#addressedto

[wormcocooncycle]

Dear Dawn

I light the lamp I have feared to light for months.

I still feel it, the knee-jerk reaction to panic. To turn it off as fast as I can so that memories wont resurface and swallow my head whole. But I did it, I got to light it tonight.

For a while, I sat and stared at it's amber glow. And I try my hardest to only focus on the good memories. I try my hardest, I try and try and try, but the tears still pool. This breaks my heart of course. Once my great, great, great love, now a muddled memory.

Will I ever think of it in perfect fondness? Will I ever recover?

I figure, maybe never. Deep wounds always leave evident scars, after all. And I am nothing if not resigned.

My only hope is that I continue to have success over all the knee-jerk reactions. I can't live my life in fear always. That would be stupid after all the work that I did to pick myself up.

Dear Dawn, I share with you this triumph over the lamp. I hope to have more good news.

from my time of rest, virla

[wormcocooncycle]

Dear Tumblr,

I have suddenly picked up pen and paper. It has been a long time since I have written this way, I got 6 pages with my bad handwriting.

Diligently, I though of scanning it and uploading it as a pdf or a doc file here. Haha, but I guess there isn't an option to direct those files here, not too helpful in any case.

So here they are, scanned photos as they are. Writing and writing and writing.

You can't see it, but I've switched from black ink to red ink, and from white paper, to the recycled back pad of a paper, all the formers ran out. 6 pages, i'm telling you.

There. My penmanship is so lousy. Maybe I'll take lessons someday! Haha. That would be the day!

[wormcocooncycle]

Dear Hypnos,

Come to me. I beg you, come to me. Touch upon my eyes the dust of sleep.

This stupid period cycle is making me sooooo not okay in my circadian rhythm.

I am now on night 2 of not being able to sleep when I want to so I eat or watch my c-drama.

The only good thing so far is that I’m not suffering from it yet. Still productive in the morning and in a generally good mood.

Aiyaaaaa. I still want to fall asleep when I want to. Please Hypnos. Pleaaaaseeeee.

Anyway, here is satgotloco for tonite.

[wormcocooncycle]

Dear Mr. I,

Nothing sense-full to say really. Only that I have been senselessly hungry and craving all sorts of shat and flavors. I am probably on that part of my cycle.

Lo! But to be a lady, always in circles.

I’ve been eating so much the past 3 days. Having pamainit at 6, breakfast at 8, lunch at 11, fruits after, some bits of snack here and there, a proper snack at 3, dinner at 5, a second dinner at 9, and then if I’m unlucky enough to still be awake, a snack at 10, and more bits and bites of snacks until 12 midnight.

Oh! I despair of my poor stomach. At the same time, I am glad for my sagging flesh and bones-y arms. Maybe I’ll finally gain back the weight I lost last year.

No matter. Muscle is what I really need to gain at this age, getting so close to 30, I won’t have the same strengths and bodily mechanisms I had at 17.

Anyway.

I have been eating a lot of Otap these days cause it’s what’s kept in.

Watching a new C-Drama too. Probably not over my Wang Hedi and Yu Shuxin, LBFD era. Probably never will, but I’m watching Lord Changheng’s modern drama now. Super cute. A bit PTSD-ish but I gotta power through I guess. If not now, when-type of thing.

I also opened this can of evaporated milk to ear cereal cause we ran out of fresh milk.

The evaporated milk was supposed to be for making Black Sambo. D: my craving won though. So.

So now, I’m craving for burger. T.T or that honey potato junk food that’s in the cabinet in Badian. I can see it in my mind’s eye, almost smell it, almost feel its crispness as I munch on it.

I think I’ll just lick salt to get over the craving.

Not the first time I’ll be doing it anyway.

Now, now. Don’t you judge me Mr. Internet.

I’m too gluttonous to mind my manners and writing style and theme at the moment. Using symbols and styles for emoticons.

Ah!

I shall go lick some salt now.

[wormcocooncycle]

Dear Mr. W,

I feel it has been a month now since the end.

I told myself so many things over the course of all these troubles, in the end, the only thing I could keep was the promise to give myself patience and understanding. Never hurrying, never getting upset with myself, and never giving in the pressure and the fear.

I feel, I have gotten closer to myself. I didn’t even know I still could.

The meaning of love has changed so much for me now. Mostly, it is the romantic love that gives me the aches and tears, but even then, when I give way to the tears and regrets, I am able to smile after.

Maybe it’s the idea of knowing I gave it my all. My ultimate, most evolved all. So even when I regret, I know that too, is okay.

Am I being clear Mr. W? No matter, this writing has helped me express things I’ve had in the past month.

These days I’ll be living my life in the province. A week in Manila, and then back in the province. I wonder if I’ll ever get back to the city.

Sometimes I imagine myself telling somebody, “I’m a provincial girl. I can’t have all the hassle and bustle of the city everyday. I need my quiet nights, and quiet days. With people I know, and people I see everyday.”

Mostly, I imagine the days I’ll have in my future as I see it today. I’ll buy a TV for the house here in Badian, get wifi for the house, have somebody make my book shelf, fix some of the water problems here. Hang all the art I received from friends. Maybe I’ll open a book shop and cafe where I’ll serve drinks and food that I want to make for the day, never sticking to a menu.

Mr. W. I am happy to be doing different things everyday, focusing on house things, and future things. I’ve been super domesticated lately. I plan my days with housework, cooking, my online work, and whatever series or book I am currently inclined to at the moment.

See you some other time Mr. W. Thank you.