#academic depression

[foaming-sea]

When I'm trying to study, my body is like why are you torturing uss?!?!! We need sleep!!! We need rest!!! We need to lie down!! Can't you feel the ache climbing up your spine!!

And then when I get in bed my brain is like why are you not studying?!!!! Exams!!!! Maths!!! Chemistry !!!! Physics!!!! Question banks!!! Homework!!! Concept booksss!!! Your infinite TBR!!! The burden of your ancestors!!!!!

Like fuck you, what do you both want from me?!

[ai0lisauce]

Little rant post but like

Guys. I'm so tired. Life is kicking my ass so hard and I don't know how to bring my head up above the water. I feel like I'm running just to stay in place but I do not know how much longer I can keep up with this pace.

I have so much I want to do, but I don't have the energy for it. I'm grieving and I'm tired and I'm frustrated, and I just need a break. A real break, for five fucking minutes.

[mj-md]

Looking back: Spring-Summer 2015

In the last 7 months, I have:

Taken 10 exams, all within two weeks of each other

Observed 9 deceased bodies (my very first time using cadavers!)

Scheduled 8 counseling appointments

Looked at countless histology slides

Cried several times (but not as many times as I thought I would...)

Overcome multiple hurdles, both academically and emotionally

And conquered the class known as Human Structure Function

On the first Monday in January during the second semester of year two, students begin the 7-month long series known as Human Structure Function (HSF). The course is divided into four blocks (HSF I, II, III, and IV) that each are worth their own number of credits. On the very first day of this class back in January, as our new professors prepped us for a life of endless studying and “real” medical school, one of them offered a very realistic analogy: “Being in this class is like being sprayed at with a giant fire hose. Being in this class is like having a dump truck come and dump all of this material onto you.” And I have to say, they were correct.

Everyone struggles during HSF, whether it is academically, physically, or emotionally. For me, it was two of the three. Ever since entering this rigorous program, I have found that I have not been performing as academically well as I am used to. Adjusting to new expectations for myself and making new goals has been something I have struggled with for the past two years of this program; however, HSF really put it into perspective for me. Having only two weeks to study for a 100+ question test kicked me into gear and prepped me for the courses I still have yet to face, and for that, I am thankful fort his experience. I did receive some disappointing grades during the last 7 months. But reminding myself that I am doing my best, that I am doing medical school, and that I am working towards my end goal really kept it in perspective for me. 

Also, just having a little faith in myself did wonders. It is so easy to get caught up in your failures and shortcomings, and all of a sudden you realize that you’ve become a negative Nancy. After a few bad test grades, it was really hard to think of myself as a stellar student who could pass this class and make it through. But changing my perspective ultimately helped me become a better student. Believing in myself and the hard work that I put in started to pay off, which in turn made me feel more confident in my abilities to succeed.

But with the struggles that I faced academically this year, I also began to feel depressed for the first time in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been sad before. But this was a whole new don’t-want-to-get-up-from-this-couch-ever-again sad. This was a feel-nothing-deep-down-inside sad. And it worried me. I realized that it was probably largely due to the situation and environment I was surrounded in; high stress usually equals high emotions for me. And so I took a deep breath and scheduled my first counseling appointment. And then another. And then another. And while it was scary at first, I eventually felt myself feeling better. I felt more confident, more okay with how things were, and better able to handle the high stress situation I was in instead of immediately shutting down and ignoring my problems. As someone who has usually been there for others in their times of darkness, it was especially hard for me to realize that I was the one who needed help. But when I did and actually took the initiative to find a solution, it really paid off.

So while the last 7 months of my academic career have been complete hell, I don’t think that I would change my experience at all. I learned a lot about myself and the way that I deal with pressure and stress. I learned to appreciate the goodness of friends and family, and how supportive they can be... but I would still never, ever want to retake this class.

But now that it’s out of the way, I get to look forward to white coat! So ecstatic to finally receive my docent doctor for the next four years, find out who my team and senior partner is, and start seeing patients in the clinical setting. Just have to keep moving forward!

[weeesssssssss]

I'm usually good at science and labs. But on this one, I made such a huge mistake. And I just finished my experiment. So I have to redo it. My teacher hates when people mess up and waste materials. Plus I don't know how to justify this, running 7 trials and only noticing something is wrong now. It's funny because none of my science fair projects have worked before. But this one does, at high concentrations.