Just Another Day in the Neighborhood Chapter Ten
Title: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood
Word Count: 3k-ish
Written By: Cheese
Summary: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.
We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.
Care to stay?
Chapter Ten: A Typical Day
hiya people
what is grammar
is it something tumblr eats
—Cendi
Any reader who's made it this far through the story must either insane or a stalker, both of which are qualities highly regarded by the majority of citizens and illegal immigrants of Casper Town, and should therefore consider moving here.
After all, what's not to like? The house prices are low, the energy's cheap since everything's powered by the Tesseract, and, of course, explosions. Who doesn't like a good explosion?
Because the narrator is so kind, she'll help anyone interested in moving here get more of a feel for the town. After extensive research (perhaps obtained by blackmail and hacking, but details, details), the narrator presents an only slightly fabricated description of a day in Casper Town.
Early Morning
If any reader is harboring any doubts about the insanity of inhabitants of this lovely place, this next scene will certainly destroy them, just like the way the Professor's demonic thesauri completely destroy unfortunate souls.
Some people get up in the early morning.
The narrator will just pause for a second, allowing the reader to mourn for any doubts that have been destroyed in the process of this revelation.
And also because she's feeling hungry and is going to grab a snack before continuing.
Yes, that's right, some people are so insane that, even though there is no such thing as school, they wake up early.
(Musa actually tried to set up a school once, but it didn't take long for her to realise that it wasn't necessary; with the various experiences obtained by just daily life in the town, alongside the internet, citizens are able to gain a well-rounded education without additional input. Plus having to find a new teacher from The Other Place{readers may call this '"reality"} every day {sometimes two times a day [and if the students were feeling particularly bored, three times a day]} was kind of exhausting.)
Old Man Tard spends his mornings carrying curious tourists around Lake Inky.
"Welcome aboard, ladies, gentlemen and everything else," he says. "Don't worry about the rain of cats and dogs and the occasional llama today. If you die from getting crushed by any of them, I'm sure someone in this town will be able to put you back together. And look! Lightning! They'll even be able to restart your heart!" His optimism is inversely proportional to the cheeriness of the weather.
He whistles a merry tune as he guides the boat through the family of flesh-eating piranhas, giving them a wave and "accidentally" pushing a tourist into their awaiting mouths.
"Oops!" he exclaims, pocketing the money that must have fallen out the tourist's pockets "accidentally". "Oh well. Next on our tour is the whirlpool. No, it's not dangerous at all! What would give you that impression? Those screams you say you're hearing that's coming out of it are just a figure of your imagination. Whoops," he says, as another four tourists fall.
There's a clink in his pocket.
The boat begins to rock and the remaining tourists cling on to each other in fear.
Old Man Tard laughs. "There's nothing to fear, everyone! The kraken just wants to say hi."
A few minutes later, Old Man Tard is still cheerfully sailing his boat around the lake, but he's alone.
There's a reason why he claims the tour is "something you'll never experience ever again".
That's about all for early morning. Of course, there are some inhabitants who do not go to sleep at all, so technically they're awake as well in the morning, but we're not talking about them at the moment, since the word "people" does not include—
HEY LOOK A SCENE CHANGE. IGNORE THE SENTENCE THAT'S JUST BEEN CUT OFF. IT'S NOT LIKE IMPORTANT INFORMATION WOULD HAVE BEEN REVEALED.
REALLY. WHAT WOULD GIVE YOU THAT IMPRESSION?
Late morning
In TLWitL, the old lady is knitting, her sharp needles clicking and clacking, and occasionally, when they get bored of repeating the same sounds, clucking and clecking.
She winces. "Ouch. I think someone just broke their shift key."
Sophie purrs in the affirmative, eyes focused on the cheese bait she's just set up for an unsuspecting mouse.
Suddenly, smoke billows through the room, followed by coughing and theme music.
As the smoke fades, a girl is revealed, bent over and still coughing.
Musa doesn't even blink.
Hang on, actually, does she ever blink?
THIS TEXT IS IN CAPITALS PURELY BECAUSE IT IS. IT'S NOT TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE NARRATOR PONDERING WHETHER ONE OF THE INHABITANTS IS ACTUALLY HUMAN.
Musa winces again.
"I think you overdid the smoke effect," she says.
Sophie purrs in the affirmative.
"Yeah. Sorry—" the girl's words are cut off by another coughing fit. "Sorry. Anyway. Forget about what just happened. So, who summons the Almighty Cheese from The Great Beyond?"
Musa and Sophie stare awkwardly for a moment.
"None of us, I'm afraid," Musa says.
Sophie purrs in the affirmative.
"Oh. Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Sophie purrs in the affirmative
"Um. Sorry." With that, the girl vanishes dramatically.
Sophie and Musa return to their previous activities for a while, but then the old lady speaks up.
"I have a feeling we're in the middle of a pointless scene."
Sophie purrs in the affirmative.
Noon
Zadi frowns as she reads through her notes. "I don't get it."
"Get what?" Leaf asks as she comes into the room.
"Their secret codes. Minio- Leaf, have you been discreetly eavesdropping like a good detective?"
Leaf nods.
"You've heard the strange words that they drop into their conversations, then?" She scans a page in her notebook. "Like 'exdee', 'colonthree' and 'pointy-thing-underscore-pointy-thing'."
"Oh yes, I've been wondering what they mean."
Zadi sighs. "So have I, minio— Leaf. And so far, I've gotten precisely nowhere."
Precisely nowhere's a bit north of Casper Town, if anyone wants to know.
Zadi currently doesn't know this, since there are no maps of the area surrounding Casper Town. Efforts have been made to make one, but cartographers go insane when they try. It's apparently something about the extra dimensions that gets them confused and then drives them crazy.
Anyway. Back to Zadi and Leaf, since the narrator is sure they're in the middle of an exciting exchange.
"Could you get me a coffee?" Zadi asks. "Thanks."
Leaf exits That Funny Looking Apartment, slightly out of breath from running down seven flights of stairs. Now she regrets not signing up for that apparation class that some leaflet had been advertising.
Though the price of two souls seemed a bit steep.
It takes her a while to adjust to the bright sunlight. She's already sweating from the heat, so takes her jacket off.
On her walk, she encounters an explosion that's not important enough to elaborate on, and also a robbery that is important enough.
However, the narrator is too lazy. So hah.
The inside of Three Corners is sweet and charming, just like the girl who stands behind the counter, smiling at Leaf in an innocent manner.
"Hi, I'm Minnie. Minnie Dragoste. And nothing else. I'm just Minnie, not Minaret, even though I may look exactly like her. I'm not a goddess, just an innocent girl who happens to work here. What would you like to order?"
Leaf asks for Zadi's coffee, and then looks at the range of baked goods on displays. Her stomach rumbles. There are sausage rolls, cheese buns and other savoury foods. There are also all kinds of cake, all beautifully decorated.
Dramatic theme music suddenly begins, and, in a puff of smoke, a girl appears. "Who summons the Almighty Cheese from The Great Beyond?"
Leaf stares, but having spent enough time in Casper Town, she quickly recovers. "Wasn't me."
"Oh. Whoops, then." The girl vanishes.
Leaf turn back to Minnie, but she seems distracted. She follows the girl's gaze, eyes landing on...Musa.
Outside, Musa is passing Three Corners in her mobility scooter, eyes locked on Minnie's, and Leaf feels like she's intruding on a private moment; their eyes are filled with tenderness, love and a tinge of sadness.
Music starts again, this time someone crooning about heartbreak accompanied by violins. Time slows down, conveniently letting any cameramen to focus and zoom in on both their faces if a movie adaption were to be made.
But he lighting isn't dramatic enough, so time rewinds. Musa meets Minnie's gaze again.
This repeats several times to get the scene perfect.
While this is happening, Leaf stands awkwardly, waiting for the coffee.
Early afternoon
Drip. Drip. Drip.
The ice-cream in Hundred's hand is already melting, thanks to the heat of the sun.
"Here."
The tourist takes the ice-cream. There's something unnerving about the way the girl is looking at him. She is doll-like, with adorable curls that tumble down her back. But her black eyes bore right into him, as if considering the best way to murder him without leaving any evidence. Despite the heat, he shivers, and then hurries away.
Another comes and takes his place. "What flavors do you have?" she asks, fiddling with the review she'll give as payment.
"Chocolate, raspberry, apple, peach, sugar, honey, ice, tea, mosquito, onion, turkey, hair, ether, rat, fudge, uterus, coffee, koala, iron, nut, grandma, blood, ichor, tippex, cheesecake, human," Hundred says.
"Who summons the Almighty Cheese from The Great Beyond?" a mighty voice cries from the smoke that has appeared in the room. Theme music begins, but it's cut off.
"Wasn't me," Hundred says. "And seriously, do you have to do the whole dramatic appearing thing? You just scared all my customers away."
Cheese looks around the ice-cream shop guiltily. It's true; the previously crowded shop is now empty. "Sorry. I thought I heard my name," she explains and vanishes. Dramatically.
Hundred sighs.
An Asian girl walks into the shop cheerfully. "Hi, Gloss!"
"Hi, Snow."
Snow looks around. "Hmm. I'd thought this place would be busier today."
"It was, until Cheese appeared—"
"Who summons the Almighty Chee—"
"Wasn't me."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Anyway, like I was saying, she scared them off."
"Ah. I see. But hey, the new torture device I ordered from Amazon finally arrived. Want to help me test it out?" Snow asks eagerly
Hundred brightens immediately. "Sure! Just let me go get the tourist that tried to rob my shop a couple of scenes ago- I mean, in the morning. He'd probably make an excellent test subject," she says, opening the freezer and dragging out the frozen tourist.
Snow smiles. "Excellent."
Late afternoon
The Professor smiles happily as he takes his collection of soul-erasing thesauri for their daily polish. A smile which fades when he hears a soft "ook".
He looks up and, yes, as he expected, there's a shadowy figure crouched upon one of his towering bookshelves. He sighs.
"I've already given you your bunch of bananas," he calls upwards. "Remember our deal? You stop coming into my library in return for monthly bananas."
"Ook."
"What do you mean, they were too small? They were normal-sized bananas."
"Ook."
"No. No more bananas until next month."
"Ook."
"...Oh, fine. But you better not return for a month."
"Ook."
The Professor disappears for a while, before coming back with some bananas. He tosses them upwards, and a large hand scoops them up.
A parting "ook", and then his visitor vanishes.
"Finally!" the Professor exclaims. "Now I can get back to you lovelies," he says tenderly, reaching out and stroking the cover of one of the thesauruses. "Who feels like a polish first? Charles? Joanne? Steve? Hmm. Or maybe you, Jim—"
A sound alerts him to a new iMessage. He scowls as he picks his iPhone up.
It's Marz.
Cendi's acting strange. I can't understand a word she's saying. Please come quickly!
The Professor scowls. No way. He's just gotten settled with his beauties, and now-
Another message appears.
This is urgent. If you don't come I'll start using chtspk.
"Argh!" the Professor groans. Marz knows him too well. He walks towards the fireplace, tossing a handful of Floo powder into the fire.
"What is it?" Plug demands in a grouchy tone, wiping soot off his coat.
"Like I said, Cendi," Marz says, pointing to the small huma— creatur— well, some sort of thing, sat in the corner, light from her laptop reflecting off her glasses.
She briefly looks up. "asdfghjkl" she exclaims.
"See! Like that!"
"Hmm. I see," Plug says, pondering.
"ALL THE FEEEEEELS" Cendi screams suddenly, causing the two males to scream. And then look embarrassed at having hit such high notes.
"why why why" she mumbles.
"Why isn't she talking with punctuation?" Marz asks worriedly.
The Professor's forehead wrinkles as he thinks. "Give me a moment," he says.
He walks up to Cendi cautiously, peering at her computer screen.
"Oh, I understand!"
"What is it?" Marz asks.
The Professor doesn't answer at first, instead concentrating on pulling the laptop away from Cendi. She doesn't resist, and instead envelops him in a hug and bawls. "#crying brb" she gasps out.
"Just..." It's hard for the Professor to speak, what with Cendi basically choking him and whatnot, but he makes a passable attempt. "Next time...keep her away...away from Tumblr...and well-written...Thorki angst."
Evening
Evenings in Casper Town normally consists of everybody gathering in The Forum, and today is no different. Humans, leprechauns and other creatures of questionable species are engaged in conversation and drinking, but the true entertainment today is the newly-created zombie that Snow and Hundred brings along.
(It looks slightly familiar to some of the tourists, but they're sure it's just a coincidence. Though they haven't seen Bob for a while, now they think of it...)
In a dark corner, Old Man Tard scowls at the laughing crowd. "Idiots. Huh. Wonder what they'll do when zombies start developing intelligence." (Yep, the weather's currently sunny outside.)
The Professor is sitting next to him, massaging his throat. "Eh. If things get out of hand, I've got these." He points to his thesauri. To demostrate, he chucks one at the zombie. It collapses to the disappointment of the audience.
"Hmph." Old Man Tard isn't satisfied. "What if they get quicker, then? They'll be able to dodge your books. And then what would you do, except watch in horror as they make their way towards you, ready to eat your brain? And why do you keep massaging you throat?"
"It's a long story. It started when...well, see, I have this monthly friend," the Professor begins to explain.
Tard turns pale for some reason.
"This month, the monthly visitor came early—"
"Alright, alright, I've heard enough! Uh, if you're having that kind of problem, you really should be talking to someone more qualified than me. Uh...any of the ladies would do." He quickly escapes, leaving behind a bemused Professor.
"Boo!"
"Argh!" The Professor jumps up, freaked out.
There is much sniggering. Nemo appears, Ro in her lap. "Scared you," she taunts.
"Did not," the Professor grumbles.
"Did so."
"Did not."
"Did so."
"Did not."
"Oh, this makes me feel like I'm stuck in one of those time loops," Ro complains, vanishing.
Across the room, Musa and Cendi(now recovered...sort of) watch the siblings squabble, amused.
"Oh yes," Musa suddenly says. "Something...happened today." She is still knitting, as usual, as if, if she stops, the whole universe will implode. Not that it actually will, of course.
Of course.
Cendi turns to her, curious. "do tell"
"Well, I was making my way down the high street, when I caught the eye of this girl in Three Corners. And...I don't know. It was sort of like we were in this cheesy rom com—"
"Who summoned the Almi—"
"Wasn't me."
"Oh. Sorry."
"As I was saying, like a rom com. Our eyes met...and I had the strangest feeling I knew her from somewhere..."
Cendi seems very interested in her drink for a moment. "cant imagine why. hey look what sophies doing" she says, abruptly changing the subject.
Sophie's cornered a group of terrified tourists and is sitting there, not letting anyone move.
Musa frowns at Cendi, but drops that subject. "I trained her well," she says proudly.
"indeed"
"Ouch. Poor guy."
"his fault cause he shouldnt have tried to escape"
"Heh. Yes."
And that concludes this chapter.
Of course, many things also happen in the night, but this is not the time to reveal them.
Since the narrator's getting bored.
And really should be revising.