so, ever since i read the translation of seung's ig last night, i've been overwhelmed with feelings and they're so jumbled i decided i need to sit and try to write them down and, hopefully, get them sorted out. so that's what i'm trying to do here, laying all my feelings and thoughts bare, as all over the place as they may be, in hope that when i finish, i'll somehow feel better, idk.
first, let me just say this. once upon a time, long before i came to know beast, there was another group of six that i had loved dearly. i favored two of them more than i did the others but, just like how it's been with beast, never more than the whole group. but of course, true to my luck, the very same two members ended up leaving. i was shocked, and shattered, and then i was angry, because they left me in so much pain. bitterly, i wished they would be happy with the choices they'd made, they had to be, because then at least my pain would mean something. i moved on, distanced myself from them, only glimpsed every now and then to see how they carried on, and they seemed okay, as if the separation didn't hurt them whatsoever. fine, i'd thought to myself.
years later, i learnt that maybe not everything was what it'd seemed, that maybe they hadn't been as okay as i'd thought. because i just happened to find out that one of them, the one who decided to venture solo, had at some point after his departure admitted that it'd been tough to be on his own and without his group. i was torn between thinking that it served him right and wanting to forgive him a little more, but mostly i just felt sorry for him. i s'pose it's true when people say you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
he'd taken his group for granted, and upon reading seung's apology, i felt that it had been the case with him as well.
back then, right after his departure, us fans were left to wonder about what had actually gone down, because nothing much was said other than the cliche "difference in musical taste" that, really, didn't answer any questions. and while i, for one, wouldn't care less to really find out the real reason so long as they had ended it with no animosity whatsoever between them (and really, there has been none), it didn't stop few others to come up with their own narratives while taking one side and pointing their fingers at the other. it really hurt to see the divide, all the false justifications and groundless accuse. i've never mentioned this before, but once, i happened to find out that someone had actually called doojoon a snake for kicking seung out of the group - oh, to say i was furious would even be an understatement.
it pained me, so much, that despite the boys' efforts to keep things to themselves so that it wouldn't hurt either party any more, there were senseless people out there saying senseless things as they pleased even though they hadn't got a f*cking clue of what the boys had actually been going through.
and now, at least, seung has spoken up, and it might have finally shed some light about what really went down then. first of all, in his own words, he'd admitted how he'd been the one to distance himself from the group, so anyone who have been blaming the others can shut up now. BUT! while he has admitted to his own wrongdoings, it still did NOT justify the cruel, nasty way he'd been treated with prior to his leaving, no way.
and it has never been him against the others; it had been him against himself, his ego, and he had let himself lose the battle. and it may have taken him a while, a detour, but he has come to see the consequences now, to finally realize what his mistake had cost him, everything - everyone - he had lost in the process, all he hurt he had caused, and that's why he apologized.
for me personally, there's nothing to forgive to begin with. i don't think i've ever blamed him for anything. i was sad, yes, utterly so, but never angry, never bitter, at least not toward him. not when he left, not when he had shown signs of being disconnected with the rest of them, when he'd looked as if he felt forced to be there, not even then. mostly i just felt saddened. he mentioned about the wall between him and the other members and i know i had witnessed that wall growing taller and thicker and it was just heartbreaking. still, i didn't blame him.
i can't help wondering what had prompted him to finally look past his own ego and realize that what he has done was a mistake, now, not sooner or even later. just what kind of hard times he's been through and what kind of floor/rock bottom he's hit to finally be able to see what he hasn't been able to see before? and just how alone and lonely the realization is making him feel now?
so now we know, that the separation has really been a storm for both highlight and seung. the boys seemed to have taken the hit immediately, suffering the hurt, but they have held on, weathered it, and are now in a much more better place. as for seung, it seems that the so-called storm has just taken its toll on him now, as all the consequences finally come crashing on him. i don't think he is okay now, and i don't know how long it will take, but i sincerely hope he will be, eventually. because highlight bbs are okay now, they are happy, and seung should be too.
find strength, seung. go find that place where you too can be at peace and happy, and once you do, treasure it, don't take it for granted.
i'd be lying if i said this didn't get me thinking of what ifs. what if this means they could possibly reconcile and be back together again? maybe not now or anytime soon, but one day in the future, when all wounds have healed and all hurt has passed? though, of course, it goes without saying that this would mean seung goes to them/around us instead of them going back to c*be because l m a o, why would they even consider that? it's wishful thinking, i know. but let me make one thing clear: it does not, in any way, mean that i'm not happy with the way things are now, with highlight bbs doing fine on their own. because trust me, i could never put into words how happy and proud i am to see them where they are now, and i have no objections whatsoever for things to stay exactly the same as they are.
it's just, back when they were beast, they had once been like a family, right? and like all families do, sometimes they drift apart, but they may come together again, we'll never know. i just thought it'd be real nice to see all six of them reunited once again, even if they are not back together in one group, but as friends, at least?
but of course, i could wish one thing or another, but it's entirely up to the boys. i feel that seung's apology was mostly meant for the members, and it's their forgiveness he's seeking for, so whatever i feel about this whole thing is irrelevant. it's for them to decide, and no one else (not even us fans, and especially not the ever so annoying netizens) has any say on the matter, and whatever it is they choose to do, they shall know that it won't change how i feel for each and every single one of them.
i have loved them dearly for over six years now, and i guess by now it's safe to say i will always do. all i ever want is for them to be happy.
and that includes you, seung, yes you. so be happy, please.
