sorry this will probably need a tw if you even decide you want to do it but adhd!roger and john wanting to become parents but rogers intrusive thoughts start to get dark towards the children and he needs reassurance that he will be such a good father..? ive been struggling... baby fever+intrusive thoughts preying on your happiness really gets fucked up.
Content warning: Mentions of harm and abuse of children
Him and John have a big talk one day about the prospect of kids. Adoption for gay couples have just opened up and they want to know what page they’re on as a pair.
They talk until midnight, taking into consideration their age, their positions in life, etc and it seems as though this is something they want to do. Cool. Roger’s more than elated about all this.
Until they settle into bed and his mind starts to wander.
His brain starts to show him these disgusting clips of him doing stuff to babies. Dropping them on purpose. Kicking them. Things he wouldn’t even say out loud if he were in a deserted planet. Horrible horrible things. And they keep coming one after the other until he has a hand clamped over his mouth, tears streaming, trying to not shake too hard as he stifles his crying.
He’s no stranger to intrusive thoughts. Had them all his life. He knew they didn’t mean he was bad, it was only his mind saying bad things.
But he never had intrusive thoughts like this. About babies and children. About the ways he could mutilate them.
It scared the shit out of him. He had no idea how to cope with the graphic scenes in his head. Not only that, it made him question himself.
As horrible as it sounds, your brain spitting out an image of you beating up your mom or best friend couldn’t compare to the image of you dropping a baby on it’s head. Especially if that baby was supposed to be yours.
How could he be a good father if when he looked at his kids, all he saw was violence? What if one day he wasn’t scared of the thoughts anymore? What if he wanted to do them?
That night, Roger downed as many xanax’s as he could in order to sleep.
The next day is even worse. John’s walking around all happy, bringing up the adoption process, the bill, kids, what room they could turn into a bedroom or nursery. And Roger keeps seeing these things that bring tears to his eyes. He;s biting his lip, clenching his fists, hoping John won’t notice.
He pulls Roger aside and asks if he has any second thoughts. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to do this. Or if he wants to spend more time considering it.
Roger just bursts into tears, telling John what’s happening. He’s clinging to John, crying over how he’s a bad person. He has bad thoughts. He can’t bring a kid in here if he’s going to be like this.
John has been with Roger for decades at this point and knows about intrusive thoughts. He’s a bit confused as to why Roger is so alarmed by them when he’s always had them, but he can understand how the thought of doing something bad to a baby could shake anyone up.
He’s holding onto Roger, kissing his tears away and squeezing him tight. He reminds Roger that intrusive thoughts aren’t a reflection of his true self, no matter how grotesque a thought is. He reminds Roger that he is the sweetest man he’d ever met. How thoughtful, considerate and most of all, gentle he is. Roger hates (and therefore doesn’t) killing bugs they find in their home, preferring to take them outside instead. Could a man who hesitates to kill a spider even lay a finger on a child? Their child?
Roger’s sniffling and nodding because he knows it’s true but he still worries. John says they’ll do whatever makes Roger most comfortable. John knows Roger would never do anything vile, but if Roger feels safer without children, they’ll stay childless.
Luckily for them, it isn’t the case. After a few sessions with a therapist, Roger is given some new tools for coping with these thoughts and a professional reminder of the nature of intrusive thoughts.
With Roger more reassured, they start the process to adopt. Roger never regrets it when they bring their little boy home.
