“Love me because I am scattered and excitable is different than love me because of who I am, and let’s work on how ADHD affects us together.”
This is a quote I read in an ADHD blog post by Dr. Mark Bertin on psychologytoday.com called “Talking Back to ADHD”. It’s stuck with me since I read it, mostly because there seems to be a learning disconnect between my fiancé and I with my recent ADHD diagnosis.
For my entire memorable life in my relationships with family, friends, and significant others the first part of that sentence is how I felt because it’s all I had to grasp onto. I had no diagnosis or reassurance, the symptoms that I had experienced (still do) and can now attribute to an actual disorder were simply my personality and my sense of self. So as you can imagine, when I was rejected, belittled, or looked down on for something that at that time was only myself it cut deeply. It still cuts like a serrated steak knife.
It was as if I had had this knife stabbed into my heart the first time I lost a friend in school because of an impulsive comment meant in the most innocent way possible. Every subsequent loss or rejection I experienced from that point has always been a twist to that knife, crushing and being drove deeper.
The symptoms I experience have always been with me, but have been considered “normal” to a certain degree. I was just a shy young girl, I just didn’t make friends easy, I just liked to play alone, math just didn’t click well, I was just a day dreamer, I just didn’t pay attention well in school, and a whole host of “just this” or “just that” growing up and into my adulthood and nothing was ever picked up. It’s like a bunch of small puzzle pieces that never got put together for 25 years. All of them creating a mess on the floor growing bigger and bigger every day.
A previous disgustingly toxic relationship I had had only drove that knife of constant rejection in my heart deeper, twisting and pushing me into such a depressive state that when I finally got out of the relationship I was depressed, suicidal and desperate for help. I was on my parents couch, working short hours and going out until 6am with people I met on Tinder, people pleasing and trying to create meaningful relationships out of thin air.
I needed that sense of belonging and I molded myself to fit into whatever box someone wanted me in. I masked my self and symptoms into a void and I lost a lot of what I had considered my “self”. Looking back, I tried a lot of things I don’t think I ever would have tried and did a lot of things I wish I hadn’t. My primary doctor during a routine checkup was the one who noticed something off which was honestly just the tip of the iceberg; they started me on Zoloft which (retrospectively) ended up exacerbating my ADHD symptoms and created a greater downward spiral. My doctor was diligent and understanding and after that mental relapse switched me over to Wellbutrin.
Unfortunately, ADHD was never considered or mentioned especially since the use of Wellbutrin to treat ADHD is off label. I now wholeheartedly believe it was due to poor timing, neither myself or my doctor ever had the chance to pick up my puzzle pieces.
I had been to two therapists over a year give or take, only lasting a total of 6 months combined. I got along well with the one I had seen before taking any medication but they were too expensive to keep up sessions. The second one I saw after starting the Wellbutrin (and with instruction from the doctor) didn’t vibe well with me and I stopped seeing them after a couple months. I hadn’t been back to therapy until last October, well over 6 years later.
I started dating my current partner (now fiancé) while I was still taking the Zoloft, almost 7 years ago. They were the first person to start picking up my puzzle pieces. This in itself has been a long arduous process; dating for four years while long distance doesn’t create much of a chance for growth together just due to a lack of proximity. The Wellbutrin helped, I think it helped a lot more than I give it credit for. I started taking it during my first semester of college and I excelled, I got an A in my math class for the first time, I blew through all of my classes with a 4.0 average. Things got marginally easier, and it really helped with the depression. I continued to take this medication for the next five years.
We moved in together three years ago and things just started to fall into place; my pieces were being put into place. They encouraged me to get in contact with a psychiatrist, to get evaluated, and to try a stimulant medication. I don’t think I would have been able to come to this point in my life without them, and now I’m working on myself and unlearning so many things. I only have their love and support and it’s all I could ask for. I started taking a stimulant medication in November, removed completely off of the Wellbutrin and it’s remarkable what a difference it is.
There’s a lot that I’m learning and a lot that they’re learning, and that’s what the quote at the beginning comes to. No longer am I just “scattered and excitable”, and I’m not saying that that’s all my partner has seen me for (quite the opposite), but I’m not “just this” or “just that” to myself anymore. Knowing what I know now allows me to be better able to understand not only how ADHD affects me and has affected me in the past, but also how it has affected and continues to affect the person I love the most, and that we are capable to learning these things together.
