#about toad

[flawlesslyspellbound]

im obsessive and deranged so i love writing obsessed n deranged characters. they're madly in love. emphasis on the madly.

[flawlesslyspellbound]

my therapist told me that i have to rediscover my sense of self. *sigh* i went into therapy bc i wanted to do the hard work. but i still feel like shocked pikachu when my therapist gives me work to do.

[flawlesslyspellbound]

i love when inspiration hits n then getting into a flow state n time passes n you dont even realize bc you've just been creating n nothing else mattered but making your art exist

[flawlesslyspellbound]

i will always do home remedies before getting medicine . i woke up with my throat hurting and you know what helps, ive been doing this since i was a kid, eating something really really sour. its always helps! but the grown up me also makes myself a hot cup of tea with honey & lemon. if i'm coughing i'll put a cough drop in my tea (but no honey otherwise the tea will be too sweet)

anyway, lets hope my home remedies work today. bc i feel cruddy this morning. lets also hope its just seasonal allergies makes me feel cruddy.

[flawlesslyspellbound]

i got my labs back. i tested negative for the stomach bacteria my dr was concerned about. the dr cant find a reason for my painful periods or heavy bleeding and referred me to a gyno (fair enough). and there's a possibility that i got a disease in my liver. i got a brief treatment plan but i see my dr again in may, just a couple weeks, so i'm certain we'll go over a more in depth plan then. we still gotta figure out whats wrong with my stomach :(

[flawlesslyspellbound]

the day we've all been waiting for has come! i have been to the doctors. she ordered some tests and prescribed me some medicine and set up an appointment for a follow-up. and she'll be calling me about my results once those are ready.

this is the first time a dr has listened to my concerns and treated them instead of just being like "well you're fat so what do you expect?"

hopefully we find out whats going on with me and come up with a good resolution.

[flawlesslyspellbound]

life is so draining right now. im constantly worried and tense. my brows are always furrowed and my jaw is constantly clenched. why my baby cat? why does she have to be sick? have we all not had enough of our share of sadness and tragedy?

its not enough to pray my baby will be okay. its not enough to clean her room every day. its not enough to sit with her and pet her and talk to her. its not enough that her oncology appointment is in a few days. its not enough. nothing feels like im doing enough to save her.

[flawlesslyspellbound]

i just got the worst news about Artemis.

early this morning we had to rush to the emergency vet hospital. we were thinking it was just constipation but with her recent stomach problems, we wanted to be certain and so we took her. after hearing about Artemis' recent behavior the emergency vet was concerned and after seeing her x-rays he was even more concerned. he did an ultrasound and confirmed what he saw on the x-ray. she has an abnormal growth in her stomach that is also impeding on her intestines. he said its highly likely thats cancerous. we have an appointment with an oncologist but already everything is too expensive for us. at the upcoming appointment we'll see if it is infact cancer, what type, and what treatment options are available for her.

my baby wont even eat and she loves her food. she tried, she put her head in her bowl but didnt have enough energy to take a bite. she laid down with her head in her bowl. now she's moved her head out of it so she's comfortable but she's so weak and fatigued. its awful. its so awful. my baby, my baby, my baby.

i cant stop crying. all i can do is cry and sit by my baby. she hates being held so i wont try but if for any god forsaken reason she lets me hold her, i will bawl my eyes out.

i dont want to go through this again. i dont want her to go through this. i dont want to watch her lose weight and waste away to skin and bone. i did that with my sweet fat boy, Link. this is so fucking unfair. My baby cat, Artemis, was abandoned by her mom. she was so flea ridden and tiny and bit up that the vet told me she wouldn't live past the weekend. me and my dad cleaned her up, bathed her as best we could, this half feral tiny kitten. i sat with her in the bathroom and watched her eat and hide behind the toilet until she felt comfortable enough to get pets. and oh man she still loves scratches soooo much. my baby lived past that weekend and grew into a beautiful healthy cat. my baby is 6 yrs old, this shit isn't supposed to happen to her. she's too young. she's been through enough! she's been through enough damnit. this isnt fair to her.

pictures of my sweet, sassy, curious girl.

please, whatever you believe in, please pray for my baby. please please please