#wrdz

[my90smemories]

Couldn't find any pics of my alarm clock I had but it was similar to this one. All I remember is that it came from RadioShack & was more square shaped with a white light up ring around the top when the alarm came on. I had it set to Radio Disney 1300. I forgot what happened to my clock but I used it all the way until Highschool.

[knite-errant]

Leda and the Swan by W.B. Yeats

[knite-errant]

[knite-errant]

One cannot afford to be naïve in dealing with dreams. They originate in a spirit that is not quite human, but is rather a breath of nature — a spirit of the beautiful and generous as well as of the cruel goddess.

|| Carl G. Jung, from Man and his Symbols

[elishing]

Am I a bad person or are they the bad ones? Am I not as good as I thought I was? Do I deserve this treatment? Is the world better off without me? Are people better off without me? Who am I? Why is this all my fault? I don't think I've done enough to deserve help. I just want to make someone's world better. I've romanticized things too much. Can I get through this? Am I destined to have a life I dream about? I think they are just dreams not meant to be a reality. So many people have left, connections varying in strength, but still it doesn't feel good when a human you care about in anyway leaves. Earlier this year, I should have accepted when someone didn't want to be my friend. I was selfish and I was lonely and it shouldn't have been on this person to be responsible for my being in any way shape or form. I think they are better off without me, I shouldn't have forced it. I'm sorry to this person and I think the best thing I could do is to let go. I have fucked up a lot and I'm not nice and they deserve someone in their who doesn't fuck up as much as me and who is normal. I am a huge loser. Maybe things are not destined to be okay. I can't hang on so tight, even though I wish I could. I dont think I can win this battle, I think I'm gonna lose the war. I have so many feelings I think I may burst sometimes from not being able to express them. Or maybe I'll burst from fear. Scared to death, that's how I'll go. Scared of not being good enough, or strong enough, scared of people, scared of vulnerability, scared to try, scared to love, scared to have confidence in myself, scared to be alive because everything hurts so much but also scared of pain.

[elishing]

I cannot let the big sad take me this winter but goddamnit I have every right to do it. I can't even think or speak what's happening into physical existence because I'll just have an anxiety attack. I'm on the constant verge of one. I applied for a promotion and I don't think I got it even tho I've worked there for years and do that job anyway. It's really hard to remember my worth and it's really hard to keep trying or doing when I know I've got nothing. I have people in my corner but this is still my life and I have to do shit to be in charge of it. It's so hard though. I have worked so hard and still coming continue to work hard and stay positive and keep my light but I'm just so exhausted. I'm think if I died it might be fine??? The world is truly awful anyway. I am confused and lonely. I wish I had a friend to hold me and to listen to me and talk with me close by. I wish I didnt love so hard or so much. Its hard to carry emotions like this and still want to move forward. I didn't sign up for this. I feel like I'm dying but instead of the release of death I just get to suffer in pain and nothing can stop it. I must stop loving people so much, I can't handle not being loved back just as much anymore. I'm too sad to and there isn't very much of me to give anymore. I hope that I can somehow convey that while I still love you, I can't show you as much as love as I truly have. Because no one shows me that much love back! Or do I even show that much love to people? Am I just as shitty as I think other people? Probably. I am just spewing thoughts and feelings right now because I keep so much down and inside. I hide so much of myself in order to stay sane. I thought that I had a friend who I could be vulnerable with but I don't think that person wants to be around me anymore :/ it's ok. I hope he knows I love him very much and I wish him the most success and I hope he can find emotional growth and maturity and love even though I'm not there to help or anything anymore. Not that he needed help. He just needs to be open to people loving him and give him self and other the opportunity to care for him and love him. He deserves it!!! It's so hard to be vulnerable but it's okay!!! One step at a time. He can do it. I hope he does. I love him so much!!! Okay anyway my brain is so manic and sad. How to quell the fears and how to find the energy??? Ugh

[elishing]

I think......

I should back off from being friends with this person? I love em v much but I just can't shake the feeling that they don't like me. I don't think that they're the type to just ghost me and I don't think I should force my love on them. It makes me v sad to think about but I don't have the emotional labour in me to open this fountain of love that's not there for another grown up. All this to say, I'm not a perfect friend or person bc I know what im like. but sometimes do you ever get the feeling that maybe you're not benefitting someone as much as they benefit you and that you feel guilty that you may be taking advantage of someone's kindness or submissive nature even tho you don't mean to :( I desperately love them and want to show them that in my love language but their love language is different and like... Incompatible??? I just ask so much of people and I want to give so much of myself but that feels unfair but don't I deserve love and reassurance...... like I shouldn't settle for some mediocre tolerance when it comes to any relationship right??? I'm having a really hard time lol I wish that the people I loved we're near me or could love me back with as much gusto but I am.just a crazy person who is ignoring her own feelings and trying to create some sense of community and family that I lost or maybe didn't even have in the first place. Maybe I'm just destined to live alone and be alone most of the time and only have the people who love me and I love back far away or in some other unattainable realm of reality. Should I explain that maybe we should interact less because I love them too much and if we don't have a consistent way of communicating or something like that then i just feel hurt and sad? Am I being annoying? I mean yes I am absolutely annoying. I'm just really really tired of people I love leaving or not being permanent or missing people who I love or just thinking about them. I'm not that good of a person I think. I am just trying my best and it's really hard and its like what's the point like what impact am I making on anyone or anything and then I think about all the bad stuff happening to me and it's just a lot for one person to keep all to herself but also I never wanna burden anyone so I just..... Stay quiet.

[elishing]

I'm happy to give my friends space and I'm happy to accommodate my ways on how to best show someone I love them but I get very lonely and I don't have a lot of friends to begin with :/ I miss spending time with someone and I miss being romantic. I can run errands and hang out with my friends but I can't hold their hand or run their back or kiss them or be physically affectionate. I just suppress a lot if my feelings and I wish I could just feel them openly but I am too scared and I feel too alone to do that. I wish our hugs were a little longer with the people we loved. I'm really craving and missing sleeping in a bed with someone. I know that we're all busy but it just would be nice to share space and love someone and have them love me back. I'm struggling with the idea of no one liking me back. I hate having crushes and I hate the idea of losing a person that I care about and that means a lot to me from being open and vulnerable.