1. there is a fear inside you and it shakes and convulses every time you open your mouth to breathe. it is a terrifying and dangerous weapon sleeping at the base of your skull. you fight to forget it. you never do. 2. you are hardwired to believe that it is all on you, everything: the mistakes, the betrayal, the hurt, all of it your doing. like a dark cloud hanging over you that is dripping acid. like a knot in the rope binding you to your sins which you cannot untangle. 3. for some reason you carry the world on your shoulders, cruesome and unforgiving. it stains all your clothes red. so you try to wash it out with kindness and softness and nice words and careful touches but you still walk away with your hands bloody every goddamn time. 4. you think maybe you should believe in god. in a god. whichever one could reach under your skin and save you from yourself. you imagine light touching you, holding you, scrubbing away the horrifying stench of not good, not enough. you should believe in a god but you do not. no force holy enough to push it’s fingers past your ribcage to cradle your heart will ever meet you. you know this. 5. your tongue is dirty and your words are stuck in the mud. you try to dig them out with your bare hands but everything just gets messier. the moon is hanging low in the starlit sky, your teeth hurt from laughing. your mother would not be proud of you now. you realise too late you were only digging a hole for yourself. 6. sometimes you apologise, you beg: scars showing eyes cold thinking i was just a child i did not know any better i was young im trying to change i know it hurts i know im sorry im sorry dont please dont leave me to die here alone i’ll be better i’ll do better please please plea— 7. oh well, you think. in the end you’ll put the chains back on. you’ll swallow your heart once more. you’ll burn for the whole world to see. you’ll do it all for no one. you’ll do it all for you. you will do it because you do not know what you are capable of. and it scares you. it terrifies you.
or does it? // ml
