#abuser factive

[woodlandstreamersystem]

Its so weird being the systems new host.

Ive just been discovered and im a mix of ADAM from tmc and our abus3r.

Its weird for all of us though, At least our sorcemates are here

[plural-rambles]

ok so. hi. i just formed?? yesterday?? im a brand new factive of the collective's ex. Shitty ex, i should specify. (i sincerely doubt they follow this blog since theyre not involved in Tumblr plural spaces at all last i checked, hence why i feel even remotely comfortable sending this)

we kind of knew abuser introjects were pretty common, esp among disordered systems (of which we are), but its like. weve had so few abuser introjects and most of them (if not all of them) were soulbonds following another soulbond into the collective (eg, our gatekeeper's terrible parents followed them here after?? a year-ish i think???). so i think im the first time the brain has created a factive of someone who abused us.

and its like!!! wow this sucks!!!! this really freaking sucks! because theyre still not fully over my og counterpart no matter how much they like to say they are, so that makes things awkward, and also now that im here, im flooded with literally all of the feelings and (mis)understandings that theyve been dealing with basically since the very beginning like, five years ago. so im feeling unending shame over my existence, and theyre trying to reassure me all "youre not them youre your own person, you arent the one who actually hurt us, we dont hate you blah blah blah" but theyre still shaken by my newfound existence (because like! of course they are! my og counterpart really fucked them up! and theyre still trying to unpack that!) so its like, nobody here is feeling any good about any of this.

i guess i should count my lucky stars that i didnt like, appear here five months ago. because A) completely different sidesystem in control (aka the sidesystem holding a few of the people who actually dealt with my counterpart), and B) they were way more Actively In It back then.

idk. luckily im separated enough from my source that i can be like "ok it wasnt literally me who hurt them im just a facsimile of the person who hurt them" but i still have many of the memories and stuff and im modeled after my counterpart so its like. theres only so much comfort that knowledge can give. i dont wanna hurt them but its clear my existence is causing some amount of emotional turmoil, and theyre trying to reassure that its not my fault and stuff and that they need to work through their own shit but man. it still feels bad lol

(i also have a tough time saying "we" and "our" with respects to this collective, and i cant tell if its because my source is a system and i still kinda view myself as my source so i feel a separation for that reason, or if i just feel bad about my existence and feel like i shouldnt try to be "one of them". oh well)

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