The boy I was going to marry chapter 9
A/N: Ahh..thanks for all the lovely comments! Alrighty…this is…wow…the longest chapter yet. But honestly? The whole time I thought of the plot, this was the most heartbreaking one. And I cried! I friggin legit cried writing this. Now, it might not be as heartbreaking for you guys, but do read it and let me know, alright? For now, I think the worst (sad/angst) part is over! Two more chapters now till the last chapter ! So hang in there. Ahh…I really, really hope this chapter doesn’t disappoint and I think I just broke my heart over Mickey. Kay, I’ll let you guys decide <3 As usual, much love! Anon who has mixed feelings about Mickey, I hope this chapter does you proud! :D
[Past: 26th of August 1998]
I hadn’t seen Tom since that day.
He had told me he needed space and time to think things through.
And that seeing me would complicate things further.
I understand…
I’ll wait for you Tom.
I’ll wait.
So I had gone about my way, attending summer school.
To make up for my failing grades.
It was a way to distract me as well.
I tried to ignore the feelings of anxiety and panic.
Tom won’t let you down.
He has never done so.
Just be patient…
He’ll be there.
Tomorrow…
It was hard not seeing Tom at all…
We had hardly spent a day apart since meeting…
I miss you.
I miss your eyes, your curls, your laughter.
Your jokes.
You.
How many times had I been tempted to climb over to his place?
Like the hundreds of times we had done?
But I knew I had to give him space.
Too much had happened and we needed space and time for things to sink in.
He’ll be there tomorrow.
I don’t know what we’ll do or where we’ll go…
But we’ll be together.
Right?
So instead, I hugged Missy.
I hugged her and tried to comfort myself.
To calm myself down.
I would stare at the jar of yellow smarties he had given me.
Reassuring myself that he did love me.
He does.
I know he does.
It won’t matter after tomorrow.
Nonetheless, I could hardly contain myself.
Jumpy.
Anxious.
Scared.
But we have to try, right?
We have to.
I opened the front door to my house, thinking of ways to avoid contact with my parents.
We hadn’t spoken much since the day my dad confronted me.
It’s okay.
I won’t have to deal with this much longer.
Soon it will just be Tom and I.
I had just successfully reached the landing of the stairs, when my mother called out…
‘Mickey…’
Shit.
I don’t want to do this now.
Not when I’m feeling this way.
So unsure of what will happen.
I stopped and slowly turned around to face both of my parents, standing a few feet away from me.
‘Yes?’ I asked.
It’s just today, Mickey.
It’s just today.
Tomorrow you’ll see Tom.
You just need to get through this first.
My dad cleared his throat, seemingly uncomfortable.
We don’t have to do this you know?
Nothing will come out of it.
Nothing is going to stop me.
Someone has to start…
‘Is this about Tom again? Look, you’re wasting your breath and time…I’m not letting go of him…You don’t understand how much he means to me…I know you think I’m some stupid teenager who has a puppy crush love on the boy next door. But you…’ I started to say but my mother cut me off.
She said the two words.
The two words that made me feel as if my world had just fallen away.
No.
No.
‘He’s gone…’ she said, quietly.
No.
You’re lying.
He can’t be.
I saw his bedroom light go on last night.
He’s still here…
It’s my birthday tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the day I’m going to see him again…
He promised.
I stood there, stunned, frozen.
‘Yo—you’re lying…’ I whispered, my hands clenching into fists.
‘He’s gone, Mickey. His entire family left for London when you were in school today…’ my father said.
You’re lying.
It can’t be.
He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye to me.
He wouldn’t.
He can’t.
He promised that we would be together.
I couldn’t register anything.
I felt numb.
It’s not real.
It can’t be.
I swallowed, staring at my parents’ faces.
Willing them to tell me that they were lying.
But I knew…
I knew and it was slowly sinking in.
I can’t deal…
I have to see for myself…
I gave a cry and turned around, running up the stairs.
‘Mickey…’ I heard my mother cry out..
No.
I have to see for myself.
Tom.
Tom.
You can’t have left.
Not without saying goodbye to me first…
You can’t.
And then I was there, on Theodore, scrambling as fast as my limbs could.
His bedroom light is off.
But it’s daylight, right?
It’s daylight.
I’ll knock on his window…
And he’ll open it like he always does.
And then he’ll say my name in that one syllable so gently
So softly
So filled with love
Micks…
He’ll be there…
In his room…
And then I was there, outside his window.
‘TOM!’ I yelled, slamming my fist against his window.
‘TOM!’ I yelled again…
And then I looked in…
His room was empty save for a few items…
The packed boxes I had seen only just days ago were gone.
Gone.
I continued banging against the window, shouting his name.
Tom.
Tom.
Please, somebody open the window.
Somebody.
Anybody.
I slammed my fist against his window one last time, before sitting down on Theodore.
I can’t.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t…
This isn’t real…
Maybe…maybe he’s just gone out to buy groceries, right?
Maybe it’s a day trip…
He’ll be back…
He’ll always be back…
Remember how we said you would always come and I would always wait?
I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
Willing it all to be a nightmare.
Nothing more than a nightmare.
I felt my heart tighten a little bit more as panic began rising in me.
This is not real.
It’s not real.
I repeated over and over again, rocking on the branch.
I’ll open my eyes and he’ll be there.
He’ll be there, opening the window for me, hugging me.
Telling me it was all a silly hallucination.
Of course he would never leave me…
Not like this…
Not like this…
I opened my eyes slowly…
And then I saw it…
I saw on his window ledge…
The yellow hot water bottle with the stick man drawing of him with curls.
No.
The ‘It Takes Two’ VCD.
No.
And a jar of yellow smarties.
No.
No.
No.
I reached out to touch the stick man drawing on the hot water bottle.
Tom.
The finality of the situation finally hit me.
No.
I felt my throat constrict…I felt the behind of my eyes burn with unshed tears.
Is this goodbye?
I knew it was…
And then I saw a sticky note on the jar of yellow smarties…
I love you, Mickey Clarke.
This is goodbye.
I tried reading the words again.
Trying to make sense of it all.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.
Because my vision was already blurring with my scalding tears…
And I clutched the hot water bottle to me…
Tom.
Tom.
And when the first tear rolled down my right cheek…
It sunk in.
He’s gone.
He’s gone.
[end past]
[Present: 27th of August 2012]
‘Mickey…’ my mum called out, snapping me out of my thoughts.
‘Hmm?’ I looked up and saw her passing me the bowl of mashed potatoes.
I took it and mumbled my thanks.
My family and I had fallen into companionable silence…
There was no more hostility and we were trying to work our ways to be a family again.
A real family.
My mother had suggested we had my birthday dinner at home.
A tradition we hadn’t practiced for 14 years.
I’m happy.
I really am.
That we’re working our way towards being a family again.
Except all I could think of was that 14 years ago, Tom had left me the day before.
And 14 years later, he would be getting married tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
I hadn’t cried neither had I slept much since I had yelled at Tom to clean up his shit.
All I did was count down the days.
As far as I had heard, Tom had returned to London with Laura after dinner that night.
Perhaps it’s for the best.
He’s chosen her.
And there is no more room in his life for me.
And there is no more room in my life for him.
It didn’t make me feel any better.
But it was time to face the truth.
And the truth is Tom is getting married tomorrow.
And tomorrow, my heart can finally and utterly break.
No more of this.
No more pining.
No more crying.
Just numbness.
But shouldn’t I be used to it by now?
Every year on my birthday, I would remember how I had spent it 14 years ago, hugging Missy and that hot water bottle, sobbing my heart out.
And now, I’ll just have to accept that he’s going to be someone else’s.
It didn’t lessen the pain.
But it helped me feel numb.
And that was all I could do.
Then the doorbell rang.
‘Oh, I’ll get it…’ my dad said, pushing his chair back.
‘I wonder who that could be at this time of the night…’ my mum remarked.
I shrugged.
‘Do you like your favourite pasta?’ my mum asked.
I looked up at her and smiled in agreement.
My mum smiled happily.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you smile this way, Mum…
Tell me…
‘Mum?’
‘Hmm?’
‘Are you happy?’
Are you really, truly happy?
She paused for awhile, looking down at her plate before smiling…
‘Mickey, I am. I know it might seem hard to believe but I am…’ she said, quietly.
Mum, you deserve it, you know?
You deserve to be happy…
‘I mean…it takes a lot of work…you know, Mickey? Happiness sometimes just doesn’t come like that. Sometimes, it takes work, it takes two people who are willing to work together to create something beautiful…and everyone…everyone has their flaws. But the key…is to try…you will never know till you do…’
‘Even if that person has hurt you before? Even if…he broke your trust?’
We both know we aren’t just talking about Dad.
We’re talking about the men we love…
‘That depends…’
On?
‘On?’
‘It depends if you love him enough to try. And it’s not just the person you have to look at. But the relationship in its entirety. Did you love that relationship? If you did, is it enough for you to give that relationship a second chance? It depends on you…if you want it…then try, sweetheart. I tried. It’s not perfect but look at us. We’re getting there…’
I want…
I want a second chance…
I smiled at her.
I don’t think there was ever a time where we had ever sat down for a heart to heart this way.
My mum is strong…
I have to try and put this behind.
My parents are trying…
I need to try too…
Try to carry on and make things better…
Then we heard…
‘I’m sorry but no…’ I heard my dad say.
Who is that?
‘Please sir, I need to see her…’ I heard Tom’s voice.
Tom.
My heart stopped.
Tom.
He’s here?
‘No, Thomas…’ I heard my dad reply.
‘Mickey…Micks…please…I need to se—‘ I heard him call out.
Calling out to me.
I can’t move.
I can’t…
Tom is here.
He’s here.
‘That’s enough. Haven’t you caused her enough pain?’ I heard my dad say.
Dad.
I…
‘I just…I…’ I heard Tom say.
I could hear the desperation in his voice.
The desperation…
‘Mickey…’ my mum started as I pushed back my chair.
‘It’s okay, Mum…’ I said, quietly.
No.
Maybe it isn’t…
But he’s here.
And I have to see him.
Even if it’s just to say goodbye.
For the last time.
Even if it’s just that…
For the last time…
I walked over to my dad and I could make out Tom from behind him.
He was always tall and lanky…
‘Mickey…’ he said, quietly, looking at me.
My dad turned around and saw me standing there.
Standing there looking at Tom as if…
As if I was looking at the world.
No.
My world.
‘Mickey…’ my dad said, approaching me, putting himself between me and Tom.
As if to protect me.
To stand between me and pain.
And for the first time.
For the first time in a very, very long time.
I love you, Dad.
You’re not perfect…
But you’re trying…
And there has never been another moment where I’ve felt such love for you…
But I need to do this now…
For myself…
‘Mickey…I need to talk to you…’ Tom pleaded.
And then I was looking at him.
Just looking.
As if I was seeing him for the very first time…
I had thought I would never see him again.
My Thomas William Hiddleston.
Not after that night…
‘Mickey…’ my mum said, standing beside me, holding my hand.
I’m okay…
I’m okay…
‘You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to…’ she said, reassuringly, giving my hand a squeeze.
Mum…
I wish I could hide behind you and dad…
Hide from the pain.
But I can’t.
I have to face this now.
I have to…
It’s okay…
I took in a deep breath and squeezed her hand back…
‘It’s okay, Mum. I can handle this. I want to handle this…’ I whispered.
I have to.
Because no matter what happened.
No matter how angry I am
How hurt I am
How heartbroken I am
The boy I love is standing in my doorway, asking to speak to me…
The boy I love…
Is asking to say goodbye…
‘Okay…we’ll be in here if you need us…’ she said, trying to give me a smile.
Except I can’t smile inside…
I can’t.
I can hardly breathe.
Part of me wanted to slam the door in his face.
But part of me…
Part of me wanted to run to him and hug him…
I didn’t want him to leave like 14 years ago.
Without a proper goodbye…
My dad stepped aside as I approached the door.
And then I was walking towards him…
Thomas William Hiddleston, I love you.
You know that?
Even when you’re breaking my heart.
Even when you’re getting married tomorrow…
And leaving me again…
You’re standing there…
And I’m walking towards you.
And all I can think of is I love you.
And then I was there…
I was standing in front of Thomas William Hiddleston…
He was dressed in a blue buttoned down shirt and black slacks…
And he was carrying a small box…
And it felt like it was just the two of us in our own world…
Staring at each other…
And when I looked at his face, I knew…
You’ve come too say goodbye, haven’t you?
‘Hi…Micks…’ he said…
Breathe.
Breathe.
You can do this…
And once it’s over…
Once it’s over…
You can cry…
‘Hi…Tom…’ I whispered.
‘Come…let’s step outside and talk…’ he said, stepping aside…
I nodded my head slowly and walked out.
He’s here…
We walked over to where Theodore, the tree I had loved, once stood.
It was only appropriate we say goodbye where it had all started.
Where it had all began…
I sat down on my side and he did, on his.
But Theodore isn’t here anymore…
And this isn’t us meeting for the first time
This is us saying goodbye for the last time…
It will be over soon, Mickey.
It will…
I leaned back and laid on my back on the grass, propping my head up with my arms.
He did the same.
And we were just there, staring up at the few stars twinkling in the sky.
Like us…
Shining in the dark…
But come daylight…
We’ll disappear…
We weren’t touching.
We weren’t even looking at each other.
We were just there…
And I’ve never felt closer to another human being in my life.
Never.
‘Why are you here, Tom?’ I finally found the voice to ask.
I heard him take in a deep breath…
‘I couldn’t leave…not with the way we last left things…’ he said.
But you’re still leaving…
You’re still leaving…
You’re still getting married tomorrow…
‘And…I wanted to spend your birthday with you…’ he said, softly.
Don’t.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
I promised…
‘You were right…I was an arse and insensitive. And stupid to use our memories and that line in my wedding vows…So, so stupid of me. I’m sorry, Micks. I’m so, so sorry…’
Why does it feel that this apology is your way of saying goodbye?
That you’ll leave after you’ve tried to make things right?
‘Why did you?’ I asked.
Why did you do it?
And I knew that tonight.
Tonight we would finally confront our past.
The past that we had been avoiding for several weeks now.
We would talk about the 14 years we had passed…
Without each other
It was the only way to say goodbye without having any questions left.
I heard him sigh.
Why?
Why did you use our memories?
Tell me…
‘Because…every year…on your birthday…I would go get smashed. Because all I could do was think of your face when you found out I had gone. And I have missed you all these years, Micks…’
I missed you too…
How many times did I yearn for you to show up on my doorstep?
Telling me you were sorry?
That you would never leave again?
‘…And that year…Laura…she found me…and she accompanied me throughout. And I…for the first time in so long…it felt good to have someone there beside me, accompanying me throughout it. And that was how it started. I know it’s unfair to Laura. I know I’m a selfish bastard. But she was there for me and although we might argue over decisions, she was just there, you know? And I missed that…I missed you…I missed having someone there…’ he said, pausing.
And all these years I’ve been thinking about you…
Missing you…
Yearning for you…
Wondering what you were doing…
I missed going over to your room…
I missed sitting on Theodore with you…
I missed how you would tell me your bad jokes…
I never thought…
I never thought a joke could make me cry…
‘When I decided I had to stop…that was when my dad passed away…and then she was there again. I didn’t know what to do, Micks. She was there and I let her be there. Perhaps I shouldn’t have but I…I couldn’t deal with losing another person…I care for her. Micks, it’s not the same but I do care…and I don’t want to hurt her…’
I swallowed.
But you would hurt me?
‘I was weak, Micks…I was…I thought that if…if I could just replicate some memories…used what we had…you know? In the wedding? It would sort of be like I managed to keep my promise to you. That we had actually managed to fulfil some parts…I know it’s stupid. I know it’s crazy…but that’s the truth…’ he continued.
I managed to keep my promise to you.
That we had actually managed to fulfil some parts.
But it’s not the same, Tom.
It’s not.
Why didn’t you come looking for me?
All those nights that I had cried for you?
All those mornings I had yearned for you…
I felt the back of my eyes burn with tears.
Just like 14 years ago when I looked in the window and saw an empty room.
And all that was left of us were three items…
And then I had to ask…
I had to ask the question that had been burning all these years…
‘If you had missed me so much, why didn’t you come look for me, Tom?’ I asked, numb
Is this really you, Mickey Clarke?
You sound like a robot.
Void of emotion.
I’m numb.
I’m numb.
And perhaps that was even sadder than being emotional.
Because here we were, Mickey Clarke and Thomas William Hiddleston.
Two people who had once been the closest in the world.
Who knew each other like no one else did…
We were now reduced to this…
To picking up the bits and pieces…
Of what happened in between.
From the time he left…
Till the time we have to say goodbye…
And we were numb from the pain.
From the past.
And we could only deal with it in this way.
To numb ourselves…
He paused for a long while…
I need to know why.
Why I had been waiting all this while…
Just waiting and waiting…
Believing that you would someday swan back into my life…
And you didn’t…
You didn’t…
‘Because…Micks…how could I? How could I face you after leaving you? After I had promised you all those things? How could I look at you and know I caused you pain…’ he finally said, his voice sounding emotional.
You could have tried…
You could have…
I would have forgiven you.
I would have forgiven anything just to have you back in my life.
Don’t you know?
And then I asked…
I asked the question that had haunted me for all these years…
‘Why…why did you leave without saying goodbye…?’ I asked…
My breath hitched as I remembered that moment.
That moment all those years ago…
When I had been left on Theodore crying…
And just crying…
Hoping you would appear and tell me it was all a joke…
And that question hung there in the air…
The question that I had consistently asked myself.
Asked while I cried into Missy’s fur.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Did he stop loving me?
Was that why he just left without a word?
‘…It wasn’t supposed to be like that…’ he said, then pausing.
Then how?
How was it supposed to be like?
Tell me…
Explain to me…
Make me understand…
‘The night before…my dad…he suffered from a heart attack. His conditions were stable but…mum wanted us to move and be there…and we left in a hurry…’ I heard his voice break.
‘…And she knew it would be harder for me to leave if I came back…so we never did…we never looked back…’
Never looked back…
Tom…
I turned over to my left side, staring at his profile.
I’m sorry…
He then turned to his right, staring at me.
Just like that night in North Devon…
Just like that night…
He stared at me as I watched his eyes glisten in the dark.
And I knew he was tearing…
Just like me.
‘Tom…I…I’m sorry. I didn’t know…’ I whispered.
I really am.
God, all those years I had wondered.
Had beaten myself up over…
I’m sorry…
He shook his head slightly…
‘Of course…how could you have?’ he asked, gently…
Tom…
I…
He reached out and took my hand in his, laying it in between us.
I looked at our fingers entwined…
It’s me and you against the world…
Could we stay like this forever?
Just like this…
‘I’m sorry…’ he finally whispered.
I’m sorry too…
I’m so, so sorry.
For the hurt…
The anger…
The blame…
Sometimes life just happens…
And we don’t know what to do…
‘I’m sorry for leaving you 14 years ago…’ he said.
And I felt that dull ache in my chest.
He said it…
He said it…
He said the words I’ve been longing to hear…
But he’s saying them to say goodbye…
Not because he wants to be a part of my life again…
And it hurts…
God, did it hurt.
I shook my head…
‘No, Tom. You know…throughout these 14 years…I always…always…think back to that day. That day I asked you to run away… It was stupid. It was so bloody stupid and selfish of me to ask you to run away…’ I said, feeling the tears well up again.
‘Micks…’ he started…
I had blamed you…
I had cursed you…
I had cried over you…
But mostly, mostly I loved you…
I’m sorry, Tom.
I’m sorry.
‘No…it’s true. I was irrational. I know I was…asking you to give up your family. I just…I was just so scared to lose you. You and me…we made our own world and…it’s easy to sometimes neglect the rest of the world…I know now…what you did was for the best…’ I said, as the tears rolled down
It doesn’t lessen the hurt…
But sometimes, life happens…
And we can’t control it…
It doesn’t mean you didn’t love me…
It doesn’t mean I didn’t love you…
It just means that our love couldn’t survive life…
He let go of my hand to reach up to wipe the tears…
‘No…Micks…you felt alone. I was the only family you had and you didn’t want to lose me. I don’t think you asking me to run away was a sign of being irrational or stupid. It was a sign of love. Love that you were willing to fight for…to do something about it…but sometimes…we can’t…we can’t help when life happens…’ he said…
I had wanted us to be together, forever.
So that neither of us would be alone again…
I reached up to take his hand…
This hand…
This hand that had wiped away my tears…
That had held me tight when I needed you most
I want to hold this hand to my heart
Forever
Our forever…
‘Thomas William Hiddleston…you’re a good person. When all else failed for me, you were there for me. And you are all that is kind, sweet and good. Always considerate and thinking of others. You are. A. Good. Person…’
It’s true.
Eventhough I’m dying inside.
Knowing that that is why we can’t be together.
It’s true.
And that is why I love you.
And then we were staring at each other…
This is happiness.
Without words.
Just us.
Just here.
‘Micks…what happened to you after…after I left…’ he whispered.
I closed my eyes…
The pain…
The memories I had tried to erase…
When you had left…
And my whole world felt like it was ripped apart.
I didn’t know why, I didn’t know how.
All I did know was that you were gone…
And that you weren’t coming back.
‘Well…’ I started, before feeling my chest tighten…
Breathe.
Breathe.
You’re not 16 anymore.
Tom is here.
He’s here now.
‘They didn’t send me to York. I think they decided it was best to keep an eye on me…because…after you left…all I could do was sit in my room and cry…’ I said, quietly, trying to breathe.
I saw the look of pain on his face.
And cry…
‘And then one day…Missy came to my bedside with the yellow water bottle in her mouth…’ I said.
Our yellow hot water bottle.
Filled with your love…
Filled with our memories…
‘And I looked at it…I looked at it…and I got so angry…I…I threw it into the dustbin…and when I looked in the mirror…all I could see was my long hair. The long hair you loved so much…’ I said, swallowing.
And I cut it…
I cut it all..
As if I could cut away the pain…
Cut away you…
Except you’re a part of me…
And I don’t know how to get rid of that…
‘And I cut it. I cut it short. And…I still remember that day…when my mum had taken the rubbish with the water bottle in it…and she asked if I was sure I wanted to throw it away…I didn’t look at her. I just said yes…and an hour later…I couldn’t…I couldn—‘ I said, pausing to sob.
Don’t look at me like that…
Don’t.
You wanted to know…
‘I knew I couldn’t bear to be parted. It was all I had left of you. An important piece of our memories…so…I—I ran downstairs…but it was too late…they had already collected the rubbish…all I could do was…all I could do was…run upstairs, hug Missy and cry…’ I said, bringing the back of my hand to wipe away the tears.
And I had cried and cried.
And cursed myself for throwing it away.
For throwing away the last piece you had left for me…
That was left of us…
‘Micks…I’m sorry…’ he whispered.
So am I, Tom.
So am I.
‘What happened to Missy?’ he asked, quietly.
Missy.
Oh God.
My sweetheart…Missy.
‘Missy…’ I said, then stopped, gasping slight for breath.
He squeezed my hand gently…
Patiently.
‘She…about 7 months after you had left…she got run over by a car. I was…I was walking back from school when I saw her dead body on the ground. Bleeding. I just sat there. I just sat there and held her body. Held…she always loved a hug…’ I said, tearing again…
My beautiful baby…
‘Micks…’
‘My parents…they found me….on the curb, holding her body, all cried out…’
And I wasn’t only crying because I loved her…
But it felt that as the blood drained from her…
So were parts of us…
Memories of us three…
I was also mourning because another piece of us…
Missy…the dog we both loved…
Was gone…
And I felt further from you.
Which every piece that disappeared…
I felt further away from you…
‘Mickey…’ he whispered as I closed my eyes shut.
‘I loved her…I loved that dog…’ I managed to say…
Just like I loved you…
Just like I love you…
‘I loved her too…’ I heard him whisper…
Just like you once loved me
Just like you once did…
I exhaled…
‘What about Theodore?’ I heard the struggle in his voice.
Theodore.
Theodore.
I opened my eyes…
And just like all those years ago…
Blue eyes met brown.
‘Theodore…’ I said, struggling to breathe as it all came back to me…
He nodded…
‘After a year…when it was obvious you were really not coming back…I just…I couldn’t anymore, you know? I could climb him…I couldn’t…I could barely look at him. Look at the tree I once loved so much. So…so…I asked Dad to…to chop him down…’
I killed him…
With every chop to that wood, it had felt like a blow to my heart…
I had killed the tree that I had loved so much…
‘And when Theodore finally collapsed…dad had to ask the men who had come to clear him to wait…because I went to say goodbye to him. I had stood there, looking at him…looking at our memories…and I…I reached down to hug him one last time. And I---‘ I broke off as sobs consumed me.
‘Mickey…’ was all Tom said because he was crying too.
Crying for me.
Crying for Theodore.
Crying for us.
‘I kissed him and I…I whispered…goodbye, Theodore. I love you…because…it felt like I was saying it to you…you know? Cause you weren’t there but somehow…somehow…it felt like it…’ I said between sobs.
‘I’m so, so sorry. So, so sorry, Micks…’
‘And then…and then I had gone up to my room, sat on my bed and looked out the window. There was no Theodore. There was no you. There was no more connection between us…’
Vacant.
Void.
Like how I had felt.
Empty.
‘It was the hardest thing to do…’ I mumbled…
It was.
To chop him down.
To get rid of our memories.
So that I would have nothing left to hold on to.
But I was wrong.
I was so wrong.
I could throw away everything that reminded me of you.
But I couldn’t throw away my heart…
I couldn’t.
‘Was there…was there anyone else after me?’ he asked
No one else could replace you…
Not even close…
Breathe, Mickey.
Breathe.
You’re almost there…
‘There was a boy I met in college…but…it was never anything serious. I just…remember how we promised we would be each other’s first?’ I asked, sadly.
I was yours.
And you were mine.
‘God, Micks…no…’ he said, his gaze hardening slightly.
Yes.
Yes.
I nodded my head sadly.
‘Looking back now…it was such a stupid thing to do…I mean…but grief…makes us do stupid things…it just felt like I had been saving this part of myself for you…and that if that part was gone…’
If I lost that too…
Maybe I would feel that there would be nothing left between us…
And I could move on easier.
I was wrong.
‘Anyways…it wasn’t unpleasant or against my will. We dated a bit…and he was nice…and so…I just told him I wanted him to be my first…’
Lies.
It was always you.
Only you.
‘But…he wasn’t you and the whole time, I thought of your blue eyes…your gentle long fingers..you…and I cried…I cried with every thrust, it felt like he was taking me further away from you…he thought it was the pain…but I cried…because it wasn’t you…’
And there…I’ve said it…
Damaged.
Broken.
Stupid.
‘Fuck…Micks…’
‘I didn’t say that…to make you feel bad…Tom…I just…it was stupid but I did it…and it didn’t feel better. It didn’t make me sleep better. I was just stupid…’ I mumbled.
‘Oh, Mickey…’ he said, tears rolling down his cheek.
I had felt ashamed later…
And sad…
I had wanted to be rid of it…
So I wouldn’t be reminded of Tom…
But somehow, the loss of that connection…
Only made me cry harder.
And I reached up to wipe them away gently.
And then we were just there…
Staring at each other…
Absorbing what we had just shared.
This is the last time…
This is the last time I’ll see you this way…
Lying next to me…
Staring at me…
I’ll never see those eyes I love so much up close again…
And know that they turn different shades of blues and greens…
Or see those lips again…
And imagine and remember how they had felt on mine…
I reached up to trace his face…
His eyebrows…
Down his nose…
His lips…
I’ll keep you forever…
I’ll keep you forever in my heart…
I’ll remember this moment…
Your face…
Every trace…
Every line…
No one can take that away from me…
I’ll remember the face of the boy I love.
The boy I was going to marry…
‘Happy birthday, Mickey Clarke…’ he whispered
I’ll never forget this birthday…
I’ll never forget you…
‘Happy birthday, Mickey Clarke…’ I repeated.
Just like the first time we met…
You had asked who Theodore was.
And you were God’s Gift to me.
And suddenly it hit me.
I had known that the weeks before were building up to this.
That I had cried so many times…
Thinking about this moment…
And it’s here now.
The boy I love is really getting married tomorrow.
He’s getting married tomorrow.
Oh God.
Please.
No.
Don’t.
I don’t want you to.
I want you to stay with me.
I swallowed as the gravity of the moment hit me…
I wanted to hug him…
To beg him…
Don’t go.
Please don’t go.
Don’t leave me behind again…
He sat up and placed the box he had carried onto his lap.
What’s that?
I sat up too, facing him.
He opened the box and smiled…
‘Look what I got for your birthday?’ he said, softly.
He showed me the contents of the box and it was a cupcake.
A cupcake with yellow frosting and a stick man with curly hair.
Tom.
My throat felt like it was burning.
‘Remember when you tried baking me a cupcake? I would say mine fares a whole lot better…’ he teased.
Tom.
Don’t go.
Don’t…
I was pleading and begging all I could inside…
All these memories we had…
All that we shared…
He took the sole candle in the box and stuck it in the cupcake.
He then took out a lighter to light the candle.
And held it up…
Tom…
I felt my vision blur slightly…
‘Make a wish, Mickey Clarke…’ he whispered.
I wish…
I wish I was young again…
I wish I was happy…
I wish we were together again…
I wish you were mine, Thomas William Hiddleston.
I wish for you.
To be with you…
For you to choose to be with me…
Because I was looking at him.
I was looking at him, holding up my cake.
And I knew.
I knew that this was the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Who else would be so patient with me?
Who else would buy and separate just yellow smarties for me?
Who else would call me sappy but memorize movie quotes with me?
Who else could be you?
Because you’re the only thing that I want.
And I felt my throat close up.
I felt my vision blur.
You’re all I ever wanted.
‘Happiness sometimes just doesn’t come like that. Sometimes, it takes work, it takes two people who are willing to work together to create something beautiful…and everyone…everyone has their flaws. But the key…is to try…you will never know till you do…’
‘Did you love that relationship? If you did, is it enough for you to give that relationship a second chance? It depends on you…if you want it…then try, sweetheart’
My mum’s words echoed in my mind.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I want to be with you.
I want to give ourselves a second chance…
The 30 year old me is telling me I shouldn’t.
I can’t.
What happened to the 16 year old in me?
That 16 year old girl that had been willing to give up everything to be with you?
That had been willing to fight for a chance.
I can’t.
I can’t let you walk away without at least trying.
I’m not asking you to cheat.
I’m asking you…
I’m asking you to just choose me.
To just want to be with me.
Is that so wrong?
‘I want…’ I whispered.
He looked at me intently, smiling.
‘I want…you…’ I finished.
I want you…
‘Micks…’ he whispered.
I want you.
I’m telling you now.
I’m telling you before it’s too late.
I want you.
And I want you to tell me you choose me too.
‘Micks…I…’ he started.
‘I’m not asking you to cheat. I’m not asking you to kiss me. I’m just asking you to be with me. To stay with me. To love me…’ I said, looking into his eyes.
Because God help me.
If this was the last time I were to see him…
I would tell him that.
I would fight for him….
I need you and I’m so tired of just keeping it to myself.
Keeping it to myself because it’s the right thing to do.
Because you have a fiancé.
But I don’t want to do that anymore.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like I did for the past 14 years.
Wondering.
Asking myself, what if?
I want to let you know here and now.
I want to let you know I’m willing to fight for you…
For us to be happy.
Before it is too late.
Before it is really too late tomorrow.
I just need you to say you want to be with me.
‘Don’t you see, Tom? 14 years ago…we were 16…and we had obligations…we had…I mean…I understand why you did what you did. And like I said, it was stupid for me to suggest running away. But we were separated not by choice. And you stood by your family. And you are all that is good and kind. And we didn’t have a choice. Life tore us apart. But we’re given another chance now. Before it’s too late. Before tomorrow,’ I said.
I didn’t care that I was rambling.
I didn’t care.
I just want you to know.
Need you to know.
‘We’re older now. We have a choice. I mean…I mean…who would have thought we would meet again? But we did…and…we have been through so much. I’m telling you here right here, right now. I want to be with you. I want to be with you so badly. I want you more than anything in this whole wide world. I just need you to say you want me too…that you want this…’ I said, tears filling my eyes.
Because I’ve never said anything more true.
No lies.
No hurt.
No anger.
This is the truth.
The whole truth.
I don’t want to waste more time.
Suppressing my emotions.
My feelings.
I know you love me, Tom.
You don’t love Laura.
Just say it.
We’ve wasted 14 years, over thinking things.
We just need to try.
That’s all I’m asking.
Just try.
‘Micks…I want that more than anything but…I can’t…’ he said, quietly, looking at me.
I can’t.
I can’t.
Those two words….
I can’t.
I just poured my entire heart out and all you can say is ‘I can’t?’
‘You can’t or you won’t?’ I asked, defiantly.
‘Mickey…you know…if I could…’ he started…
But I put my hand up to stop him.
‘That’s bull, Tom…’
‘Mickey...’ he warned.
But I’m beyond it.
There’s no going back.
‘No! You know what? I don’t want to hear that you can’t. Because you can. Just like those 14 years…you never…if you had wanted to, you couldn’t have easily tracked me down. But you didn’t…’ I said, my voice rising.
You didn’t.
But you have a choice now.
‘Jesus, Mickey…I told you why. And I was 17. I was scared, okay? I was scared…you were so full of hope…and looking at me like I was all you had…I was scared, okay? It doesn’t mean I don’t love you…because I do…I do…’
‘Then choose me. Be with me…’ I said.
This isn’t about pride.
This isn’t about ego.
This is simply about me loving you…
And wanting to be with you more than anything.
‘Mickey…’
But I could already see it on his face.
He’s not going to choose you, Mickey Clarke.
He’s not.
‘I can’t…I’m getting married to Laura tomorrow…I can’t just…I can’t, Micks…’ he said, pleadingly.
Don’t.
Just. Don’t.
‘You can…you just have to want to enough. And you don’t want it enough…’ I said, sadly.
You don’t want us enough.
Not as badly as I do.
‘Jesus, Micks. That’s not fair. That’s not fucking fair…’ he said, angrily.
Not fair?
Not fucking fair?
‘No! You know what? You know what isn’t fair? Is that…you storm back into my life a few weeks before you get married. You tell me that you want to be friends again. You do things…you…you…you make me fall in love with you all over again. You used…you used our wedding vows for your wedding with Laura. And you say things…I mean…you show up at my fucking doorstep the night before you’re getting married. You can’t just do that and expect me to not feel something. What are you looking for, huh, Tom? Some way for you to feel better? To feel better that you’re leaving me behind? To know what happened to me 14 years ago so that you know I would be able to carry on after you leave? So that you can get married in peace knowing your past is finally put to rest?’ I ranted, my voice rising.
Enough.
I’ve had enough of it.
If this is the last time I see you…
I’m not going to keep my silence.
Not now…
‘Mickey, this is…’ he started but I help up my hand to silence him.
‘NO, Tom! Since day one, since day one you came back here. You’ve been the one initiating everything. Hugging me, wanting to get to know me again. Everything was your idea. Bringing me to North Devon. Have you ever thought of how I felt? Of how it would make me feel? So enough! It’s my turn to speak. And you know what? I’m calling out on your bullshit. On your bullshit, Tom!’
‘Bullshit?’
‘Yes. Because you tell me you want us to be friends but you fucking kiss me. You tell me you want me to move on, that I’m strong, that I’ll survive this. But then you remember our movie quote, you bring me yellow smarties. What are you doing? Why are you doing this?’ I yelled at him.
I was angry.
I was angry that he could tell me how much he loved me.
How much he wanted me.
But when it came down to it.
He would never choose me.
He would never fight for me.
‘I thought…I thought…I just wanted you to be happy. To help you move on…’ he said.
‘That’s bull and you know it! And you know what? I’m tired, Tom. We’ve wasted so much time. And I understand you being scared. And like I said I know the whole running away idea was stupid and irrational of me. But guess what, Tom? We aren’t 16 and 17 anymore. You might have been scared when you were 17 but what happened to when you were 24? 25? 26? If you had wanted me…if you had truly wanted me…you would have tracked me down. Not find someone else to be there for you. Someone else you don’t even love.’ I yelled at him.
He just stood there quietly.
Looking at me.
Looking at me as if really seeing me for the first time.
I don’t care.
I need to get this off.
Right here.
Right now.
‘You know what else isn’t fucking fair, Tom? Is that you left and you left me wondering. You left me waiting for you. And even after all this. Even after all this crap. I forgave you…I fucking forgave you and I continued loving you. And that’s what hurts the most. Is that I have the courage even after all those times you’ve broken me. All those broken promises. I have the courage to stand here, in front of you, asking you to take a chance on us. No more wishy washy going back and forth. It’s you and me, here and now. And I’m fighting for us. I’m asking you to be with me. Because that’s all I want. It’s pure and simple. But instead…instead you’re choosing a woman you don’t love. You’re choosing another woman who doesn’t even know your favourite childhood memory. You’re choosing her over me…’ I continued.
I couldn’t stop once I started.
It was everything I had wanted to say.
Since day one.
‘You would rather leave me again. You would rather break my heart again,’ I said
It hurt.
God, it hurt.
But it felt good to just say it out.
To just say it out.
He stared at me for a good 5 seconds.
And then he said it…
He said the words that broke my heart, utterly.
‘What would you have me do, Micks?’ he asked, sounding small and defeated.
Don’t ask me that.
Don’t.
You don’t even care…
I’m dying inside.
I’m dying because this is the end.
There is no more going back.
No hope.
I’ve laid all my cards out for you…
And plain and simple.
You’re leaving me.
Breathe, Mickey.
Whatever it is, he knows now.
And you’ll end this.
You’ll say goodbye to him.
Then you’ll go home and then you can breakdown.
‘All I’ve ever wanted…was for you to fight for me. That was all I had ever wanted…’ I said, my turn to sound broken and defeated.
Because that’s what I am.
Broken.
Defeated.
After 14 years and these past weeks.
It has amounted to this.
I should have known.
I should have.
But I had thought we loved each other enough.
I felt the tears well up again and dashed them with the back of my hand.
It’s over.
He stood there, just looking at me.
I wanted to scream at him.
Say something.
Anything.
But he didn’t.
It’s my turn now.
It’s my turn to walk away and leave you behind.
‘You know what? I’ve been waiting for you for 14 years, Tom. I’m not going to wait for you anymore…’ I said, quietly.
And then I was looking at him.
The boy I love.
Thomas William Hiddleston.
And all that he had done for me.
And I for him.
Our memories.
Theodore.
Missy.
Yellow smarties.
It Takes Two.
I finally really had to leave them behind.
‘Goodbye, Thomas William Hiddleston…’ I said, feeling empty.
And I couldn’t help it as hot tears rolled down my cheek.
Because I wasn’t just saying goodbye to him.
I was saying goodbye to the 16 year old boy I had fallen in love with.
To our memories.
To the 16 year old me.
And I was saying goodbye to the 30 year old Tom I had fallen in love with all over again.
I wasn’t just in love with a memory.
I was in love with him.
His past, his present.
How do you walk away from someone you’ve loved your whole life?
How do you walk away from someone you know you’ll continue loving your whole life?
‘Goodbye, Mickey Clarke…’ he whispered.
And that is how.
It’s only you that has been stuck in the past.
He’s moved on.
It’s time for you to move on, Mickey Clarke.
It’s time for you to finally put the past to rest.
I looked at him one final time.
One last time.
His eyes, his hair…his everything.
Goodbye Thomas William Hiddleston.
Then I turned around and ran.
I ran inside, locking the door.
Numb.
I had just said goodbye to Tom forever.
I walked up the stairs, heading to my room.
I stopped outside, looking at the door.
I can’t.
I can’t tonight.
Not tonight.
Not in this room.
So I headed towards the room I hadn’t been in for years.
My parents’ room.
In the end, you’re the one here for me.
I twist the knob and I step in.
‘Mickey…’ I heard my mum’s voice.
So soothing.
So gentle.
So heartbreaking.
I walked over to them in bed and asked them in a small voice.
I asked them a question I hadn’t asked since I was 7…
‘Can I sleep here tonight?’
They didn’t say anything.
They just patted at the spot between them.
I crawled between them and curled up into a ball.
I was so weary.
So heartbroken.
‘Mickey…’ my mum said, stroking my hair.
‘He’s gone, mum…he’s gone…’ I said, my voice breaking as I curled up tighter.
‘Sweetheart…you let him back into your heart again?’ she asked, kindly.
I shook my head.
No.
‘He never left…’ I whispered.
He never left.
And she stroked my hair again gently.
‘We just want you to be happy, Mickey…’ I heard my dad say.
But I am…
Was what I wanted to say…
Except…
Except my tears were already falling into the blanket.
They were falling.
He’s gone.
He’s gone.