Spawn Astarion is "Stronger" than Ascended Astarion.
Ugh..this winter depression made me its bitch this time around and I didn't even get orgasms or snacks out of it.
Disrespectful!
So, lets shake these blahs by sharing some tea about our favorite elf. Hmmm..how about some Inner Reset. Sweet fennel, aniseed and cardamom.
This thought pot was started when I was reading a lot of comments about how "weak" Spawn Astarion is and how Ascending him is the best possible outcome for him. Is it? I feel Spawn Astarion is worthy of a high level of respect. More so than his Ascended version in my opinion.
Now, before an army of beloved dark consorts come for my neck, I do NOT have an issue with your master. I mean, if your going to have a evil, world dominating evil fantasy I would choose him too. I am with you on that. I am merely aligned with with his other half and enjoy sharing why.
Now go! You know your sovereign doesn't like his highly prized and guarded treasure straying too far. And I have no desire to have to explain to him why you are in my foyer. But, you are welcome to stay if you have permission and manners. * wink *
WARNING: Game Spoilers, Topics of Sex, Abuse, Torture and Adult themes including language. Not underage appropriate.
This is not fact. Just opinion based off my own and game experience. As always, how anybody cannons their relationships or behaviors is perfectly right! No blame, no shame, it's your game!
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Lets wander a bit.
Imagine if you will, that you made a poorly educated choice. And because of it, you were locked into slavery for centuries under the thumb of a mentally unstable captor. Your choices being do as you are told or suffer endless unimaginable pain you could never escape from due to your bond with your tormentor and your undead nature. You wouldn't die from the torture that would kill a mortal within minutes. You would suffer it for days, months, even years. True death was beyond your reach. Forever trapped in an endless cycle of pain.
But, you could "buy" a tentative reprieve.
The price? A strangers life.
No brainer, right? But here's the catch. The use of your body was required and the choices of what happened to it are anyone's but yours. Used any way your deranged captor wanted. Or your conquests for that matter. No boundaries, no autonomy.
So, what would you choose? Ceaseless pain? Or sexual slavery?
Seems like an easy choice. Luring strangers to their deaths by spinning intricate webs of lust promised lies to convince them of your false sincerity. Trapping them and feeding them to the spider that is your master. He is happy and you get to keep the skin on your bones. Well, more often than not at least. Better on a pain scale. But it is still torture.
But let's add in another level of complexity. Your sense of right and wrong is still intact. You are not "evil". Had you been it would have made the choice way too easy. You wouldn't have given a single thought about who you lured to deaths door. The act being nothing more than an annoying chore. But no, you still feel.
Damned if you do, dammed if you don't. Pick your hard.
This was Astarion's impossible choice.
And he chose what anyone who wasn't completely insane would choose. Not that it was any better. Not with his conscious still alive and well.
He talked like he was indifferent at times, but he carried remorse and accountability for his role in those people's demise. Even if he didn't want to.
"All these people were ruined because of me. Don't hate me. I did what i had to. i swear. I did what i had to!"
Deeds and beliefs against our true nature create shame. And shame is a self-destroying belief that evolves into loathing. And loathing is a vicious, rotting emotion that gives birth to soul crushing envy.
"I did these horrible things to innocent people. I deserve to suffer for my wretchedness. But why is no one else having to suffer consequences but me?!"
This is a poisonous concoction of turmoil that flays us emotionally.
Feelings Astarion fights with through the entire storyline. And he spends most of the game hiding because of it. His vampirism, his real personality, his sins.
Who wouldn't?
By societal standards he was already classified as a monster for being a vampire. By emotional standards he was considered weak and pathetic for being empathetic and saving space for others. And by moral standards he was evil for his roll in luring so many back to a sadistic master.
What a shit show.
But It wasn't who he truly was. Was he vampire? Yes, but he admired heros like Drizzt who bucked the social norm that he should be evil and chose otherwise. Was he empathetic? Yes, he tried to avoided innocents when he could and chose villains instead. Was he evil? No. He took no pleasure in the orders he was given. Unlike Jackass, pardon, Petras, he fought against Cazador's orders more often than not.
The inner villain vs the inner hero. A war raging in his own being that made the decision in what to do in regards to the ritual all the harder. Because on some level, both decisions made sense.
Mercy..
"But, if he was good, why was the decision so hard?"
For two centuries Astarion bore witness to Cazador being anything but "good" and getting everything handed to him. Power, wealth, pleasure. All the things Astarion had been convinced was worth anything in the world.
Which echo's real life, doesn't it. How many times has society sold you the idea that your value is based purely off of what you own (wealth), look like (sex appeal) or accomplish (reputation) ? Hmmm.
He did everything society told him was the thing to do to win at life didn't he? He was wealthy and accomplished by being a magistrate. He was beautiful and alluring in his body and looks. All the spoils of life should have been handed to him. But instead, it was taken.
"And what am i owed? What about the injustices I've suffered-am i not entitled to anything? Everything was taken from me, too."
And then, to add insult to injury, he finds out the Rite of Profane Ascension would "gift" Cazador, the man who has used and abused him for centuries, with new life and unfathomable power. The power to do anything. To be anything at the expense of Astarion's body and soul. Even if he died in the ritual, he still wouldn't be free.
"To place him in a position of such esteem the world will yearn to kneel. And offer their necks. Of course I envy him. Why wouldn't I?"
He is understandably envious. What an absolute unfair joke that that cesspool of a person, that demon, gets such a high prize for being anything but pure evil. Having done none of the dirty work to achieve it. His success built entirely off the suffering of others. Especially, Astarion's. Is there no justice in the world?!
From his lens, I can understand why he would want to complete the ritual. Pulling it off would feel like a justified prize for all he has suffered. Doing so would take away anyone's ability to hurt him on any level. Mental or physical. He really does believe it will grant him safety after decades of having none. A prize for pain. Finally.
But it's another impossible choice for him to make.
Choice 1: Ascend
Defeat Cazador and he gets everything he ever wanted. Power, life, freedom.
The price? Send seven thousand souls, including the innocent, straight to Avernus to suffer for all eternity. Wiping out every living memory of the sins committed. All the shame, mistakes, misdeeds, gone. The only people left to speak of it are his companions. A minuscule number against thousands.
That does sound delicious. Destroy all evidence of your sins and gain ultimate power. What's not to like?
Choice 2: Sabotage the ritual / release the spawn.
( yes i know there is a third but my Astarion didn't pick that route.)
Cazador is defeated and he gets only one thing he wanted. Freedom.
The price? He forfeits unimaginable power and is cast back into the shadows to remain a spawn. The thousand or so souls he wronged survive and could demand retribution at any time.
A seemingly bitter prize. What could possibly be worth this choice?
What indeed.
Again, no shade to the ascenders. It absolutely can be the right choice depending on your intention. Your love gets epic power and a thrall of vampire spawn are rendered harmless. Win win. I get it.
But, after all the inner and outer battles of belief against himself, MY Astarion made the decision to give all of those suffering souls their free will. Free to have the chance to save themselves, find space in world, find purpose, and find love just as he had.
This elf, soaked in pain and agony, frightened of every intention he could not control, choked by rage and envy. Chose mercy for others at his own expense.
What in the healing powers of forgiveness and acceptance is this?!
The level of selflessness and strength it took to make that decision is mind altering.
That one act of empathy raised him to a level beyond what Mephistopheles could ever offer him. He overcame the limiting beliefs set upon him by others. Won the ultimate boss fight of dominating his own demons and became a hero even Drizzt Do'Urden would be proud of.
No gods or devils required.
That, to me, is the ultimate "ascension".
(Swoon..)
"But he didn't do it on his own. It took his peers to talk him down. He wanted to do it."
Did he? If you listen, every time he talks about ascending with your character, he is seeking approval for it. Which means deep down it is not sitting right with him either. Otherwise why would he give a damn what you think?
Sometimes we need our friends and loved ones to remind us that who we are in our most genuine state is more than enough for anything. To have another soul look at you and say "I enjoy the hells out of your essence. Don't change it." means so much. Sure there are those raised with enough self love and confidence they don't need outside validation. But for the rest of the bruised and sore souls, it's like cool water poured on parched ground. Softening the shell and allowing growth to happen.
And I think Astarion was no different. He needed to hear that in that moment. He needed to know that his closest companions accepted and loved him for who he was. Not for who he could be. That there was nothing shameful or wrong for being truly himself. Forgive himself for deeds done beyond his control and chose his own path in life.
He was just surrounded by villains, not friends. He was not a monster because of his vampirism. He was not pathetic for having a thoughtful soul. (have you seen some of his dialogue with Durge and Karlach?) And realized he deserved more than he allowed himself to believe he did.
When we know better, we do better.
We are the product of our environment. Be sure to check yours.
"You believed in me-believed I was enough just the way I am."
He doesn't need to be a lord for me to hit my knees and offer my neck. I would be, am, absolutely proud to stand at he side of this "weak" elf. Because if weak means being sweet, silly, proud, forgiving and evolving. Then give me weak.
He may not have the power to concur the world. But he has the power to capture mine.
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"So we hide away and never tell. You decide if darkness knows you well. That lesson of love, all that it was. I need you to see.
You got that power over me. My, my. Everything I hold dear resides in those eyes. You got that power over me. My, my. The only one I know, the only one on my mind. You got that power over me."
Dermont Kennedy
