@actuallykiwi as you know, I am your @portal-secret-santa and your gift is currently on its way to you in the post.
Hopefully, it won’t take too long to arrive. However, since one of the things I’m sending you is an Aperture magazine, I can post a digital version for you to read now.
Here is Aperture’s lazy overpriced magazine which only exists to make them more money and try to find new test subjects. An unpaid intern made the cover (graphic design is his passion).
hello! i am ur portal secret santa @actuallykiwi! im a massive chelley fan and also a girl with a poor immune system so this is coming to you a little later than it should, really sorry for that, but i hope u had a happy new year and you enjoy this little ficlet! merry holidays! (@portal-secret-santa)
The night before Christmas, all throughout the house, not a sound could be heard, not even from a mouse. Christmas was more of a gift-giving family thing in Eaden. Maybe when aliens invade the earth and live among us, it's difficult to get into organized religion.
But kids all throughout the town would be falling asleep in front of their couches, with plates of cookies for Santa and the headcrab bites for his Vortigaunt helpers. Stockings would be hung up on fireplaces, and trees would still be lit. And for Chell's case, her strong cactus with a ribbon tied around it would have a candle lit in front of it. Holidays, as good as they were for business, were never really Chell's thing. Her plan was to sleep off tonight, make something delicious tomorrow for them both and stay cozy inside.
And then something cursed in her front porch.
"Bloody- You don't have to lick me! I'm on your side!"
Chell bolts awake. She runs downstairs and checks the window.
Wheatley, bless his heart, has been trying his absolute best to assimilate now that he is just like everyone else. He's been off having mini-adventures with Garett for a month now and she had thought they were harmless. But it is harming her ability to sleep. Partly because he's shouting from the front porch, and also because she's gotten used to sleeping beside him, and it's harder to go back to sleep without him.
She looks out and there the tall man is. He's bundled in a big worn blue parka and he's talking to a man wearing a brown coat. The snow falls down softly on them, and the large red sack they seem to be lugging. She trusts Wheatley, life and soul, but. It's a really big bag.
She grabs her coat from the rack, a red number she thrifted and ties a ponytail. She breathes a little harder just to psych herself up. She creaks open the door and stiffens against the cold.
"I don't understand why you have to bring him, he's so big and loud, it isn't the most, what's the word, incognito, isn't he?" Wheatley says as the shaggy dog keeps rubbing its nose against his pant leg.
"I owe a favour, and Duke needs to walk." Garret's familiar voice stated. Chell always thought that despite Wheatley's height, Garret was always his older brother type.
"Yes, but." Duke started to circle a patch of snow. "What is he doing, is he contacting someone? Crop circles are real, aren't they?"
"Yeah, but maybe don't-"
"Something's coming out! What a-" The smell must hit him there because he has a full-body spasm trying to escape. "THAT IS HORRIBLE!"
"You are going to wake up the children!" Garret scolds, a plastic bag already covering his hand.
"This is a nightmare!" He drags the sack up her porch, walking backwards. His lean, beanpole figure cannot handle the heavy thing he seems to be carrying. She exits the door and puts her hands on his arms, helping him pull his bag.
"What the-" He turns around and his face breaks into a surprised smile. "You! You should be asleep, did I wake you? That is my fault, but it is also that dog's fault, more his honestly, but you know. Maybe we could share blame, a sixty forty.'
She places an ungloved hand on the sack and looks back at him.
"That was- you were supposed to be surprised! We had this idea, me and Garret, the one cleaning right now. He was telling me about this guy who used to give gifts to kids every Christmas, but he usually stops visiting when the kids get too old, which is a bummer, and he also uses aliens? Good man." Chell takes the sack, heavy thing it is, and Wheatley continues talking gesturing emphatically with his hand.
"So if he doesn't come by often, I decided to help the big man, and we've been making tiny little presents for the children! It's brilliant! It's a lot of work, and I think I've burnt myself making toys a lot but it's been pretty good and everything-"
"Wheatley!" Garret calls, poop cleaned and tied away in a bag.
"Right, one moment!" Wheatley looks adorable. The cold paints his cheeks a soft pink, and the fur from his collar tickles his cheek a little. His clothes, a sweater and basic pants were lightly covered with snow and dust in equal parts. His glasses were stationary on his face, while everything else seemed to be in constant motion. He smiled when he talked too, showing his enthusiasm in his teeth.
"I made something for you. Some cultures actually trade gifts on Christmas Eve, which is tonight, so let me just," he starts digging in the sack. "I thought you wouldn't want something festive and decorative, it had to be useful, but something you wouldn't already just buy, which makes you really tricky to buy things for but ah! I found it!" He pulls out two boxes, both horrendously wrapped.
"Haven't gotten the folding thing down just right, but open the big one and ta-da!" He shakes his hands in a facsimile of jazz hands.
They're cookie cutters for gingerbread. One could think they were bought, if it weren't for the wonkiness in the arms of the people, and how there was a dog cutter that looked just like the shaggy dog getting his butt wiped, or a satellite-looking cutter.
"This is lovely," she strokes his cheek. "Thank you, Wheatley."
"Wait! I have one more. It was my first try to do something with metal, so it's really simple, but you might like it and I want to give you something you might, I don't know, people said they give jewellery so I-"
She opened the second smaller box and pulled out a long gold chain, with a circle ring in the middle. It seemed to glint in the moon light,.
"He taught me how to make it gold with electricity! The human mind! It's-"
She pulls him in for a kiss. She can never get tired of kissing him. The second of surprise, and then enthusiastic reciprocation.
"Wonderful." He finishes when she pulls away.
"I have mistletoe at home," she says, and Wheatley's investigation into Christmas traditions seems to have informed him well because his ears turn pinker than they already are.
"Got to deliver those gifts tonight!" Garrett calls. Chell gives him one quick kiss on the cheek and helps him carry the gifts down.
"We can handle it from here. Happy Christmas, Chell!" Garret greets, as Duke starts pulling him away.
"And a good night!" Wheatley bids. Garret gave a whistle, and they walked away, ready to spread more holiday cheer.
actuallykiwi replied to your photoset “Mmm yeah, talk gardening to me”
There’s a “hoe” joke to be inserted here. (The gardening tool pff)
Kyo: Hey, where’s Tohru and the asshole?
Shigure: Oh, I sent them off on a date after you left with Kagura. Yuki mentioned something about plowing...
Kyo: Soooooooo I’m going to kill him.
Yuki: (in the distance) Looking good, Tohru, now we just need that hoe over there.
Kyo: THEY WILL NEVER FIND THE BODY.
