of vrila

Not secrets

[wormcocooncycle]

TOP BOOKS

The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang

Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

From this moment on by Lynn Kurland

Candido's Apocalypse by Nick Joaquin/Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger

A long walk to Forever by Kurt Vonnegut

Coming of Age The Fault in our Stars by John Green Suicide Notes by Michael Thomas Ford Abundance of Katherines by John Green Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins Contemporary Romance Slow Dance by Rainbow Rowell Normal People by Sally Rooney

Fiction/Fantasy/Mystic The Legend of Sheba by Tosca Lee The Ghost Bride by Yangsze Choo

-LIST TO BE COMPLETED

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I am a ball of diffidence an uncertain and distrustful self to the self I live by my body and mind My heart often overlooked I show up with actions and fall short in words legitimate conditions get stuck in my throat I miss deadlines I miss people I miss moments and times I miss a me I didn't get to meet properly But look at me, Me I've started to talk about it I am the narrator, the pilot in Saint-Exupéry's Le Petit Prince

I am the narrator.

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Cried out, to you alone What's in you? Throw me a bone Oh life, what did you know? How do we ever decide?

Careful love, blow it away Let's go there, what do you say? Oh life, why did you wait How do we get to the sky?

Called out, to you alone What made you? Maybe you know Oh life, let it all go How do we get to the sky?

CHRIST!

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And someday Virl, someday, you’ll have somebody who won’t need to make you understand.

Nothing will come to mind when Alyssa’s voice echoes in your head, “Unsa man imong gipang tolerate Virl?”

And you’ll be okay.

You’ll be okay.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have yourself as that somebody too.

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Pwede raman gyud ang mga butang nga imong nasabtan dili gihapon okay nimo.

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in my dreams, i’m in the water instead of out here.

[havingapoemwithyou]

[for comrades who ask] by Tim Blunk

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things to do

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I'm scared my love is a cage I'm scared it's one that strips you of your self

is it the responsibility? am i

am i who i think I am or am i who i used to be?

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I'm like alive and dead tonight I want to say it's all alright Sleep off today's events Wake up refreshed and new

Daisy bell do, Will we look sweet sitting on a bicycle built for two

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Be careful with your heart Virl!

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Lunchtime

It's always the worst at lunch.

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i get so tethered when i talk to you like a centrifuge turned off or a hurtling mass of human the redbull man who jumped from the stratosphere is it familiarity? ritual? my modus operandi hay

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inataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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vin!

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For messenger at 2:00am

Hi Vin. Uhhhhhm. Im trying not to type as I think aron less katag. But that’s what I did sa babaw na chat. Aaaaand Fack. I really hate it. Its dumb. Words like lead on and boundary and. Well di man sila wrong words. Somehow it feels a little dishonest lang. Like ge pull ra nako sa akong luvot to make an excuse. Hah! What I am trying to say Vin is that. Yes I have love for you. And yes, mostly I love you. But also mostly you hurt me still. Daghana nako words Vin oi. Youd think after pila ka months and years of writing to you and for you mahutdan nakog words pero wa man gyud. Sometimes im so in love and in hurt with you i convince myself wala nakoy anger or pangluod. But its still there. Pait kaayo kay i feel bad that im upset with you at the same time kahibaw ko true ako na feel. Harrowing, thats the experience. Sorry. Probably nag write paka stems for fiona. Congrats sa inyo fiddler gig again, i watched the videos. First ever since… Point no.2 is that im not ready to be in today’s elvin’s life. Im sorry. Youknow… i partly blame you for it. Heh. Actually, mostly. If not for things that happened i wouldnt be scared of the city ig gabii, I wouldn’t be afraid of looking at your stories/posts, i wouldn’t be jittery and glassy eyed being in a live music event. I feel so heavy vin. But i am also pulled up when i wish good things and happy things for you. I love you a lot. I will probably love you always. part of my M.O. modus operandi/method of operation. But i dont think i have the emotional capacity, maturity, and mental fortitude. Im not sure maka catch up pa ako heart sa ako brain… or if i have more hearts to give…. i will pray for good things for you Vin. Thank you always.

Chickened out.

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Dear Elvin,

When will the knowing not matter? I am sorry for both of us.

Why did you do it?

How could you?

I know there is no answer. Or maybe I just need to hear all answers, all versions of it from you. Will the knowing not matter then?

What is love but something that is enduring? Is love pain? Is it the uncertainty I feel when I pause, when I hesitate. The anxiety in my stomach?

When we are together I feel okay, better, a little strong. A little happy. With a little knot in my stomach.

When you're gone I am jealous, selfish, insecure.

You told me you wonder what it is like for a person who loves and hates, despises and misses, what is it like for a person to love somebody who continues to hurt them so.

It's violent. I would have rather been backhanded by you, choked to the point of seeing black swirls, let go, and then choked again.I would have rather been knifed, carved out, I would have rather that you were violent with me. Maybe then, I could not have fought with myself. No need to choose between Virla that loves you and Virla that feels little about herself.

The one that loved you won of course. Until she lost. So I had no choice, because you were not violent with me, I had to be the one violent to myself.

Where am I?

Where

Am

I?