weaved its want into the most precious organ within me so it's impossible. I'll be forever unable to remove the want because if I do, I'll certainly carve out my heart alongside it.

Just a little musing by yours truly, CL <3

[book51ut]

i was on a date the other day. he didn't have a job, didn't go to school, said he could never imagine himself having a job or going to school. he wants to be a musician but had never thought about performing at local spots before. In fact, I asked him if he had and he said "oh that's a good idea I've never thought of that before." His only goal was to go tour in Japan (because he likes Pokemon). he did not ask me a single question about myself. but admitted he had no hobbies. That, paired with the fact that he has no job, meant that it took about 15 mins of me asking literally every question I could think of before we were flat out just staring at each other. And the motherfucker still didn't ask me a single question about myself. He literally had nothing but our date going on that day, like on a random Tuesday. I left after 45 painful minutes and he texted me to ask if he did something wrong because "sometimes he says inappropriate things." My dude, that was not the problem. He had no interest in contributing to society in any way. And like, I am anti-work as a means of survival, but I am very pro meaningful work that fills up ur cup and keeps you busy. Being busy isn't bad. He didn't even have the fucking cup to fill.

i had a realization that not only could i do better, i SHOULD do better. i was staring at that man like "when did I let it get this bad." Like, why did I even agree to go on a date with him? I am beautiful, have friends, am getting a doctorate degree, recently interviewed for 8 positions and GOT ALL OF THEM, and have hobbies and interests ???? Like the bar is NOT that low. Anyway, I clearly am bad at searching and am just gonna wait for something worthy to find me because I know it will.

I think my problem in the past has been like I am not trying to be an elitist who, as in my last sentence, is "looking for someone worthy" but like at this point i realized that in doing that I erased all modicums of self worth that I have. Like, I think it is time to admit that I'm a fucking catch and that it is ok for me to wait for someone else who is also a fucking catch. The last man I dated had ants in his bed. I really should be doing better than that, even if ant bed man had a good heart. There are people with clean sheets and jobs that have good hearts yk.

[book51ut]

i used to have this extreme jealousy of the girl my ex spent several years with. but every time he mentioned things they fought about, I sided with her. but i couldn't shake the rage i felt towards her, for no reason. we've never met. and i'm realizing now that I think I maybe love her. i want to know her and love her and be her friend and bring her flowers and drink wine and go to yoga and read together in the park on a summer day. maybe my anger was not at her, but at my ex for hurting her and for preventing me from meeting her. maybe my anger was at myself. i think we'd really get along. we'd certainly have a lot to talk about. i regret not meeting her and for holding her in contempt. now, i look at it as a what if moment. what if we met. what would be different. we really could've worked it out on the remix. i would reach out but it would be weird. i hope it happens naturally at some point, but I doubt it because we live in different countries on different continents.

anyway if ur reading this (which there's no reason why u would be because you don't know me or care about me at all) I'm sorry for the anger I had, even if you never felt it. It said everything about me and wasn't a reflection of anything you did at all. i think in many ways we are the same, and that scared me. i would love to buy a bottle of wine and cry with you.

[caytofalltrades]

You Live in a Dire State

You live in a dire state.

The world around you is rife with chaos and immorality. Why? Nobody can seem to pinpoint it. The political figures blame the countries. The countries blame the political figures. You set out on your grand journey with an end goal that may have once seemed clear but which appears to change every time you blink.

You meet people along the way. You trust them, (you’re desperate); they say everything you want to hear. You follow them. They follow you. And then they say or do something so desperately depraved you think ‘I know them’. You think ‘nobody would do this unless they were in this horrendous world’. You think ‘I have to forgive you, reassigning my morals, or abandon you and live with the guilt’. You think ‘I’m sorry for you’.

You very rarely meet people that will always be there for you, so you cling to them like they’re the last penny for you need to finally get the bus home.

You don’t know what life is anymore. There is no normal, no moral compass you can really rely on. Keep your head above water, because you live in the modern world.

[churchofthong]

A hard choice if she had ever been presented with one. She had longed to return to Germany but... It would not do to leave those two behind.

"... I suppose Edgeworth will be enough by himself." A sigh. Her hand tightened against the whip as she bit back a sob. "... I shall stay."