Hi! 😊 Could I request a kuroken oneshot with the prompt "i hate everybody - “if i could make you love me, maybe you could make me love me”" from Kenma’s perspective? Also I will go and donate to your ko-fi.
First of all. This took WAY longer than I intended, so I want to say a massive thank you for being so patient with me. Good grief. Also, you gave me six dollars! Which means you now own my entire heart, like I cannot thank you enough, seriously. Anyway, I adore Kuroken, so this was super wild to write and I ended up at nearly 3000 words asdfhllkjksdf I hope you enjoy!
Warnings: None
Words: 2755
Characters: Kenma, Kuroo
Notes: Kuroken, Kenma’s POV
Read it on AO3 by clicking here!
Prompt: I hate everybody - “If I could make you love me, maybe you could make me love me”
Kenma narrowed his eyes at the mirror in front of him, shuffling awkwardly from one foot to the other as he tugged at some of his hair that had come loose from the hair tie. The quiet of the room unsettled him slightly. He blew air up into his fringe, causing even more to come free and hang in his face. With a sigh he pulled the hair tie free and let his hair cascade down, falling a little past his shoulders. It really had gotten long, he didn’t hate that. Being able to have the long strands in the front to narrow his field of view, it made him feel… safer? A little more relaxed at least, despite what anyone else said about him being easier to surprise or sneak up on because of it. He slipped the hair tie onto his wrist and grabbed the brush off the dresser beside him. The large mirror hanging on their bedroom wall sometimes left Kenma feeling uncomfortable the longer he used it. As he brushed out his hair he found himself tugging at the blonde tips with mild frustration. He’d never bothered re-dyeing it, seemed too much effort. He wasn’t going blonde again, that had been enough of an attention attractor the first time. Dyeing it all back to black would be a waste of energy. He felt the brush snag for the second time and huffed, he should be doing more, trying harder with his appearance. He winced as he yanked the brush free, grumbling to himself until he felt a hand slide into his hair from behind.
“Ssshh don’t do that, you know it’ll only make it worse” came a low, comforting rumble from somewhere up and behind his head, another hand deftly pulling the brush out of his grip and continuing where he’d stopped, albeit with much more care. Kenma briefly locked eyes with a smiling Kuroo in the mirror and did his best to not show how quickly he relaxed under Kuroo’s gentle ministrations. A quiet chuckle told him he wasn’t doing a very good job of it.
“Shut up” he grumbled, earning him a snicker in response. A quiet beeping from near the roof told him his boyfriend had turned on the air conditioner as he entered their room. With Kuroo now paying attention to his hair, Kenma took the time to study the two of them in the mirror. Though Kenma would rather be caught dead then admit it aloud (unless he was particularly sleepy or tipsy), his boyfriend was handsome. His height, his build, his jawline, even his ridiculous hair all lended themselves toward the kind of guy other people on the college campus would throw themselves at. Kenma grimaced slightly as he took in his own reflection in comparison. The dark circles under his eyes, the baggy hoodie, his hunched shoulders, his hair that he didn’t put enough care into. It felt like the picture of the pair of them painted by the reflective glass’s value was being brought down by him even being there. This is why he didn’t like the mirror.
“Do you want your hair tied back up or loose?” Kuroo asked quietly by his ear, reaching down to tug at the tie still on his wrist. Kenma shrugged and looked away.
“Just out of the way, it’ll look stupid anyway” he muttered. Kuroo snapped the tie against his wrist once before removing it.
“Hush, your hair suits you” Kuroo said sweetly, pressing a gentle kiss to Kenma’s hair as he started fiddling with it. Kenma huffed again and looked away.
“So I’m stupid?” he’d meant it to sound like a tease, but the words sounded a bit too hurt to pull it off well. He flickered his eyes for a millisecond to see Kuroo’s expression before looking away again. It wasn’t enough time to figure out the multiple emotions that seemed to have surfaced in unison. After a slightly stale beat of silence, Kuroo settled on whining as he gently jabbed him in the ribs with two fingers.
“Kenmaaaa! You know what I meant! Jeez, way to make me sound like a bad boyfriend. Ugh” he paused in what was becoming a braid of some kind, though Kenma couldn’t really tell, to press a kiss against the side of his neck. Kenma flinched away as it turned into blowing a raspberry, now taking his turn to jab Kuroo in the ribs. Kuroo huffed some kind of wheeze-laugh and went back to braiding, the only sounds becoming the tall man humming to himself and the air conditioner thrumming quietly.
-----
A few minutes later, Kenma had pulled his phone out, playing a random idle game he’d recently downloaded when he felt a gentle tug on his hair. He looked up to see Kuroo grinning over his head in the mirror. He knew that smile, it was the ‘I’m very proud of myself and I’m not going to shut up about it until you tell me I did a good job because I have the emotional fortitude of a puppy’ look. At least, that’s what Kenma called it in the privacy of his mind, or when talking to Yaku. He stopped teasing Kuroo and focused on his reflection properly, he was now sporting a french braid that was actually, huh, he looked… Pretty. He shook that thought away and turned around, escaping his own surprised expression. Kuroo’s grin was now in his direct line of sight, troublesome.
“Eh? Eh? What do you think? I did pretty good huh? You should let me braid your hair all the time!” As he continued to poke and prod Kenma, who was now moving towards their bed, all he could do was mutter under his breath a response.
“Yeah, it looks great. Good job.” He knew that it was sometimes easier to give the praise straight away instead of dealing with the poking. Kuroo’s smile became so bright Kenma absentmindedly wondered where his sunglasses might be, as long arms wrapped around his middle. He found his feet leaving the ground to be swung around in a circle a few times before they were both flopped on the bed with very little elegance. The grip on his phone remained tight, practiced. After peppering Kenma’s face with a few kisses, Kuroo settled in with his left shoulder against Kenma’s back, facing the ceiling with unfocused eyes. ‘Vibing’ as he always described it to Kenma, was something he had been doing more and more of recently. Kenma remained on his side, turned away, focusing on his game, the music playing from his tinny phone speaker joining the thrum of the air conditioner as they laid on the bed.
-----
Fifteen or so minutes had passed, Kenma could tell Kuroo wasn’t asleep, his breathing wasn’t even or slow enough. He frowned slightly at his game, surely he was bored? He wasn’t even on his phone, he was just laying there against him. Now that he thought about it, a lot of the time they spent together was like this. Kenma would be doing something and Kuroo just, existed in the space with him. He felt the uncomfortable sensation of guilt start to worm it’s way through his stomach. Should he be focusing on Kuroo more? Being more actively engaged in their relationship? God, what if Kuroo thought he didn’t care about him?! Other couples always did stuff together, he’d seen it in the relationships his friends had, in movies, strangers on the street. Yet, here Kenma was, more like a houseplant that needed occasional watering instead of an actual partner that was there for him. Kuroo could definitely do better, there were so many people that he could spend time with who would actually put effort into their relationship. What if Kuroo left him? He didn’t want to think about it.
He’d been staring blankly at his screen, eyes unfocused for a few minutes when he heard a sleepy rumble from behind him.
“You’ve been on that menu music for a while there babe are you go- Kenma?” He’d cut himself off as his hand had touched Kenma’s side, feeling just how tense he was. “You okay Kitten?” Kenma became aware of the amount of tension he had been holding in his body and let out a shaky exhale. It didn’t help. Kuroo was now peering over at him, taking in his upset face with a worried furrow to his brow. Kenma made eye contact with that concern and felt like he’d been shot. Why was he so caring? He cared so much for him, always taking care of him and for what? He’d be totally justified giving up, moving on, seeing someone else. Kenma could feel his heart rate skyrocketing at the thought. Would he even be able to tell? If Kuroo stopped loving him, would he notice? As his mind began to spiral, Kuroo gently pried the phone out of his hand, putting it to the side and tried to pull Kenma towards him. The movement jolted Kenma, who nearly took out Kuroo’s chin as he sat up abruptly.
"If- If you stopped loving me would you tell me?" Kenma said with a rush, shoulders tense. Silence followed. Kenma could only take the quiet grating against his nerves for so long before he peaked up through his hair, to see Kuroo, eyes and mouth open wide, expression slowly shifting from shocked to distraught. Kenma grimaced and tried to look away again as Kuroo seemingly searched for a response, but was snapped back into place as the taller man moved. Two strong hands gripped his shoulders and forced him to face Kuroo directly.
“Kenma I- Babe what the fuck are you talking about? Where is this coming from?” Kuroo didn’t seem to notice himself shaking his boyfriend’s shoulders as he spoke, eyes wide, his tone uncharacteristically serious. Kenma started to stutter out some sort of response, but quickly gave up, burying his face in his palms, breathing shallowly. Kuroo startled at the motion, stopping the shaking, leaving them sitting together on the bed, the air conditioner thrumming. Kenma scrubbed his face as he picked his words, wary of the waves of worry his boyfriend was exuding like an aura. He sat back up slowly, avoiding Kuroo’s intense gaze.
“What I mean is… If you weren’t happy with me because of something I’m doing... or not doing, you’d tell me right?” He resolutely looked away, wringing his hands as Kuroo made several half-attempts at a sentence. A puff of air being blown against his eyes forced him to blink and look back, finding the face of a man trying his best to be calm and understanding, but very much screaming on the inside. Kuroo’s voice cracked slightly as he spoke.
“Kitten, can you explain what you mean a bit more? I don't… I don’t understand why you’d ask me that” he said, body tense, fingers fidgeting with the hood of Kenma’s jumper. Kenma felt sick for a moment, maybe they could just forget the whole conversation and he could leave. Escape the room that was somehow stifling, despite that quiet thrum. Kuroo’s grip on his hood seemed to tighten for a second, as if anticipating his plan. He wasn’t getting out of this.
“I just… Sometimes I feel like I’m not paying enough attention to you… Like… I’m supposed to be more… Present when we’re together” each word was like pulling teeth as Kenma’s hands moved up to grip around Kuroo’s wrists, seeking support lest he shatter into a thousand panicked pieces. “It’s like… in a game… I’m making you carry the party through every level, I’m deadweight on our team...I’m not affectionate with you like I should be… and I don’t like PDA. I hate going out to places” a hot prickling sensation behind his eyes didn’t bode well, but he pushed on. He’d been holding all these thoughts inside for so long, that now, with the lid off, they were overwhelming him in their attempts to escape. “I’m just such a shit boyfriend. You deserve so much better than me Kuro. I don’t want you to be stuck dating me if there’s someone out there who could care about you better than I can” Kenma sniffled slightly, trying to will tears to stay behind his eyes where they belonged. He felt stupid.
“Kenma” came a strangled response, his eyes snapped up to see Kuroo on the verge of tears, a vice like grip now on his boyfriend’s hoodie, shaking slightly under Kenma’s fingers. Kenma’s own swollen eyes were forgotten as he stared at his boyfriend’s distress in mild confusion. Why was he so upset? Kenma wasn’t worth the heartache etched into that expression. Kuroo tried to find his words without bursting into tears. “Kenma, I love you” he croaked out, like it was the most obvious thing in the world and he’d die if Kenma didn’t know it that very second. Kenma’s eyes blew wide as he froze.
“You- you do?” It came out as a harsh exhale, like he’d been punched in the sternum. The doubt in his quavering voice seemed to spur Kuroo into action. He released his tense grip to gently cradle Kenma’s face in his hands, Kenma’s own slack fingers still encircling his wrists.
“I love you so fucking much. I don’t care what people are supposed to do in relationships. I don’t care if other people would be more attentive. I don’t care if other people like PDA. I don’t care about any of that! I care about you! I care about you so fucking much Kitten, I feel like it’s going to set me on fire sometimes. I’m not carrying the team okay, we’re different classes that’s all. You’re my Player 1 Kenma, I fucking adore you” there were definitely tears streaming down Kuroo’s face at this point. “I love you! Not anybody else. I knew what you were like before we started dating. I’ve known you for years Kenma, and I’ve loved you for that long too” he gently brushed his thumbs across Kenma’s own tear-stained cheeks before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. Kenma gave a quiet hiccuping-sob in response as Kuroo pulled him into a firm hug.
-----
They stayed in that embrace for an unknowable stretch of time, just breathing, definitely still crying, whispering nonsensical words. Kenma, with his face pressed into Kuroo’s neck, sniffled slightly as he whispered.
“I love you too Kuro” a slight jump showing he’d been heard. Kuroo mumbled something under his breath about cute kittens, pulling away from the embrace before responding.
“Babe, I’m supposed to be the cool one, and you’re going to make me cry!” Kenma rolled his eyes, reaching up to wipe away some of his idiot boyfriend’s tears.
“You’re already crying dumbass” he muttered, a slight smile making the teasing featherlight. Kuroo snorted, rolling his eyes as he spoke.
“Shush! Just come here!” he groused through a grin, grabbing Kenma’s face to pepper with light kisses, earning a startled laugh as a reward. Kuroo pulled back slightly to press their foreheads together, locking eyes. “I love you~ Kenma~” he sang obnoxiously.
“I take it back, you’re insufferable, you don’t deserve me” he attempted to curl his lip in disgust, but it just became another fragile smile. Kuroo eyed his expression carefully before responding.
“Hey, if I ever decide I hate how you stack the dishwasher or something? I’ll tell you okay” he poked at Kenma’s ribs, giving his underlying promise with a gentle smile and serious eyes. Kenma nodded awkwardly, responding in a stilted tone.
“But Kuro, what if I want to have the cups facing upwards to catch the soapy water?” Kenma had only meant to crack a dumb joke, but Kuroo’s face of utter disgust sent him into a fit of giggles. Kuroo’s horrified exclamations muffled as Kenma flopped backwards into the blankets. His grumbling boyfriend soon followed him. As his giggles finally subsided Kenma turned to face Kuroo, tugging at that ridiculous bedhead. Kuroo responded by flicking his nose and kissing his forehead again.
Kenma yawned, eyes heavy with exhaustion from such an emotional rollercoaster. His boyfriend smiled sweetly at him in response. Kuroo reached out to pull the covers across them, protectively wrapping himself around Kenma as he shielded them both from the cold of the air conditioner.
Hi Kat! I hope you are doing well! Any tips on making friends? From what you write it sounds like you are quite good at it. (:
Stop trying to appeal to everyone and just be who you are. It might take a while and it might make you unpopular occasionally, but the right people will gravitate eventually and it’s the right people you want to be around - not the people who will only like you if you censor yourself.
Don’t be too afraid to take the first step. Say hi, text first, start a conversation or even invite someone to hang out! If you get a clear feeling that they aren’t into it, you should obviously stop, but you will never know whether someone could become your new best friend if you just ignore them.
Seek out people who you have something important in common with! Join that discord or facebook group and use it. Seek out support groups and communities for people struggling with similar things, either online or in person. Find a meetup focused on something you care about and actually show up. You’re more likely to find people you’re compatible with if you seek out people who experience or care about the things you experience or care about.
If it doesn’t work out, just let it go. If someone you’re interested in doesn’t like you, it’s not the end of the world. There’s millions of other people out there who will like you for exactly who you are if they get the chance to meet you, so don’t get stuck trying to prove your worth to someone who doesn’t get you.
Don’t be afraid of social media. I’ve personally used tinder and dating websites a lot in the past in order to meet new people and my current skills in socializing are very much due to the fact that I put myself out there. Repeatedly. So don’t be afraid to go on dates or platonic meetups just to go on dates or platonic meetups. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’s good practice.
Be kind. You don’t have to be a pushover but do your best to treat the people you meet right. Ask questions, listen without too much judgment and be compassionate. I’m not saying you have to tolerate everything, but if they aren’t assholes, you shouldn’t be either.
If there’s something which you’re afraid will scare people away, put it out there before you get emotionally attached. To use a personal example, it’s much easier to say “hey, I got schizophrenia” during the first meeting and then go home than it is to say “hey, I got schizophrenia” after 3 months of hanging out and then get avoided. If you’re afraid of being judged for something, you need to give the trash the option to take itself out before you reach a point where you’ll get hurt.
Don’t take things too personally. They didn’t text back? They probably got distracted. They texted a one word answer? They’re probably having a bad day. They haven’t asked you to hang out? They are probably also afraid that they’d be a bother. Don’t take anything personally unless they actually give you a reason to.
Know that you deserve good things even if you struggle to like yourself. Don’t think that you have to settle for anyone who wants to be around you. You deserve people in your life who put in the same effort you put in and if people try to use and abuse you you don’t have to stick around for it. Don’t let your insecurities convince you to stick around for someone who doesn’t actually make you happy.
Give other people the room to be themselves. Don’t judge people for harmless oddities. Make room for people to do things differently. Try to accept others for who they are if they aren’t hurting anyone. Everyone else are just as afraid of being judged as you are and it’s important to remember that and try to promote acceptance by accepting others.
Hello Kat (:. Thank you very much for your in-depth answer to my earlier ask about making friends. It sounds like great advice! I will keep it in mind!
You’re welcome! I’m glad I could help. I have spent most of my life being a lonely, isolated outsider who really struggled to bond with others, so having trouble making friends definitely isn’t a foreign experience to me. But like everything else it’s something you can practice and get better at, and nowadays I have a whole bunch of awesome friendships. So I’m sure you’ll also be able to find people you’re compatible with once you learn how to put yourself out there!
Good luck with tomorrow Kat! What's your plans for Christmas?
Thank you so much, I really need it! I’m gonna spend Christmas with my family as usual. This year it’ll likely just be me, my mom, my dad, my sister and maybe my grandpa. Possibly also an aunt or an uncle if we’re lucky. I have a pretty small family and despite that we only see like half of them semi-regularly, so it won’t be a big event. It’ll just be me and a small collection of family members eating a lot of good food together - and maybe dancing around a badly decorated three and opening a couple presents if we’re feeling wild. But hey, I’m still looking forward to it! I love a good traditional Christmas dinner.
Hi Kat. So I don't know how to go about this, but I want to say something to the anon M. Hi M. About not feeling like a person. I tried that too! For me it came from a part of my scizophrenia. I only know the danish word for it which is "jeg forstyrrelse" ("I disturbance"). It's about how scizophrenia can mess with your sense of self and feeling of having a core. But I don't know if you have scizophrenia. I just wanted to say that I know how awfull it can feel.
It’s so kind of you to care to let M know that they aren’t alone! Not feeling/thinking that you’re a person can be a result of many things - including but probably not limited to psychosis, trauma and dissociation - and while I do not know exactly which diagnoses M has, you’re right that they definitely aren’t alone with that experience and it’s nice of you to reach out.
Hello! I have a question, if you have the time. Will the poster image be included in the zine itself? I really like the artwork, but I'm not that interested in the 3D concept. (:
Hi there! The poster image is unfortunately not included inside the zine itself, as it is its own merch piece.
Hi Kat. Recently a friend of mine wrote to me (after suddenly ignoring my messages for a month) that she didnt want to see me anymore because she feels we have "grown apart". I'm sad because I still like her. But it's not all bad because when talking about it with my therapist she got it through my head that it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me if other people occasionally think we dont fit. Right now im listening to The Good Side (t. sivan). Which songs do you like recently?
That really sucks! It’s never fun to lose someone you still care about. But as your therapist said: One person not vibing with you definitely doesn’t mean that there’s anything “wrong” with you as a person - it just means that different people look for different things, and that we can’t be what everyone needs. To change the topic to music, I’m currently really into Selena Gomez new album Rare. So many awesome recovery anthems in one place is indeed a rare occurrence! Besides that I listen to a lot of Brooke Candy and Ava Max at the moment. “So Am I” by Ava Max is probably my favorite song right now.
