#a me ref

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I'm happy to give my friends space and I'm happy to accommodate my ways on how to best show someone I love them but I get very lonely and I don't have a lot of friends to begin with :/ I miss spending time with someone and I miss being romantic. I can run errands and hang out with my friends but I can't hold their hand or run their back or kiss them or be physically affectionate. I just suppress a lot if my feelings and I wish I could just feel them openly but I am too scared and I feel too alone to do that. I wish our hugs were a little longer with the people we loved. I'm really craving and missing sleeping in a bed with someone. I know that we're all busy but it just would be nice to share space and love someone and have them love me back. I'm struggling with the idea of no one liking me back. I hate having crushes and I hate the idea of losing a person that I care about and that means a lot to me from being open and vulnerable.

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Hey I wish I had a boyfriend so I could send him all my selfies and be praised :/ if u wanna see all my selfies lmk

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U ever feel like ur too annoying for someone you love? Like I know I am annoying but even when someone tells me otherwise idk bout that. I also have a hard time asking people to love me in the way I need. Like sure u can say I'm not annoying but why won't you treat me or behave accordingly. I have no indication otherwise. Anyway I'm just sad because I feel vulnerable being someone's friend because I never know when I'm not gonna be their friend anymore. I just want the people I love to be happy and healthy and free from inhibition and anxiety and if I can't help with that it's okay but I hope they find it. I need someone to give me emotional labour too. I think maybe I should back off everyone really. I just keep getting rejected but I wanna be open and honest so I don't let myself feel what I need to feel. I just acknowledge it exists and then move on. One sided ness is embarrassing and hurts me when I know I love someone too much and wanna take care of them. Why do I always do that? Like no one has ever felt that way about me but I guess it's whatever. Just do my job to spread the love I can and soak up all the bad things and absorb the shock and try to make it come out soft and honest in my interactions until people are done with me. Which is always sooner than I would hope. I love to be proven right even though it hurts. I wish I could get paid to be someone's really good friend for 6 months to a year bc if that were the case I'd be rich as fuck. And then it won't hurt so bad because I will have gotten something in return.

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I'm trying to give space to people I love because I know how I can be. I don't think there's anything wrong with me that I need to change necessarily but the way I approach caring about people should reflect who they are and not my own selfish behaviours. I'm trying to love better and feel things. I'm trying not to let all my hurt and pain define me. But I can't stop thinking about whether or not I'm living in grief or if it's living in me yet. Can I be doing both things? I should be allowed to ask for the love I want and need and deserve and if someone isn't willing to give it to me that's should be okay but I should still find some way to have it right? I worry that maybe my requests are unreasonable to other people but I don't see it that way but no one will tell me. My anxiety is really bad and I am losing my control over it. My grip is weak and I'm worried. I have had a lot of hurt and pain inflicted upon my emotionally and mentally and I'm exhausted but I don't want to be exhausting. It's not fair to take out what I'm feeling on other humans but I don't know how to not do that. I'm trying to find a healthier way. It's okay that I'm changing. But is it for the better? Especially after this weird situation with Jason I feel so stupid. I feel really broken and impossible. He shouldn't have said those things to me if he didn't mean them. Maybe he meant them for the moment but they were not meant to be long term messages. Just statements that ended up being lies. I can't stop thinking about them. What's wrong with me? What's RIGHT with me? Is there anything right with me? And now I worry that my illnesses are too much weight for another person to bear and that I cannot be loved unconditionally. I should stop sharing so much of myself. I guess it isn't sharing myself it's more giving. And I never get any pieces of myself back. I try to regrow and regain what is missing but it's never the same. It's falling short. I'm afraid that I'm gonna keep giving so much of myself and not noticing until it's too late and in the end I'll be a shell of who I was once. Incomplete. Empty. Functioning but for what? Like a decommissioned lighthouse or something. All the things are or were there to make it work and be useful but over time it doesn't really need to be there and so it gets forgotten. And these once majestic and important and painstakingly built pillars just have to accept that they exist now because you can't just get rid of it. Am I getting better or tougher or more jaded or or or or something else?

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I was eating bagels with my friend this morning and she was showing me what she did last night which is go to a bar for solstice and the person she was with was someone I was friends with in high school and and I said oh we used to be friends lol but whatever that was so long ago and it turns out she called me a bully and like wanted to talk about it and when I heard about I was laughing because a) this was like 5 years ago, b) we didn't even go to the same high school, c) I tried to kill myself and had several mental illnesses she didn't know or care about so whatever my behaviours then were to protect myself and survive, d almost that whole group of friends is selfish and privileged as fuck e) I don't even remember what happened but what I do remember is that I had to call one of our friends mom's and tell them that they had an eating disorder and like they were abusing and manipulating our group and they all got mad at me for trying to do something about it!!! Because they were all too fucked up to do something! Literally baby alcoholics. I mature emotionally pretty quickly out of relationships especially when they are not mutually beneficial and they are toxic to me and like people come and go out of your life and that's okay and like people change and I'm cool with all of that but like.... Looks to me that I made the right decision to not be friends with this person and that it turns out high school is not forever for me but it is for some people lmao like 5 fucking years ago and she's still on this Bs. I love my friend and I'm glad we are friends bc when we were talking about this she was like "uh cool I don't really wanna talk about this lol" and we discussed how it's okay to call out when people are Not Good but like let other people form their own opinion and this is one of those times haha. my friend gets to spend time with whoever she pleases and I don't expect just because she doesn't like someone that I can't be friends with them but that's what the other girl expected!!! Like to defame my character for no reason lol ive been thinking about it all day and I'm glad I could get this off my chest but lololol can u believe???? White BINCHES my god.

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Seriously love is incredible and stupid and I hate it!!!! I can't believe this is the person I love!!!! How did I get here? Who allowed this shit? The universe is a bully!!!! I can't stop thinking about this dumb asshat holy shit. Its so painful. Can u even frickin beljeve!

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Hi do u ever love someone so much that it's stupid and you can't believe you've been tricked like this again!!!!! I cannot believe I have been duped once more but a white male. Horrible existence if u ask me

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