A Court of Pain and Pleasure (Ch. 15)
Summary: Evelyn tries to handle Azriel's rejection, making for several awkward interactions and one wholesome one with Cassian. Meanwhile, the Inner Circle prepares for the Court of Nightmares.
Word Count: 5.4k
Warnings: Chronic disability/pain, cussing, fluff, mentions of violence
Notes: enjoy!!!
Next Chapter: Chapter Sixteen
ACOPAP Masterlist
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I woke up the next morning and could feel how swollen my eyes were, likely still ringed in red.
Once, when I was really young, some girl insulted me, telling me no one would ever want to marry a girl who couldn’t even walk right. I had cried for hours while Nesta sat near me. It had only been right before bed that I stopped and she warned me, saying, “Never cry before you fall asleep because the tears will mark your eyes for two days instead of one that way.” Not to mention the verbal lashing she had given that girl the next day.
She was right.
I groaned and rolled out of bed, noting her absence. She had probably gone to check on Elain while I slept.
I padded my way to the bathing room. Like every other room in the house, it was immaculately decorated with white marble walls, a bathtub large enough for twenty people, and an assortment of scented lotions and soaps that could have filled a whole store.
Placing my hands on the counter, I leaned in to evaluate my reflection. My eyes were swollen and puffy. I frowned at them, noting the lack of sleep drawing lines on my face as well.
I could almost see the dejection manifested around me in a physical cloud of sadness.
Fuck Azriel and his rejection. Fuck his silence. Fuck his unwillingness to actually show emotion for once in his godsdamned life.
And fuck his stupidly perfect handsome fucking face.
I chuckled to myself, knowing that once upon a time Elain would have gasped at my foul mouth. That thought alone gave me the strength I needed to will back the tears that were threatening to spill again and stand straighter. I had to keep my composure for my sister, even if I couldn’t keep it for myself.
My eyes continued to trace my features, pausing on my catlike green eyes, the slight upturn of my straight button nose, and the slight curve of my hips. I might not be stoically gorgeous like Nesta, classically beautiful like Elain, or powerfully stunning like Feyre but I was attractive in my own right.
I was beautiful, in a way. Beyond everything, I was determined, which was enough to satisfy me.
Any male would be lucky to have me. But I didn’t need a male and I never had.
As much as I had cared for Cyril, our engagement had been out of companionship and convenience more than love or a soul-deep need.
And Azriel… I wanted him. I had told him as much and I meant every word. That want wasn’t going to disappear in one night, even with how blatantly he had rejected me. But I didn’t need him. Not right now…
I gathered my hair into a messy bun and left the room with newfound confidence. Pulling on leggings and a loose top, I practically bounced on the balls of my feet into the hallway. I peeked into Elain’s room and saw Nesta reading next to her. Deciding to leave them alone and that I had bothered Nesta enough, for now, I pranced down into the kitchen.
I hummed to myself as I danced around the kitchen, opening cupboards in a desperate hunt for a mug. I smiled triumphantly as I found one but it quickly turned into a frown as I realized that the entire shelf was filled with plain white mugs. Clearly, I was going to have to paint one to say “Best High Lord” for Rhysand. At the very least, some of them needed floral designs or something.
Carrying the mug in one hand, I restarted my hunt, only this time looking for tea. I knew Rhysand had indicated the house was enchanted to conjure food and drinks but something about the process of making tea had always soothed me. I only hoped that the kitchen was still stocked since it wasn’t often used.
I opened the cupboard next to the mugs and realized there was only one box of tea leaves. Curious.
I pulled it out, trying to discern what the flavor was just by the appearance. Taking a deep inhale, I realized.
The mug in my left hand fell to the ground and shattered.
Black currant.
“Shit,” I muttered, but even I couldn’t tell if it was over the tea or the broken mug. Probably both.
Tears stung my eyes again as I realized Azriel must have put that in there. That, or it was some cruel coincidence.
It was the tea I had made for him when we had first met all those months ago. My heart clenched as I remembered how he had gotten the teacups down for me. The feel of his body beside mine as he easily grabbed the cups from the highest shelf…
I had been so snappy with Elain as she fawned over him. All over a male I had just met.
I put the tea on the counter and knelt to clean the shards of ceramic. I swept them into a small pile before trying to scoop them into my hands. One sliced my palm and I hissed as a small pool of blood welled there. I watched the blood bead from the cut, momentarily hypnotized as my mind went blissfully blank.
Steps approached the kitchen, startling me enough that I quickly stood. I dropped the shards into the trash bin and turned to face the entrance.
Rhysand strolled in confidently, Azriel following behind him.
I stiffened, holding my wrist with my uninjured hand as my palm continued to bleed. I kept my eyes on Rhys, giving him a small smile, even as I could feel Azriel looking at me.
“You’re hurt.”
His deep voice rumbled through the room and I rolled my eyes before finally looking at him. “Astute observation, shadowsinger. Gods Rhys, wherever did you find such a competent male to be your Spymaster?”
Rhys glanced between the two of us with an eyebrow raised but didn’t say anything.
Addressing the High Lord, I said, “I’m sorry about the mug, by the way. Who knew my clumsiness as a human would carry over into my Fae existence?”
“It’s no issue,” he dismissed, “We have plenty of them. Although, you could have asked the House for a drink.”
I waved him off, finally walking over to pour some water on my hand, the line already healing to a faded pink slash thanks to my new High Fae blood. “It’s nice to make something for yourself once in a while. By the way, where’s my sister?”
“She’s with Cassian at the moment. They’re embarking on a… mission to get us some valuable information and potentially an ally for this upcoming conflict.”
“Oh?”
He nodded, clearly uncomfortable sharing any more than the tidbit of information. Not one to miss a hint, I shrugged and turned back to get another mug from the cupboard. I set to work boiling water and mixing in the tea leaves. I could only hope neither male noticed the shiver I couldn’t repress as the scent of black currant wafted up from the hot water.
Neither of the Illyrians said a word as I finished my cup of tea and sat at the counter to enjoy it. They both watched me intently, Rhysand with amusement, supposedly at my insistence to do things the “human way”, and Azriel with a smoldering intensity that had my stomach clenching and my heart skipping a beat.
I blew gently on the steaming cup and looked up at Rhysand through my lashes. “Any chance you could add another party to your Court of Nightmares visit? Nesta debriefed me on the whole thing last night after…” I trailed off, sneaking a glance at Azriel and deciding against addressing him, “After I went to her to ask after Elain’s condition. I’m interested to see this second court and I promise to stay out of trouble.” I said the last part with what I hoped was a halfway convincing grin of innocence. Though, judging by the laughter dancing in Rhysand’s eyes, he didn’t buy it.
“I’m not sure I can let a loose canon run wild in Keir’s domain, as much as I would love to. You’ve barely had a day of controlling your power and this mission cannot be compromised.”
I glared at the High Lord and wrapped both of my hands around the warm ceramic, feeling the calming heat flood my body with comfort. “I can control myself. You can even assign me a babysitter. Mor’s going, right?”
Rhysand still looked dubious as he considered my offer. I was about to get on my knees and beg him to let me go along. I couldn’t imagine sitting in the house alone, left with nothing to do but think of… of everything that’s happened.
Rhys’s loud sigh drew me out of my thoughts. I snapped my eyes to him and he reluctantly said, “You can go.”
I squealed, jumping off the stool I was perched on but before I could throw myself on the High Lord in gratitude, he pinned me with a harsh look. “But,” he started and I deflated, “Azriel will have to keep an eye on you.”
I froze.
“Nevermind, I’m good. I’ll keep Elain company.” I turned on my heel, placing the dishes in a sink and hoping the males would take that as an answer and leave.
A sigh of exasperation and then, “Evelyn.”
It wasn’t the High Lord who spoke my name with such irritation and exhaustion. I refused to turn around and look at him. I told him. I could not have made it clearer. I wanted nothing to do with him.
“Evelyn, don’t be childish.”
I whirled. “Don’t be childish?!” I growled at the shadowsinger.
I could see the edges of my vision glowing with the light I’d come to recognize as my powers and it wouldn’t surprise me if the males saw my eyes beginning to glow. Good. Maybe I’d even manage to strike a kernel of fear into his cold, dead heart.
“I think we have different definitions of childish, shadowsinger. I’d define it as walking away rather than expressing your feelings. In fact, as you should know, I’m very good at expressing my feelings which I don’t think is childish at all.”
He stalked forward, shadows spreading from him as he braced his arms on the counter opposite me. His eyes darkened and I could practically see the shadows forming inside them.
I didn’t back down from his gaze, though. I wouldn’t allow myself to. I crossed my arms over my chest and met his steely look with one of my own, challenging him to say I was wrong.
Rhys cleared his throat before either of us could intimidate the other further.
“Eve, you’re welcome to join us but you will need supervision. Azriel is the only one I can be sure won’t have his hands full with anything other than ensuring your safety.”
I looked between the two males before me. Rhys seemed to be pleading with me but I couldn’t understand exactly what he wanted me to say. I wasn’t going to yield on this but I did want to see the Court of Nightmares.
I sighed. “Fine. Azriel can shadow me,” I bit the inside of my cheek to hold back a grin at the irony of the pun, “But I can promise you I won’t make it easy on him. He made his choice last night.”
I turned on my heel and walked out of the kitchen without another word. I smiled to myself as I heard Rhys’s angry voice growl out, “What did you do?”
At least Rhysand was on my side.
I went upstairs, veering towards where Nesta and Elain had taken up residence in the library. I didn’t say anything to my sisters, not wanting to disrupt the silence that blanketed the room. I wasn’t even sure what I would say.
To ask how they were doing seemed foolish. I knew we weren’t alright.
I couldn’t bring myself to ask anything about the Cauldron, every time I thought about it all I could feel was that sickly smoke filling my lungs until I passed out. Even now, I could feel the way my lungs screamed for air and found none.
Shaking my head to clear the thought, I gently walked over to one of the many bookshelves, feeling Nesta follow the movements. My fingers traced the spines as I paced back and forth, looking for any title that seemed interesting.
I settled on a History of Prythian, hoping that it might have some more in-depth information than the books I’d found on the human side of the Wall. It was jarring to think about how recently I had been searching for a way to get Feyre back to the human realm when Prythian was where she belonged all along.
I sat in the chair next to Elain, taking one of her hands from where it was clasped on her lap into my own, and began reading. I knew Nesta kept one eye on her book and the other on us, but for once it was nice to just sit without having to think about every move I made or the impending war.
We sat there for a few hours until the sun reached its apex and shone through the windows as a harsh reminder of what little time we had before braving the Court of Nightmares. I heard footsteps and slipped my hand out of Elain’s to stand beside her, unsure who was approaching.
Feyre walked - or more accurately limped - into the room. I gave her a slight smile, nodding in solidarity as the sight of her aching limbs made me realize just how sore I was. It was difficult for me to feel it in this new body, so used to having such severe pain that this was a welcomed relief, despite the way I could now feel each muscle in my back whining which every movement.
“Hello,” she murmured, “It’s a fine day.”
I lightly snorted at her attempted conversation and she shot me a glare. Our focus moved to Nesta as she asked, “Where’s your menagerie of friends?”
I scrunched my face in an unattractive way, giving her a look that asked why the hell she would ask that. She knew I wanted to avoid the shadowsinger for as long as I could before we left. She also knew that Feyre had no clue what had gone down yesterday while she was otherwise occupied.
“Those friends have offered you shelter and comfort. Are you ready for tonight?”
Before Nesta could say something insulting about Feyre’s Court, I answered, “Yes. We’re ready. And we’re grateful for your friends’ generosity.”
Nesta scoffed and Feyre nodded a bit before moving closer to where I stood with Elain.
Feyre stood by my side, asking Elain, “What are you looking at?”
I was prepared to step in again, tell her that Elain hadn’t spoken much and maybe now wasn’t the time, but my elder sister’s voice quietly answered, “I can see so very far now. All the way to the sea.”
My lips parted in a silent gasp at my sister’s words, a hand lifting to my chest.
“It takes some getting used to,” Feyre responded, following Elain’s gaze out the window. I looked too, realizing just how far this new sight could go. It was terrifying and beautiful at the same time to understand the extent of my new body.
“I can hear your heartbeat - if I listen carefully. I can hear her heartbeat too.”
Everything stopped. I shuddered and stepped away from my sisters. Time seems to still as I remembered the pounding of my own heartbeat in my head as I lost myself completely. When I couldn’t breathe and the world crashed in on me. I remembered the look on Rhysand’s face as he prepared to strike me down to save my sister.
I took a few staggering steps back, struggling to even my breath and keep myself on my feet. Nesta raised a brow in question, worry flashing across her eyes for a second before she locked it down again.
“I-” I started, but couldn’t find the words.
Nesta cut in, “You know, with the hours I spent yesterday working on mental shields, you seem woefully unprepared for this trip, sister.”
Feyre furrowed her eyebrows as she drew her gaze away from Elain and the window. She blinked a few times before seeming to fully understand what Nesta had said. “Oh, yes. Evelyn, I think Rhysand is downstairs, he can show you the basics before we leave.”
I nodded mutely, still unsure of my voice, and quickly left the room. I shut the doors behind me as I left, taking a deep breath and trying to focus on any sound other than my heartbeat. Unfortunately, that left my ears to seek out any other sounds they could find. And they found the low rumbling of a voice downstairs that I recognized all too easily.
Despite the truth in Nesta’s excuse, there was no way I was going downstairs to find Rhysand if that’s where he was. So instead I took off down the hallway, seeking out that scent that was distinctly Cassian, hoping this Fae sense wouldn’t overwhelm me and could guide me to the right place.
Thankfully, the smell grew stronger the more I walked and I found myself in front of Cassian’s door. I strained my ears, only listening for proof he was in there. When I heard shuffling movements on the other side, I raised a hand and knocked. The sounds stopped for a moment before heavy footsteps approached the door.
Cassian pulled open the door, “Rhys, I swear-” He cut himself off, eyes widening in surprise when he looked down and realized it was me.
I smiled shyly up at him, feeling unexpected emotion sting the back of my throat.
“Evelyn?” He was adorably confused as he said it, almost as if he was questioning not only my presence in his doorway but everything in his life that had led to that point.
I let out a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob as I rushed forward, wrapping my arms around him as tight as I could.
His body locked up as I struggled to keep my hold while being mindful of his wings. Silent tears tracked their way down my face as I stood there, not willing to let go of him.
Eventually, his mind seemed to catch up with his body as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, petting one hand down my hair in a soothing gesture that just served to remind me of the feeling of another male’s hand on my head.
He froze again and I let out a sarcastic laugh as he seemed to hesitate. “Not used to dealing with crying females?” I asked him ruefully.
He pulled back a little with a shrug. “I’m much better with laughing ones.”
Before I could make another sarcastic remark, Cassian’s arms were back around me and he was lifting me off my feet, spinning me around the room.
Despite myself, I let out a giggle at his antics. A dashing smile crossed his features as my giggle turned into a full-out laugh and he crashed us back onto his bed.
As we both caught our breath and laid on our backs, I turned to grin at him. “Thank you, Cas. I needed that.”
His face turned serious but he gave me a tight-lipped smile in response. “I could tell.”
I shrugged, turning my gaze back to the ceiling so I didn’t have to see any judgment in his eyes.
“Care to tell me what that was all about, Eve?”
I shrugged again, though I could feel him staring at me, waiting for a response. When the silence had stretched on too long, I huffed and sat up. Looking at him, I crossed my arms and looked at him.
Of course, he looked perfectly at ease, arms crossed behind his head as he laid back. He likely had the patience to wait hours for me to confess what had been slowly eating away at my heart like a disease.
“Well…” I hesitated, unsure how much to tell him. “Elain said something about being able to hear heartbeats and it just… reminded me how overwhelming all of this has been. Beyond the war and…” An image flashed of Azriel’s back as he turned and walked away from me yesterday. I cleared my throat and continued, “Everything that happened with Feyre. The physical changes alone are enough to drive me mad if I focus on any of them long enough.”
Cassian had sat up as I spoke, stretching his long legs off the edge of the bed. He nodded, like this was something he was expecting. “I can imagine how difficult that adjustment is. Madja said you might have a harder time than your sisters considering…”
“Considering what?” I perked up, suddenly more interested in this than what had been bothering me.
“Well,” he started, “Of the three of you… you were the only one who didn’t wake up when you came out of that Cauldron. Madja said it was probably because of all the internal damage you had. The force of the magic to heal you, transform you into a High Fae, and other… changes were enough to render you unconscious for a month.”
Cassian had answered a question I realized I hadn’t even had. When I woke up, I was more concerned with my sisters and Azriel than I was with myself. I hadn’t even thought to ask anyone why I had been affected so differently than my sisters.
It made sense though. I was more broken than the rest of them. Even the Cauldron knew it, apparently. A broken doll that had to be rebuilt piece by piece.
“Thank you,” I whispered, the weight of his honesty sinking into me. Maybe if he could be honest, I could too. “That’s not all…”
He quirked a brow.
“I know you walked in on Azriel and me when we- Well, when we…” I blushed, hiding my face in my hands at the memory. Cassian made an encouraging noise and I looked at him.
“He rejected me, Cas,” my voice cracked on more unshed tears. “I was too broken for him, too.”
He pulled me into a hug, crushing me against his chest.
Tears threatened to spill again but I remembered the promise I made myself this morning. No more tears over him.
I pulled away from Cassian, standing abruptly and pacing before him. “It’s his loss.”
“Damn right, it is. I don’t know what the idiot was thinking.”
I stopped in my tracks. I wasn’t expecting him to agree with me so easily, to throw his brother under the bus like that.
“For what it’s worth,” he stood taking my hands in his, “You’re not too broken, Eve. For the Cauldron or Azriel. You’re too good. Neither one of them knew what to do with all the light in you. The Cauldron turned that light into power and Az… Well, Az is more content to stay in the dark. That’s on him, not on you.”
I smiled at him, a genuine one this time. This male had embraced me wholeheartedly just because of how much Feyre cared about me. I was eternally grateful I had somehow been blessed with his presence in my life. So I told him as much.
“Thank you, Cassian. For being the brother I never had and never realized I needed.”
“Anytime, kid.” He pulled me under his arm, ruffling my hair and I barked out a protest. I sometimes forgot just how much older these males were, and the things they had seen across centuries. “Kid” probably barely scratched the surface when it came to the differences between my life so far and Cassian’s.
I pulled myself away from him, straightening my hair and glaring. I opened my mouth to scold him but before I could, his door opened.
Azriel walked in, already talking. “Rhys needs us to pack up the Archerons and-”
His eyes met mine. I figured at the very least he would stop talking, ask what the hell I was doing here, anything. But a slight hitch in his breath and tensing of shoulders was all he gave away as he seamlessly continued, “Move them to the Town House. Now.”
“What?” I asked, confused why we’d have to leave so suddenly.
Azriel ignored me, keeping his eyes on Cassian.
Oh. So we were playing that game. Perfect.
Cassian crossed his arms in front of his broad chest, taking a protective step closer to me as he answered his brother. “I’ve got Evelyn. You can pack up the others.”
I offered him a grateful look. Azriel nodded slightly and left just as curtly as he had come, leaving wisps of shadow in his wake.
Minutes later, Cassian and I had packed “my” things - despite me never seeing over half of them before in my life - into a few bags that would be winnowed into my new room eventually. He scooped me into his arms, saying he’d rather fly me than have anyone else do it and I relented. He did, however, have to set me down to wrap his other arm around Lucien as Feyre told Nesta to go with Rhys. I didn’t let myself look at Azriel carrying Elain like she was fine china, ready to break at a single jostle.
Fine… Maybe I did. But just to check on my sister.
I watched Feyre try to fly, snickering slightly to myself as she gave up and winnowed. Azriel beat us there, Rhys close behind with a rather sickly-looking Nesta in his arms. Cassian landed gently, letting Lucien find his own way inside while he offered an elbow to me.
I laughed, wrapping one hand to rest on his forearm and patting it for good measure. “Such a gentleman.”
He smirked, walking with me through the grand door and into the sitting room.
Lucien was staring at a hallway like it had personally offended him and I raised an eyebrow as Rhys said, “Relax. Azriel isn’t the ravishing type.”
The memory of his hands on my body, his mouth on mine, and the way his body had slotted so perfectly against mine… I caught myself as I nearly snorted at Rhys’s words, turning it into a cough. Azriel was the definition of ravishing.
My coughing turned to cringing as the sound of Nesta retching echoed throughout the room.
“What did you do?” Cassian asked, horrified.
Feyre crossed her arms, “I asked him the same thing. He said he ‘went fast’.”
I smirked at my brother-in-law, though I’m sure Nesta was beyond upset with him.
Nesta threw open the door to the bathroom, her eyes aglow with a light I had never seen before. She nearly went after Rhys, that unholy light burning within her normally pale blue eyes, but Cassian dropped his arm from mine and stepped forward before she could.
“Do you know that the last time I got into a brawl in this house, I was kicked out for a month?”
At this, I did laugh. It was nervous and clipped but it dragged Nesta’s attention to me. Her posture seemed to soften and that glow left her gaze. It felt like the entire room had sighed in relief until Lucien, the idiot, asked, “What are you?”
I nearly slapped his arm but Nesta turned towards him and answered before I could, “I made it give something back.” She didn’t elaborate and I knew I was the only one who didn’t need her to. I knew exactly what it meant to go into the Cauldron and I knew exactly what my sister was capable of. “I wish to go to my room,” she said to Feyre.
Feyre shook her head to refocus as she realized Nesta was addressing her. My younger sister looked between me and Nesta as she answered, “Up the stairs, on your right. Second door. Or the third or fourth - whichever suits you. The spare is for Elain. We need to leave in… two hours.”
Nesta nodded and slunk upstairs. I moved to follow but Cassian’s whispered question stopped me. “Is that sort of thing even possible? For someone to take from the Cauldron’s essence?”
Before anyone else could answer, I turned around, halfway up the stairs. I breathed, “Yes.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised that they all heard me, and yet I was hoping they wouldn’t. All eyes turned my way and I did my best to channel Nesta as I kept my head up and said, “But it takes everything from you, too.”
I left before their questions, which I knew were coming, hit my ears. Quickly deducing which of the rooms Nesta had taken, I took the one farthest from the stairs, leaving Nesta between Elain and me. I figured she’d want equal access to both of us and I didn’t feel like being that close to the stairs. This way, I could close myself off the way I always had. Make my room my sanctuary and stay there as often as I could.
Two hours, Feyre had said. Two hours to get ready.
Thankfully, I was saved from having to get myself ready when Mor slipped into the room. She gave me a wide grin, floating over to the closet humming, no words spoken between us. I was grateful. I wasn’t sure what I would say.
She laid a dress out for me before turning, clearly an order to put it on. I did so without hesitation, noting the way the chiffon hugged me tightly before pooling near my feet. My left arm was covered in a black lace sleeve that reminded me of Feyre’s tattoos, the other left bare, exposing the upper part of my chest and accentuating my collarbones. The underlayer was the purest white, detailed with black until the bottom where it faded into the darkest black I’d ever seen. It reminded me of the day we had saved Feyre, when Azriel landed and his shadows had spread across the ice.
I smiled as Mor zipped it up, then she moved to work on my hair. “Isn’t it a little odd for me to wear white?”
She shrugged, gesturing at her own red gown, and teased, “I don’t really care. I’ve heard your eyes glow white so I figured your dress might as well match.”
“Huh,” I said, playing with the lace while she worked on curling my hair. “What else have you heard?”
I felt her go still in the way only a Fae could. “Everything.”
“Everything?” My voice cracked as I asked.
She moved to kneel in front of me and nodded.
“I- I don’t know what to do,” I admitted.
“Show him what an idiot he is.”
The words burned through me, lighting a fire that had only been smoldering embers until this moment. She was right.
Clearly, my determination showed because she just smiled and moved back, suddenly chatting about anything and everything.
When it was finally time to visit the Hewn City, Mor winnowed me in with her, insisting to Rhys that it was in the name of justice. He had no idea what she meant by that, and frankly neither did I, but he allowed it.
So we stood in the shadows of the throne room, waiting for Rhysand and Feyre to arrive, Azriel, Nesta, and Amren entering right before they did.
Mor nudged me with her shoulder, sending me forward, and whispered, “Make him beg,” before darting off.
I met Nesta’s eyes, smiling slightly as I took long strides to join her side, not even risking a glance at the shadowsinger behind her.
I knew I looked good. And despite being terrified, I was determined not to show any weakness, either to this false court or the male who had broken me in so many ways. So I channeled that fear and let it show in my eyes, that ring of white lining my vision as I let a little of that most deadly part of myself out.
I’d have him on his knees by the time we left.
-
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