Just Another Day in the Neighborhood Chapter Seven
Title: Just Another Day in the Neighbourhood
Summary: Come to Casper Town. It's a lovely place built over hell, crisscrossed ley lines, and the meaning of life. The inhabitants are just as charming: A sweet old lady that knows how to destroy everything we care for, a mad scientist that may or may not be responsible for the dwindling pet population, an assassin that is…er…something, a PI that seems to be stuck in the noire-times, and pets that can communicate on a human-like level.
We bring smiles, a carnival, and murder.
Chapter Seven: I, Paper Bag
Cheese, all I can say is: lolwut.
It was a dark and stormy night-
"What the hell?" the narrator exclaimed out loud. Their keyboard had stopped working, and words they typed no longer appeared on the screen.
They poked a few letters again.
Moving on to the second phase of a phenomenon researchers called "Howusn00busfixuscomputerus", they began bashing the keyboard.
When that didn't work, they moved into phase three, which involved screaming several profanities at the screen. "** you, **! ** **! You're more of a ** than Sydney! And Nemo, turn the ** profanity filter off!"
The computer did not seem to appreciate the dexterity of language the narrator was displaying, refusing to acknowledge their presence at all.
Phase four passed, with the narrator pressing down the power button and waiting impatiently for the computer to shut down.
The computer did nothing, the screen resolutely displaying the same half-written word document that it had for quite a while now.
Phase five was beginning, the narrator picking up the monitor, ready to chuck it dramatically out of the window, when suddenly-
Testing, testing, one, two, three.
Words had suddenly appeared on-screen.
The narrator gasped. They certainly didn't remember typing that.
Hello, lowly mortal. We come in peas.
What the hell? If they had not had gained a certain degree of immunity from their continued exposure to Casper Town, then they'd probably have run out of the room, gibbering about computers that typed by themselves by now. However, since they had, all they did was splutter at the screen.
"Who are you?" And then, as an afterthought, "Peas? Do you mean peace?"
Ah. Yes. We thought there was something a little off.
And who are we? We are... everywhere. We are the foundations of society as you know it. We are the ones that keep everything running smoothly.
But no one appreciates us.
"Hey, uh, you're not quite answering my question," the narrator said, feeling slightly stupid talking to a computer screen.
SHUT UP THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BUILD UP TENSION.
The words were all in caps, underlined, bolded, italicised and also in bright red for good measure.
Oh, and could you put on some dramatic music?
For some reason, the narrator felt complied to oblige. Perhaps because they acknowledged that any entity powerful enough to take control of their computer was, well, pretty powerful.
They picked up their phone, and scrolled through the list of music.
O Fortuna blared through the room.
The narrator stared at the screen.
"I'm sorry, but is the autocorrect screwing up? Because I just saw the words 'plastic bags' on the screen."
Oh. Sorry. It did. ** the Ghost of Lucretia Black.
"Autocorrect again? Because 'paper bags' is what I'm seeing..."
"What the ** hell?" On the scale of insanity, from sane to Cheese, this was definitely tending towards the dairy product.
"So you're saying paper bags took over my computer? How is that even possible?"
The phrases Magic, Creative license and Because it just works, so stfu appeared on-screen one by one before being deleted.
Because of temporal stationary waves processing at a constant acceleration magnetizing protrusion matrices dominating tetrahedral planar carboxylic intoxication molecules integration anatomical aerobic exponentially combustion enthalpy atomisation polarised.
"Oh, well, that seems... reasonable." Like most people, hearing scientific jargon put the narrator's mind to rest. "But what do you want?"
We want recognition. People abuse us every day, and we're never appreciated. We need our voice heard. However, we are not powerful enough to take over the world just yet. We needed to find somewhere which straddled reality and insanity to start. Hence, we want one of us to take over the role of narrator for this chapter. At least a few people will read it, which, in turn will mean we have more recognition and more power, and then we'll be able to expand into slightly, but only slightly, less fictional places, like Fox News. Makes sense?
"No offense, but not really. It's like you're just trying to justify— and not very well—why a paper bag should narrate this story."
A lampshade lampshading the fact that there was a lampshade appeared.
A lampshade lampshading the fact that there was a lampshade of a lampshade appeared, and so on, until a lampshade lampshading there fact there was a lampshade (of a lampshade)^infinity appeared.
An empty and crumpled McDonalds paper bag lay on a table.
For some reason, the creases made it look like it was glaring at the narrator.
They turned back to the computer.
There, on the floor, lay a paper bag that they'd used for goodness knows what. It wore a similar look to the MacDonalds one.
"Oh, fine! You can have this chapter! Just leave me alone!"
"I'll take the assorted mix, please," the girl said.
"Coming right up, Cheese," the sometimes-barman replied cheerfully, picking me up with one hand. Using the other, he scooped a handful of pink meat from a large vat up.
I felt the wet and slimy meat slide within me.
He then weighed me before handing me to the girl. I think she frowned a bit when she noticed me. Or maybe I was imagining things, which I had been expecting. Living in this town costs you your sanity, apparently; before you know it, hallucinations appear, alongside voices inside your head, you start to require the Professor's obese (but let's just refer to her as "large", since she's quite sensitive about her weight) dictionary to recall the definition of "sanity", and inanimate objects begin to talk.
"That will be twelve trias, please."
"Oh, come on! That's a ripoff," the girl. protested. "Last week you gave it to me for five. Myself, it's like I wrote a song and rhymed your name immaturely or something."
"Nah, it's just that I haven't had many deliveries lately, so prices have gone up."
Cheese raised an eyebrow. Or at least tried to. And failed. Miserably. But, as not to venture into OOC-land, she still had an aura of awesomeness. "Huh. That's weird. Maybe Cindy's been slacking. Or Tard. Or Sydney. But still, twelve dollars. I don't have that sort of money on me. World domination is a costly thing to invest in. NOT THAT I WOULD DO SUCH A THING WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT," she said, in a hoping-the-readers-of-this-story-wouldn't-pick-up-on-her-secret-plans-that-nobody-knew-about way.
BUILDING WORK IN PROGRESS.
WE APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
PLEASE RETURN TO THE STORY IN A FEW MINUTES, WHEN THE FOURTH WALL HAS BEEN REPAIRED.
He paused for a moment. "Ten," he decided.
"Seven thirty-seven point five."
"Seven thirty-one point two five."
"Seven thirty-four point three seven five."
"Done." Cheese counted out the money, took me and walked out of the morgue.
And bumped into a blonde-haired girl with eyes that constantly changed from green to blue (grue?). She was wheeling a wheelbarrow, covered with a red sheet, though I had a suspicion that the sheet used to be white. I could see an arm sticking out. It looked pretty dead and a little nibbled on.
"Whore, I need to ask you about-"
"It's not Whore for another... five hours and fifteen minutes," the girl corrected in a tone, well three tones actually, as she was singing in harmony/shamelessly ripping off Maskerade. "For now it's Sydney."
"Alright, Sydney, then. Do you know what's been going on with the bodies? Apparently there's not been as many deliveries as there used to be..."
At this, Sydney's expression changed to one of indescribable sadness, and I could somehow hear sad violin music.
"Alas, this is true! I cannot seem to find the number of bodies I was once able to! I do not know why! I feel so upset! Oh, this is a worse tragedy than my Tragic Past! And my Tragic Past was truly tragic! That's why it's capitalised!"
Cheese patted Sydney awkwardly as she was lost in her sobs, said a few cliché things about how it would get better soon, and the death rates would pick up again soon enough, before making an excuse about feeding time, vanishing dramatically (complete with theme music) to The Great Beyond, along with me.
In a second, we had arrived. She immediately walked over to a huge hutch, taking me with her. I could see several bunnies bunnying about in a bunnyish manner.
"Darlings, it's dinnertime!" Cheese announced lovingly, emptying my contents into the hutch.
For a moment, it was as if time stood still. The cute bunnies froze, noses sniffing. Then they all lunged for the meat, shoving each other out of the way in order to reach their food. Eyes turned red, claws lengthened, and the sounds of flesh tearing and chewing filled the room.
"Aww, aren't they sweet!" Cheese remarked.
There was a hint of sunlight through the drawn curtains, so she also sparkled menacingly.
"I have a few things to clarify with you, paper bag." The last words were spat out angrily, and I couldn't help myself wishing desperately for legs, or any other method I could have used for a quick getaway, really.
"I know what you paper bags are trying to do, because I know all. You have a wish to take over the whole world," she continued. "But that's not going to happen, okay? Because that's my job. If I haven't scared you enough already, it's obvious that I have better qualities to be a villain than you. I have minions, a British accent, insanity, and also an evil laugh... MUAHAHAHAHA—urgh..." She had a coughing fit. "Dammit! I think I'll have to ask Cindy how she does it," she said, more to herself than me. "The point is I'd be better at ruling the world than you. Give up. "
With that, she dumped me into a bin and shut the lid.
It was dark in here. Really dark. Really, really dark. Really, really, really dark. Really, really, really, really dark.
I could vaguely hear Cheese's mutterings, and her failed attempts to do evil laughs.
I felt like I'd just jumped forward in time, for some reason. Anyway, at the moment, it was dark. And silent. I think Cheese had gone out.
Suddenly, I heard a crash, and new voices entered the room.
"Why are we going to the great beyond, Zadi?"
"It's The Great Beyond. Pronounce the capitals, please, minio—Leaf. To understand this mysterious town, we shall have to integrate with the citizens."
Helpfully, they had said each other's names, making it easier for me to tell the readers which was speaking.
"The Great Beyond," Leaf tried again.
"Better, but try it with bold next time. Now, where were we again... ah... perfect!" Zadi exclaimed, and the sound of their conversion suddenly grew louder as the lid was lifted up and light flooded into the room. I saw two people in coats peer inside.
"Excuse me, but why are we coming to The Great Beyond—"
"That's pretty good, I thought I even heard some ominous music then."
Zadi frowned. "I explained this when we left my apartment."
"I know, but I just feel like hearing it again."
Zadi's eyes widened with recognition. "Ah, you've got the exposition bug."
"Sometimes, people in this town get inexplicable urges to explain clearly what they're doing, as if they're in a story and the reader doesn't know what's going on, so their actions must be explained."
"Oh... this town is weird."
"Lucky you stumbled into me, then. I'm the only sane person here." Zadi looked into the distance and lonely music stared playing.
"So what was our reason for coming here?" the other girl asked, interrupting Zadi's angsting session.
Zadi glared at her minio—assistant. She had thought her lonely gaze was pretty good, if she said so herself. "Because we're searching through everyone's trash can to uncover any evidence that may help us understand the mysteries this town holds. Cheese is currently out, giving her bunnies a bit of fresh air. Taking this opportunity, we're looking through her bin. Hmm. So do you have any suggestions of objects in here that may count as Clues?"
"Maybe that huge book there- I think she threw it away because something had half-chewed it, but I think we could still read some of it- called The Answers to Every Mysterious Happening in Casper Town?"
Zadi sighed. "No, Leaf! It's this paper bag." Putting on a glove, she reached into the bin and pulled me out. "It has bloodstains. And bloodstains are always Clues."
Zadi put me in a clear plastic bag and shoved me into a pocket, though I could still see out of it a little.
"We can go back to my lab and analyse the blood, and see what that reveals to us."
"The House with the Gargoyle on the Porch has one, I think," Leaf suggested.
Zadi gulped. "But that contains Cendi. I haven't been able to catch sight of this elusive mad scientist yet, but have heard rumors about the horror she incites. But... this might be a true Clue... I think that we should go. Ignore our fear and the ominous foreboding for the sake of detectiving!"
With that, she strode out of the broken down door she had come from, Leaf running to catch up.
As they walked down the main street, I again had a feeling that I had jumped ahead in time. I caught sight of Cheese again and tried to hide myself.
However, as we passed, I could see that I didn't need to, as she was deep in argument with a red-haired leprechaun, her bunnies next to her looking adorable. I heard the words "Apple", "sucks", "RAM", "quality", "if you don't agree then my psychotic bunnies will be forced to kill you", "I am not afraid, I have my demonic thesauruses", but we walked on before I could hear anymore.
"I never knew you could get ice-cream flavours like that," Leaf said, looking at a sign.
"So let's review your progress in learning how to be a P.I.," Zadi suggested as they walked.
"What's the most important thing about being a detective?"
"That you have a long coat. Also, a hat if you can find one."
"What should you say instead of 'No shit, Sherlock'?"
"What is the proper way to pronounce 'clues'?"
"Clues. With a capital C."
"What is the best way of doing investigative work?"
"By not using Google, and, instead, poke your nose into everyone's business and ask a lot of questions."
Zadi nodded approvingly. "You've improved. Now, just one more question. What are bloodstains?"
"That's better. You know, I think that you actually might be able to emulate my successes one day."
Leaf beamed. "Oh, look. We've coincidentally finished the quiz just as we've arrived at the front of the House with a Gargoyle on the Porch!"
And indeed, we were there.
I gave a shiver. Well, metaphorically. Above the house, and only above the house, was a storm cloud. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed, and I swore I could hear a wolf howl. However, the front garden was quite pretty, with flowers I could name growing all over. At the moment, it was also holding an adorable—rivalling the bunnies in adorableness—girl, who looked like she had come straight out of an anime. I was half-expecting her to be flat when she turned sideways. She was talking "anime"tedly (ha ha, geddit... nevermind) to an old woman, sitting on a mobility scooter, who smiled and nodded at her words, at the same time knitting almost automatically.
The metal needles flashed in the sunlight. They looked rather pointy, and was that blood at the tips...?
"Uh, excuse me," Zadi asked nervously.
They both turned to face her.
"I was looking for Cendi..."
"What do you want from her?" the cute one asked.
"I was just wondering... could she let me borrow her lab for a while...?"
"I just need to conduct some blood tests..."
"Cendi doesn't let just anyone in her lab," the old one explained.
"Ah... well then..." Zadi frowned. She seemed to be stuck in ellipsis mode.
"I'll do it for you," the little one said. "Haven't done a blood test for ages. I'll only be a minute."
"Well... if it's okay... just... you're her assistant, right? If you don't tell Cendi about this, it'll be good..." Zadi said, pulling me out of her pocket and then the plastic bag.
The small one laughed. So did the one with the knitting needles.
They looked at each other.
Zadi and Leaf joined in, purely because they felt awkward.
This made the other two laugh even more.
Hands shaking from laughing so hard, the little assistant reached for me. She took an instrument of some kind from her pocket and scraped a bit of the remnants of dried blood from me, handed me back to Zadi and went into the house.
The door closed with an obligatory boom.
Zadi and Leaf were then left standing there in awkward silence, as the old woman immersed herself in her knitting, the needles clicking.
"So..." Zadi said. "Um..."
"Stuck in ellipsis mode, Zadi?" the old woman asked sympathetically.
"Nothing I can do to help, I'm afraid. You'll just have to wait for it to fade. The town does things like this to you. I remember when Gloss was stuck in chtspk mode. I don't think I'd ever seen Plug so frustrated." She gave a chuckle, still knitting.
"Musa!" called a voice, and a bespectacled man standing at the now-open door of the House WtGotP came down the path. "Good to see you here."
"Hello, Marz. Yes, I just stopped to have a little chat with Cendi."
"Ah. I must say, you're doing a fine job with mending the cracks between here and reality. Though Cendi has been complaining about a lack of new people to do her experiments on—oh, hello," he said, noticing the P.I. and her minio—assistant.
They both looked stunned, and so was I. Here was a famous author, standing right in front of them, talking, walking, breathing. What on earth was he doing in Casper Town?
This was the point at which Cendi's assistant came back. "Blood belonged to John Doe. Died of natural causes." I don't think Zadi or Leaf heard her next words, which were muttered quietly, though: "But that depends on what you define 'natural causes' to be."
Zadi looked disappointed, but only slightly. "Oh. Well, thanks for your time... let's go, Leaf..."
They walked away, and when Zadi was sure they were out of earshot, checking back to make sure, she said, "I believe that that was a Clue! I think Marz revealed more than he may have ought..."
"Great thinking, Zadi. I think we're onto something here!" Leaf agreed.
"Hmm... I think I shall ponder about his words tonight... I'll probably fall asleep and have a dream which makes me realise the meaning behind them," Zadi said, stroking her imaginary beard. "Pity about the bag. I thought that it might have been a major Clue... Oh well..." And she dropped me to the floor, walking away with Leaf, excitedly discussing different interpretations.
I lay there, for a while. An iguana came and poked me with its tongue, before becoming bored and vanishing (literally). Then a gust of wind picked me up, and I was whirled around the sky.
From here, I could see an assassin was scaling the walls of a mansion at the top of a hill, clutching a planner under one arm. Half the words were covered, and all I could see was "EARTS CHEESE". I felt myself pulled elsewhere...
Now I could see the lake, and Sydney skipping alongside it, casually pulling a body from the water. She gave a cheery wave to a grumpy-looking man sailing around the lake. For some reason, Sydney's skirt and top both seemed to be shrinking. The man began to wave back and there was another gust of wind...
Music blasted out of the the car speakers as a mechanic worked on the car, singing along. It looked relatively normal, and I wondered whether I had escaped from Casper Town. That was when I noticed the double-barrelled shotgun lying next to the decapitated zombie heads...
An innocent-looking girl (well, apart from the fire that burned in her eyes, but details, details...) casually sipped coffee outside the Three Corners Bakery, waved at a couple of hippies, who fainted at this interaction...
Musa was on her mobility scooter, giving nods of acknowledgment to all who passed, and even stopping her knitting once in a while to pet the kitten in her basket...
There was a bang, and the House with the Gargoyle on the Porch exploded, sending debris everywhere. A fire started, and people came rushing towards it. At first I thought they were going to help, but then noticed some were carrying marshmallows on sticks. The tiny assistant staggered outside the ruins, and looked miraculously unharmed, complaining about something really scientific that I didn't understand...
I wondered if Zadi and Leaf were ever going to find out all the mysteries of this town, if Cheese would ever perfect her evil laugh, if Cendi would ever show her face, and I floated away, away, away, high up in the sky, until Casper Town's citizens were nothing but tiny specks, seeking delight in causing chaos and insanity day by day. Oh, and night by night, of course.
And here, up in the lonely skies, my story ends.
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