;; hope alaska nation anthem
— a bit of a mad one, released february 23rd, glaive
> me explaining through music when im sad on why certain songs hit the hardest for me.
> i love glaive, also the lyrics are colour coded to every post so thats cool
"things i love about her are the things i wish i could change"
insecurities. they kill.
i learnt to love myself in sone scenarios like when im in a somewhat good and social mood, but i wish i could change.
especially with my weight, i have a friend.. kinda who i hold somewhat close to my heart which constantly reminds me im fat.
im trying my hardest but i feel so stupid because i feel no change.
"(oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh)
(oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh)"
that one feeling sinking in, the one where you dont know what causes it but makes your heart sink somehow.
the realisation kicks in on what ive done in this life and i sit in absolute solidarity with my head down.
feeling useless and absolute stupidity.
"with everybody screaming, i wish that you would stop and talk to me
(oh-oh-oh-oh)"
i want someone to notice me without having to be the one to reach out.
life moves on yet i wish someone paid attention to me, check up on me, be there.
constantly, its been me who always reaches out when someone is down, its always their feelings - never mine.
"oh, oh, i just did some things i said i never would"
im genuinely such a fucking dissappointment.
i drink, i smoke, i trip, i vape, i send.
i treat myself so horribly and little me would've been so genuinely disappointed in myself. same with my parents.
im struggling with my life and i cannot cry for help anymore than i do.
i shake when i dont have nicotine or feel worthless without alcohol.
i know i should get help, my pride gets in the way.
"oh, oh, it'll kill me to have you leave
but you probably should, but you probably should"
apart of me really hates having people around because i know im a constant reminder on what they dont want to be.
i fuck up, i ruin everything, i overreact, im such a shit person to be around, yet i still cling onto people.
i everyone constantly, that they should leave and move on without me but it will genuinely fuck me up more than it hurts them.
i build trust, bonds, then watch them leave me behind and thrive.
i hold them back.
"and i can't undo what i did
and that's just no way to live"
regret.
its constantly on my mind.
i hate the way i came up, i hate my body, i hate the way i act, i hate the way i think.
im genuinely miserable and i don't deserve to live.
"you can take it all, at least what's left
i've burnt this candle at both ends"
you can use me as much as you can and id fall for the attention like an idiot.
im so done with my life that everything is just numb to me.
ive used myself up as much as i could.
"it's just one for the sheep and two for the shepherd
it's just one for the meek, two more for the weathered"
im the one.
i give and give constantly to the two and they get everything, they think its kindness.
i dont deserve nice things.
"there's a knight and a king and a queen and a castle and a crest and a sword and a peasant
and i see myself in everyone, and i've just gotta, i've just gotta do better (oh-oh-oh-oh)"
ego gets to my head a lot.
i like to think i can solve everyones problems except my own.
i know one day i need to do better and work on myself mentally instead of just gymming and ruining my lungs.
but for now, im wasting away until i rot.
"oh-oh, i just did some things i said i never would
oh-oh, it'll kill me to have you leave
but you probably should, but you probably should
and i can't undo what i did
and that's just no way to live
you can take it all, at least what's left
I've burnt this candle at both ends"
i still feel this way about myself, i dont think that will change but i like to hope it does.
one day. maybe.
"take it all, at least's what left (oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh)
i've burnt this candle at both ends (oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh)"
despite me complaining, well, venting, maybe coping, id rather them use me then leave.
im just a tool.
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